It's really hard having these feelings
And being in your own way
Stopping yourself from knowing
Doing
Being.
It's debilitating
Wandering helplessly trying to find the way around the back
Trying to find how to sneak up on yourself and whack yourself across the back of the head
Escape
Seek freedom to feel however you want
Do whatever you want.
My day dreams need to become reality
They can be
I'm not asking a lot
But I get in front of myself and I talk myself onto a ledge
Convince myself that choosing to have what I want is dangerous and full of irreversible consequence
That stepping over the line is stepping over the edge of the building
The end of my world reaching towards me
Getting closer as I fall towards cold pavement

Stop.

Lift yourself up
Dust yourself off
Fix your hair and put on your mascara
Take on the world.
Get your dream
He's probably sitting in a coffee shop
Probably out somewhere carrying his camera
Hopefully he's sitting at that spot you just found at the park
He's got his sunglasses on
Holding his guitar
Cuffed jeans
Waiting.

I have no thirst that needs quenching
No want for the flavor,
It's really quite putrid
I drink only to achieve a certain state
Of groggy, giddy happiness
Carefree
With low inhibitions and
High hopes
That burning in my throat that I quell with more acid
That **** is toxic
The feeling is destroying me

Come get high up
With me

Try to die again
And from heaven
I can lay down
to finally rest my head

I'm melted by your touch
It haunts me as I run
And nothing slows me down
I run until I fly

Come get high up
With me

Last time it was different
I thought I was in love
With him
I thought that he was the reason the world stayed spinning and my heart kept beating
But it wasn't him
It was what we did together that I loved
I was in love with the music
Enamored by the sunshine
But not by his eyes
Not by the way he held me
I only loved the idea of him

This time it's different
I know I am in love
Every time I see him my heart stops for a second
I can't believe how lucky I am to know him
He holds me so closely, so tightly
I feel loved
The way he smiles
As wide as he can, with his beautiful white teeth
It makes me wish the whole world could see his smile
It makes me want to make him happy every day of his life.
This time the silences aren't awkward
He knows what hurts me and what makes me laugh
He wants me to be happy
His eyes are open and honest,
Yellow-green like a cat's
He is playful and strange and fun like a kitten
But strong like a bear
He snores so loud but is so innocent when he sleeps
He holds me to his body
He keeps me warm
He runs his soft hands on my stomach even while he sleeps
It makes me wish I could have him next to me every night
He kisses me with determination
He bites my lip as if he can't get enough of me
And I can't get enough of him.
He doesn't realize his beauty
His messy hair
The curls twisting around his head, around his ears
His perfect eyebrows sitting kindly and friendly on his face
I love holding him and I love when he holds me
This time, I know I am in love with him

The autumn leaves
Falling around me like rain
Like snow
Like the changing seasons and the changing tides inside my mind
They make me want to dance
They make me want to run through piles of leaflets bathed in words from the heart,
Love songs written in a flourish as if the world was ending
As if the ground was ablaze, ready to engulf me and char the pages on the ground

The leaves crunch in the most beautiful symphony
Composed by some entity of genius
They lie on the ground in all their colorful splendor
And they humbly rest
Waiting for the snow to fall
For the winter wind to freeze them and carry them away

Secrets and whispers linger in the shadows

I want to see him
I want him to see me
I want to run into him one day accidentally and i want him to look at me and recognize me
I want to see the look in his eyes
I want to see his reaction when he realizes what he lost
What he destroyed
I want him to regret

It's soft and it's sinking
Like that feeling in your gut before your lips brush
Or your hands touch

It's that feeling you get when the wind caresses you
Or when it rips through your hair
Relieving your mind and ridding your soul of pain

The fear you feel when you fall
Is nothing compared to the emptiness of the blue velvet sky
The never ending darkness stretches on

It's when your mind travels so far you can't find where you began

It's the fear of looking back

It's the solemn song of trees
As the angels' tears fall

It's the booming voices calling out
And the crashing of dreams as they are thrown away

It's the rush of everything spiraling out of control

It's the silence
The still
The calm after the storm
The caress of the water as I drift off to sleep

The blue velvet

Underneath the stained tree sits the man who is claimed "free"
By those below
By those above
Out of hate
And out of dove
"**** hippies"
Peace signs in Babylon
The "unspoken language"
The solution to all the Man's problems
******* and a clenched fist
(I'll give you ONE finger and a clenched fist)

Words don't mean anything anymore
They are as insignificant as each breath that you take
They mean nothing
Nothing.

