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rachel Aug 2014
Sullen clouds cry for the people
Watching and fidgeting above
Reign
With the power to turn happiness to drear
They rule
How cruel
Cloud the minds of the young
Electrify the disdain of the wealthy
Strike fear into every susceptible being on the humble lands below
But don't hit me
I'm standing in an open field with nothing around me
Just don't hit me
rachel Aug 2014
Suburbia haunts me
It's all around
Everywhere I look I see it
Cookie cutter houses
Rich kids and their mansions
Children enjoying the innocence of their youth
As then there's me
I stand watching all of this
Running through the streets of my memory
The alleyways of my childhood
The sun turns to darkness and the shutters close
My eyes, once looking out now look in
And I see it
I see it all
Right there between pain and joy
Suspended in an ever changing state
Confused and abused
Swallowed my nothingness
Spit out by somethingness
Struggling
To stand
To breathe
To move on
rachel Aug 2014
I'm starving myself  
My stomach grumbles every few minutes
It's nice to feel
Something
Sammy Davis Jr. - We'll be together again
rachel Aug 2014
I dream to escape reality
The sadness and the pain
The hurt and the shame
I drift off to a universe of my subconscious creation
And I enjoy my life
My life above the clouds
Away from all the ******* of society

But it seems that my dreams and my reality have melted together
I can no longer tell the difference between the two
Though, I prefer the dream land
My inner desires always come about
No complicated, confusing feelings
I can manipulate this place
There are no limits
No consequences
And that's how I like it
Can I stay?
rachel Aug 2014
Music takes me to different places
Makes me think of old faces
Spaces in between the lines I wish I had crossed
Traces of his scent lingering on my sweatshirt

It used to take me far away
Far from the cold place
The time in my life that was empty and a waste
I couldn't wait to get away

It would take me to the first summer I could drive
Blinded by the sunlight
Windows down and no one on sight
Warm air at the end of the night

Now it takes me to him
To the sweet fruit and the smoke
A haze all around us
The bass vibrating in my chest
By heart racing while he's next to me
The music taking me away; taking me with it
Everything that I feel when I'm with him excites me
The music
Oh how it reminds me
rachel Aug 2014
The island of misfit girls and boys

We struggle to be accepted 

But then ignore the ones on the same journey

The first step to being loved is to first love yourself

The second is to love others 

The third is to open your eyes and see opportunity to spread love to your world 

Go out into the world with ready hearts and open minds

Enter relationships with one goal:

To accept others as you would want others to accept you

Live by the sun and love everyone
rachel Aug 2014
She always shows up at the worst of times
Telling me the bad news that I thought I would finally be able to avoid
She brings me down
Steals the hope from any and every moment of my life
Thanks

She's the kind of woman who feeds off of pain
Her mouth waters at the sound of a stifled cry
She finds joy in sadness
And appropriately so
She is the drop dead devil everyone trusts
Her hair is the color of the sun
The lonely, burning hot sun who sits pretty in the sky all alone
Solace
Searching
Occupying herself with her terrorizing antics
Go home *****

Life without her is cold and dark
And beautiful
Life with her is hot and blinding
And scorching

I live with her and she lives with me
I hate every second of it
But she clings on for dear life
And I'm the kind of person who just can't say no
You're welcome.
rachel Aug 2014
White and black
Black and white
Fear of love
Love if fright
Dark night sky with the moon flying high
But that's where the lines blur
rachel Aug 2014
Nothing is as clean cut as black or white
Choose a side and regret it later.
Choose black
Join us in the darkness
And continue to long for the sun.
Choose white
Bask in the sunlight
Enjoy your choice for a small while
Until you get burned
Then you search with squinted eyes for the shadows you left behind.
rachel Aug 2014
Noir
I know who you are

