I need Autumn to come so desperately,
I'm pleading towards it for some clarity.
I need it's calm to chill my bones,
I need it's time to claim as my own.
To see if I have really grown,
In the direction I once called home.
It once was something I knew so well
a security in something I could foretell,
The throbbing of the ocean's swell
those memories, they still surely dwell.
That wave of warmth that filled my heart
still lingers there from the start,
While even now as life restarts
that wave of warmth, it does impart.
Is this a fever that I can't shake?
or is it something that shouldn't break,
But rather help me finally awake
and see it's true meaning to take.
With this though comes some clarity
it's not something that comes so easily,
Time takes time so we can see
so Autumn please come and heal me.

I am a boomerang.
             You throw me out into a blur,
             of unanswered questions that reoccur.
             No matter though, I turn around,
             and come back to that unsteady ground.
I am the song you sang.
             The one that got stuck in your head,
             that you hummed softly as you went to bed.
             From time to time though, forgot it,
             the words would gradually lose their pitch.
I am that scarf you hang
             The one so easily covered,
             that suspended there amongst the others.
             They cater to your separate needs,
             since weather changes so drastically
             from summer to winter or in-between.


I’m now an overhang
             I see above everything,
             and the waste of time it all did bring.
             The cloud that loomed over my mind, (is gone)
             can’t bring you back around this time.


I’ll no longer be the blood on your fangs,
I’ll no longer be your boomerang.

The rush you get stepping on autumn leaves,
the crushing and crinkling below your feet.
            These thoughts they submerged me
as I found one on my car early this morning,
soaked in on my windshield from days of soaring.
Laid there surrounded by pebbles of rain,
and left me thinking the way life is strange.
One moment we’re lifted through tree limbs and air,
carried by the breeze, feeling weightless up there.
But how that same breeze can lead us astray,
and plant us on windshields just to be whipped away.

Try pushing past it
We're just creatures of habit
Things still stay the same

It’s strange to think we fear the darkness
when we are younger,
A form of innocence that we harnessed
I’d much rather prefer.
Now that sounds crazy but hear me out
it’s something that you’ll see,
When innocence is gone you’ll come about
to find it hides in me.
That same darkness resides in you
I dread it’s greater than,
The darkness wrapped around your room
that you feared at age ten.
It’s something that grew inside your mind
and clung to your rib cage,
With every breath you come to find
the wars inside you wage.
It hides in every crevice and corner
bound to your bone marrow,
It tears apart your soul and worse
sometimes it even shows.
So I’d prefer those simpler days
with light came faith and trust,
The flick of a switch can’t keep at bay
the darkness inside all of us.

Thoughts race through my mind
But I focus past their blurs
To find you're still here

I can hear your voice
And still feel your warmth but there's
miles between us

It’s unnerving how powerful things under the surface are,
things all people share
but communicate only through pursed lips about.
I am continually blurred with thoughts
that flow through my mind.
It’s like I’m running
and not knowing what for
or why.
And when I am
where will I be then?
Maybe there is no destination,
only a constant motion
of running thoughts
that can only be seen as vacant vessels.
With cargo that we can’t label,
understanding that we’re unable
to know of it’s true end,
if any.
But then I feel someone around me,
like I’m having a conversation
with a ghost or a memory.
Who are you?
What do you want?
Do you have the answer
to all these drifting thoughts?
It’s like talking to someone
but not knowing their response.
Maybe these are questions
not meant to be answered.
But how can I guide myself
without a sense of direction.
I guess this is what people mean
when they say life’s unpredictable.
Our thoughts are unpredictable.
We are shaped by them,
what we think we become
and without knowing their meaning
can create or destroy.
It’s unnerving how powerful things under the surface are.

I see you today
So I woke up with the sun
Waiting patiently

It's 4 am love
Close your eyes, go back to sleep
I'll protect you now

I first fell in love on a ferris wheel
in the brisk cool breeze,
A cinematic night that felt so surreal
a lover's flying trapeze.
And when we fell, we fell forever
entwined with each other,
Onto the sandy beach whispering
"You'll always be my lover."
I felt your touch before I saw you
embracing all of me,
And now I found what I always knew
a place where I can breathe.
With the years that have passed us by
I know that I still feel,
The same I did that night with you
found love on a ferris wheel.

That golden sunrise
against the summer horizon,
Bursting through the purest of sky blues
calming and secure,
was easy to get lost in.
Like the shades in your eyes that day,
a whole spectrum.
An entire world in your depths,
filled with seas and landscapes.
Where I wish to scale it's mountains
and deep dive it's oceans.
And then I catch myself swimming.
Swimming towards an indigo.
Your indigo.
I was getting lost in it's twilight,
Like a super nova from an exploded star.
A color that wakes up all of my sense
you brushed upon my lips,
Painting in shades that the world envies to create.
It just lingered there,
absorbing into my skin
coloring every word I say.
Swirling in a mist,
a color that orbits over me now.

It's hard to notice
When one part leaves another
The mind is tricky

There was a hole inside my soul
until that day I met you,
Fate flowed from my heart
and all of a sudden I just knew.
Every moment after that
was filled with breathless love,
Your laugh and smiling eyes
are what my soul is made of.
I couldn't begin to tell you
of all the times I died,
But the first time that we met
was the first I felt alive.
You woke me up all at once
opened wide with eyes so clear,
I never thought the day would come
that I would loose all fear.
But that was long ago and I've
died so much since then
There is a hole inside my soul
only you can mend.