You meant everything to me
Your words used to be my life
So beautiful
So true
But now
Now they fall on closed ears.
Your tongue hesitates to spit them out
You fights to steal them back before you make another mistake
At least someone cares for you

Grab your lighter and a pack of answers and run
To the edge of the white trash town we sleep in
Light one after the other and wait
Wait for me to come running or for the answers to start flowing or for God to reveal himself
I never do.
They never come.
He never does.
Draw in some more poison and spit that poison right back out at me.
In
Inhale the smoke
Damage the one ally you still have
The only thing keeping you alive
Out
Exhale the ******* that you wish you could say to yourself
But you're a coward.
That's alright
I understand
I've always understood
But your words had always made staying worth it
Not anymore
Bull-*******-****.
I've contemplated running
Hell I've even tried
But you look at me with those deep, deep blues and I stay
I stay right where I'm standing and I stare
I try to read those eyes
I can see it
The betrayal
You know your tongue has betrayed you
That ******* *****
But you won't admit to anything
Your tongue won't allow it
Your mouth only finds the strength to form around a cigarette
Burn out the life in you
Force yourself to cave
Collapse
Sacrifice for all the things you've said
For all the hurt you know I feel.
You bring me down and I bring you down
I hold you up and you, without knowing it, hold me up
The constant cycle intertwines us
I can't leave
How could I leave?
I won't and you know it
And so your words mean nothing.

My eyes are open
I see white
White everywhere
My dress is white
My shoes are white
The sheets on the bed
White
But I feel like a different color
I feel red
Red for pain
Red for bloodshed
Red for love
Red for passion
I feel weak yet strong
Red
I look down as I walk
I am ashamed
I keep my head down
No one can see into me now
My secrets are safe
I stop walking
The end of my journey is here
The beginning of a new one is a step away
I take that step and look up
I see his face
His beautiful, scarred face
What happened to him?
Where did he get those scars?
I look back down
I see my flowing white dress
I see his black tuxedo
We are opposites
In every way
My hands are warm and sticky
I look back down and see blood
Red blood
All over my hands
What's happening?!  
I look in front of me
Gone
Fallen
Lying on the ground
I feel panic
Chaos
Adrenaline
Fear
Red
I close my eyes and wish to wake up from this nightmare
I close them tightly
I refuse to open them until I am safe
Back to where I was
Where he was sitting next to me on the way home
Perfectly alive
Laughing and smiling
This place is peaceful
My reality
I feel a jolt
A shock runs through my body
My eyes focus
I feel heavy
Yet full of life
I want to wake up
And see him there
Am I ready?
My eyes flutter open
I see white
Bright lights in my face
Freedom
The nightmare is gone
I feel something in my hand
I look to see what it is
He is holding my hand
Keeping me grounded
Keeping me safe
I look up to his face and begin to cry
He sees me and kisses me for a lifetime
As if we have been apart for ages
I feel his joy
I am alive
Grateful
Pure
White

Reflections of lights on the restless water
Mirroring the yearning in our souls
Nomads bobbing on the surface
Optimistic but never quite satisfied
Thinking ahead but incapable of dwelling in the present

