I live life on the end of a yo-yo string.

One moment high in the sky,
My strings neatly wrapped away where they can’t get tangled, where they can’t get beaten and battered and torn by open air,

The next moment spinning so fast I can’t tell what’s real, toes brushing puddles I come closer to with every swing, strings on display for the world to see until I can find it in me to wrap it all up again.
And I know that one day my strings will wear thin, they will snap, and I will sink.

One day, when I go down, I will not come back up.

Have I succeeded?
As I sit in the kitchen,
Surrounded by sensation and temptation,
Bread and milk and cheese and
Everything I’ve tried to leave
Behind and I don’t eat,
Sipping on the mug of tea in front of me,
Ignoring pangs of hunger, telling me
I can’t go on much longer...
Have I succeeded?

That I've lost more tears than words
That I've been scared of being intimate since the boy that abused me
That I'm hurting inside so badly that all I can do is laugh about it because I can't cope with the feelings in my head
That my mother is so depressed that the whole house is shaking
That my father cries silently in his room at night
That my sister is rather not at home
They don't know
They don't know why I wear scars like a crown
Why I wear bones like pearls
They don't know why I push them away
Why I love flowers more when they are dead
They don't know
Because I choose to
I need to be strong for my family
I need to keep the mask on
They don't know I'm wearing a mask
They just hear my name and associate it with the things I spill on the table
They will never know
I won't let them know

There is an insect inside of me
His name is depression
He's feasting on my innards
The pain moves up to my brain
It spreads through my veins
Now I'm shaking and choking on my own blood
Tearing up
Would that I could
And I am so very tired
If I could only end it all
Where am I, what can I do to stop this?

Who's there to trust?

I am addicted to my own destruction
I never chose to live this life and now I'm ripping it off of me piece by piece like a poster on a wall
Once the pills kick in, I go back to numb
Once the blade hits my skin I can finally feel something
Once the alcohol or **** strucks my system I can stop thinking for a minute
Death is friendly to me, life is not
People are terrified of it, that's what sets me apart from them
Death became my lover a long time ago and he wants to take everything
I'm willing to give it all, but people are holding me back
There will be a time they lose grip There will be a time when I'm all alone with my thoughts and they'll swallow me like I'm nothing.
I can't bare it anymore
That time will be very soon

if it hurts
you’re doing it right.

graceful arms, girls.

pointed feet.

plié, plié…
first position, long legs, extend your necks- yes, that’s right.





i just wanna look like a ballerina again.

I wanna hear my stomach collapse
Rumbling like screams echoing in an empty tavern
I want stalactite ribs
And stick-man fingers,
Thighs the size of a child’s wrist and
I don’t care what I have to do
To get it

I am obsessed.
Addicted to falling,
Falling numbers,
Falling deeper into disorder, disrepair,
Falling for a girl named Ana
Who tells me I can have everything that I want
For easy daily payments of pain and despair.

But, it feels oh so good to be hungry.
Aches and pains make me high,
And sure, it’s scary knowing I could die but
At this point…
Maybe I’d be okay with that if I get to live one day
At 100 pounds.

What is wrong with me?

cello boy,
young and sweet
he finds it hard to eat
he says
to be thin is to be beautiful

young and innocent ,
he doesn't look at me
as he curves the bow
an instrument
that sings only for him

cello boy,
he has curls
hanging in his eyes
the curve of his lips is parted
but he is hardly breathing

cello man,
sometimes i dream
entirely accidentally
of his arms around me
he plays me like
an instrument

and i would sing for him,
only him.

You must not know
The pain I hide
So, I tuck it away
Until it burns me alive

It sears every cell
Of my weak and battered soul
Searching for a breath of air
To ignite a raging inferno

I conceal it to protect you
From a burdened and heinous fact
Past horrors are devouring me
Forcing my mind to reenact

Scenes and images I cannot fathom
Therefore, I am reluctant to share
Hoping for a bit of resilience
To save you from the crosses I bear

Move into the morning light
let me see you in the way god designed.
All of this time you’ve spent trying to
make yourself perfect
but you were perfect all along
here in this light
bare
& beautiful.