if you deleted my number
it would hurt more
than every ****** thing
put together
and here's why

when i broke down on you
in february
i said i was just another girl
and you told me no,
you were you and i was me
and right then
we mattered
not as a unit, but as people
separate entities

here's the catch
you said ten, fifteen years from now
sure -- i might be just another girl

it's only been two
two years
if you started blurring me together now
with the other people who are just
taking up space
in your memory

i
think
i'd
die.

When I was 5
My biggest fear was fire
And my biggest worry was if I had to go inside too early
The outside was an endless ground for games of all sorts
From war to hide and seek
We would play until the sun set
And the streetlights shined bright
My friends lived within seconds
We'd knock on one another's door multiple times
Until we could all come out and play

When I was 10
My biggest fear was a person
Tormenting me, screaming
and striking me until I'd break
I still feared fire but not because of dying
Simply because i knew it might not **** me
My biggest worry was having to wake up
Having to live another day in that house
Such a beautiful outside
The perfect hand-crafted family home
But that shell only hid horrific events within the fractured walls
I had no friends to save my sanity
Rotting from the inside out
A loving, child's heart demented and torn
Tattered and choked until every ounce of trust and happiness leaked out
I tried to go outside again but nature could only help me for so long
Before I returned to the nightmare that was my reality

When I was 15
I feared being alone
My hell had no ending
And my biggest worry was someone noticing the scars
traced along my body
It wouldn't matter if I cut too deep
If blood poured out and pooled beneath me
Both pain and death would solve the problem accordingly
I stayed inside
What was left of my imagination focused on either dying
Or on running far far away
My brain drowned in empty hopelessness
I gave up on the world and lost faith in everything
My savior appeared but not even she could **** the demons plaguing my mind

At 18 I left home
My biggest fear was returning again
My biggest worry was not ever being ok
Because I may had left the origin of evil
But it did not change what was in my head
The demons followed me everywhere
Stalking and striking at any hour
Draining me of hope and energy
Then I met my first love
A beautiful girl with gorgeous sapphire eyes
But she hid a dark soul beneath the beauty and I soon learned the dangers of loving your demons
At first she understood me,
Helped me through my addiction to the knife
But as quickly as she came, she changed into someone I feared
Because I knew I could never leave her
She possessed my heart so tightly within her poisonous grasp
Ripping it clear out of my chest
I feared I would ruin something again and end up alone
And one day she decided that I was no longer enough
That my entire being could not suffice to satisfy her sadistic needs
She drowned my heart for 6 months,
Shattering it completely 2 times
Before deciding to leave
But that love was built on *** and deceit
And though she claimed to love me
The searing pain coursing through my entire body
Was finally enough for me to see that
she did not know how to love

Now that I'm almost 20
My biggest fear is hurting my friends and family
Because I still never know when I could snap
My biggest worries are not making enough
Money for my life
Time for my friends
And love for my family
The universe has sent me a precious gift
Someone who knows love enough to share it with me
And though I'm still broken
Her beautiful heart helps mend my broken soul
With love and understanding
We have conquered over 7 months together
But I know she could still leave
This time the twisted beginning began from me
I broke her heart before I knew she gave it to me
And I know deep down she still resents me
But I deserve it
And she's worth it

Most days I know not who I am
Society labels me a 'girl'
But inside I know that's not me
I'm nothing,
A gender less, label less freak
And **** it hurts so bad
When they misgender me
Though I'm still too afraid to correct them
It's as though they twist a knife through my organs
Whenever they say 'she'
Who knew three letters
Could bring so much pain to me
Though I put the blade away, I turned to flames
Burning the nicotine into my lungs
Still begging not to wake up
Still thinking of death every day
Sometimes locking it out
And others inviting it in willingly
I guess Adulthood really hasn't changed a thing
I work until I can't stand it
But still cannot sleep
The depression burns more intense some days
But unlike everyone else in my life
*It never truly leaves

I'm starting to forget the sound of her voice and I have nothing to jog my memory because where I stored our love no longer exists. It shattered to pieces the minute my heart stopped beating.

2. I told my 14 year old brother that I might be moving to Michigan and all he could say was "Please Jackie, don't leave again."

3. My dad is trying to stay sober and I'm trying not to stay sober. Our actions are clashing back and forth like the ocean during a hurricane. We are way too similar and that scares the crap out of me and yet I do nothing to change myself.

4. I'm terrible at cutting people off. Especially the ones who ripped my whole world a part. I think it's because I think I deserve it. I cheer on the pain like it's a marathon runner on his last mile. I search for it in everything. More importantly I search for it in girls with big eyes and sweet smiles.

5. As soon as I make progress I turn right back around and walk straight into everything that's killing me. I am a storm chaser. While others are trying to get as far away from everything that hurts I walk right alongside it because it's familiar and new things scare me.

6. I process my entire life in my head. Every detail of a break up, every second of that one time I thought I was falling in love but really I was using her to keep myself together. We both ended up falling apart. My mind is a machine on overdrive. A high functioning factory that continues to produce parts despite the fact that it's been closed for about 7 years now.

7. My thoughts destroy me because if I go down I want it to be my fault. I don't want anyone to think that they broke me because they didn't know that I was never really put together in the first place.

I broke up with you
Because I'm dishonest; a cough syrup symptom of walls I built so high.

