my first heartbreak wasn’t a beautiful boy with danger in his eyes and temptation in his smile

the first person to make me doubt my worth wasn’t the impossible girl who ignored me all day and explored my body all night

my first heartbreak was 6 year old me
screaming in the darkest corner under my bed, begging you not to leave me,
finally crawling out to embrace you one last time
in the hopes i would be enough to make you stay

i watched my innocence and any shred of self i’d developed walk out the door with you
my first heartbreak was a man who chose to be my father, choosing to leave

It’s a different pain, rather than an obvious tangible thing
It’s a hopeful longing, longing for something that once was and could never be again
It’s shared traumas
It’s always looking for them in a room
It’s listening out for their voice as they talk in a group of people
It’s short embraces, never staying long enough to really feel the other
It’s knowing each other’s deepest secrets, but too distant to acknowledge it
It’s looking away when you lock eyes because you can’t bear to remember how it felt to communicate with a glance
It’s watching them love someone else
It’s feeling your heart rip out of your chest every time he reaches for her hand
It’s watching that love and putting on a smile
It’s feeling happy for them, hoping they make each other happier than you both could
It’s rage,
confusion,
self-doubt
It’s a constant battle between jealousy and joy
It’s infuriating and intoxicating all in one

It’s loving your best friend

i have loved and i have hated
i have been hurt and i have hurt others

but the way i love you is special,
i love you with hope
with the hope of a beautiful future unmarred by past tragedies

i love you with the intensity of a thousand storms, with no fear and no regrets.

everyday, i choose you and every day i fall more in love with you.

you have made me see that a person can be broken and whole at the same time and still love with their whole heart regardless of the past.

and i think it’s quite beautiful, the way two broken people can fix each other just by loving and trusting and accepting.

you have broken down my walls and shown me what it’s like to love completely, no holding back.

and for that i will be forever thankful to you, no matter where we end up in the future.

she's reluctant to fall because of the scars left on her heart, but my god! when you break her walls down she will show you a love so intense that you will never find another soul like her in your existence.
and let me tell you. you won't want to.

“He had hazel eyes and street smarts” She said, smiling ruefully.

“She had viridescent eyes and a guarded heart” He murmured, his eyes shining

“I was leaving in 6 months and he had a troubled soul” She touched her lips as if remembering a kiss

“She smelled like fantasy and tasted like melon lip gloss” He couldn't take his eyes off his hands

“I think he tried to love me,” She said

“I loved her more than anything in the world,” He said

And it's that word: ‘tried’, that gets caught in her throat. She takes a breath and continues.

As if the memory of her was too much to bear, he got up and walked away.

11:44 PM // do you remember the first time we met? i do.

12:02 AM // i remember the first time we locked eyes like it was yesterday

12:09 AM // i remember the swirl of green and brown all in one mesmerising gaze taunting me like a bad dream

12:57 AM // you were never just a stranger to me, you were never a face that didn’t matter  

1:18 AM // from the moment i laid eyes on you i knew you’d break my heart

1:32 AM // i can't stop thinking about the last time you told me you loved me

1:55 AM // you called me up after weeks of nothing and told me you'd never love anyone like you loved me

2:07 AM // you were saying goodbye, weren't you?

2:50 AM //  i could have forgiven you if it was only a kiss, but you fell in love with her

3:49 AM // i've kissed lots of people since you, but none of them pulled my hair and tasted like fanta

4:27 AM // my god i loved you with everything i had

5:01 AM // it still wasn't enough, was it?

5:55 AM // it was always meant to be her.

