memories aren't good enough.
your figure in my mind cannot compare
to you in actuality.

your fingertips sweeping my body,
your lips hovering over mine,
my heart when our gazes meet.
it will never be good enough
to just remember.

intimate moments shared,
bodies close together.
connection.
and then I just leave.

it can't have meant to you
what it did to me.
surely not,
because you would have shown me...right?
did I show you?

feelings enclosed
behind these four walls,
little glimmers of emotion
swiftly tucked back into security.

we can't even talk,
I can't even show you.
distraction.
trying desperately to escape
your name, your face, your memory.

if I could erase your memory,
I would.
because it will never be good enough.

i am but a fish
swimming through the open ocean alone
and you are the rod
catching me again and again

everytime I think I've escaped
I think I've detached myself
and swam away,
I seem to be dragged back
another hook in my mouth,
my scales turning dull
as you reel me in and laugh.

dory, perhaps I am,
forgetting each second
and swimming back to land
in your arms again and again.
never able to find shelter
from your rod’s torturing embrace.

maybe I can’t,
and never will
be able to swim away from you for good,
for the current seems intent on pulling me back to you.

Hallways of stone
My knees scrape against the cold lifeless floor
As condensation soaks into the fabric of my existence
I came looking for you and I found myself
Lost
Fallen before a door, densely metallic
No one in, no one out
There used to be light here once.
We could move through pathways freely
Tracing the space between our selves
Settling in one another with fluidity.

I am here alone now.

I write you letters often
Little invitations to return
Back to a place we used to be
Back when I could find you here
There was resistance then too
But you opened the door if I knocked enough
Fists pleading with steel gates
My hands are broken now
They were broken before but
Now
I stopped to bandage them

Do your walls have windows?
Can you still see me here?
Desperately craving connection
Hoping for a moment to see you
To feel your soul's energy again
For this hallway to hold life once more
Or am I invisible without the sound?
Without the pushing and fighting,
Do I cease to exist?

I know this isn't about me
Things are not that simplistic
But I thought
I taught you
How to love me


I tell you I feel disconnected
And you say You'll be fine
Right.
Ok.
I'm still here if you need anything
Still waiting in these damp halls
Alone with the hope of something more
Because I believe in you and in us
But I won't beg you to love me

Im afraid of being alone,
that’s why I’m staying.
But why do I feel like it wouldn’t make a change
if I left.

What would change?
When now I’m already feeling lonely.
It would be the same
But different emptiness.

But maybe it wouldn’t last forever.

how do I tell you
that with you I feel safe
the child in me clings to you like you belong to me
how do I tell you that I'm not in love
that I'm simply still a child
looking for a home, for safety
how do I tell you
that I started building a home for you in my heart
and I lit a fire to keep you warm
how do I tell myself
you don't belong here
I have to learn to save myself
instead of waiting for someone to give me everything
to hold that child in me
how do I tell you, how do I cry
how will I ever learn to say goodbye