Rolex rendered
Role extended in a ****** up world
Upside down
Raise the roof
Rock the boat
Cause a scene, I'm begging you
Reverse the morals of moguls and the lessons on possessions
Preach the truth, not the gospel
Under God's spell
Teetering on the edge of ignorance and turning a blind eye
It's as if the world is drunk and is walking the line
The line
A fine line
A fine line and we're drunk on the cheap wine they've been pouring down our throats
Get us drunk and manipulate us
Intending to **** with our minds and coax us to their side
Their side of the line
That ******* line
Between the morally correct and the morally punishable
Go to Hell!
The line that's drawn in the sand and about to be stepped over
Be the one to step over
Erase the line
Create new ones and cross them too
Continue crossing lines until the world wakes up
Make noise
Wake up the sleeping, blinding, head-in-the-sand world
Make an impression
Leave your name written on every corner of the globe
Shake hands and kiss babies
Be the modern Jesus

Dark and looming

Symphonies creeping

My night cascading over my body

My day retreating from my heart

The warmth, with each breath, escapes me screaming

The tingling cold sets in quickly

Before my mind realizes

Before I can adapt

Completely immersed in a warm chill

A comforting darkness with only loneliness to keep me company

My thoughts are swarming and swirling around me

Protruding from every crack and chasm in my soul

Swiftly filling the spaces

Filling to the brim and I burst

Overflowing with a lust for wander

Full of wonder

I laid down
He laid next to me.  
My face was in the pillow but I knew he was facing me.
I told him he was stupid
He told me I was more stupid
We battled like this
With raspy voices
Windpipes drenched in alcohol
The lingering aftermath of **** in his lungs
I could hear it in his voice.
That rasp was the most beautiful sound to me
In that moment and in every dream I've ever had of that moment.
I just never thought it would be him.

Our battle drifted off as he fell asleep
His last words were uttered in a raspy daze
"You're an idiot..."
And with that he put his arm around me, resting his hand on my arm.  
I felt warm
Cradled in the most complicated and innocent moment I've ever experienced.

I didn't fall asleep that night

Bare skin
Naked and cold
Vulnerable

Body covered
Clothed and warm
Strong

Our clothes are walls
They are the barriers that shield us from the outside world
As long as we have our clothes on, the world can't truly see us
They hide our imperfections
Our insecurities
Our weaknesses
But in all truth
Clothes are our weakness
It takes a great deal of strength to reveal ones self to any outsider
Away from the safety of our own mirrors
We subject ourselves to another person's critical eye
Their insensitive scrutiny
And under this inspection
We stand
We stand and take it
Strength in its rawest form
In nakedness

Once we shed our clothing, we let someone else inside the walls
We submit to
Love
Trust and
Pain

Sinking and sparkling // soothing
Beneath such a glinting eye
Pulling and falling with every crushing blunder
Under the thunder
Resisting // whispering
Seemingly screaming loudly in the silence
Does it make a noise if no one is there?
Carefully clashing while crestfallenly caressing
The limit // the highest and the lowest
The crest lulls // the crescent pulls
Pushing to the edge
Tug of war is an act of much more
When there's nowhere and everywhere to fall.

His lips graze the microphone and I wonder
What it would feel like to be there instead
His whispers grazing my cheek
Searching for my lips with a silent song

His hands hold his guitar upright and proud
His fingers pluck the strings with careful determination
Creating ripples in my universe
And I shiver as the thought hits me
His hands around me like I am his beloved instrument

His voice sails through the wind until it reaches my ears
It warms me
Immersing me in melodic comfort
I think about what it would be like to be his muse
To be the reason he sings

I think about how lucky I would be
About how much he deserves better than me

The music is what changed me.

The music didn’t just dance in my ears

It pulsed through my veins

It ran with my blood and took me to the sky

The bass didn’t just shake the car

It rattled my bones

It vibrated in my chest and jumpstarted my heart

It helped me to live again.

