You weren’t willing enough,
so the job got botched.

Blood pooled at my toes,
and skin hung from my insides.
I felt like an abortion…
I still do.

The smeared fingerprints
you’ve left all over me
were shaky at best.
I looked at them in the mirror
for days.

I wanted to call you and say I’m alive,
but I would be lying…

This time, hindsight is skin-deep
and somehow, I think you knew
what you were doing all along.

god, what would i give
what would i give just to kiss you again
“our combo move”
“our thing”
to kiss you
to kiss you and bite your lip til you groan
bite your tongue til you **** in that breath
**** in that breath and surge forward
push me into the mattress
kiss me til we’re both breathless
breathless on us

god, what would i give
what would i give to touch you again
touch your beautiful skin
trail my tanned fingers across your pality
kiss your chest
your stomach
anywhere i can reach,
                                    though you hate yourself
                                    though you think you’re chubby
                                                          ­                            (you’re not)

i just want to tug on your hair again
that blooming copper blush
my little male empusa
my charmander
my charizard
                     (better than a dragonite, no matter what you say)

im not one for changing opinions
but id do anything to have you back in my arms
to stretch my arms across your wide back, those muscles you work so hard for

god, you’re still mine

you’ll always be mine

“only if you want to
it’s a deal”

its a stupid deal
how dare you ask me that
how dare you

i want to **** on your neck like the first few times until the bruise blossoms
that tag
that label
“Mine.”

i am no poet
i am no artist like you
but one day i will write you
etch your name into the paper
as i wish you’d etch your love into my skin
as you used to

i had a plan to write you a poem with lyrics from phantom of the opera
but after talking with you last night i realised

i need to let you go.

So this is it.

This is my attempt at moving on.

I will forget your lies.
Forget the moments of bliss where you’d stop and stare.
Try not to think of the love that shone through your beautiful eyes
                                                            ­                                            (windows to your beautiful soul)
I’ll not think of the tender sighs,
the sweet breaths,
those words of sentiment and enchantment

I did learn to love you.
You made me love you.
And then you moved on.

It’s my turn now.
Not even a week, but like you said.

“Don’t dwell on it.”

How could I not, when you were my first?

But I’ll try.
For you.
My red-head phantom.
But most importantly?

*For me.

god, just fill me
fill me with your love
fill me with yourself
fill me with anything thats not what i feel now

i know im selfish

im hoping you’re sad
hoping you’re distraught even
i hope you’ve cried
i hope you’ve mourned the things we never did

luna

no. no.

newcastle
edinburgh

god what’s the point

i hope you’re as sad as i am
worse ?
i hope i hope
i wish i wish

i wish tuesday never happened

the part where everything stopped
the part where the red string was cut

oh god, and writing this

writing this, i remember

“soulmate”, you said

“soulmate”, after such a short time

well if i am your soulmate, as you lied said
things will be okay
we’ll get back
back from the nothing

the red string was never cut
it has a knot, it got tangled
like the movie you never saw

that red string that ties us together
red as your hair
that red string
if you were right
you probably weren’t
it is tangled, never broken, never cut, always there

haha writing this

writing this has given me some sense of ****** up optimism
three poems in one day, god, how pathetic
all because of some **** you said in the early hours of the morning, delirious
delirious on us, just as i was

“soulmate”, you said

soulmate

I’ll hold on to that.

you were my first everything
but to you i was just another blip
                                                      wasn’t­ i?

you say i was different

i probably wasnt

in a few months time you’ll forget me

i dont think im being naive
i dont think im attached because of the firsts

i think im attached because of the words
because of the things you said
the love that poured from your mouth
the pure honeysickle, the chocolate that you dont like

the things you said that i’d never ever heard before

not said to me

not ever said to me.

the way you touched me

as though the sun shined through my “ridiculous tan”
as though the stars rushed through my veins
the cool ones on my eyelids i showed you
“let me see them again”
your image is burned behind them

like your name

your hair

your beautiful hair

i’d show you anything
i showed you everything

i know it wasnt a lie
no one’s that good an actor
not even gerard butler or your friend steven

you loved me

you love me?

you kissed me like it was our last every time
until it was
or was it?

the way you spoke
the things you said
straight out of a book on romance and love and romance again

beautiful
stunning
gorgeous
perfect

all words that never really applied to me
     -     they applied to you
but you didnt believe me
                                      you never once believed me.
                                      not about this.
                                      the most important thing.

almost like the phantom.

you were the phantom and i was christine

at least in your eyes

your beautiful storm eyes a girl could get lost in

i did get lost

i am lost

lost in you
lost in you and your eyes
     -     you and your hair
     -     you and your smile
     -     you and your legs
     -     your skin
     -     the patch above your hip
     -     the space near your…

despite the laughs we shared
the agreement on being friends
i dont know if i can

i have to but i dont know if i can

i dont know if i can forget you
you and your everything

your perfect everything,
     -     even if you never believed it

i don’t feel well anymore
my spirit doesnt soar
“we never said our love was evergreen…”
who could guess how true those words were
your hair no longer brightens my day
your eyes dont spark me into life
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i dont understand
but i miss you
everyone thinks its stupid
and it is
is there more?
more you never said?
do you really still love me?

like i love you?

i love you

you said you loved me

then why

why
why
why

we could have made it work

maybe we still can

i love you, ginger-boy

you and your hair

I allow the words to burn through my brain
but I can't seem to light the love letters.
I found your necklace in my drawer,
a metronome swinging to the tears I cried.
And your shirt abandoned on my floor
I can't look but I know exactly what it smells like
Smoke and cologne and you.
The old pink carnations still loyal on my table
It reminds me how you never liked flowers
and the bouquets you picked for me anyway.
Artifacts solid and real,
palpable, physical proof of you and I.
But I want to know
Where do the dreams go
and the memories
What about our kisses
I can feel them in this room
Potent and hypnotizing
and I don't know how to throw that untouchable piece of us away.

you were my everything
the twinkling stars that i wished upon
the scorching sun that gave me light
the round moon that reflected so bright
and a hope for better days to come

but seasons change
weathers don't stay the same
tides grew bigger
storms were louder
we couldn't stay
our home was being deranged
with its bricks falling
with its memories dying
with our souls withering away

i watched you fade away
into the darkness you became
a whole other person, you changed your ways
i could no longer feel the same
especially since the day you walked away

no, I'll never say i regretted this
neither will i say that i want you to stay
the truth hurts
you have already gone too far away
there's nothing left of you in my room
maybe a photograph or two
for the good times when i think of you
other than that, i wouldn't want you around
you scarred me so terribly,
how could i not frown?

so it's best this way
us being on our separate ways
i hope she treats you best
i hope your mind would finally be at rest
you were my greatest test
to be apart, one shan't fret
you were once my everything
but you're in safe hands now
with that being said,
i can finally end our final chapter and with it bid our final goodbye

I'm selfish because I want to know that you've cried over me

I want to know that you've clutched your chest, or pulled your hair while thinking about how much you miss me

I want you to feel heartache when I don't talk to you,
or when you know I'm upset.

I want you to comfort me,

kiss me when I'm sad

or even just hold my hand when I'm anxious.

but this is too much to ask of you,

you don't care.

you never cared, and I don't think I could make you care no matter how hard I tried.

you've moved on,

you're happier without me

but I wish that you were crying.

carve my name into your wrists

I want to see blood come from your pale skin while you cry out my name,

I want you to know how alive you will feel after the first cut.