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Deb-O-Rah Sep 2014
A crowded room, I just dance, finding solice beneath the mask.
Friends they chatter laugh and squee, every one enjoying humanity.
Pulse is racing, words they vanish I can't stand this.
I wish I could join the crowd and interject some interlect.
Instead the panic steals the magic and now its to late, oh woe is my fate.
Stuck inside my own head, is it time yet for my bed?
Slip away quietly drinking my sobriety, hoping that next time my courage will win and I can finally play my part, instead of dancing in the dark.
What solace is there in darkness?
When angels never leave the light
For their doors so bright dissolve at night
And then the demons come to call.


When awareness slips to slumber
The mind unfettered won’t stay calm
When Nox recalls - I relive it all
I must feel the pain once more.

How many more nights must I dread
How long will I be forced to see
When will the memory be kept from me
I don't want to cry anymore
Copyright 2009 - Black Dragon Logo & Design
kategoldman Nov 2013
Silky smiled girls
With cups tipped off of saturdays doubts
Validating infidelity for a firm grasp
Graffiti sideways winks
Your only as remarkable as your last debute
Born again to a word offering baptisms in svedka
Your vices tattood on a list of hymns
Find solice in no mans company
Bring faith on your knees to a boy who can't speak his name
Your body is a temple with access through insecurity
Bless me father it has been two drinks since my last confession
Silky smiled girls
Make no home for validation in weekend crimes
B Beckwith  Aug 2013
Safety Dance
B Beckwith Aug 2013
You're risking naught, an annihilation of worth
Wasting and encouraging moments to rot. Decay.

Values friendship
Twisted morals dipped in deceit.
Not satisfied with boundaries

Chasing infected affection
swirling in the smooth crevasses of backwash around emptied wine bottles
Impressionable, emitting the most tenacious
of the F word
Fake

Fake and Selfish
It isn't narcissism when you drown yourself
in the pits

No permission, no inhibition
As lazy as the Greeks
who never made a move to climb the mountaintop
and defy their Gods face to face

Dependent and ******* support from Clans
because you're terrified of this world
At least I"m honest with my decanter of
harming thoughts.

obsessed and overbearing, flesh crawling
use my being as subject matter and
mold it into paperdoll play toys

like gold eye-liner
its a party trick
seek solice when grimacing down a bottle of brew

bumpers in the bowling alley
a Life Alert sort of living
You claim to haven no fear
but I see your throat clench

start living
admit the defeat
a proud coward
lilly livered, yellow belly
shift
shift between a fable and nerve
traitor
the darkness comes as it goes

the dread however, seems intent on staying.

falling to my feet only ends up a ****** mess

theres no soft place to fall,

no solice to take.

...

there is only the act of hardening

and tempered steel,

though, when cold to the touch

is savagely barren

it can still in the heat of fire

take on the attributes of warmth

and melt and become something rather inept

though slightly beautiful.

...

what then, is there to do but reform our selves

and invite anguish and pain and then harden and soften again

till we find the shape of our hearts in the mould of the future

we once dreamed of

if we can still remember it.

...

and dread will be our constant companion;

the third wheel in our fortunes.

which was never handed to us in any decent form of fate,

but that in that fight of going anywhere

somewhere hidden in the violent struggle

is our often ignored love

beating its heart out for the tempo to temper

and

both beats to trigger each other in all our love states

simply to be recognised for what they are,

invincible.
Haley Harrison  Jan 2021
Drowning
Haley Harrison Jan 2021
I'm drowning.
The waves crash around me
And the storm rages,
The rabid sea pulls me under,
Foaming in its fury.
.
And in the darkness, I cling to a lone rock,
A coral reef? A whisper of an island?
I'm deaf to whispers of comfort -
The wind and waves howl and crash,
Outside of me, and in.
.
Diamonds are also rocks.
This could be one, but I'm blind to see.
The night is black and the current strong,
I gasp for breath and clench my fingers,
Cutting myself, but I can't let go.
It's all that keeps me afloat,
This bit of stone, a lone companion.
.
I'm still drowning.
The feel of a small salvation,
The solice of solidity
Under my fingers,
Isn't actually a rescue.
The waves are merciless;
I breath in salt,
Gasp, and cough and heave,
And my rock can't stop that.
There's no defeating the storm.
.
It crumbles under my fingers,
Weathered by the ocean,
As am I.
The deep dark blue
Whips against us both,
But is it not my hands that break it faster?
.
I'm beyond saving,
Yet I cling, selfishly, taking it with me as I sink.
For the small comfort,
The solice of solidity under my fingers.
As I cough, and heave, and gasp,
Losing sensation in my limbs.
.
It's too much effort, holding on,
And I am tired, faded, worn.
Cold, and numb,
I feel the thrum through me now:
I'm one with the sea.
As I let go, and silence covers me,
Like a blanket against the water,
Lulling me, slowly,
To the deep dark blue embrace.
.
There’s peace in giving up,
Relinquishing the fight.
The ocean hums now,
So far beneath the surface,
It's quiet here, away from thoughts.
.
02.01.2021.
(for P.)
When I first saw you, I don't know what I thought. Your hair was straight, and your bangs swooped to one side mearly covering the corner of your eye. You were talkative, clearly not my type. And yet, we held engaging conversations for 3 hours. I had forgotten your name, but I thought it would be nice for you to be my friend anyway.

