She was a ghost
floating through rooms
listening to people's stories
She noticed everything
while
They noticed nothing

I don’t believe in God
I don’t believe there’s a life after this one
I don’t believe there’s a white tunnel that leads our souls from our bodies to Heaven

And yet
in my darkest moments
when I feel the most alone
I reach out
and
I pray

To whom?
I’m not sure
maybe my Nana
or my best friend
or maybe even God

A part of me just hopes you can hear me
A part of me thinks that you can’t
A part of me can’t fathom you being gone
A part of me knows that you are

But I don’t believe in an afterlife
at least not for me

And isn’t that ****** up?
That I hope you’re in Heaven
when I don’t believe it exists

Or maybe
I just don’t think
I deserve to go there.

There is nothing more heartbreaking
than the feeling of
comfortable silence
growing into
uncomfortable silence
into
silence being the only thing you know.

I have a hard time
opening up to people

Emotions terrify me

It’s like I’m on a rollercoaster
just waiting for the drop

I feel out of control

So
instead I bottle things up
I never talk about myself
or how I feel
I help other people with their problems

So I don’t have to deal with my own.

Freedom
is the ultimate form of
responsibility
because we have
no one else to blame
for our choices
but us

I have never really been good at math
but I do know this
1+1=2

That a 1 can stand on its own
but the other 1
makes it just slightly better

And that’s how I think relationships should be

I’m not looking for someone to complete me,
I am looking for someone to add to me.

I don’t blame you

I don’t blame you for being insecure
I don’t blame you for falling in love with someone incapable of loving you in return
I don’t even blame you for projecting your problems onto me
I understand that sometimes it’s easier to blame
our mistakes
our problems
on the people closest to us
I don’t blame you

I don’t blame you for our friendship falling apart
I don’t blame you for blocking me on every social media imaginable
I don’t even blame you for not speaking to me
I understand that we just weren’t
good
suitable  
for each other anymore
I don’t blame you

But I do blame you

I blame you for insulting me behind my back
I blame you for not being there when I needed you
I blame you for thinking you were the only protagonist in this story
and I was just a side character

I wish you knew how much I miss you
I wish you knew that for some
sick
twisted
insane
reason I don’t hate you
I wish you knew that I would still give you the shirt off my back
if shivers racked your body
Travel across the country
if you need something as simple as a hug
Cut my own heart out
if yours was broken

But I blame you

I blame you
Because I understand
and I wish this wasn’t the case
That you wouldn’t do the same

So,
I blame you