Hide in the darkness and love in the light
Bask in the right

Love in the wrong
Heart's a song

Beautiful but can't be held
Can't be seen in truth
White and black meld

Into a gray puddle of confusion
Chaos
Bass drops into your stomach like a stone

Electricity pulses energy through your veins
Back to the refrain
Strain
rachel Aug 2014
Can we go back?
Back to the days of uniforms and recess
Soft pretzels and footsies
Joking and smiling
Loving and crying

I remember your face like it has always been
How it was that first day
We were so close to the ground yet still standing tall
Young and mindless
But I could feel it
I knew you were special
I've loved you for ages
But you never noticed

I held your hand
I made you smile
You made me dream
You made me sigh
We made each other laugh
I saw the mischievous look in your eye
I could tell you were on the verge of erupting into laughter

You made my heart sing
It's a song I haven't heard in a while
Play it for me.
rachel Aug 2014
All the world's a stage
A plague to the man who writes the front page

Aim to entertain or deliver the facts
Try and please all or get knives in your back

No pain
No gain

Widen eyes and cause splendor among the masses
Or force them to think that they need better glasses

Report or embellish to make cinema of news
Stay honest to the truth or master the ruse

Cradle rob and plunder, set fires ablaze
Add dragons and damsels to appease the craze

Stoop to the depths of the seas miles away
Abandon integrity and let your moral compass sway
rachel Aug 2014
What makes you perfect is not how your eyebrows mirror each other

Or how many curls you had time to do this morning

Or the name on the tags of your clothes
It’s all just a bunch of makeup

Hairspray

And letters. 

What makes you perfect is the way you treat others

The way you hold the door for someone when you didn’t have to 

It’s the things you dream about when you stare at the sky from the passenger seat of the car

It’s the song you listen to over and over because it brings you back to that special time with that special person

What makes you perfect is the smile that you give for no reason

The one that you mean

It’s the way you laugh until you cry

It’s the dreams you have

The secret hopes that you don’t tell anyone

It’s trying to silently cry while watching a movie

It’s crying when you need to 

It’s being strong 

It’s having courage
 and
Ambition and

Determination and

Acceptance. 

It’s being yourself when all else fails

What makes you perfect is everything that makes you.
rachel Oct 2014
I see you when I close my eyes
I see you when they're open
And I'm trying not to accept the fact that I won't see you again in person
Everything's lucid
I wish I didn't know it
But you ignore me when I wish that you wouldn't
Life drags on
Though you were only a means to an end
But that end hasn't ended and the means was in my head
I understand what cold turkey looks like
I just wish I didn't have to live it
I wasn't worried when we were together
But now you ignore me and I'm hurting
3 am smells of you now
Of cigarettes and natty ice
Of the strength of your body and the weakness of mine
It's time to go
Back out into the cold
The cold that you wake up to when you go off to work
I know that you're a dream
The idea of you that I have
But in reality I had you
For hours in my grasp
And I let you slip
Because I let you have me
And I'm torn up from the turmoil
That you don't care enough to see
rachel Feb 2015
The smell of pine trees in the air is fresh
Fresher than a babies face as
it takes its first breath
The sky above me houses mounds of clouds but
None have cried yet; how strange.

There has been a cloud over my head for days it seems
The storm inside me washed my soul clean
But I'm still at war with this piece of myself
I walk, in part, to find peace of mind.

My feet take me deep into the forest
Where I'm faced with two paths: right or left
I can't help but think of how cliché this is and
Instead I trek through the thicket in between.

My indecision is what leads me
I never take option one, two, or even three
I make my own, yet
Here I am at a crossroads.

"Just Go Your Own Way" is easy to say
Yet here I stay
In the middle of the forest
Pining away.
rachel Aug 2014
I want to hear memories of last night in the rasp of your voice.
rachel Aug 2014
I felt broken today
I felt as if everyone who looked at me saw how torn I was
As if they were counting how many pieces of him were stuck in my skin like broken glass
Little bits and pieces stuck everywhere he ever touched me
How can they possibly count them all
rachel Aug 2014
Read between the lines...