I broke up with you
Because when I look at you I hate you; that glare of pain in your eye. The pain I've caused it hangs like smog over once beautiful hazel-greens.  

I broke up with you
Because you remind me of my parents' relationship... If you could even call it that. Doomed from the beginning, loomed and grinning over my sister and I.  

I broke up with you
Because I'm an *******.
Because I'm afraid.
Because I'm selfish.
Because I don't deserve love.

Dear Ex, The First,

I haven't spoken to you since the day I cut you off from me
Occasionally I have wanted to, but to do so would only dredge up darkness.
So all I wish to say will be here, in case you ever find it.

Hi.
I'm sorry it's been years.
I wanted to say you were right.
Right about a lot of things.
You once told me I'd grow up to be ***-crazed and wild.
Well I was, for a while,
But not for the reasons you thought.
Once for love,
Thrice just to not be alone.
You said you never forget your first love.
Well I haven't forgotten.
I've ignored, and I know I don't love you like I did,
But I've never forgotten.
You said I would stop believing in God.
I did for a while,
But not the way you expected.
I believed He existed,
But, for a while,
Did not believe in Mercy or Justice.
I found them again
Turns out they were just lost, not dead.
You said that you and Jacqueline were together
And that she didn't like me talking to you
That's part of why I never spoke to you years later.
I sometimes wonder if you got married.
I sometimes wonder if you still remember me
Or think of me.
Remember that poem I wrote the day I went away?
The House on Morris Street?
I think you misunderstood what it meant.
You were angry and hurt.
I don't think you understood
I burned down the House on Morris Street
Because I couldn't bear to watch it rot away
As you and I both knew it would one day.
I still look you up sometimes
Just to make sure you're still OK.
If you wanted to say something to me
I wouldn't ignore you
But if you didn't
I wouldn't blame you.
Just please be alive
And please be happy
I recall much more happiness you gave me
Despite the sadness in your soul.

Sincerely,
The Little Paladin

for someone who usually remembers to put on her smile every morning before she goes down to eat breakfast, i've been crying lots. my people are in an uproar i mean why do you think my hairs are always standing up on end? i sweat too much even though i'm always shivering and doc says i'm just stressed but i think my body is just searching for more ways to cry because my tear supply is running low and there are no refill stations around for miles. i never understood why people twiddle their thumbs or why it's called 'twiddle' and the day before the day before yesterday i told the girl next door that i felt like a pigeon that wanders into a busy street and freezes when a car is steadily speeding towards it.

my first grade teacher taught me the difference between horizontal, vertical, and parallel lines using words that followed a tune. little did she know that i'd be using those words eight years later to decide how i want my arms to be decorated and i mean yes scars fade or at least partially but i'd rather choose what happens to my body than have you choose for me. all of your promises snap like twigs and i think that's how you'll also break my heart. "are you bitter?" maybe maybe not but my heart is certainly past its expiry date and it's rotting much more quickly than i ever thought possible and i wish i knew why since my body is more frigid than the inside of an ice cream truck although maybe the problem is that it doesn't play welcoming music
i need to blast music in my room and then scream louder than it louder than the sound of a plane landing louder than the drumming in your chest louder than the groans that broke free from your lips when i tore myself away from you even though we were krazy glued together. i wish you could hear how your words endlessly echo and bounce off of the brick walls inside of my head because then you might realize the grand effect you have on me. an elephant doesn't forget or... something along those lines; speaking of (oh my, it always comes back to these) lines, we should discuss how the lines you gave me were always different. they were deep, so deep, deeper than the deep end at the community pool. i often found myself stuck in them and only after they began to close did i realize you stole my ladder after i climbed down.

i feel like my body has amnesia but my mind has been 'spared' i mean the muscles in my face have forgotten which ones must go taut in order to smile and my hands stumble whenever i try to undo the buttons of your shirt. at one point i would have given up anything in order to forget this madness i mean how nice it would be to fall and get up but in foreign land with an empty backpack and a full wallet.

bye.

I MEAN GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT even my farewells aren't proper and i wish you stayed up late to talk to me like you used to when i cried at night but you got sick of me-and i mean literally sick i remember hearing you gag into the porcelain bowl- when those nights became constant and my tears began to liquefy our 'forever' glue. forever wasn't supposed to be the amount of time it takes for a premature baby to be born and i mean our premature baby didn't even live because its heart couldn't beat properly and that's when i realize that my heart only beats strongly when i'm with you i miss our nightly "i love you"s although they became more routine than anything. i found myself running out of sincere words to give you but my hugs were always tight and long. always. we had our "okay?" "okay." moments way before either of us read that John Green book.

i haven't sobbed this hard since i smelled my grandmother on my pillowcase that one night and tears soaked that scent almost immediately nd now they're just kind of pooling in the crook of my neck and usually i love puddles but this isn't one that the sun will drink up. i hate it when people say all people are the same i mean we call everyone "you" when we directly address them i have said 'you' countless times in this mess of a poem while referring to a ton of different people. i mean honestly nothing is the same ever not even snowflakes. oh god i feel like my tears are eroding the skin on my face oh god i can't deal with having mountainous terrain there oh god the only reason you love me anyway is because my skin is (was) smooth oh god. i do a hell of a lot of talking without even saying anything.

bye once again and please don't send me letters like the last time.