“And after you’ve pushed away anyone who cared due to your crippling fear of getting hurt” He sighed and looked straight into her soul “You’ll look in the mirror and realise you’re the only one to blame for the pain inside of you”

"and the worst thing is" her hands shake and she looks at the clock "when its 3pm and i feel the soul crushing loneliness that usually crashes through twelve hours prior."

i. you will forget the way his voice sounds and it will be okay
ii. your mum is your best friend, regardless of who else is there for you at the time.
iii. do not get drunk and call him and tell him you miss him, because he won’t come back.
iv. **** your pride. if you’re wrong, admit it, if you ****** up, apologise. your pride isn’t worth losing someone.
v. school is important, **** it up and make time for studying.
vi. chase after your dreams.
vii. just because he stopped loving you doesn’t mean you should stop loving yourself.
viii. your teachers are on your side. respect them.

it's haunting when the loneliness
that I've fought so hard to keep out
starts creeping through the walls
at 2:54am and the only thing I can do
is create more around this
cold excuse for a heart.

my heart is no longer broken
for I have mended that myself
and you are long forgotten

but something else has gone wrong
something deeper and it doesn't hurt.
in fact, I can't feel anything at all

my soul is broken and I am afraid
nothing can fix that.

They say letting go is easier when you want to.

For 18 months I have wanted you out of my head, heart and soul.

For 18 months I have tortured myself because no matter what I did I couldn't get you out.

For 18 months I have thrown myself into boys, girls, poetry & poison - anything that will take me.

Now here I am 18 months later still wanting to let you go.

And I can only hope that in 18 months
you'll be gone.

no I will never be the same after
loving you.
but I will never be stronger if I don't
let go.

the city lights fascinate me
but the only lights              
i am interested in are the ones
in your eyes

as i wait for the plane to take off
i cant help thinking about all the
strangers, going to the same place
all with a different story.

there could be a man who lost
his son in a plane crash and
it is his first time flying
since.

there could be a woman who
is leaving because this city
is too small for her big ideas and
wild heart.

but there is me, who keeps thinking
the longer i am on this plane the
further i am from you and my heart is
starting to hurt more, the further we fly.

no matter how much he means to you
do not ever take a boy to all
of your favourite places because
when you are walking around your
old city and go to your favourite park
all you will be able to see is him
kissing you under the big fig tree
or his arms wrapping around your waist
by the pond where the ducks feed
and it will no longer be your favourite park
and he will have ruined yet another thing
that was so special to you.

I smell of stale cigarettes
and my makeup is always off
and I can't stop listening
to sad songs that remind me of you
and people say to me
'get over him he isn't worth it'
but I know that every
single second spent with you
were the most precious because
even if we did nothing but stole kisses
and held hands under the blanket
it was still a successful day
because you were my poison and
my cure. you broke me and fixed me
all at the same time.

for some reason
I can't stop searching the faces
of all strangers that pass me
in hopes that I might
possibly find you in this
empty, godforsaken city

i’ve got an itching to create
more and more scars across
my wrist
thighs,
hips,
but i have to hold back because
i cannot achieve greatness by
hurting myself and loathing myself

i’ve learnt to love myself but we all
have our horrid moments at 4:52am
thinking of how it all was and how we
don’t know how it all will be.

YOU LOOK SO GOOD IN SKINNY JEANS 
YOU ALSO LOOK GOOD WITH YOUR    
HANDS AROUND MY WAIST                       
AND TONGUE IN MY MOUTH                   

s.w

you were a poisonous boy
who fed off girls innocence
and once you’d fed, you spit
them back out stripped of all
innocence and esteem and
let them out into the world
broken, battered and bruised.
just like you did me.

s.w

I'm always so cold
if I could just kiss you
one last time, I know
that the fire inside of me
will be ignited so bright
that it'll burn for the world

s.w

WHY ARENT I OVER YOU ITS BEEN TWO ******* YEARS
YOU DONT EVEN TALK TO ME ANYMORE                                
YOU DONT EVEN ******* CARE ABOUT ME                          

YOU MADE THAT CLEAR WHEN YOU DECIDED DRUGS WERE
SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING THERE FOR ME    
YOU MADE IT CLEAR WHEN YOU HAD YOUR                              
TONGUE DOWN HER MOTHER ******* THROAT                    

SO WHY THE **** DO I STILL CARE FOR YOU                                
AND THINK OF YOU WHEN YOU PROBABLY HAVENT                  
THOUGHT OF ME SINCE I LOOKED YOU IN THE EYES                      
AND TOLD YOU I NEEDED YOU

