We all need
A sanctuary.

Admittedly, I've got
My own
Maybe most of us
Do.

But mine has cracks in
The walls and dirt
On the glass and too
Many memories.

But we all need
A sanctuary.

Admittedly, sometimes I
Borrow someone else's
Lie on the floor and stare
Up at my anxieties.

Watch the yellow light flicker
Under the dim wooden
Pews, the lines where the
Walls meet.

We all need
A sanctuary.

Nothing
Has changed.

They're preaching from
The same pulpit
Every Sunday morning
And I'm wearing this same
Pasted on piety like it's not
A grimy dress.

We're all talking and talking
About change.

And I've got a shiny
New haircut, the
Picture of change
Yet I'm still staring out
That same
**** window.

NOTHING HAS
CHANGED.

LITERALLY NOTHING
HAS CHANGED.

I'm pretty...
Pretty what?
Not PRETTY
I'm just
Pretty
******.

NOTHING
Has changed.

So how am I
Not the same?

I didn't ever write a
Journal entry about last Wednesday night.

It was strange, the dampness
In the air and the cough in
My throat, and the whole world felt
Empty and deadened.

She didn't really want to
Go, and I guess I didn't either, now
That I think about it, after
All I could have been writing a paper.

But I had my alterior
Motives, which fell through and
I wanted to get out of the
House, to clear my stuffy head.

So we walked, like two girls who
Can survive on their own mistakes
And then after awhile
We walked back.

But we walked to the little
Playground instead of home because I guess
For nine-thirty at night we were
Both a little unsettled.

And we talked about God and I
Looked at the leaves on the
Pavement and thought about how different the
Uniform Methodist windows were from ours.

I believe in one church.
I believe in an inter-racial and unbiased church of many nations.
I believe in one church of many traditions.
I believe in one church not hemmed in by history or by man-made borders.

I believe in a God for whom his pallet of skin colours reflects his love of diversity.
I believe in God-given racial difference.
I believe in one creator God who made all humankind equal.
I believe in Christ’s one church that reflects our maker's love of difference.

I do not believe in uniformity.

I believe in the Christ’s common language of love for one another, for neighbours and for enemies that transcends local dialects.
I believe in one sundry collection of priests who are called by Christ to serve one God together, saved by His one sacrifice once and for all time.
I believe in the promise of one resurrected church drawn from all nations, from every generation to meet her bridegroom, Jesus Christ.
I believe in one eternal wedding feast at a table prepared by God which features everything from the finest vegetable samosas to the richest steam puddings.
I believe in one extravagant Father who has built one massive mansion with many rooms so all his people can come and dwell together.

I believe in God's Kingdom come.

There's a lot of mercy out there
For sinners like me
But a lot of things are going on
That I won't let you see
While I'm too afraid
To seize this day
Well, I swear I'm not
The girl in this glass box

Once there was a time
We were sons and daughters
But men, like lambs
Get led to the slaughter
I'm so afraid of falling
In this love I don't deserve
But I'm gonna die if I don't accept
This grace I didn't earn

There's a lot of forgiveness due
That I don't have the means to pay
It's hard to know that any blood but mine
Could take this pain away
But I can't sneak out
One more back door route
And though I don't lie
I've still got a lot to hide

Once there was a time
We were sons and daughters
But men, like lambs
Get led to the slaughter
I'm so afraid of falling
In this love I don't deserve
But I'm gonna die if I don't accept
This grace I didn't earn

Cause I can't live on front row chairs and pinned on prayers
My good deeds, historic creeds, Thursday night salvation
And I've gotta shake this fourth-floor faith
But I'm drowning in alternative translations