The white fairy dust that makes all of her problems disappear
Like magic
****.
It's gone in a sniff

A single tear lands on the table
Right next to her golden credit card
The token of his love
The reward for achievements and milestones
Memories that should have been shared between father and daughter

He never noticed her.
Her face after she cried
Her runny makeup after a kiss in the rain with her boyfriend
Her curled hair as she left for the prom
Her white gown as she held her diploma and moved the tassel
He was in every picture but was never there for her
Not the way she needed

He only saw the row of straight A's on her report card every year
He handed her a new trophy
A phone
A car
A credit card.
Those straight A's were the only thing that connected her to him
Now all she can keep straight is the line of coke in front of her face
rachel Aug 2014
Kaleidoscope eyes
Telescoping with time
A tumbling jumble of colors and feelings
The quivers, the shakes, the shudders and reelings
Understood by the one with a blank expression on his face
Wide and bewildered eyes caught in her's embrace
Patterns colliding with no rhyme or reason
Deceiving her reflection
Just one more act of treason
Selfishly looking on over the bridge from her perch
Not comprehending the magnitude of her worth
A girl, a child, left out in the snow
A story never left behind
Now we'll never know.
rachel Aug 2014
It's crazy how things build up
How quick your emotions get the better of you
After years of suppression
The depression
Closing in on you
Tighter then Joan River's face
Realer than....
****
What's real anymore?
No answer
Lost
Everything
It's all just so lost
rachel Aug 2014
I'm sitting at the bottom of my shower feeling the cascading of the water on my face
Coping
Sometimes I pretend it's raining
And I sit there crying
Trying to convince myself that I'm fine
I let the rain hide my tears from myself

It's messed up
I know.
Don't think I don't know how messed up it is
I just need it now and then
I need to cry but I need to be convinced that I'm strong
That I can handle anything without shedding a tear
Weakness is the only thing I fear
rachel Oct 2014
I've been lying in bed for hours.
I don't see the point in getting up
How can I possibly live my life when you're gone?

I feel selfish
Spoiled that I'm still alive
I'm an awful person
If you aren't breathing anymore, why is it that I have that privilege?

It makes me wonder
It makes me angry
To even consider that there is a God
How can He exist if people as amazing as you are taken from this earth?

My breathing is lackluster in the dim light
The weight of blankets on my body buries me
That's how it should be
I feel your pain

I know I won't see you again
You belong in heaven and I will go to hell (if there are such places)
But in my heart I can remember you
With our memories I can laugh with you again
And in my dreams I can see you smile as if nothing happened.
Yesterday morning my good friend Stephen passed away. He was hit by a drunk driver the night before. He was an amazing person. I miss him dearly. Rest in peace Stephen.
rachel Aug 2014
When I drive I am liberated
My music blasts
Engulfing me
Immersed in the symphony
Speeding down a road where a million have before me
Searching helplessly
Staring into infinity
And drowning in the melody

Windows cracked
I feel the cool wind
All over me
Cold night and it comforts me
The moon is dead and I can barely see
Driving dazed and carelessly
Engine roaring ferociously
As the music flows inside of me

The wind rushes in
As if it were the water
Fighting to drown me
End me
I thrash uncontrollably
Gasping and gulping and trying to breathe
Reaching the surface finally
Coughing up inspiration violently

I am inspired by many things
But I translate my inspiration the same way every time
In the sun
In the moon
In the darkness
In the light
In black
And in white
In the sadness
And delight
In the comfort
And in the fright
In the day
And in the night

