I don't know how to describe this sensation,
it's kinda like being a small fish in a big pond
or some other overused cliché.
      When I walk in the world I see the buildings, the trees,
the people... and I just sorta think,
            "wow. I'm so small."
      And I'm right, I am small...
I'm small right now and I'm scared.
Despite being small though, I'm gonna stand.
Stand tall on my tippy toes.

And pretend I actually matter.

Go for a run.
Nope.
Stare at my desk.
Nope.
Journal. Nope.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
Lie in bed.
Sort of.
Curl up. Wake up to a loud ******* guitar.
Knock angrily on a door.
Nope.
Think.
Nope.
Curl up in bed.
Nope.
Wait. Wait some more.
Kind of.
Feel guilt. Feel shame.
Nope.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.

Wait.

It's not black, like everyone tells you
It's a very odd kind of gray
With a touch of light even
Some parts clean
Some parts stained

They all make it seem like a romanticised hell
To me it doesn't even look like that
To me it looks like home
Familiar and yet so alone

I see the sunlight and the floor
The soft sheets on the bed
The lines of lights that come through the door
All the tears made the pillow wet
That didn't matter though  

Once in a while
I drive past that house
I try to see my bedroom window
But my brain just shuts it out
It wasn't even the worst room of all
But this one, was where I howled

Memories are like a story
A book that lost some pages
Through the garden, through the hallway
You go through all the different places
Nostalgia and fear
Are a combination with some monstrous faces

During the nights I was afraid
But the days
Those were the ones that really should be feared
Maybe that's why I now love the night
During the day I always bleed

Falling onto his back
But I want to fall on my own
Standing only leaning towards him
He is helping me to cope
Now I realize this
And it is not funny at all
I thought I was stronger
But it was his strength I was measuring
And I needed it
Though now the new times have come
Still wanna love him
But let him go.
So that I finally can simply hold his hand
Without putting all my weight and sorrow
On his shoulder.

I wanna have a bright tomorrow
And see it positively for my own
My greatness is hard to find
In insecure times
When I need to remind myself
Sometimes in rhymes
That my self worth
Is not connected to others
That it's also not dependent on success
That in fact I am already capable
To feel strong and safe on my own
Despite all the trauma I have gone through.

It is hard though
Cause one part still fears
Needs a saviour
Doesn't trust
Doesn't want to rely on myself
Doesn't know that I can help.

How to reach my self,
My hurt inner child?
How to let my partner go
And to rewire myself
With myself?

Can anybody understand what I mean?
I have a deep wound within.
I am working so ******* myself,
Really trying different techniques,
In the end art is what's helping my health and the stone inside of me shrinks.

Though the wound is looking for a substitute
And I don't want to feel like a ******* :D
I just want to give enough love to myself  
Isn't it enough to help myself?

How to end the unhealthy dependency
And still keep my relationship safe?
Does anybody know some kind of recipe?
Because I'm really looking for a way...

Someone told me "𝕓𝕖 𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗".
But what if being kind to yourself is being unkind to others?
what if a little care to yourself is too much selfishness to them?
I know, I know you'll tell me to not care...but how can I not?
when the whole world is just too human. It confuses me.

I use to not care at all, and be the free spirited person I was.
That changed when I tried to be less human. I told myself...
"being less human is making mankind better than it is".
For humans are no different from disasters... you don't know how much it'll cost, you just hope for a less aggravate outcome.

But for now, I am still far from being less human...
because I care, I care about who's who and what will.

No worries, I'll get there... "the ones who cannot abandoned the past won't be able to make a difference" yes I heard you...

My leaves are yellow and orange
The surroundings are shades of brown and sorrow
the branches have already fallen
and just like that
the tree was hollow

none of my jeans fit
i used to wish for this

but now its a reality

i thought once i lost the weight
i'd be happy

but now i'm worse than ever