In the last days of summer
you were my lover,
my life’s detour.

In the last moments I saw you,
I didn’t know who
I had turned into.

In the last month spent in my room,
in this locked up tomb,
I’ve tried to move through this life without you,
this life without you.

Everything,
it happens for a reason.
I'll keep telling myself that
with the change of the seasons.
And I won't move from the top of this mountain,
until I'm repaired.
Where I will begin
the slow formation
of a new constellation.

You are a distant dream
that when in thought,
twists my stomach into knots.
     I can still see your eyes
     as they twinkled at night,
     under the sky's starlight.
     And still feel your skin
     brushed up against mine,
     as we laid together entwined.

You are a deafening scream
that brings a shock,
to everything I had forgot.
     I can still hear your voice
     and the love it rejoiced,
     while I still had a choice.
     And still smell your scent
     on the last day we left,
     with an old life to reinvent.

You are a distant sea
that kisses the shores
I rest upon no more.
     I can still taste the air
     and the grapes we had shared,
     when the summer was bare.
     And still it all swells
     whispering of it's tales,
     as I struggle these spells.

You are a distant dream
who always returns to me
and robs me of my sleep,
while I try to break free
and come at peace
with all of the love that once loved me.

It has been one week
But the days pass by like months
And I'm left waiting

I had a dream last night that we
ran away from the world and hid,
Up in the sky just to be free
lost ourselves in the starry grid.
You should have seen all the flashing lights
of the city line below our feet,
As the breeze carried us in flight
with your hands pressed close to me.
And I never wanted to come down
we could spend our whole lives in it,
As the rest chased pavement on the ground
while our hearts flew in orbit.

Sometimes
the places we didn't go,
are just as important
as the ones we chose.

It rained the whole time when you were away,
not all the time but at least once a day.
Rain drops made quick bubbles as they hit the ground,
small short lived air pockets I was surrounded around.
While others cascaded along the windows,
guided by air that softly would blow.

The tick tacking and pidder padding,
The smell of the breeze and it's cleansing.

The rain is an unspoken season of it's own,
some play outside while others hide at home.
More often than summer, it comes and it goes,
evoking emotions like the winter's snow.
Yet still helps the withered, all dried up and cracked,
but can't save the dead in hopes to bring back.

And that brings us back to where I'm sitting at,
without you around it feels more like an attack.
Attacking the loneliness and memories of,
The joy we had found from the rain falling above..

..But you're not around and then, only then
Does the rain take the shape of a foe,                        no longer a friend.
With you I found joy when it poured from the sky,
but now I'm alone and would rather stay inside.

All that I am
is driftwood for the sea,
It engulfs me,
it engulfs me so easily.
This disease
is thicker then the woods,
It surrounds me,
it surrounds me for good.

All that I am
is cold cracked skin and bones,
It enfolds me,
it enfolds me all alone.
This room
settles harder than the cold ground,
It suffocates me,
it suffocates me until there's no sound.

                                                         ­         There's strength in a faith that is blind
                                                           ­         and I'd go blind for you,
                                                            ­          There's soil for these roots to anchor us
                                                              ­           if we just hold on through.

My throat becomes soar
I ache throughout my body
My taste buds are dead

I've had fingerprints
from birth left on my soul that
match yours perfectly.

I want to be a long gust of wind
that picks you up off your feet
and keeps you [there]
Aimlessly floating around
and never coming down from that rush
that brought you [there]
Sometimes though, it also brings a feeling
the pressure of the ocean floor
collapsing into your heart
stopping it [there]
It's only for an intense second
enough that you loose your breath and know it's weight
that grounds a feeling [there]
Because even in our minds
we still feel the gravity
as it pulls us down from [there]
But then I'll come around again
like a ship pouring from your chest
that guides you back [there]
Aimlessly floating around
in a cosmic cave of bursting nebulas
that keep you [there]

The world never waits
Its always spinning, even
if your own world stops

I've been fighting with myself for so long
I know that you need the let things go
because you cant control eveything
And why would you want to control something
if it doesn't exist under any other condition?
But I want to fight for you.
I feel like I've given up so much in my life
I just beat myself down,
convincing myself that I deserve it.
I close off and let everything crumble around me,
I give up so quickly.
Focusing on wanting to make others happy
at whatever cost that may be,
even unto myself.
I've grown tired to the taste of the imagine I create
"Caring about someone means letting them go."
Why is that the saying?
I understand people need space and time to grow
but why does it have to be done in that manner.
What if I fight for you?
What if you don't know what you want, what you need
and it turns out to actually be me,
and I'm just letting you go when I shouldn't be
all because it means I "care."
Maybe this is something that should be fought for
and not so readily given up.
I've been told all is fair in love and war
so why do we fight so many battles to then so easily give up that war,
Hoping that in honor of our struggles,
sometime down the road
they will return.
This makes no sense.
I've already suited up for combat and readied my gear
I'm hitting the point where I'd rather fight the war and die
then retreat and wait.
I've done that for mostly my whole life.
Now I've found Something
Someone
worth fighting that fight for
And this time I won't give up.