Im not sure who
I am
I don't know
Im disconnected
Who is this girl?
I don't know
Who is she?
Who knows?
I don't know
Im disconnected
We all think each other is
strong
But were not strong
The hard part about being "strong" is
That no one ever asks
"Are you okay?"
Nobody asks
We're disconnected
"Do you need help?"
No.
"How are you?"
Im fine
"Are you sure?"
Yeah im good
Nobody thinks
She could be dying inside
We're disconnected
Im fine...
Im fine...
I'd rather be in a casket
Than walk around one more day as this
Zombie
One more day
One more day
One more day
I just need to get through
One
More
Day
Then I realize
Its my fault
Im the cause of
My own demise
Im the
Artist
Architect
That builds these walls
These walls that I call
My home
or is it my
Prison
Cause im locked in this cell
And I have every tool to
Break the walls
But my mind is too
Clouded
By the storm
I don't see the
Rainbow
Forming
I've been
Living a lie
I want to be real
Authentic
Genuine
If im not real
I might
As well
Die
As Christians
We
Can
Not be
Fake
Plastic
Dead
I don't want to
Just exist
I want to
Build up relationships
That's what we're
Called
To do
its been such a long road
Been a
Wrong road
Acting like nothing is ever wrong
Sometimes
Its easier to love
Strangers
Than it is friends and families
Don't get it
Twisted
I
Love
Them
But I fight
So I don't get another
Wound
That I
Cant
Mend
What would happen?
What would happen if I showed you my
Scars?
Would you run?
Would you scream and
Say
Cover them
Because we all have scars
We've been trapped behind bars
That we Cant escape,
Or we didn't know
We had the power all along
To escape
But we buy into the lie that we're
Powerless
Hopeless
Worthless
Not in the eyes of
Jesus Christ
I've been searching for
Approval
Since my earthly daddy left me
And my family
I always wondered
What he saw in me
That would make him so
Angry
Desperate
Hungry
To leave me
Abandon ship
I want to make people
Happy
I live to
Please
I want to be noticed
Yet not noticed at all
This pain
Its like a disease in me
And I think that's true
For many of you
Not just
For me
what kind of useful
Is a church
With
A disease?
Do we want to poison?
I want to
Help
Not please
I want to love
Not make people happy
With myself
Do you see?
make them happy
With the only one we should Ever try to please
"God did not give us a spirit of
Timidity
But a spirit of
Courage"
Power and courage
Anger
Born
From
Pain
Needs to be
Released
Im sick and tired
Of being in pain
On this road
Solitary
On the surface
I have it made
But if you looked
Inside
Im drained
I haven't been
Fine
In a long time
But in the church
If you release
The truth
Its a crime
When's the last time you heard someone
Speak up with
A prayer request that was
Confessing an
Affair
Or fantasies
Or homosexuality
Rare
But it shouldn't be
I can assure you
This kind of adventure is
Reckless
Crazy
Daunting
But it is so, so
Worth it
Lets be refined
Like silver
Purified in the burning fire
We're walking on a tight rope
Holding on for dear life
Afraid to look down
Afraid to fall
But if we lost our grip
And started to fall
Our father
Is
Right
There
He
Never moved
We're tired
Trying to keep ourselves admired
We weren't meant for this
We were
Made for more
More than a vicious
Cycle
Of
Fear
Speak up.
Women of faith
Speak up.
Men of courage
We don't give ourselves
Permission
To feel
We wear the mask
We let fear
Control the choices we make
It conquers our lives
Fear is a snake
A snake
In the garden
That we need to
Hate
Lets be
Transparent
If we're
Transparent
There is no way
To be accused
Of being a
Hypocrite
Be who you are
In
Christ Jesus
He knows
Everything
About you
Already
So
You
Have
A
Start
its much more
Lovely
When you can see the
Landscape
The sunrises
Sunsets
Flowers
And nature
Instead of
The dark
Grey
Dismal
Stones
Of the walls you built over the
Years
take his hand
Grab your mat
And
Walk

Sunday morning monologues
Front row fixtures
Dreamy papercup dialogues
And cracked tile constellations.

It's safe inside these walls
Safe, they scream, safe
And behind my smiles and uplifted hands is
My never ending unease.

Sunday morning monologues
Front row fakes
Sunshine maple tree jogs
And stained tile motivations.

I could stand up
Leave those lyrics running
Walk out
And never come back.

Or take to the mic
And scream every last
One of my insecurities
To the whole dang world.

But I'll never
Do either.

Sunday morning monologues
And front row blanks.

When you cracked
The sky cracked, too.

And all the feelings
I had tried so hard to
Get past
Fell through the shattered atmosphere.

And in the chapel
Bathed in fragile glass light
The coffee was well-disguised
But bitter, like you.

And the hard bench and off
White wall
Reminded me well of
A home no longer mine
Reminded me well
We all have demons.

When you cracked
The sky cracked, too.