The invisible years, they arrive after menopause
You'll see.  It will happen to you in time.
Left behind.  Left alone.
Now I wonder if I am imaginary?
The energy it drains, stepping through the day.
The Demon of loneliness demands attention.
I doubt my existence.  There is no one loving me.
There is no "love."
The cruel Magician of depression begins
disappearing me.
And I no longer care.  
I will crawl off this Earth alone.

I deserve better than empty days
And empty nights, and the empty gaze
Of an empty screen, and my words
My words, my word, hounding me
Like they hounded you, the birds
That knew no better than to fly free
And sing a tune they thought you'd hear
And find sweet. How I tossed teaspoon
After tablespoon of honey, cinnamon, and cumin
Thinking I was a pretty picture, not the loon
I know looking back from the mirror, fuming
Unjustly at you for not seeing ever
This woman who lost herself as she'd persevere
And sever her pride. But it was I, forever,
Who blocked my ears and bound my eyes, to revere
Nothing of any reality or love, an empty chamber
In which my broken voice reverberates, a dying ember,
"Love me, J--, love me?", though my heart knows
That this was not the place to ask or look
My heart cried after I did not listen to her throes,
"This man isn't even a chapter in your book."

long were the nights when i would wait for your messages even after we called things off. now i'm waiting for someone else's and he's been a good distraction from thoughts of you, though of course, i still miss you. i guess it really is easy to get lost in your own world with someone so i have a good feeling that it'll be less difficult moving on from you. but don't worry, i won't put my guard down unless i'm fully healed because you can't fully love someone when you haven't healed from the past and that's what you failed to do when you pursued me, but now i know better. i won't make the same mistakes you did and hurt other people for not loving them the same way they do me.

Keep me around for the rainy days;
When all the others go away,
But you want to stay outside to play

In the midst of the storm, I join you, every time
Gray skies and muddy puddles

We jump in the mud and laugh, Like children,
Oblivious to the mess we’re making,
Unable to see past..

Sometimes I let myself forget…
I just pretend
Close my eyes so I don’t have to watch the sun rise.

Begging you to stay,
But it’s useless
You always leave me the same lonely way

Grab you and trap you so you can’t leave
Drag me into the mud,
Yet you always slip from my reach

With the brightness of the sky,
I know it’s my time

My prime, surpassed;
So I wait until the next storm
For you to come back

I miss you like the earth misses the sun, during the night while the world is hushed in its slumber. I miss you like I miss breathing because I've been holding my breath since our last goodbyes. I used to think time stood still in those moments when our bodies were entangled and our lips embraced eachother in a way that always seemed so familiar. But without you my love time has come to a complete stop. Seconds seem like hours and hours like days without you by my side. The broken pieces of my heart now resemble the sands of time slipping through an hourglass. And yet I still feel the pulsing beat in the voided emptiness left in my chest. I still love you and I always will. I wish I could take the pieces of my broken heart and fill a snow globe just for you so you will never forget the story of how I fell for you.

Your that black
smoke...

Puffing
into the
environment,

Making it
unhealthy.

Your
devilish
way,

Became
a dance with
life and death.

Drowning my
heart in your
BullSh*t.

Your devilish
ways became
a balancing
tight rope,

To not fall
to my demise
of playing russian
Roulette with
my life.

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2021-8-1