I was in love once.
But it was such a long time ago,
I've begun to wonder if it was all in my mind.

Yes, there's been others since then,
But they always end in the same type of motions,
It seems to me the strangest paradigm.

Always starting with a vague sense of hope
A longing to feel a way again,
But then simply failing most definitely.


The longing for the feeling I adore,
Overpowers the longing for another's mind.
I don't even know if my heart can still hold something of that capacity.


And what  if I don't want it to?
Isn't it great to be free?
To leave all the cares behind, and live by the tide?

But wouldn't it be great to be free again?
To reside at the limit of happiness
Merely by being with that person you admire?

Even then, how could you ever know if he felt the same?
If a heart doesn't break even,
Surely it can't love equally either.

If my longing for him is greater than his for me,
What does that leave me to do,
Once his power is stronger than any other?

Or maybe it will never come to matter,
Because all these conflictions are secondary,
What I mostly fear would be much greater.

What if I can never feel that way again?
What if I've wore down my sensitivity,
And grown rock hard to the possibility of these feelings?

Maybe it's a lack of patience,
And maybe it's a complete inability.
And maybe I should just accept the reality that I may never fully connect with another human being.

Oh, what have I done to my heart.

I've decided to start the year anew and try to figure out my problems.
Complaining at this moment in time has become redundant. For the only problem I feel is one I have created for myself. Not being able to let go, move on, I am carrying a flaw because I have become attached to. My last known friend who I can truly open up to. I am deeply conflicted with my own thoughts and don’t know where to start to fix this problem, that I have again created for myself.
To start off, I abuse him. Emotional of course, and not intentionally, but abuse none the less. Perhaps I'm subconsciously pushing him away because it’s better for him in the long run. The deeply ingrained flaws in my diverse personality are openly seen when reacting with his nature. When this has occurred with others I’ve simply distanced myself from them, allowing for my weaknesses not to be exposed… but he genuinely cares. As in basic human nature I am drawn to others that care. The romantic way no (not any more at least), for even if I wanted to love him I could not; having all guards down for another requires trust, trust only family can gain. As having only one person worthy of understanding me, well trying to at least, all the burdens are laid on him. It’s such a cruel fate but I could not help myself… before the worst of me came to light I attempted to bring some source of happiness into his life. This was a success thankfully, a beautiful and smiling ray of sunshine. Unfortunately I have come to hate this new relationship, leading to even more confliction. He deserves to be happy, but I crave his guidance and compassion. This almost primitive feeling of replacement and resentment arises, although I have already accepted him as brother, I don’t understand. Furthermore she’s the pretty girl my mind will never allow me to be. I can’t comprehend her thoughts, how can she be so happy, shallow, blind, loveable… how can she be so simple. Perhaps this is a portion of the problem, part of me longs to be more alike to her while the other resent her simplicity. Who knows, surely not I. What annoys me further is my lack of ability to explain. Trying to word all of this to him in a manner where he sees my true meaning…close to impossible. Such confliction of the mind, I see both sides and debate myself over what’s right, impossible to describe unless it is experienced. Individually I love them both, but together… I'm envious of their blind love. To experience to walk into another trap, too young to find it for real; that middle ground where options are few. Going over these things my own self-loathing increases, multiple opinions allow for one to distance herself from her own actions and analyze actions…locate the source of the problems. But here there are too many all pointing back at the ‘victim’. To cry for help when one is creating her own problems… such weakness. Do I set the one closest to understanding me free? Or continue on ignoring the cries… accepting they are a creation of my own mind. Such conflictions.

My sister tells me my mom hits her when no ones around,
It's her way of expressing how she feels,
My sister was the "surprise" of the family,
And the punching bag to my mother who uses her as an outlet of her inability to understand her daughter,
How can I do something to stop her,
Yet alone say something to stand up for even myself,
I feel like a ****** tiny *** shield that's absolutely useless for protection,
I try to stand up for my sister,
Try to save her from her ever collapsing mind of depression,
While my parents try to invade her mind with religious propaganda,
I feel like a crutch for my sister that's to short but still supports her enough for her to carry on another day,
I don't talk to her about much,
She just needs someone there while she listens to TØP, FOB, BVB, MCR, etc.
While reciting every single verse by heart shaking from the emotion of the songs,
I'm not that brother who sits there and nods my head pretending to listen to bands she's trying to get me to remember,
I'm the brother who would rather remember the names of every band member of every band she trying to get me to remember,
Rather than have her sitting alone in her room having an anxiety attack wondering and thinking about everything,