Sitting
Staring at the night sky
Drinking straight from the bottle because my sorrows are impatient
Another night in
Lonely and dark
My mind wanders
Thoughts of the universe and the insignificance of my presence
One bottle down
I gaze inside hoping to find the answer
What next?
I reach for another bottle and pop it open
All I want now is to fade away
Drift off and pretend I'm happy
I drink
And I drink
And I drink
Until not one drop remains
All in my system
Just the way I like it
And I sink
I wash away and I drift
Into the real world

I thought I saw you the other day
I thought that the burning feeling on the back of my neck was your stare
Watching from a seat in the Starbucks across the street

I thought I missed you the other day
I was cold and
I thought that I could just reach for you and you would be there
To hold me against your body tightly

I thought I was fine the other day
But I did see you and
I thought back to the days when you would hold my hand
When you would pull me closer

I thought I was happy the other day
Finally
The sun was shining and it hadn't rained in days
I thought I was free
But I saw you and I thought...

Trapped in a box
Walls closing in fast
Water lapping at your ankles
Air growing thin.
You punch the glass
Your hands crash into the walls
But nothing happens
No escape
She is standing
Watching as you panic
Enjoying every second of your agony.
You close your eyes
Focus
This is all a dream
This isn't really happening
You try one more time
You pound on the glass desperately
You kick and hit and throw your body into the walls.
A small crack
It's faint but you hear it
The water is almost at your shoulders
You hit the cracked area so hard
Over and over
Until the water sprays out
And the force of the water explodes the box
And you are carried by the river.
Freedom
It feels good to breathe
Your lungs are screaming
Begging.
One last gasp
You climb to your feet and run
You run down the hall
Not knowing where you are going.
The last thing you remember is his face
Oh his face
His eyes
They are like water
But the kind of water that swallows you
And cradles you
But throws you with the waves
Because you can handle it
Because you are strong
You are brave

I don't know if I'm ready
To lay down my guns and
Declare a truce

I don't know if I'm ready
To open the door for you and
Let you inside the walls

I don't know if I'm ready
For anything other than self-sufficiency

I don't know if I'm ready
To hear that not being ready isn't good enough and
That waiting isn't worth it anymore

Water is a blanket for the drowning
A comfort while you sink
It cradles you to sleep
Your eyes fall closed
Your mind drifts away with the waves
The light burns your eyes
As you slowly awake
White everywhere
A heavenly cliche
A light and the beginning of the tunnel
The start of a new life
His presence
Warm and loving
Forgiving
He lifts you up and takes you with him
He saves you from the wreck

There is a constant battle between head and heart
On one hand, they are so far apart, like the sun and the moon, that their perspectives oppose each other
Conflict.
But every once in a while, the sun and the moon collide.
Can this occur between heart and mind?
When our bodies collide we will see a new light

I yearn to feel that tingle
The slight brushing of your hand on my arm
Electric

Your lips
Move with
Anger

Screaming
Into
My soul

You breathe in and breathe out
Stealing from my lungs

With no air and no life
I fall into your arms

So hold me with your cold hands and your dull heart in your full chest
Speak loud with your dead words and your blank eyes in your black mind

Hold me in your still soul
Hold me like its easy

Eyes are the windows to the soul
You can see where someone has been
How much they have seen
How many times they've been hurt
What they long for

The flame dances to the thoughts in my head
I am cold and the flame warms me
And I stare
Into the light of the flame
If the flame from this red velvet scented candle was as big as the fire inside me
Well, it could burn a house down
It could burn MY house down
And I would be free
Free to roam
Free to move
Free to dream
Free to create the reality I choose, not the life that was giving to me
With the smoke and the ash I will climb higher and higher
And I will float with the wind
And land wherever the world wills to take me

My body is on the earth
But my head is in the clouds
My mind soars
Racing against the sun
Struggling to decipher the lights below
Where am I going

As my heart longs and my mind searches I stay
Suspended between the present and the future
A euphoric state of being
Stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time
A detriment

Drawing circles on your arm…

Tracing figure eights that become smaller and gentler as I make my way to your hand

I look over and I see your left hand leave the wheel 

You try to hide that you’re wiping away the trails of your tears

But I know you see me looking. 

