found
grounded bird closed in
ribboned-box and buried
underneath a willow snapped back
to finally relax
to decompose and nourish
by the lake in drooping shade
the felled leaves pile
candy wrappers gray snow in
parking lot corners
with pumpkin spice scented candles
with charred letters skirling up
the arm dropped to sizzle and puff out
white beanies
flannels
leather boots and jangly bronze-leafed wind chimes
I sit on the patio and listen to you speak
the chill of your words
perched like a squirrel barking on a fence top
hibernation preparation and breeze
the gospel of your autumn

it’s lovely.

the one feeling that is most foreign to my life
inadequate in every way I can see
using beanies to cover up my flaws the best i can
hiding behind my words like a mask
odds stacked against me in everything i do
and everyone that I have any feelings towards
speaking only when there is no other option
approach me at your own risk and I will hide inside my notebook
cover my face and fall into my own little world
I am not fit to live inside this one

the one feeling that is most foreign to my life
inadequate in every way I can see
using beanies to cover up my flaws the best i can
hiding behind my words like a mask
odds stacked against me in everything i do
and everyone that I have any feelings towards
speaking only when there is no other option
approach me at your own risk and I will hide inside my notebook
cover my face with my hair and fall into my own little world
I am not fit to live inside this one

conversation between day and night

DAY you’re so shadowy dangerous scary

NIGHT and you’re so bright cheerful positive it’s sickening

DAY you’re troubled conflicted disturbed concealing colluding everything in darkness

NIGHT like you don’t have your ***** secrets the difference is you’re in denial pretending everything is sweet pretty perfect

DAY i can’t believe we’re sister and brother

NIGHT not by choice

DAY i’ll never understand why you choose to suffer why you would rather be miserable than joyful

NIGHT you are so phony concerned about how things look instead of how they really feel

DAY i want success i dream of happiness i like being a winner and will fight to achieve my goals

NIGHT listen to you “fight to achieve your goals” you’re obnoxious selfish disgusting corrupt ***** all you know how to do is shine your radiant smile you’re a 1-trick-pony glaring at everything with your fiery rays

DAY and you’re so impossible mercurial moody waxing waning moon all your sick lunacy

NIGHT i love when it rains and clouds shut you out

DAY i hate you



conversation between summer and winter

SUMMER you’re gloomy bitter cold distant

WINTER i wish things were different

SUMMER different how

WINTER i know i’m difficult complicated demanding stuff dies around me freezes up goes away

SUMMER you could change

WINTER change huh (pause) what? become more like you with all your floods forest fires bugs crop failure drought scorching heat

SUMMER perhaps more like spring or autumn milder more agreeable

WINTER you don’t understand

SUMMER explain

WINTER i hurt inside hurt so bad i get numb in a fog then i don’t see feel think right do stupid stuff to upsetting to remember lose myself forget myself

SUMMER that sounds dangerous

WINTER it used to be worse

SUMMER sounds scary

WINTER i’ve been alone for many years it’s had an effect on me

SUMMER you’re more amendable now

WINTER i wish to die

SUMMER that’s not good

WINTER I have my regrets forgive me

SUMMER you’re sad

WINTER teach me help me show me love

SUMMER remember who you are take pride in yourself you’re winter hot chocolate crackling fireplace ice skating hockey snow skiing football scarves mittens beanies boots you’re fun

WINTER you really think so thank you



conversation between democrat and republican

DEMOCRAT you people got us into this mess

REPUBLICAN you people got us into this mess

DEMOCRAT what’s your hand doing in your pocket

REPUBLICAN what’s your hand doing in your pocket

DEMOCRAT who are you to point a finger

REPUBLICAN who are you to point a finger



conversation between life and death

LIFE it’s a gorgeous dawn full of potential

DEATH time is inconsequential

LIFE you’re heartless

DEATH i do what i have to

LIFE you’re a *******

DEATH some think i’m a relief

LIFE you’re a cruel son-of –a-*****

DEATH let me ask you something do you believe in reincarnation destiny fate

LIFE ******* i hate you yes i believe in possibilities i don’t know what i believe i believe in hope