You see, I feel that contrast is beautiful
I find opposites to compliment each other so well that they belong together constantly
I feel both conflicting emotions at the same time
And they balance out
Balance is key
And I have found it within myself
Therefore I communicate as such
Balanced
Equal
rachel Aug 2014
You get your picture taken
The person behind the camera says "Smile!"
So you do
They say that if you want a pretty picture you'll smile
So you do
You can show your picture to your friends and family
They'll say,
"Look at that beautiful smile!"
"You look so pretty!"
"You look so happy!"
But that's just it
You LOOK so happy
That's the thing with image
We strive to be beautiful
Thin
Graceful
****.
We think these things will bring us happiness
They don't.
They bring attention.
We are constantly under a microscope
A lens
And everything we do is picked apart piece by piece until our confidence is ripped to shreds and our eyes are raw from tears.
The expectations of the world around us are overwhelming
We are barraged on a daily basis with criticism
Ridicule
Judgement
Harassment
Ignorance
Many of us are capable of treading water until we feel it's safe to swim with the rest
But there are others who slip under the waves and no one stops to help them
No one acknowledges the struggles
The feelings
The pain
The starvation
The cuts.
Our problem is that we don't strive for happiness
Happiness for ourselves and for others
We only strive to appear happy
Many of us succeed
But few of us actually are.
Even fewer of us take the time to consider those who are pretending
Those who smile when they are told
But hurt when they close their bedroom door.

A smile is too beautiful a thing to be left empty.
rachel Aug 2014
I crave friendship
Companionship
Love
Acceptance

I search for anyone who may reciprocate
I attempt to connect
I always fail

Once
Just once I hope to succeed
And find in someone the closest friend I could've ever hoped to make

I know I'll wait an eternity
No one ever steps up to the plate
Everyone is too scared to swing first
God forbid you miss
Take that ******* risk
What's there to lose?
Only something you never actually had
And if you win...

I have grown content with the notion that I will be the only one that will understand me
And even I don't fully accept myself
Tweaks here and there
Things I constantly want to fix or change or eliminate completely
Just give up and conform already

Never.

I'm not looking for tight hugs or long kisses or even loving eyes
I'm looking for a place, rather, a person to feel connected to
Is that person you?
rachel Aug 2014
Memory
A smell
A sound
A deep feeling

The way the sunlight grazes your face
The sound that the leaves make under your bare feet
The cool nagging of fall in the breeze
The slow setting of the summer sun

Walk
And just keep on walking
Until the night moves in
And your skin chills

Run
Run back home
And brace yourself
For the coming storm
rachel Aug 2014
Contra is my mantra
Walking contradiction
Comfort in contrast
Contracting the human disease day by day

Fighting hard and losing
But persisting
Resistance of assistance
Shake and bake until I'm high enough to lose my breath
Breath taking view
Atop the peaks of irresponsibility
Giving no ****
Consequences?
**** em
Back lash?
Bat your lashes and slither your way out of it
Love?
Who needs it when you've got the attention of all the sinners
An angel among them
Freezing in the arctic pinnacle of hell
One at a time their cold hearts freeze them from the inside
rachel Aug 2014
The moon and the sun
Star crossed lovers
Pulled apart by the soullessness of the norm
We complain about the sun
We ramble on about the moon
Yet we fail to understand the relationship between each
Unable to touch
To be one
But loving nonetheless
rachel Aug 2014
Sometimes I feel like I have no real inspiration
As if everything I write is tired
That it's not original
Sometimes I read my words and I don't see the purpose
I use big words to decorate my verses
But in the end there's no meaning
Maybe my work is all one big metaphor for my life
No purpose
Constantly searching for a way to make things look or sound better
Disguising the facts
The emptiness
And in my inspiration-less rut I found inspiration
The irony of it all
It strikes again
rachel Aug 2014
I have more used plastic baggies with remnants of **** left in them than I know what to do with

We’ve gone through so many

Maybe that’s why I can’t remember anything but you…

I like having them

I smell them when I miss you because they smell like you

Because they smell like us.

I have an extra lighter with me because you always forget yours

I light it when I miss you

I touch it when the flame dies just to feel the warmth on the tip of my thumb

It reminds me of how you get a little too close 

It reminds me of your warmth.

