“looking back, we weren’t all that great for one another. you liked to be distant, i liked to overthink. you never told me what was wrong, i told you everything that was wrong. you were afraid of expectations, i expected to be loved the way i loved you.

i think even at the beginning i knew it may not quite work, but despite all our flaws i knew we had a spark, and i was determined to set that spark aflame. i fell in love with the idea of a flame that never came.”

Your lies charred holes that couldn’t be closed , who am I really convincing here , here at your every call I start to wither and fall , I’ve been running off an exhausted thought of you and me because every time I think of us I get a little stuck , you say you love me but her and her I cannot keep up with the way you love because the way you love and the way I love are two different ways I thought you could hang but it turns to play that every man will have his way

The way you smelted of liquor all day made me wanna go away even after all the failed attempts at asking I always tried to over communicate but I guess you really can’t change a man that doesn’t want to be changed. The way you held me late at night I thought that meant that you loved me the way I craved but deep down every day I knew I was deprived and my mind had to Play this game to convince myself that it was okay because you told me you loved  

The power those words held over me especially when they fell from your lips made me paranoid and frayed until the very next day you would convince the thoughts to go away you had your way with my mind and it made me cave falling to my knees for your every praise , you put my brain in a haze trying to read every ****** maze but unfortunately I could never find my way

My brain on the constant train is he thinking of me or her , god the way you’re not willing to change has me in a hold for days, but it’s okay as soon as you say even tho my feelings are still astray something you’ll always try to invalidate , I don’t know why I continue to stay

Mania dances around my head teasing me into thinking I’m happy , when mania is near your uncontrollable laughter consumes my sadness , your thoughts consume mine as we become one, you love attention and you do anything to get it, a soft whisper in my ear and a shove from behind forcing me to live out your life, my anxiety is racing with uncertainty from the uncomfortable situations you put me in , and as my mind races to figure out how to stop it , you slowly bring me back to earth again , reminding me that you are me and I am you, as you slowly fade away , waiting for another day, the sadness sinks back in, wishing I had your confidence and wishing I had your silly personality, my dark room calls me away from freedom of mania , reaching for the orange pill bottle ,lithium stares into my eyes with a glimmer telling me everything will be all right as I shut my eyes.

I wore our relationship like an old noose
Because I liked the feeling of the heaviness , the feeling of my breath slowly escaping me
But it was always my fault.
Your words spit fire leaving my heart aching
Your hand print rests on my skin as a reminder that I was wrong.
I apologize that I keep falling apart before your glue has time to dry.
But I’m tired and ashamed
My glue doesn’t want to stick anymore
I have kissed boys
Girls
People in between but lately
I’ve been kissing bottles
Their lips are colder than yours
The blade that kisses my wrist reminds me that I’m not alone Because I would rather bleed to know I’m alive then try to pick myself back up for you, but , I apologize for my broken heart.

It is the color of love
The calmness of her hand in yours
It is the quietness
Of your empty house
It is the feeling of peace
when you down the pink Moscato
hoping it fixes your problems
Because the heat is gone
And you’re alone
It is the feeling of
Your alarm going off
Never shutting up
Always happening daily
It is a lapse in time
When you think time has stopped
When you wished
Time had stopped
And you wish you could sit there smelling the lavender flowers
And the heat making you feel
Just tired
But time continues and burst of slow
Calm winds hit you peacefully
It is the color of sadness
Because her hand is no longer there
Your bed, empty
Your pillow the endless clouds
The lavender fragment gone
Because you’ve stopped trying to imagine sunsets and how your life would be like with sight
You’ve given in
It is the color of darkness
The color of your life
But don’t fret
Because when your head hits the clouds
Our worlds are the same
For when you close your eyes
And they close theirs
Our worlds are the same
As the sunsets