I might not be as smart as her,
Or even close to understanding her,
But the one thing I get from me being her big brother is when she needs me,
Even if it's for some stupid reason,
There is nothing,
Absolutely nothing that would stop me from being there for her,

Regrets fill my spoon like alphabet soup
spelling out my unfulfillment
with tiny little letters
nagging at my mind

And conflicts own me
except there’s no angel and devil
it’s just lesser evil versus lesser evil
No winner- I’m pulled apart

What if I say this
no- I can’t- too risky
but then I’m miserable
is it better to be miserable?

my daily thoughts
when it didn’t use to be
Tears are more common
than going out to eat

I am ashamed
and also ashamed I feel ashamed
I don’t want to be fragile
but I let myself fall into a crater

And people see it on my face
and I see it in the mirror
the way I once was
all entangled now in another

we don’t choose to fall
that’s the point of falling
it comes out of the blue
after you’re tripped up

And then the hurting comes
always after- like a scraped knee
and they say time will heal it
but how does that work when you keep tripping

a spinning cycle of get hurt, feel bad, tell someone, feel bad
goes on repeat, load never unloaded off my chest
The worst part is letting the hope build up
and getting let down, time and time again

Why? out into the oblivion
we ask ourselves
and How? do we keep moving
when the daily routine feels heavy

I thought my Achilles Heel was the fatal flaw
but really it's my heart, the hope, the love
when conflicts dance around
the only thing to do is write about it

i want to let it go
but it pulls me in
i want to say *******
but i would feel so bad
i want to forget
but i want to remember every detail
i want to go
but i want to stay
i want to feel
but i want to be numb
i want to help
i want to heal
i want to be free
i want to love

It’s interesting, being with You
I have such conflicting feelings
About our relationship

Not between good and bad
But both positive
On one hand, You make me feel so comfortable
Being with You is like laying in a warm bed
Utterly content, and I don’t want to move

But equally powerful is the excitement
I’ve been with you for to years
And we’ve learned volumes
What happens in ten…twenty?
How will You…I…We…change?
I guess that’s what relationships are about
Things shifting and learning
With that one constant
That one comfort
Love

inner thoughts
clouding what needs to be done
outer influences
preventing me from going anywhere
your just perfect
never change
inner thoughts
containing my wants
outer influences
tightening my leash
your just perfect
never change
inner thoughts
never ending
outer influences
dragging me away
your just perfect
never change

I am the first page of a well-loved novel,
But often the first one ignored,
Dog-eared and transparent at the corners
From the touch of one too many hands
And witness to the enterprising twist of a smile
As my readers are privileged to only pieces of me.

You, like the binding that surrounds me,
Enclose and encircle all that I am. Write a novel
Under my skin. I’ve falsified too many smiles,
Sacrificed even the best of myself for ignorant
Delusions of caressing hands
That take and abuse my corners.

The used bookstore on the corner
Of Middlebury Marbleworks, Otter Creek and window-origami —
My salvation and river-penance. Seek my story with hands
That feel to comprehend, with novel
Softness and a tenderness that ignores
My pleading glances and indecisive smiles

As you speak in hush-whispers. Smile
With your eyes as you touch my spine — corner
Me at the exit. I want you to ignore
Faults, make peace with flaws that inhabit me
Like poetry misplaced within a novel,
Or willow branches falling too low, tired hands.

I memorized the shape of your hands
The first time we danced to Chaplin’s “Smile,”
And wrote on the broadness of your shoulders a novel
Of my sins, apologies stretching to your corners
In villanelles — repeating refrains. It took all of me
To tell you what I could no longer ignore.

Because once you start to ignore
Conflictions that exist in the nerve-endings of your hands,
What you feel becomes a burden. For me,
Sand ran out of the hourglass when our smiles
Stopped touching — and at the corner
Of Maple Street and Printer’s Alley, I said goodbye, our novelty

Gone. Still, I find it hard to ignore what used to be when you smile
As you look at her, your hands on her back in the corner
Of the room. You remain my unfinished novel.