That lighter

I love the sound it makes when I grind the gears and press down swiftly

The click and the whoosh of the flame springing to life

It takes me to nights when fireworks and stars paint the sky

It takes me to our rock in our stream in our kingdom of trees and fresh water

It takes me to the sun gleaming in your eyes

It takes me to flower-flourished fields. 

The flame takes me with it as it dances

And I dance through my memories

Tracing my steps until I find each moment we have shared

I dance until my eyes slowly close

And then I dream of you 

I dream of you and wish you were here

But this is just a dream…

I wish we could dance forever.
rachel Aug 2014
A white house
Modern with obnoxious windows catching the view of the Hollywood sign
A house in the hills.
Standing on the roof is a girl
Me?
I can't tell
Not from this far away
She is balanced right on the edge of the flat roof.
She looks over the edge and sees.
If she fell, she would feel the exhilaration
Only to crash at the bottom.
All things come to an end.

A man walks toward her.
He's not going to hurt her.
He has to much care in his step
To much love emanating from his body.
She begins to sway
Careful!
But she steadies herself.
He helps her steady herself.
A warm breeze blows it's way through their silhouettes against a California sunset
Gentle
Not enough.
They stare at each other
They talk
Then scream
She screams more
She is begging him to push her over

Why?!
Please!
Do you really want it?
Yes. I do.

He pleads with her more
Just a little bit more...
He musters up the strength to push her
She prepares herself for the rush.
One full gust of wind
One push
And she's off.
Her feet leave the ground
And she is falling.
Floating.
Is there really a difference?
He stands in relieved shock.
Awe
They maintain eye contact the whole way.
The connection makes it bearable
And equally unbearable.
She doesn't see her life as she falls
She sees him.
On her lips
All over her skin
In her hair
Around her neck
Over her shoulder
In her mind.
Her last thought before she opens her eyes...
He stands over her
Again?
rachel Aug 2014
I'm sitting criss crossed on a picnic table in the park
All by myself
Accompanied by a water bottle and the thought of you
You decided not to come home this time and I guess I don't blame you
All these places and memories
Faces that remind you of high school
Of ******* and of how shallow humans can be
I guess you wanted some time to pretend that you aren't one of them
But you are
And so am I
And I guess that's why this hurts so much
Sitting here alone
Because not too long ago it used to be the two of us
Walking side by side through this park
Pretending that we were more real than any other human in our sight
Whether that's true or not,
At least we were together.

Now it's only me
Sitting here,
Laughing to myself as 13 year old girls walk by in shorts so short I can see their *****
How sad
But then I realize
Here I am,
A sad, lost, lonely college student
Sitting by herself on a picnic table
Scoffing at a group of girls because of how they're dressed
How does that make me a better person?
The only reason I was ever more real than them was because I had
You
Now I don't even have that.
Sun
rachel Aug 2014
Sun
When the sun is shining
My heart goes weak
My mind goes loose
And I am ruled by desperation
rachel Aug 2014
I love sunglasses
I love that I can put them on and they shield me
But more than I love wearing them
I love taking them off
Basking in the sunlight
Taking it all in
Occasionally blinding myself for the sake of seeing the beauty
Revealing a perspective that is not caged by frames
Not dimmed by tinted lenses
But freed by the open air
The slight breeze moving through my fluttering eyelashes
Unprotected and fragile
rachel Aug 2014
Rain is falling on my left
Dark clouds hover over my head
The sun sets to my right