I can tell that this song means more to you each time we listen to it

Maybe it’s the melody

Maybe it’s the lyrics

Maybe it’s because I am singing along,

Singing to you

That I know every word 

That it is obvious how many times I have listened to this song just to get the lyrics right

How many times I’ve fallen asleep with this song buzzing through my headphones

And my veins

How many times I’ve cried to this song because of how relevant it is to us

And our situation

Our unfortunate lack of time

I feel like I'm constantly frozen
I'm stagnant
My mind slugs along
Trudges down the corridors of my skull
There's no way out but through these finger tips
It's a long journey
Traffic
Finding the best route
The best words to use
Are they going to understand what I mean?
Who the **** is 'they'?
No one reads my words but me
Well, will I know what I meant?
Miscommunication

In more skin than clothing
This girl soared.

My mind is a prison
A cell that holds me
Locked inside
Oppressed
With no way out
Left to my own devices
Contemplating everything
This scares me

My mind is a vast field
Open and free
Beauty everywhere
In places you would least expect
Hope runs wild here
I run wild here
My heart is free
Freedom releases me

My mind is a black hole
Darkness
Deep and never ending
Swirling into nothing
It ***** me in
Never let's me go
And shrinks me down
Depressing me

My mind is a machine
Creating stories and strategies
Learning to love
Building
Structures rise from ashes
As I rise above the rest
And tell the world that it am here
That I am me

I am free.

It's only recreational
Doesn't matter if it hurts
Your hands shake as your sweating and searching through your purse
Reaching out for the answer in the form of a syringe
Sit back and cringe

Push my buttons as you push down and inject
This life is so much harder for a sad reject
Pity and scorn, rustled and torn
You tremble with the treble while your simply causing trouble
I'll be there, take a double

Sunsets and upsets and broken tambourines
Fringe and smoke and dreadlocks and the setting of the scene
Take a hit with me and lean back
Then lean forward and expel
You sought blissful happiness and ended up in hell

Sometimes going off the edge isn't going crazy
Jumping off a building isn't always cowardice
Sometimes it's bravery, courage.

Knowing that something will catch you is security
It extracts the bravery and courage from the act
Leaving only a desire for speed
A lust for the adrenaline rush
A sudden need for attention

Falling with a safety net prevents loss
Loss doesn't always result in devastation
It can awaken you to new realizations and discoveries

Letting yourself fall without the knowledge or guarantee of being caught shows faith
Trust in the world around you
But that trust may be deceiving
Extracting all doubt from your mind
Leaving empty room to be filled by recklessness

A bored body has an active mind
The mind must compensate for the lack of work being done by the body
And a mind can conjure the world
Twisting it into a realm of one's dreams
That world can be made a reality
If only the body makes it so
The body now holds responsibility over creation, leaving the mind in the dark

The darkness is nothing to be afraid of
Unless you fear going off the edge

Conscious
Consciously taking
And breaking

Subconscious
Subconsciously lying
And flying

Freeing and fleeing
From the hopes and despairs
Contradictions I've spared

My mind from
Inside I'm a conundrum
Slum

Streets and alleys that your mom warns you not to go down
But you go down anyway
Slinking and stinking
With the stench of up to no good
The new hood
Keep your white *** out of the darkness
Say nothin
Bring your black skin over and join the fun
Learn to run
Before the red and blue wise up
Don't let them.

Don't let me catch you
Don't let me catch you writing on the walls
Shooting up the streets
Dirtying the minds and corrupting the eyes of the young ones

I'll take it back
We will run this town
Take back what was never yours to begin with and rename it
"Heaven"

I get cold sweats when I think about leaving you
I try to cope with the rush of emotion
The jumble of sadness and frustration and anger
I struggle for a moment when the thought crosses my mind
Comprehending our goodbye is impossible
Not being with you is unfathomable
I just thank you for giving me your music
And therefore your soul
Whenever I listen to the same songs that have fluttered in your ears and swirled around your head
I can feel you close to me
A piece of you is near
And it becomes easier to stand not being next to you on our sleeping bag under the stars
It makes it so that this quilt on my bed is enough to keep me warm
At least for the time being