It was in that moment when I couldn’t walk outside wearing shorts that I  knew society was ****** up
It was in the moment that my shirt that hung off my shoulders meant that I wanted to have *** that I knew society was ****** up
Because we’re built on grounds that say if you’re still a ****** you’re dull and boring and if you’re not, you’re a ***** in waiting
We’re built on grounds that call girls ****** and ***** if they don’t give it up we’re built on grounds where we make girls feels worthless because they say no
It was in the moment that your hands trailed my skin in a sin that I knew society was ****** up and when I told someone how your evil hands played me like a toy that it was automatically my fault because my shirt was too low and all my makeup basically said I was asking for it. But the difference between you and I was that I saw my body as a temple and you turned my temple into a sinful pool so the second time your hands wanted to play tag with my body I didn’t say anything my unresponsive language was enough to make you think I said yes because I was petrified by your greasy grimy hands that I froze and when I tried telling my mom she said guys will be guys and that I needed to move on so when you came back for the third time I didn’t scream or shout I didn’t try to fight back I thought guys will be guys and I need to move on.

Addiction
Is 2am stumbling in slurring all your words
Addiction is when the needle is so far in your vein that it aches and pulses
Addiction is when your nose burns from not the first but the 20th line
You tell your self I’m not addicted I don’t have a problem but your family is begging with pleading eyes and you sit with bleeding veins as you tell yourself just one more Adderall you don’t see how far gone you are until you’re gone because you would rather give up your own life rather then the Xanax hanging from your hand you say it’s an escape but this escape is calling death upon yourself
You’re a prisoner to the drugs begging with pleading eyes for someone to ask you how you’re doing but when they don’t you’ll sit in the dimly lit kitchen as pills caress your hand you’ll wonder why no one asked you. You feel alone so you’ll fill the void with another shot of liquid gold and when you’re finally able to sleep after days of escaping your day meres you’ll realize the reason why no one asked how you were and as the realization sets in you’ll take out the needle and throw away the pills as your nightmares begin to fade and the smile on your face comes into play you’ll realize I made it out of this.

I was always told girls don't cuss
they don't speak out of turn
they let the guy control the relationship
I was 5 when my mom told me to sit
Even straighter than the 180 degree line
I sat at
She said boys were scouting
And I was their prey
I didn't know
the way I dressed
Determined
If I was a ***** or not
Because we live
In a society
where **** shaming
Is encouraged
And how many girls
Did you **** last night
was an encouragement
But if I try and tell someone
I want attention
And I’m not really the victim
Because it was my fault
For dressing like I wanted it
My father told me not to argue with men
So the second time
You encased
Me in my nightmare
I didn’t try to fight
bruises linger from the first time
I felt worthless
you made me lose my worth
because my shoulder was
too provoking
the spark in my eyes gone
the emotion held on my face
non existent
as you pined me to the floor
you said
don't tell anyone
and my father taught me
to never argue with a man.

Last night I saw the fear in your eyes
the vulnerability seeping in.
I made you vulnerable and you hated me for that
you hated that I was the only one
who actually made you feel something
so you had to go and cheat
but I was the **** all though your inbox
says different
A flirty message with a heart faced attached
it doesn't mean anything I tell myself
he loves me.
But I never truly believed. Us girls caught
up in our heads is he thinking of me too.
you broke my heart and I want to break your spine
my therapist says letting anger out is healthy
but I actually want you to die
I want you to feel the pain I felt when I saw you with not the first but the third girl. But I was the idiot for going back.
I want you to not be able to sleep at night
Having panic attack after panic attack
wondering why you were never good enough
I want you to die
because I see in colors and you shut your blue eyes and now all I see is black.
because you said you loved me
and her
and her
my liver trying to accommodate all the alcohol just to get a weakened smile
my veins screaming for me to stop
bleeding them dry my head spiraling trying to get me to think of anything else but you
your manipulative blue eyes and your sinful lips but I am my own worst enemy

Your eyes reminded me of oceans
and broken promises
you were just like the ocean
you had promising days
beautiful reflections but you were dark and scary.
Because I couldn't swim
but you took me anyway
your voice drowning me in but I'm the ******* ****
even though you took girl after girl
Was I not good enough
our constant arguments drowning me
suffocating my innocence even the ocean
couldn't wash away the sins
that flooded out the lies you put in my head.
I'm not the weak one because even
though I couldn't swim
I got up and fought your toxic wasteland
you tried to win but
I'm letting you know
I learned how to swim
*****.

