I was worried today so I went outside
So at the end I could say "at least I tried"
And I laughed and laughed in my bed
Because prozac can't quiet my head
Like serotonin can fix my brain
Like anything could keep me sane
Though when I see you smile
I sit there for a while
It's a good thought to get stuck on
Yeah, but then I want something more

I want you to want me
In more ways than you do
You wouldn't want to see
The things I want from you
Your soft sweet lips
And your soft blemished skin
Your boney thin hips
My fascination with the number ten
It all leads up to this
My brain will lobby
The truth in fits
Of selfish desire
This isn't normal
Not for me
How special this thing could be
My first true love
You could set me free
I promise I want this
And I'd never leave
Couldn't we try and at least see?
The first time I seen it was on TV
And that was love or so I believe
So what's so different about this?
I have to say it I can't stand it at all
I think I want your body.

He preferred unwashed and touched skins
I was ripe and fresh, with my green leaf
Shiny as if someone polished me against their polo shirt.

He loved texture, bruises, and discoloration
while I was smooth, absolutely bump free.

No patience left in him, he needed to gorge his hunger,
biting down and ripping it's other half trailed with a string of dripping saliva.

It wasn't a want, but a must.

Worms were wriggling out from the rotten core begging to escape from his monstrous pointed teeth.

He preferred them just the way they were, abandoned, unsure, insecure.

He however never preferred me; smothering myself of perfection to be picked from all hands who only ever picked the others...

Perfect apples can't always be picked up.

Borderline Personality Disorder...

It's this thing that lurks in the shadows, a feeling that doesn't quite always manifest the same way.

BPD...the silent killer.....or maybe that's what all diseases are. I'm not so sure.

What I do know is that I never expected to make it past 18 much less to 23. What I do know is that BPD has a mortality rate of 8-10%. What I do know is that I'm scared.

Scared that one day the hidden thoughts of my mind, those things we like to keep in a box, will soon find their way to the frontal lobe of my brain and send my consciousness soaring.

Scared that one day I'll finally get tired. Then, I'll get tired of feeling tired and then I won't be tired at all anymore.

Scared of my ability to hurt others even more than I hurt myself.

What I find to be the sick irony of the whole situation is that BPD manifests solely from immense abuse. You cannot be born with it, the mannerisms are all learned. Therefore, I am now forced to bargain my existence, tiptoeing through memories that should be long forgotten.

Trying to remember what my childhood was like while overcooking my breakfast.

Trying to shower but my brain continues to replay that time she raised her hands to me.

Trying to sleep....but my brain doesn't allow that comfort much anymore because those thoughts find their way into my dreams.

When we struggle, they like to remind us that "we are not alone". Yet when I dream at night, I am the one to close my eyes. When I walk into a restaurant, I am the one that can't sit with my back to the door anymore.

I want to give a special shoutout to everyone who played a role in me obtaining this diagnosis. If it weren't for your years of abuse, I wouldn't be living through the single most wonderful years of my life.

Without you, I'd be free and freedom from ourselves is much easier said than done.

Tonight stands still, like how I stand when I see you
The smoke hangs in the air, like my feelings when I see you
I smile, as I imagine us doing all the stuff couples do
and I think I feel happier when I do, I think

I feel like tonight is going too slow
I feel like you wouldn't really know
What goes on in my head
When I beg myself to tell you instead

When you take me to that special place
It puts my head in a special case
Where my stomach is crushed
And my lips are hushed

I think I feel sadder when you smile
Especially when it's not from me
And I envy them for a while
To be what I can't be

I believe you don't care about me
Because that's really the truth
Or at least that's what my head says
I never told you but I really am a mess

But you knew that already
I don't think you know though
But in the end, if the shoe doesn't fit
Just end it, or just force it.

So there's this girl
A small girl with tired eyes
She says she loves me
And I wish that I could believe her
That she was anything more than just
Water flowing through my hands
And when the bucket is empty
I'll still see her, and it won't be the same

So there's this woman
A stressed woman with worried eyes
She sees nothing more than the night before
She asks "Are you okay?"
And I tell her, "No, I'm not."
And we leave it at that.
And the next day
We do the same thing.

So there's this gun
A gifted gun with one beckoning eye
It is darker than anything I've ever stared at.
And when I look into it, I get scared.
Because I want to be whole again,
To feel the sun on my skin
To feel that hair in my face
To feel those lips on mine.
But the sun is killing me.
Because I can't be your sun.

So there's this note.
You don't have to read it
It doesn't have much merit.
I just thought about you
So I found my gift.
My wonderful god given gift.
To leave everyone I care about.
Because the sun gives you cancer.

My mind is a prison. It's covered in paint. With colors of joy that now feel so faint. I hide all my fears. I bury my tears though all these long years. I smile at the world but inside I know that the weight of my heart is too heavy to show. I know I need to let you go. But even so my tears fall in the snow. I know I might reap what I have sown. But even so I know I'm the reason i'm alone. I keep looking at my phone but I should have known, you’d end up killing two birds with one stone. She's in a world of her own. When you're face to face with the unknown, how would you know? Cause if feels there is nothing to show, for the pain that i know.

Feelings overflow me, like waves washing over me, stalking my back, you make me feel sad, I put on a mask to make me not sad but it never lasts for long your singing my song, you make me feel wronged, I wish you would listen but then we start kissing, then I start missing you more. I feel like I'm crawling to shore. I thought that I knew you before but now my heart is at war. I still cry on the floor. Still wanting more. But I guess you went out the door.

I want to know why
You started treating me like somebody else
I miss who we used to be
It was just us
And we seen each other every day
But now I can see the color fade
In your eyes when you see me
And the weight of regret.

I want to know why
You started acting like everyone else
They got tired of me
Because I love so violently
And now, you pull away
When I want you close

You lied, about a few things
Like wanting to get married
Or wanting to breed
I just wish you hadn't wasted my time
With false hopes
That I will ever be happy
And my ******* OCD
Keeps cutting into my stomach
To let me know I'm alone
I guess I won't say a word
Because the last thing you'd do
Is check your phone.

Hello broken person,

Are you empty just like me?

Do you feel so much it hurts enough

To bring you to your knees?

Are you confused or frustrated

Over why you can never be

Someone who can find the time

To unsee what we have seen?

Hello broken person,

I am empty, and just like you

I have fought a thousand battles

And somehow made my way through

It hasn't gotten easier

I dont think it ever will

They say that time is healing,

But only time can tell

Hello broken person,

Are you empty just like me?

Have you had enough? Do you feel numb?

Are you sure you can even breathe?

Does it feel like exsanguination,

But it's coming from your heart?

Do you feel a void so big

That its tearing you apart?

Have you heard of an antidote,

Some sort of remedy?

Something that will help us out

I'm tired of being empty