Everything changes
We're all so afraid of it
Change
Two becomes three and then four and then...
Sometimes we aren't expecting change
Most of the time, we don't welcome it
Personally, I am obsessed with change
I don't want to stay in one place and settle down
I want to see new places
Try new things
Hear new music
Eat new foods
Meet new people
Create new memories.
I want to come home to dinner with my parents and have new stories to tell
I want change.
Change is my best friend.
When change and I stop getting along, I'll settle down
Quite a change.
I want to finally sit down and watch everything else change while I stay in one spot
I'll let my face change from young to new.
I'll welcome old age with open arms.

Most people are afraid of old age.
The wrinkles, the sagging and the gray hair.
I refuse to age until I have accomplished my dreams
Once I have, I will sit and age.
I am not scared.
What's there to be scared about?
The wrinkles represent so much more than just age.
They represent all the years you have been breathing
All the times spent with your family watching TV on a Saturday night
The years spent running away from reality
The year you met your first love
The year they broke your heart
The year you cried every day
The year you forgot all your problems and saw the world
The year you found a job
The year you had to become an adult
The year you made a new friend
The year you and your friend spent every day together
The year you and your best friend got married
The years you spent together with your family
The years leading up to you, sitting on your porch staring at the same sky that you would stare at every night
That sky never changed.
But you will.
I will.
And I'm not afraid.

The trees begin to remind me of the skeletons in my closet

The sky seems to reflect the melancholia in my mind

The wind feels as comforting as an ice bath in February

The ground is as hard as the ice around my heart

The snowflakes are as fragile as my voice when I talk about it...

The icicles imitate my tears as they fall and freeze simultaneously

The moon becomes the only source of light that I can stand

And
This glove takes the place of your warm, soft hand

I have found a home
In the strength of your grasp
In the life in your eyes
In the music of your soul
In the warmth of your body
And in the beauty of us together

I was tricked
Baited
I bated
Searching for the dream that I was told about
That I was shown
Such happiness, however close to my grasp, will never be mine
Still I toil and think until I boil
Angry from the deception of a nation
Abomination
Exasperation
Bated breath
Stolen by the greedy who need to breathe more
Who need to just breathe
Lift that guilt right out of your mind
But never from your conscience
Greedy
Selfish
Cruel
Bullies

A worn pair of Toms.
He places them carefully to the side and rolls up his jeans

I watch him carefully sit down next to me

We stare at the water for a minute with our feet dangling 

The sun is shining and setting reluctantly. 

“It’s beautiful today, don’t you think?”

He says, trying to start a conversation

I ponder for a moment

A moment too long perhaps

Then respond with a casual “yes”.

We spent hours on that dock

Talking about our families and our lives

I laughed more than I have ever laughed

We talked about music

About how music is better on vinyl that you buy from that record store you found one lonely night in December. 

I cried about life 

About goals I’ve never reached

He held my hand and cried with me 
We were alone together. 


I finally looked up from our small place on the sea and noticed the moon

It was watching quietly from its place above

There were people on the street far behind us

String lights hung above tables of outdoor restaurants 

Buses whizzing by

A ship gliding away

Embarking on journeys unknown

Or journeys ruled by routine

I felt like that ship 

Controlled by my life but not knowing what that life was, what it is or what it will be

I only hoped in that moment that he was a part of it.
I look over at his Toms

I see years of walking

Different places, many streets

Grass stains and dirt

I see a life lived fully and full of adventure

I think I’m in love.
He reaches for his Toms and begins to get up

My face falls with my heart and 
I prepare for goodbye

For the friendly eyes to look at mine for the last time

I swear to myself that I’ll remember them. 

He lends me a hand and pulls me up
He asks me if I like coffee
 and I say no 

He chuckles and takes me to a bar
We pass stumbling drunks 

A couple hooking up in a daze
College kids who are excited and too rowdy

The best parts of life outside a bar with a shamrock in the window. 