AND YOU WALKED AWAY

S.W

i believe we were meant to fall in love
the way a hurricane is meant for destruction
or the way rain crashes down mid-winter

we were meant to destroy each other
the way two young hearts do when
they collide with the force of destiny

S.W

i loved him
he loved me
but when there is 700 miles
between two teenage hearts
sometimes love is not
nearly enough.

s.w

I REMEMBER THE *** BRUISES AND I REMEMBER THE WAY YOU’D
NUZZLE MY NECK WHEN YOU WANTED ME TO TOUCH YOU AND I STILL REMEMBER THE WAY YOU’D QUIVER FROM MY TOUCH BUTNOW YOU DONT QUIVER YOU DONT NUZZLE AND YOU DEFINITELY

DONT ******* CARE.

i still remember the bruises left on my hips
from you holding me so tightly as we
made stupid, hopeless love and i
still have the bruises left on my heart          
from our stupid, hopeless love.

S.W

I AM SO ******* ANGRY.
ITS YOUR FAULT I LOST
MY COMPASSION.

AND ITS YOUR FAULT
I SHUT MYSELF OFF
FROM THE WORLD

BUT ITS ALSO

YOUR FAULT THAT I BECOME
THE MOST PASSIONATE PERSON
WHEN I THINK OF YOU AND WHEN

I AM NEAR YOU BUT MY DEAR
THE PROBLEM IS I AM NEAR
YOU TOO LITTLE AND THINK

ABOUT YOU TOO MUCH.

You’re going to meet someone and he’s going to look at you the way you’ve longed to be looked at your whole life, he’s going to be kind and gentle. He might wink at you when you first meet or he might flash a shy smile as he walks away. Either way he will soon become the light of your life. He will make you laugh louder and smile wider. He’s going to stay over at your house and bond with your mum and ask you why your dad isn’t around. He’ll wrap his arms around your torso in the moonlight and whisper little secrets that only you know. He’ll ignite a fire in you that you didn’t even know existed. He’s going to take you on date to the beach when its 10 degrees and give you his jumper that smells of him. He will reassure you every thing will be okay. He’ll tell you he loves you for the first time and you’ll be able to hear your heart in your throat as you tell him you love him. He’ll see your body and kiss every inch of it. He will make love to you, again & again. He might be your first love or your third or fourth. He will be an important part of your life and you’ll want it to last forever.

But, he will also make you as frustrated at 4 in the morning when he is drunk and won’t stop calling you. Even more so when it’s the 3rd time that week. He’ll stat withdrawing from you, telling you he’s busy, with work or school. He’ll decide that its time you took a break because he can’t commit to you anymore. Might even start seeing someone else. Then he’ll call you for the 4th time that week and tell you that he still loves you and think he might always love you. You’ll believe him and go and meet him and kiss him until the sun rises. His calls will get less frequent, his kisses less passionate. It’s no longer making love. it’s just *******. You’ll be stuck wondering what you did wrong. And he’ll be hating himself because his pathological fear of commitment made him **** up the best thing that ever happened to him. He’ll tell you he still wants to be friends and you’ll agree because it’s better than nothing. And you’ll be sat two years later pining over the boy who took your breath away while simultaneously filling you with life.

I wonder if you think of me
I wonder if your friends told you I say hi
I wonder if after they did you remembered

I hope you did, I hope you remembered
that I gave you every single piece of me
and you only gave me a part of you
because you were afraid,

you were afraid that I'd break your heart
but little did we both know, you broke mine,
but I don't think it gives the way I feel any justice,

you completely smashed my heart
into pieces so tiny that I haven't been able to
find any of them and it's been two years.

i think you're hiding them, because
everywhere I look I can't seem to find them.
I know where your part of you is.
it's buried into my pores, into my mind, my soul.
that even though it was minuscule it'll be there forever.

because I promised you id always care
and that I wouldn't break your heart
but darling, what we know now
is that it was never really
mine to break.

