They think I'm recovered, that's what they said
But there's still a constant battle inside my head
It would be so much easier to stay in my bed
And go a week without being fed
And let my arms drip with red
Or I could totally give up instead
Would people really miss me if I was dead?
Of course they would miss you, they really do care
You might feel alone but you've got people there
You need to stay positive when life is unfair
Just think of that outfit you wanted to wear
The summer breeze that goes through your hair
The smell of flowers drifting through the air
And watching the sunset through the trees over there

I am a person of forgiveness and second chances
I am not one of firm decisions and stances
I am one who can be easily swayed
So I become one that is easily played
With an open mind and intentions pure
Am I taken advantage of, I can never be sure
And some are not so eager to flip a new page
Some remain bitter and burning with rage
I am not one, who can understand grudges
How you can’t move on, when opportunity nudges
But I live in sorrow, and I live in pain
I radiate sunshine, but live in the rain
I promote to be happy, but am subject to hurt
I treat people well, when they treat me like dirt
You would think it’s rewarding, to see people smile
But when your world is grey, it’s old after a while
I don’t do it for return nor do it for praise
But just once I’d like, to stand in sun’s rays
I’ve had moments when, I’ve felt sunshine’s beams
But in the back of my mind, I know what it means
A shadow is lurking and it’s one of tears
The world turns around and puts me right back in fear
With all life’s great moments being so bittersweet
I am one that’s familiar, with constant defeat
I am one with two faces, one happy, one sad
Some think to themselves, that isn’t so bad
But I am one with a heart, that tugs on both sides
And although I am hurting, I roll with the tides
And the waves pour over any chance of assistance
Still I fight through each day, and I fight with persistence
Though I never know, what each day brings
I treat those around me like queens and like kings
Life suffocates me with such crippling worry
I do see a future, but mine is quite blurry
I can’t see how I can possibly go on
With the overwhelming feeling that something is wrong
People say that they get it, and say that they care
But I am one who’s alone when they say they’ll be there
A counsellor for others, but still no one listens
I am one who’s destiny, is not one that glistens
I’ve searched for solutions, and I’ve searched for answers
Although it doesn’t compare, there’s no cure, like a cancer
I am one who longs for peace, in the world and my soul
But I feel like one, with an unattainable goal
War seems to be forever, it’s a damning belief
It’s proven quite true with my internal grief
I am one who is calling, crying out
And I am one that is filled with doubt
Doubting my chance, to ever be heard
Doubting my chance, to get in a word
I am one that hopes for a listening ear
For you to cherish and hold me so dear
Or at least that you’ll see that your actions are unfair
That you’ll see your two faces, and you’ll be aware
Of your resistance to change, despite what I need
That you’re killing me with your selfishness and greed
I know you’re broken, but I’m broken too
I am one that needs fixing, and you are my glue.

Cycling again
The same old spell I've been under for years
I start  to become more positive
Starts seeing the light of happiness
Yet it comes crashing down again
Over and over
I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of spiraling out of control.
I abuse and abuse
Drugs, alcohol,  and eating
I start not to take care of myself again.
Then it slows down
I pick myself up just to fall within minutes, days and sometimes months.
This  cycle lasts longer each time.
My habits become more  vicious
To the point where I don't know where I am
Don't care if I die
I just want to get higher and higher for this never-ending pain to go away.

Simply why can't I stop this madness.
I don't have dreams or goals anymore
I wish for one thing every birthday or every shooting star I've ever seen.
Just to wanting to be happy.

Just one time,
I would love to know what is life like without :
overthinking
being depressed
Not being angry.
Just a girl wanting to be normal.

She used to be human.
She use to have fun.
She used to be talkative
She used to be alive.

Her emotions run her life into the ground.
Her fun turned into pain.
Her voice doesn't have strength to talk.
She's alive, but only her body is here.

lately I’ve been feeling like I live on another plane of existence. I have left my body and I’m watching over myself as I fail at being a functioning person. I take four hour naps every day and don’t wake up until noon and I’m left up at night screaming into the void that I exist because as much as I know that I am alive I don’t feel like I’m existing. or maybe I just don’t want to exist. maybe I’m tired of these day to day tribulations that come with being an adult, maybe I want to exist as a child forever when everything is bright and new and nothing hurts except bruised elbows and scraped knees. maybe I’m being nostalgic for a place that I don’t even know exists. maybe I lost my innocence too early to know what being a child feels like. maybe I lost myself too early to know what being a person feels like.

I am working on freedom
But it's a work in progress
As much as I try and convince myself
I know I'm not ready. Not just yet.

To take responsibility,
For my safety and health,
To pick up a fork and keep down its wealth.
To prepare myself a meal
To allow myself to heal.
To put down a razor and use a different technique
Maybe one day,
But at present I am weak.
To walk innocently
Not compulsively.
To tackle negative thoughts in a productive fashion
One day will be the case
When I have the compassion.
To love myself like I do you,
Will take a long time to do.
To allow myself to make,
An error, a mistake
Without having to dance with my self defeating thoughts
I'm not quite out of those courts.

I am working on freedom
But it's a work in progress.
One day ill be ready. Just not yet.