Lately I've been sleeping with the lights on and maybe that's why I wake up every hour to talk to you so today I turned it off but I'm still up at 3 wishing I didn't love you so much. The darkness has changed nothing but my ability to see and what's worth looking at when you're not here.

I keep telling myself I'm okay and I'm fine and nothing matters and that the smile on my face is real but I should not be brought to tears when you ask how I'm feeling

I spend my nights scrubbing my skin raw to rid myself of the filth your hands left on my hips. I cannot cleanse my body of the places your lips caressed. I cannot turn back time and erase every moment of pleasure that ultimately changed the way people view me. When they look at me they should see who I am not who has put their hands on me. I am not a lesser being because I have been touched. I refuse to sit back and be labeled as a impure while you get praised for the same action. I refuse to succumb to sexist values. I will not tolerate being treated this way. The shame you and others have put on me ends here.

You used to be so obvious. I wanted you. But never like this. I didn't realize a few drunken kisses could change so much. You are no longer the boy I want to have meaningless ****** relations with. I want you. I want you to hold me. I want you to make sense of this seemily impossible puzzle that is my mind. Maybe its because you are the perfect mix of the man I once loved and the opposite of him. Or maybe its because that kiss we shared blurred by a drunken haze somehow made how I really felt clear. Or maybe its the emotional inavaliability of both our minds, still blinded by two people of genetically hypnotic blood that will never feel the same. But whatever it is, it made me want every part of you so much more.

The pain I felt when I would think of you, that's gone now. Every single memory of you I had hits me like a wreaking ball. Anger is the only emotion I have towards you anymore. You used to be the one punching walls. You used to be the one with the clenched fists and red face. But the tides have turned. Now I just lay down with ****** knuckles and tears streaming down my face as I let every single knife you stabbed in my back go deeper and deeper. One day, I won't be able to breathe from burning my lungs with cigarettes. One day, I'll take too many pills because they were always nicer to me than you were. One day, I'll stop I castracising all these wounds, only to leave more. One by one the people in my life will drop like flies, just as you did. One day, I will be gone, and no one will care.

I remember when I was cautious. I used to drink in moderation. I used to keep track of the pills I took. I used to read warning labels. I used to kiss people I loved. I used to smoke on rare occasions. I used to sleep every night. I used to eat three meals a day. I'm reckless. Everything in my life has changed. The only thing I am careful of now is you

I once kissed a boy after too many shots and lots of stupid decisions but I haven’t stopped thinking about him since