S.W

i hate that i never cracked the surface of you
but you, oh you
you destroyed my surface and all of my insides

WHAT THE **** CHANGED                              
WHY DIDNT IT WORK                                              
WHY DONT I EXIST TO YOU                                    
WHEN YOU EXIST IN EVERY                                  
******* THING IN THIS                                    
STUPID ******* WORLD                                    
I SEE YOU EVERYWHERE                                    
I SEE YOU IN THE ******* SKY                      
WHEN IM SMOKING LONELY CIGARETTES
AT 4 IN THE MORNING                                      
I SEE YOU IN THE STRANGERS THAT              
WALK PAST WITH BLANK FACES                      
BUT WHAT HURTS THE MOST IS THAT          
I CANT EVER SEE YOU AGAIN.    
                      
S.W

for some people can speak oceans of meaningful words
but for me i find it near impossible to tell someone        
how i feel, so i hope you know that
when i whispered into your neck                  
i love you                                                              ­                    
that it was the hardest thing to do and            
they were the most true words
that have ever left my mouth.                            
and they always will be.                                                                                                           

S.W

today i learnt i can’t say a bad thing about you.
i couldn’t say out loud that you broke my heart,
that you’re a ******* ******* and i hate you
i can’t tell anyone how much it hurts to see your name
all i can say is that i loved you with all my heart
and that we’re not together anymore because
it just wasn’t enough.

S.W

it was fast and it was rocky                              
and it was the most passionate thing            
i’d ever experienced in my whole entire life
and i haven’t felt as alive as i did when i was
with you, and i haven’t felt since i was with
you.

S.W

i knew you were dangerous
but i'd never wanted to be    
in danger more than the
very moment i saw you.

S.W

ITS BEEN TWO YEARS
AND IM STILL PINING OVER A BOY
WHO IS GOOD WITH WORDS
AND HIS TONGUE.

S.W

its your birthday today,
and there is so much
i want to say to you
but there is only so little
i can put into words
because i can’t speak
when it comes to you
i can’t think straight
i can only think of
the beating of your heart
the day you fell asleep
on me, or the feeling of
my hand in yours.  
all i can say right now
is happy birthday.
i wish you stayed.

S.W

I’m losing myself
i lost myself
im lost
find me.

S.W

nights like these when
I want to drown my sorrows
in copious amounts
of *****
but I also want to drown myself
in copious amounts
of you.

S.W.

i’d sworn i’d forgotten you
but they asked about you
a week ago
and for the past 604,800 seconds
you’ve been in every
corner of my mind
all over again

S.W

they asked
“do you miss him”
and I thought no
i don’t miss him

but i miss the
feel of his skin
on mine and his
hands tracing

each and every inch
of me, burning the
memory of him
into my mind

and the way his
eyes would light up
whenever he saw me
and the way

he’d kiss me to take
away all the pain inside
so when people do
ask me

“do you miss him”
i think about it
and in the end
i know i’ll never

stop  

             missing

                              him.

S.W

I hate knowing that
every part of me
has been tainted
by you

and that nobody
could ever burn
the memory of them
into me

the way you burnt
yourself into my
head into my body
into my entire being.

S.W

I can't stop thinking
about the next time
I see your face

I can rehearse
and rehearse
what I'll do
what I'll say

but all I'll know
is that you
didn't
stay.
S.W

it's 6:56am and I can't stop thinking
about the way you held me
at 6:56am on January 25th
and how complete I felt
with your arms around
me and my heart
in your hands

but now it's 6:58am
and I can't stop thinking
about the way you crushed
my heart on March 4th
and how lost I felt with
no arms around me
and my heart still
in your hands
S.W

i once broke a glass table top
i watched all the pieces scatter
as i stood in shock with
blood dripping down my hands

and i think thats how a heart breaks
the pieces scatter and you find
yourself stood in shock with
blood dripping down your
hands.
S.W

you’re 10534 miles
away
except you know
10 more things
about me than
anyone else
i’ve ever met.

you make me laugh
5 times louder
than all
of those around
me

and if you add
34 + 34 + 34
that makes 102
and thats how many
days until you’re
0 miles away.

S.W

i wrote about you again,
hell, I’m even doing it
right now, because
for some reason,

I can’t get rid of you
you’re inside the deepest
corners of my heart
and i cannot get
and do not

want you out.
S.W