the scent of you still clings to my sheets
and feelings confuse me
my skype history is a long list of confessions but my biggest secrets are still buried within me
i feel sick
i wish i could purge on self-hatred
i'll dig out these secrets for the sake of this poem, or ramble, or whatever it is
core myself on sharp shards of broken hearts - i have plenty to choose from
more fuel to the fire, my ever-burning hatred for myself
when will it consume me?
i feel sick

confession no.1
i just ate all of the chocolate in the fridge so it wouldn't have to stare me in the face any longer
swallowed it down like its sweetness didn't make me feel bitter
and followed it with a bowl of cereal as a last hoorah for my oncoming diet

confession no.2
i'm **** at this poetry thing
or at least that's how i feel

i can't even be good at something i love
how could anyone expect me to be good at loving?

confession no.3
right now, i feel nothing but resentment and hatred for my mother
her snide comment about my commitment to my therapy made me want to break her neck

confession no.4
i'm incredibly blunt, which is probably why i **** at poetry
i also haven't gotten my anger issues in check
today, on the bus, i imagined shooting this racist woman's head repeatedly and i was angry that i couldn't make her bleed

confession no.5
it's raining outside and i don't feel any calmer
perhaps it's just too mild for me when i feel this stormy
biting back torrential tears like not crying will somehow make me a stronger hurricane
but
i'm still not good enough to blow anybody away

confession no.6
i feel sick in every sense of the word
i kind of want to die

Why do I always stop?
Why do I hold my breath?

My mind is screaming to tell you everything.

How when it's quiet, and the lighting is just right, your hair shines in an almost golden brown halo at the top,
and how when you speak, the sound drifts off into a slight hum,
but when your eyes meet mine I cannot say it.

How when I think of you, I hide my face in my frigid hands and I feel my cheeks run hot with blood,
and how much I've always loved your determined face, with furrowed brows and pursed lips,
but instead I look at you with a meek, silent smile.

How I nearly tear up at the thought of my life leading up to this moment with you,
and that it makes up for every time I have ever felt afraid or broken,
but I never muster up the courage to tell you...

How the reason I always look at you is because I want to appreciate all of you, and I'm afraid I'll miss something,
and I wish I weren't so shy as to always write you love letters and poems, instead of verbalizing it to you,
but I always get stuck.

How I thought today twenty times over that I wished to say I love you,
and that I think your smirks might just **** me,
and maybe your hands are just feathers because they move so gracefully across the piano keys,
but I didn't mention it.

How could I?
I'm a never-ending trainwreck of the mouth.
Once I start, I can't finish; I'll never say it all.
So I don't.

But....
I want to.
I want to look you in the eyes and instead of fumbling with my hands, my ring, or looking down and away from you, I want to clearly say this...

How the only thought in my mind that kept me from shaking incessantly during an anxiety attack was you,
and how in the silence of my room I just knew life would get better, IS better,
and how you keep me from disrespecting myself,
and how I think I couldn't imagine a lifetime where I didn't meet you,
oh I couldn't, I wouldn't.

How the other day, when I was folding my clothes, I stopped.
I felt a rush of joy overcome me and I just didn't tell you, I couldn't even say it out loud to myself,
but **** it, I'm in love with you.

And I love you
Everyday
Even when the floods wash away humanity
I will love you
When the air turns poisonous and steals it from our lungs
You will still take away my breath
When the grounds open up and eat all the vanity we created
Your beauty will shine bright as the only thing that ever mattered
When the cruel fires turn to ash all emotion and care
Your touch will reignite my own unwavering love for you
When darkness will turn out the individuality of our souls
Yours will break apart and merge with my own
Pumping back the memories I almost forgot
I love you till the end of time
And till the universe rips itself apart
I love you when new life slowly sparks up
Atoms joining in a billion year pilgrimage
Till we finally find our bodies and reattach our souls
Strengthen the bond
And our love will  revive the unbroken promise
And live on infinitely

And i'm a dreamer,
my reality is a schemer
take a look through my brain
you'll see insanity is what keeps me sane.
I drown in feelings that i can't explain,
stumble upon people who wouldn't feel the same.
I ponder the question of why it wouldn't change.
Doubt myself? yes, all the time.
For something so beautiful to believe could ever be mine.
So much to confess, to set off the stress can't seem to say a word and don't wanna be depressed.
Kinda like a gravitational force, you hold me down
When in silence I still hear your enchanting sound.
I try to keep my distance
but what if ill actually have a chance.
wait, i kid myself too much
someone like me; would never be enough.
I'm sorry I'm not her,
I won't try to ****** you to get your attention
Let me earn your time, show you i care.
A one time thing is not in my intention.
All those little things about you
I wanna be able to see it all through.
Crazy, maybe Ive been lately
I don't know you yet, but you could be the missing part of me.
If you don't want me to, ill let you be.
Tell me i'm in over my head
But i know your fragile heart has been misled.
Your mesmerising eyes have had enough tears shed.
i'm sorry for hiding behind poetry,
it's the only way to tell you my story.
You're probably caught up on someone else
and your friends don't think my feelings make sense.
It shouldn't take so long when you're sure
I wanna get to know you, that's all I'm asking for.
We never know what lurks beneath the sea
and just like the sea you're a mystery
there's more to you than what they see
a smile to cover up the missing pieces.
You deserve the time and effort
someone to give you shelter and comfort.
maybe you want to leave it all behind
the pain, the lies, and the things that messed up your mind.
I don't know all of you but it wasn't hard to know you're one of a kind.
i'm not coming off too strong,
please don't get me wrong
i just had to get it out of my chest
before it devours my very last breath.