The ground waits longingly for the sun's touch
The sky lights up
And I walk along through the strawberry haze
rachel Aug 2014
When the sun goes down
all the monsters from
every shady corner
and dark alley
in my mind
close in
rachel Aug 2014
Carburetors and gasoline
Driving in a puff of black smoke
Tread circles and burnt tires
Every minute or so I choke
Sizzling underneath the sun
With nothing but gray up above
The nothingness keeps me floating
In the nothingness I found true love
rachel Aug 2014
You are the first person that said "you are beautiful" that I actually believed
rachel Aug 2014
Morning
Halcyon sun
Glorious and radiant
Promising.
The future looks brighter than the sun today
It's blinding.
Step out and burn
Daylight firefight
Shot up
Relentless.
Shoot up
Apprentice
Right hand man
Left arm vein
Swirling
Coursing
Stinging
Burning.
Curtains drawn to hide the truth
Ruthless
The spotlight reveals you
Illuminating the shadiest corners of the soul
The sole reason
Hiding in the daylight
Open the door only to travel by night
No one in sight
Lurking
Slinking
Sinking hopes and crushed dreams
Prosper in the dark
Cold and dead arms hang
Lifelessly.
Long strides
Careful steps
The nighttime attacks like a thief who just pulled you into a dark alley to rob you
Not just of your money, honey.
Out of nowhere and unwelcome
Clammy hands in the eyes of defeat
Hard ground underneath
Thoughts
Creeping
Weeping
Mourning
rachel Aug 2014
My eyes glow tonight
Brighter than the moon
Greener than the trees
Sadder than the rain

They glow brighter tonight
With memories I stumbled upon
With pain from those days
With all the anger and hate

They glow brighter than happiness
More than when they dance with joy
More than when I smile
More than when I am happiest

They glow tonight
And show such darkness
And reveal so much pain
And extract things I buried
rachel Aug 2014
Everyone seems to feel bizarre
Unaccepted and misunderstood
But that loneliness that we find inside our souls
Is only in our heads
We all share this
And therefore we all have others on this earth that relate to us
Connect to us
We are each others' lonesome companions
Whether we have been acquainted or not
There is unity in being misfits
rachel Aug 2014
The spring wind
Sang songs of life to me
And taught me to smile
At the break of the sun

The summer wind
Gave sweet things to me
And let me dream of sunshine
And I laughed to the sky

The autumn wind
Whispered words to me
And carried my heart above the trees
Only to fall with the dying leaves

The winter wind
Cried out to me
I held my breath
And watched the world die around me

The cool wind
Reached out to me
It carried my soul
And let me be joyful once again
rachel Aug 2014
With every look from your green and red eyes

My heart flutters

Like the wings of the butterflies 

In my stomach
rachel Aug 2014
Why is it that our harshest memories, the ones we try so hard to suppress, are the ones that we are unable to forget? These glimpses of our past, windows into our shadowy souls, stay vivid and persistent. No matter how much we try,  we cannot cage the animals or stop the flooding images from drowning our thoughts.  
      I have this one image, a face in a gray and rainy place, where my one biggest regret lies. The face creeps into my vision, casting a shadow on the rest of the world for a minute, just until I find the key and lock it back inside. The way that it, he, rushes back is what gets me. It is as if the moment is a reunion, where both of us run into each others arms and rekindle past months. But in reality, where I choose to live only a fraction of my days, we don't know each other. We never did. But yet, I feel the weight of him on me, as if I do know him, as if I bare his soul on my back. He is so heavy, and I feel that he wants me to share his life, his lies. There is just too much for one person to handle, and he has chosen me to lift him up and share the misery.
This is more of a thought; an observation.
rachel Jan 2015
I'm scared to tell him I love him because I know that's what scares him the most
His mind is different and
His heart is so timid that
I know he will back away
Once I say
"I love you".
The minute I utter those three words and eight letters
He will shut down and wonder what's next
He will question what is expected and if he agrees
And he'll break down and hide away so no one sees
Into his soul
Or into his mind
The bumpy indecisive waves crashing inside
Pandemonium in his cranium all due to "i love you" and the obligations that society has created
Around those syllables that I spoke
With confidence and fear
Knowing that what he will hear will be more than just what I feel
But a job
A new obligation to me
A choice he had no choice in but would've come to, hopefully
Suddenly
After days of rational thought
Because he is rational and logical and thinks far too much.
"I love you"
It takes courage to say
It takes spontaneous trust in your heart just to explain
To someone
Someone you love
Someone you think about more than enough
Someone who has been in your mind long enough
For you to decide that they have your love
So with all of my thinking and all that being said
I know how I feel and how it will be read
I'll eventually tell him because time won't wait
I just hope that he's not too afraid
To reciprocate
"I love you too".
rachel Aug 2014
Time
My biggest squander
I fill my time with wishes and dreams of wander
Only to stay in the same place
I keep it in
Contained

