i hate that you’ve seen,
every bit of me you could.
i hate that you’ve touched,
every bit that you did.
i hate myself,
for being touched by you.

i hate my body,
as it’s a constant reminder,
of what you took from me.

i hate me,
because i can’t escape the vessel you violated.

you’ve penetrated my mind,
poisoning my thoughts.

i can no longer look in the mirror,
for fear of seeing what you saw.
whatever it was you saw,
drove you to destroy me.

so now,
i hide away in shame.
i hide so no one sees what you saw,
in hopes they won’t do the same.

please stop
messaging me every hour

let me breathe
let go of my wrists

they're bleeding
i'm crying

you grab me
forcefully

                                           "just a little."

no
"come on."                                        
no

stop
go
away

"n­o."

What's the truth?
What's true?
The truth is
he hurt me.
The question is
which "he"?
There's been so many.

I was pure,
I was innocent,
I was a child.
I saw only goodness in the world and only goodness in you.
You tried to strip that view away from me by taking something that was fundamentally mine.
Mine to give,
willingly,
not to be taken by the force of overwhelming strength.
You watched my pain and enjoyed it.
I will never know exactly who you are.
I was short, you were tall.
It hurt but I didn’t look.
I closed my eyes and tried to force my mind to leave my body.
My body was trapped but at the time my mind was free.
Now, my mind is forever contaminated by the blurred memory of the cause of my permanent flaws.

i haven't been able to sleep quite right
the nightmares are keeping me up at night
again
12 years ago, i was molested
4 years ago, i was *****
a year ago, i was ***** by someone different
i've been asked why i've been putting myself in these situations
i protest, always
"i'm not! i swear!"
but as i hear their words, telling me it's all my fault
i come to the realization that
maybe it is
maybe its the way i dress, or the way i trusted too easily
i'm trying to keep strong
but i've been making a mess of the bed each night
i try to remember i'm loved as my lover holds me tight
but all i can remember is his rough hands shoving my body down
closing my eyes and trying not to let myself drown
all i can remember is my own flesh and blood
telling me to do things no five year old should
and i've been having trouble sleeping in my own bed
and i wanna tell someone but i put it all on paper instead

I can't stop thinking about you
Now don't go and flatter yourself
I don't miss you
I don't miss what we "had"
I don't miss it at all
I can't stop thinking about you because I'm mad
I'm mad at what you did
Now maybe I’m being dramatic
But you messed with my mind
I'm furious at what you did
I never realized how bad it was until it was over
Then all at once it hit me
All the cruel words and bad memories
You told me my body wasn't good enough
I had a flat ***
No *****
My face was ugly
That I failed every test because I'm just dumb
I’m stupid
I'm bad at life
I have no friends
You made me feel so bad about myself
You made me feel worthless
Like I was lucky to have you
Well **** that
You were lucky to have me
I didn't realize how ******* bad it was
That it wasn’t normal
You shouldn’t criticize your girlfriend like that
You drove me insane
You sent me to therapy
I never told you that though
I told you it was test anxiety
It was really you
I failed tests because of you
I had panic attacks every night because of you
Looking back all of my problems were because of you
Now I can't stop thinking about you
I hate myself for it
So thanks for telling me to **** myself
And for calling me a *****
You're secretly a little ***** too