Time passed and you opened my mind up to a lot of things, like not settling too young. You said you wanted me, and yet would not give me such a committing title as to say Girlfriend. I pushed you to like me. I was in such awe of you.

You were talented. I encouraged all of your successes. But I didn't see your true talent. You were talented in other ways that were malicious.
You were with two women. You were out with me by day, and talking with her at night. Confused about which one you liked more.

But it wasn't even about which of us you liked more. It was a game of chase. You waited to see which one of us would run after you the most.

Even after you gave me the long awaited title, you didn't tell me reasons you liked me other than the fact that I had won. Like you were some big prize at a carnival I had wasted all of my tickets on all the games trying to win a version of you. The version I thought was cool, and a version I could adore.

I wouldn't say it was a facade, or an illusion, or an illustration in my head. The version of you was real, but it was simply not the only version.

Some nine months later, you had declared a new version of yourself. One you said was better than all the others. One you claimed was going to be the final one. I had to grieve for the old ones, but had to accept the new one quicker.
I went to all of your appointments. Every doctor you had visited. Helped you develop your voice. Encouraged you when you got discouraged. And yet I was so discouraged.

You buried yourself. In other people, and in other things, never turning to look at me. I was helping you find your voice yet your voice would never speak to me directly. There was always someone else you rather talk to.

I found my solice in a few other people, too. When you took notice, that voice i never heard towards me, would suddenly boom into my ear as a loud sob. Also admitting all of your promises to me would be lies.

I was a Villan now. Untrustworthy. But had you not done the same? Wasn't it you who started it? Had it become another game?

I'd like to think I got good at the game, however I was still playing by your rules, and you were still the ruler. I had tried to cut the strings many times but you were still my puppeteer.

As I slept with one eye open, expecting you to scream at me in the dead of night- as you often did- I wondered, was this a new version of you, or was this your true version all along? Was this who you were when I met you? Was the adoration I had for you since the start...delusion?

You scream and you sob, and yet I can't hear you anymore. Your voice was hoarse and strained, and had becoming nothing more than white noise like rain on my metaphorical window sill. All the rain- the sobbing, and I still couldn't sleep.

I started to hear voices in an empty room. Angels? Hallucinations. You had encouraged I take a sip of alcohol, but the sip turned into bottles, routinely. And yet I still couldn't sleep.

I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I grabbed a knife I had stowed in my pocket, just to see if I could still feel such human pain. As the blade mearly touched my skin I wondered, how deep could I go? Now a scar I carry with me for the rest of my life.

Maybe you were my hallucination. Every bad day, bad experience I had in a person. I feel like it was training. Training me for the types of people I might encounter in my lifetime. Teaching me how to solve such a problem.

Did God give you the right for such an act? Such false promises and falsettos? I still cannot think of a reason for all that I endured. And will continue to search for one.
Brandi R Lowry  Aug 2017
The Calm
Brandi R Lowry Aug 2017
As echoes and whispers
Begin to change
And sound and silence
Become the same
I look back
From where I came
And find solice
In everything
It will haunt her
the favorite pencil
tip softened just so...
paw pushed it
somewhere to a secret spot
out of vision, her reach
a peice of paper elusive
yet there...
lodged deep amidst
a stack of most important things

She does not lose well...

Not in terms of games or competition
but the things in her life
that envelop her world
tough n' scrappy
beautiful n' tender
holding all things dear
close to her heart
Loss is a place of 
deepest contemplation
Her memories
are vibrant, alive

She does not lose well

creatures and people
that are immersed
in her life
even one pulled out leaves
like a building block
A tear
A gap
A hole in her life

She does not forget
or minimize the
pertinance of
freindship
love
A moment that has
touched her heart

When it is time for
the loss
the breaking of her heart
can be felt
through
time
space

The moment
becomes filled
With rainbows of light
She will bathe in that beam...
helps guide them home

She trusts in the divine
finding there solice
amidst the
flutterings of
her tender, broken heart
Grief shrouds her
A mystical veil
that holds her dearly
as the pain
becomes bearable
she will begin
to tell her stories
once again

~ Christi Michaels ~ June 2014~
In honor of a dear friend, that
helped her Mother "Home"
Falling...
Down deep into downy
Finding solice, amidst the
arms of my beloved.
Into warmth, my heart opening.
Once again, stepping off a
cliff Into love.
A moment, believing I am
safe, in what was once
My emotional sanctuary.

Falling...
Down deep into reality.
Honoring the integrity
of my heart.
Protecting, my tender self
from an illusion,
a memory of sanction.
Once again, stepping
off a cliff into love.
A refuge I painfully yearn
for, yet stopping myself
before I land into unsafe
harbor once again.


Copyright © 2015 Christi Michaels.
All Rights Reserved.

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