No girly drinks, no *******

We drink and we talk 

He kicks my *** in pool

Then he lets me win and buys me another drink

We stay until last call

Then we venture out 
together into the world
With our fingers intertwined

Sweaty and covered in blue chalk

We walk down the road 

Until we reach the front door of my building

I stop

I look up and consider saying goodbye

I see his eyes 


I decide to keep walking.

Frost in my eyes and pain in my chest
Rev it up
The faster I go the more I feel it
The louder the engine the deeper the cuts
I enjoy it

I grin when the wind roars through the window and lands harshly on my face
Embrace
The chilling whisper of the world at 8 o'clock
So dark
So cold
Below 34
Cold but not quite freezing
Reflection
Mirrors my mood

Spineless ******* in backless dresses

Fill the halls of the prison.

I watch from my cage

Behind bars of my own creation

Fabrication

They indulge in fancy fabrics and leather bags

I'm in rags

And underneath the fabric is the skin they proudly show

Their beauty

It's only skin deep.

My rags hide me

The bars close me in

Though I don't need it,

The protection.

They really keep everyone out

That's the way I prefer

I keep myself under guard and I express only a sliver

Only a piece of myself

Displayed for everyone to see.

That’s what everyone looks for anyway

The image you show

What you look like

Substance vs. appearance

Coexistence of the two is true beauty.

But the world will see the top layer and stop looking

Fear of the unknown

“Curiosity Killed the Cat”.

So you,

Keep on window shopping

Then tell me how honest you find your friends

Your family

Your peers.

Look me in the eyes and tell me you've seen it all

Why you let yourself fall

And I'll take off my rags.

I'll prove you wrong.

I'll prove that there is more to a person than the fabric on their back

The gold on their wrist

And the smile on their face.

Eyes closed, tears fall
Last night hurt me too much
Today, on my own,
How can I live out of love?
I still feel you, I still love you
I just can't reach out to touch
And it hurts me, in my heart
Knowing that you're arms can't be my crutch
Eyes low, don't look
I'm too scared to be judged
Hold me, for forever
I want, I need it so much
Kiss me harder, love me closer
Kiss my forehead, give me your touch
And maybe,
I'll live
In love lost
Still there but
With a cost
Hearts tied
Frayed at the ends
Kindling for the fire
Sparked by new beginnings

My mouth dries and my eyes water
My throat tightens and so does my chest as
Our song beats through my headphones and flows with my blood
Warming my insides while I shiver on the outside
I throw your sweatshirt on over my head and sniff it every few minutes to remind myself of you
I forget how to breathe
My breath shortens until I realize I am suffocating myself
The thought of now
The thought of being without you
The thought of how much I care for you
It draws from my soul
It weakens me
I need you.

Some call it loneliness
I call it freedom

Those watching from a distance scoff
But burn inside with jealousy
Having to hide from the mirrors
Unable to give in to their desire to be alone
Out of fear
Not of wrath or punishment but of judgement
It is the very thing that cages us inside
Keeps us locked in
Under a watchful eye.
The fear guides us, leads us
Traps us in a corner and takes advantage of our confusion
Left with a contusion to our sense of self and a will to never feel helpless again
Therefore judgement rules our lives
We rule our lives.
We stand in our own way and displace responsibility

Inspiration stems from connection
My connection is disconnected
Reaching towards different things and places...and people
My inspiration is cold when I'm warm
It is loneliness when all I have is company
It is comfort when I am uncomfortable
It takes me to far off places

No one on the inside understands the pain of being on the outside

The exclusion

The inclusion

It all hurts someone
Somewhere

There is something that hurts us all

The one thing that unites us is that we are misunderstood
Yet we misunderstand others
We fight for spots in a group as if it were a competition
Just to be happy

But my happiness shouldn't be determined by my popularity
I shouldn't be out here
Just watching