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My shadow faded
and now there's a ghost behind this silhouette
wondering the night.
Don't worry I forgive you for not being the people you were supposed to be as a family member.
I understand that you were completely incapable of seeing blood isn't an option
I know that it is now.
I've forgiven you for all the things you have done to me.
All of you
you see me as a corrupted mind.
Someone with problems
But I was your problem.
And you made it simple to solve me by writing me off as someone who you can go and complain to
But you drew the line there because I can't do the same with you.
You made it a point with your sly comments beating around the bush trying to make sure you insult me without being blamed for the words like I was hearing things.
But that's just it.
I was hearing things
I was hearing the spaces between each word.
The fact that I'm here but I'm not.
Because I'm here for you, but I'm not here for me
I forgive you all for not seeing everything that I did right while you found things to literally lie about.
Things that never happened.
yeah, but I'm the crazy one.
but I forgive you for that
I forgive you for not truly treating me as family.
truth is if that's family then I want no part of it.
blood may be thicker than water.
that is true
but everyone has blood running through their veins and ill make my own family.
one where I belong
I forgive you though.
for destroying a family member when they were already falling apart.
For walking away and going to a bar and making me come "home" when I was in my safe place.
For choosing drugs over me
For giving your daughter to me and ripping her away when you decided that you wanted her back for your own selfish benefits.
for sending me to school crying
for kissing an ex of mine from a past three year relationship just a couple months later then apologizing just to do it again a few more months later
For not believing me when things happened simply because you didn't SEE it.
For showing and choosing one daughter that changed your life with the same birthday.
For not leaving when I moved out at 12
For not asking me to come back when I was 13
for waiting till I was graduated to care.
For telling me I need help.
I do
For being the last people that I can come too.
I guess I don't forgive you.
Because you cant take responsibility for your actions
how can you when those actions are being repeated?
No, I don't forgive you.
But, seriously, when would you ever apologize anyway?
Katlynn Newell Jul 2020
I'm back and still bleeding the same sugar that got me no where
I'm stuck and still feeling the feelings that they feel
but I don't want to
        WELL YOU'RE GOING TO.
but I don't want to.
        BUT YOU'RE GOING TO ANYWAYS.
I fight with my self some times.
Isn't it funny?
        NOT REALLY
I saw you crying the other day when you were at your house texting me with smiley faces and lols
Empathy man it's just great.
I'd take your pain if I could
       YEAH YOU WILL.
make it stop
Whats wrong?
          JUST TASTE THE HONEY.
I don't like honey
         THEN DRINK THE VINEGAR
I don't like that either.
        BUT IT'S ALWAYS WHAT YOU WANT
but I'm in the back of my own line.
because I'd take your pain, your hurt, and your aches.
I'd take it for you because i already feel it so why not take it all?
       YOU'LL TAKE IT AND LIVE WITH IT GROW ALONG SIDE IT AND CONTINUE TO DO SO TILL I SAY TO STOP.
I said to stop.
But my mind and voice won't come together and agree.
so I'll live with the empathy
Katlynn Newell Apr 2020
My best friend came along unexpected.
we just ended up talking even though we hated each other at first
My best friend had my back. she made sure to stand by me every time.
My best friend put my pieces back together when I didn't think it was possible.
She came in and saw my bruises and ****** noses.
She saw the tears at night and pain in my eyes
She was there.
She helped me
when I had no one and felt all alone
she was my person.
She had patience when I was wasn't the best.
she had love when I had none
She had faith for the both of us when mine was running low.
She picked up the 90 when all I had was 10
and she still does to this day.
My best friend is gods blessing to me.
My best friend is Maryjane.
Yep that's her name
and shes my best friend
shes my sister.
Katlynn Newell Apr 2020
I bet you don't know that you saved me
I bet you don't know that you make me feel better than I ever have before
I bet you don't know that your the reason I'm still here
As I sat looking through my messages to people to say goodbye to
I bet you don't know that going back and giving you my number was not what I expected to do
But I did and you made me smile and you helped me through the night I wasn't supposed to make it through
I bet you don't know that I woke up the next morning because for some reason something finally felt right
It felt like someone cared
I bet you don't know that when I say I love you
I truly mean it and you have no clue just how much my heart longs for  you
I bet you don't know just how much I would do to keep you in my life
Because I'd be beaten again
and broken again and hurt again
and shattered again and scared again
As long as the end result was the way I feel when I have you
When I talk to you
When I am held by you
I bet you don't know that you've helped me so much more that you could ever imagine
Because you care and I need that
Because you're funny and after everything I've been through I need that
My smile has recovered
Its back
I bet you don't know the impact you have on my life
But I know that I'm going to try my best to make yours amazing
I know you know I love you
But I bet you don't know how much
I bet a million on you
Katlynn Newell Apr 2020
shhh

I don't want to think about the many tones in the wind that's blowing past my ears.
I don't want to think about each spark that flies up from the fire.
I just want to enjoy the warmth.
I don't want to think about all the many stitches in my blanket.
I just want to feel the comfort.
I don't want to think about the bubbles escaping my nose when I'm swimming.
I just want to sit at the bottom and take in how beautifully clear it is.
I don't want to think about thinking anymore.
I just want live, and not exist.
Katlynn Newell Nov 2019
Don't tell me you know the pain I'm feeling
When the breath isn't breathing
and I'm still bleeding
and my baby isn't crying

When there is no rise and fall
and the nurses walk out and go in the hall

When her blue eyes close
And I count all her toes

When I kiss her forehead
When I cant tuck her in and put her to bed

When the life I gave is put to rest
And all my faith is put to the test

When I say goodbye
13 minutes after saying hi

So please
Don't compare the death of my child to the death of your dog
It's not liking losing a family member
although I'm not disregarding your pain
just please don't compare it

My daughter was here on this earth
too beautiful for this life
Too good to be an ordinary person

She had to be an angel
and I had to let her go.

Hope Elizabeth Jane
R.I.P.
07.28.2014
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