DEATH i apologize

LIFE this existence is difficult from learning how to talk walk to making smart decisions enduring the loss of loved ones suffering one’s own losses but going through all these changes is a valiant challenge attempting to achieve my goals is better than nothing at all

DEATH you honestly believe your mortal existence isn’t a futile pursuit and terrible waste of resources

LIFE yes (pause) nature is miraculous the creatures skies oceans mountains anthropology science love possibilities

DEATH you’re rather funny in a preposterous way not that it matters yet you’re entertaining

LIFE i don’t know i get these feelings like i was chosen like i am living in something much greater than myself words cannot explain

DEATH i wouldn’t know i’m a service i conclude (pause) that’s all (pause) you’re speaking about stuff beyond me

LIFE you mean you know nothing about god or the soul or spirituality nothing about dreams visions longings

DEATH i have no answers just terminal endings

Flip flip slide slide
grind grind pop pop
concentration.

hours and hours
sweat pours
bruised ankles bruised kneecaps
scraped shinbones scraped elbows
scabs and scars.

shirts and jeans torn, worn;
shoes a tattered mess--
laces shredded to bits tied desperately
clinging on to lapping tongues.

hair matted to skull sweating within damp skullcaps,
whether be it helmets (by choice or restriction),
or fitted baseball hats turned backwards,
or cuffed beanies in the dead of winter.
(father says the latter choices work well to soak all the blood up, I always roll my eyes in naivete.)

The paved driveway, where on my eighth birthday
a shining basketball goal sat at its full height
towering in the mountain sky--

stood forlorn in place as wide eyes glued to the pavement--

where shoes stood atop the gritty surface of a wooden board
with wheels attached to gleaming metal axles
rolled smoothly excitedly across the pavement in perpetuity.

destiny.

A rainy day,
an acoustic guitar,
a notebook,
a studio apartment overlooking the city.
"I want to measure my mornings
in spoonfuls of coffee
and my nights in empty cigarette boxes."
I don't remember the name of the poet who wrote that
but it couldn't describe my life
any more accurately.
I want to measure my mornings
in spoonfuls of coffee
and my nights in empty cigarette boxes.
I want to measure my happiness
in rainy days and soft kisses,
poetry,
I want to measure my recovery
in full meals and trash bags full of razors,
in tears shed by my eyes
instead of my skin.
I want to measure my free time
in independent movies
and 4 different kinds of music-
indie,
hard rock,
classic rock,
and pop-punk.
I want to measure my infinities
in starry night skies,
galaxies, constellations,
physics books I got in middle school
and his eyes,
his smile.
I want to measure my victories
in minutes without smoking
and my losses
in blaring headphones
and labyrinths of white smoke.
I want to measure my work ethic
in sick days
and missed bills.
I want to measure my heart
in belly dancing
and ***** converse,
in beanies
and minutes spend holding him.
I want to measure my life
in written chapters
and highlighted smiles
in blue Christmas lights
and TV show references,
in my favourite movies and novels and songs
and my dependence on myself,
in cans of Peace Tea
and Pringles
and not regretting eating,
in pens that help the words flow
and laughs,
smiles,
hugs,
kisses,
and hope that in the future
things will be alright...
More alright than they are now.

Twentysomething Emo
looks at teenage Emo
and laughs.

It was something purely aesthetic,
with brain chemicals churning
and wiry bodies yearning

under the guise of straightened bangs
and perched beanies,

skin tight black outfits
parading the dusty grounds of Warped Tour.

Twentysomething Emo is the real deal--
lamenting over high school salad days
because real life is so unsure,

college degrees and full-time jobs,
watching friends and lovers come and go in our lives.

After a long day of responsibility and groveling,
we drive home (or somewhere just as distant)
with our emo anthems blaring through the speakers.

We scream the songs back at them,
truly feeling the words for the first time.

I'm the same age as William Beckett, Adam Lazzara, and Pete Wentz
when they wrote these songs--
and though the bangs have receded
and the jeans have slackened,

I am perpetually Emo.

The unrequited love and the nearing distant future--
it's come too soon.

I hope thirtysomething Emo looks back
on my meandering twentysomething Emo
and laughs--

as he plays the melancholy tunes pouring out of the speakers
with some more of life fading away in his rearview mirror.

This town gets smaller every day.