I feed my dreams with false hope
Sustained

I refrain from admittance of my problem and therefore remain the source of my failure
In denial, undeniable creature
Self-titled preacher
Unrecognized
Pointless, "not worth the money"
feature

Penniless and breathless at the edge of no return
Looking at the possibility of happiness from the sadness in the clouds
My high hopes carried me with them as they soared to the heavens
The only glimpse of Heaven I will ever get is then
Hopefully a different fate awaits me when I land in Hell
rachel Aug 2014
Time has been an innocent bystander in the collection of regrets I call my life
Time has been neither a friend nor an enemy
Until now

Time allowed me to grow
It allowed me to realize who I am
That I am a result of all the time spent on molding the glob of clay that is me

Time brought me to this point
This place in my life where I have a job
College
A promising future
Aspirations
Confidence
And Ethan.

Time has given me my life

Time has moved so slowly
It is only when I look back that I realize how quick it has all been
It isn't until now that I wish time would stop
Slow down
Change course and leave me alone

Time has given me Ethan
But time hasn't given me enough of itself
That stingy *****.
I have only a small pile of sand left with him before the hourglass is flipped and I must move on
Time will take him away from me

Time, who once was my silent acquaintance, has grown jealous of the life it has given me
Time is of the essence
And Time is my Enemy #1
rachel Aug 2014
You're just a shade of invisible
I can see right through you
Are you even there or are you carried by the wind?
I call out your name and I hear the echo of
Empty rooms and the feelings deep within
Shudder the shutters
And make the branches creak
You're screaming but you're neverpresent
On a sleepless night streak
Upset and ****** red
Glassy eyes and shattered heart
You step back and I know this but I still reach out into the dark
rachel Aug 2014
There is a certain artistry to the way that two bodies move together
Each movement is so haphazard
Both people not being able to get enough of the the other person
Graceful chaos.
The melding of heart and mind
I different kind of addiction
Adrenaline.
The way that each touch lingers long after everything calms
The way that each movement is committed to memory
I remember it all
Hips moving
Arms sliding
Hair flipping
Nails scratching.
I remember the way it felt as my fingers ran through his hair
I can still feel his scruff on my cheek
I can feel him kiss my neck
I can hear him whisper...
rachel Aug 2014
Set the tone
Drop like a stone to the bottom of a warm glass
Empty bottle
Full of regrets
Water ring where the answer to all life's problems rests
Ring around the pole with a ****** lace waistband full of ones
Sliding
Falling
Sinking
Drinking
Never blinking
Or breathing
Just seething
Writhing and weeping
Creeping
Touches under the swinging light
Pendulum
Back and forth
Up and down
Forward and back
In
And out.
Breathe
Pulling in
Sneaking out
Stumbling in to the closest neon cathedral
The only reliable house of worship
The only tangible faith  
Slap a *** onto the wooden bar
Arms resting on the ledge, body held up by a ****** stool
Your constant crutch
Holds you up
Knees shake
Shoulders quiver
Back shivers
Hands steady
Cigarette in one hand
And a bible in the other
Pain in desperate eyes
Smoke invading
A prayer escaping chapped lips

"Oh Lord don't let my drink run low
Let it flow
Flow forever
Don't let me taste the last drop
If so
Let that last drop be a stone in my throat
And let me choke on my salvation
Save me from it all
Amen."
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