we all collect pain, desire, love, wounds, questions ect
it makes us unique, insane and human
our every action dictated by our subconscious
constantly reminding the awake mind, you don't rule
i realized today how me, my collection is
most women collect wedding and baby pics
i collect mommy and me moments
something i long for so deep its indescribable
always knowing "i" got backup
no matter how messed up "i' get
she keep the lights on, so that i can find home
no matter what i will always be here for you
always real and true in action and presence
always real no double standard
i stopped taking my anti-depression medicine
it allowed me to live life with muffled screams
never giving outlet to my wordless emotions
so raw, i lack the vocabulary to express
so raw, i don't recognize it
so raw, i struggle each day to keep it together
The water haunts my house. Appearing so very often.
The nights on which it comes
tears apart all in its path.
No one can stop it.
It burns as it gets a hold of your throat and kills your insides with each sip
a sip so deadly you don't realize there until it hits you so hard you cant stand
correctly, so hard it slurs your words and will make you feel what anger is trapped deep inside you
So deadly it makes you feel as if your dependent on it.
It is planted in your mind,
making you think of it every second of the day, craving the sweet relief of unquenched thirst.
Water kills you and the ones who love you.
Water needs to stay in the cabinet tucked away
where no harm is done.
So my dad will no longer hurt himself or me and mommy.
He is not deadly just the water that kills and injurs.
The water haunts my house.
My lips felt warm around that word.
Like when my leg wrapped around you
Insulated by your thick body.
It's like we never had sleepless nights.
In white cold Michigan.
Cold like Christmas season
With a warm mood.
My tongue got twisted as I began to age
I couldn't grasp my leg around you
and I only got shorter, while they said you're getting stronger
This is what it's like to get older.
So I didn't sleep with her anymore.
I couldn't sleep as much anymore.
I stripped the yee
That bounded us together
No mommy no mommy noo
I called her mom
Because I'm an adult now.
I am cold.
They said venture off into this world alone.
Every time I turn around she still has a hold.
My leg let go of her body
But her hands bleed with a tight grip
And cracks that let me back in.
She said Mommy will always be here
We were one when you were inside me
We are one now because I am always beside you, behind you, before you, because I love you.
I love you Mommy.
You don’t need arrows to pierce the skin
Your grief will do just fine
You don’t need insults to stab the heart
Your disappointment is enough
You don’t need a blade to cut the surface
Your tears will do the job
How can I be your daughter
While I’m being the parent you never had
How can I go to you with my sorrow
When a single tear of my own
Sends you reeling in regret and tears
That out last mine
When my past
Turns into your own nightmare
Your hugs turn into me holding you up
Me holding you together
Trying to bandage your wounds
While my own bleed uncontrollably
And when you are feeling great you say “we” are doing great
And when I’m doing stuff on my own
It’s a good thing for you, because my determination will encourage you
And when you are depressed is it all about you and your pain
And when it is my sorrow
You are the first to shed tears and turn it upon yourself
I’m trapped in this darkness
Drowning in my own
And waves of yours just push me farther down
Suffocating because you keep stealing my breath
Dying because you keep me from healing
You tear away my bandages to place upon yourself
And I let you
I help you with my shaky hands
Hold you with my bleeding arms
Comfort you with the little air I have in my lungs
I let my tears fall into your eyes for you to cry
I tell you the words that I long to hear from you
That I long to feel
“Everything will be ok”
I wish this was true
I warm you with my heart
And you greedily accept
Leaving me cold
Inside and out
You take my emotions
Leaving me numb
And you tell me you love me
After you just killed me
And yet you have no idea
How far it has gone
How much you take from me
How much I give to you
I may have placed the poison in your hands
But you are the one who used it on me
Again and again
And now you watch me struggle for life
And you say “I wish I could help”
But deep down you need me
Need me to give up my life so you can live
Need me to keep coming back for the antidote
Only to poison me again
Once upon a time you called me “Your Baby”
But now I have no name
Because like everything else
You have taken it from me…