They tell me to sit still
I want to move
I need to move
their hands are on me
iv's in my veins
screaming for freedom from pain
my mom told me we were going home
she said I'd be happier
if happier meant
taking four depression pills
and sitting in a circle talking about my feelings
I didn't want it
I didn't want to be happy if it meant more pain
they close my door at 8pm
they say anyone with depression needs sleep
I am not me anymore
I am my disease
No longer myself
but depression
they tell me to share how I'm feeling
and pretend to care when I refuse treatment
they say I need help
and to refuse is dumb
I am no longer myself
I am a sad story
that no one wants to hear
I am a girl no one wants to bear
I am depression
they open my door
the red pill glares at me from a distance then the white and then blue
its a process my brain likes
its a process that I hate
I cry in my room alone at night
because I didn't realize how good I had it
I want to be at home
but instead the door gets closed
and I am labeled depression.

you say submit to me
as you tie my hands around my back
But when were in public
you tell me to keep my hands to myself
Your lips touch mine and for a second
I think you feel what I feel
But you never do
Because you're blinded by a society
Who you think cares but really doesn't
I love you I say the pain in my throat trying to go away
you smile and say
only in the bedroom
But it was more for me because my body
does not define my love for you and your hands
that that trace my skin and your lips that tell me to submit
know they want more than just my body.
Yet you'll hide behind the screen of a laptop and pretend
like everything is okay. you'll pretend your feelings for me are fake
but I know they're real almost as real as the noises you make
while my hands are possessing your body
REALER than the first time you said you loved me while having ***. But instead of accepting it. Instead of letting me have you. you'll pretend. its not even a big deal that you're gay.
but yet you'll pretend. its okay because when I look at you and you're already looking at me and they way you always try and find a way to touch me ill smile and hope that this act is up but the next day comes and I wake up.

liking who I like does not define me. Being
in love does not mean I'm a child.
I love a girl I tell my mom a wide smile
spread across my face. She looks at me questioning getting ready for the lecturing
"you're confused you like boys" I smile
and play along like okay I like boys but at night when her mouth
Trails down my neck
and I scream out her name I wont want to play anymore
because the way her lips felt
on my skin made me jump and I wanted to feel that every single day.
I wore our relationship like an old noose
because I loved the heaviness of trying to pretend that I didn't like her. Trying to hide our relationship and the fact that I was in love with her.
The closet.
it was grimy and claustrophobic as it
slowly started to suffocate me
running out of oxygen I needed to get out
but you wouldn't let me pass the barrier.
mom I say I've never felt this way with anyone before.
you push me back and close the door.
When I see her my world slowly slips away
and I cant find a way to hide how I feel
anymore I grab her face brining her lips to mine
as we sit in our sin your eyes get wide
and I can pretend for once that I don't care.
coming out felt more empowering then trying to be someone I'm not.
oxygen oh how good it felt to breathe freely. The closet behind me.

TUESDAY
And there you are.
I'm sitting next to you.
And I can feel you everywhere.
Your hands that once rested on my body.
And your lips that sat in our sin.
I shouldn't be this nervous But, there you
are, next to me. Just sitting.
I wasn't this nervous when your hands
trailed down my body and your lips kissed
my thighs.
I wasn't this nervous.
It was supposed to be just a kiss.
We seem to be stuck in between different
universes.
Between hello and goodbye.
And shy glances from the side.
But, when I watch you kiss him.
ill remember the way your tongue felt
against mine and the heat rising in
between your thighs.
Yet you still kiss guys.
Because you're scared to come to terms
with being in love with a girl.
I wasn't this nervous when you screamed
my name in pleasure and your nails ran
down my back
but, now I'm nervous. Nervous that you
will never come to terms with liking girls.
I'm nervous when I see you kiss him
then look at me. I'm nervous for you. My anxiety has risen and gone away a thousand times today and its only
Tuesday, yet I'm still nervous for you.
because our universes only exist in hello and goodbye.