sometimes we find our best self in the silence. when there’s nothing to listen to expect the sound of our heartbeat, something happens. you find the rhythm of your own thoughts and you stop being so afraid of where those thoughts go. you learn what keeps your hands busy and your mind engaged. we live in a world that insists that you are incomplete in some fundamental way if you aren’t constantly surrounded by other people. and if you ever allow yourself to be alone when you feel lonely, you might start to believe the lie. i like being alone, but i don’t like being lonely. but if you let go of all your expectations for a happy life and simply live, i think you’ll find that being alone isn’t scary or sad at all. there is clarity in the silence. there is hope there too

falling out of love was easy.
all you had to do was make a call,
break a heart,
find someone new.
i guess that’s only if you fall out at all. i guess i'm still waiting for that.
i've been waiting for a while.
longer than it feels and shorter than I tell myself
i have a fear that i’ll be waiting to fall out of love with you when i have canyons in my face from age and broken legs from climbing up this mountain.

you can't tell people that your heart isn't the only thing broken.
bedsides from just being damaged goods, they've heard all your songs before. they're tired of it. "move on, change the station please, this melody is making me carsick. you've had your time to mourn."
everyone had their fair share of breaking. nobody cares.

and no one cares about poetry. no one cares that a poet cries when they think about daffodils or that they feel physical pain in their chest when they think about what wasn't meant to be but it happened anyway.
a poet writes for themselves, and how selfish is that? they consider others only when their chest stops hurting and expectations boil in their brain.

rainy fall nights turn to cold winter mornings so fast if you blink you might miss it
just as quickly the mornings turn to cool spring afternoons
cool evenings turn into warm summer mornings
sometimes it feels like my summer morning will never come
every night is a rainy fall night and every morning is so cold
i know what people are thinking
carry an umbrella, it's so hard to remember an umbrella when the rain is everywhere
the water keeps surrounding me and i don't know how to swim
i used to think that it was always raining, but the drizzle that i used to encounter from time to time would be so much better than the flood i experience every day
i wish i go back to my old self and tell her that things will get worse before they get better
the drizzle will turn into a flood
it will keep you up all night
some days will be clear not a cloud in your mind
these days will be your good days and somehow your mind will convince you that you are getting better
but the next day the flood will return
the sun used to out weigh the flood
treasure the sunny days because they will be gone before you know it

You have dreams of big cities and fancy cars and you are surrounded by beautiful people
But your ship is drowning
You've been on this voyage for 18 years now and you've come farther than you ever thought you would have but you will come up alittle short
Just as always
You have such big dreams but larger deadly habits
The razors won't help you and you know that but
Somewhere in your head you have convinced yourself that if you drain out all your blood you will also drain out all the hate and be lighter than ever and then you can finally make it to shore
But, my dear, the hate is not in your blood it is in your head
You are the captain of this sinking ship but your depression is your first mate
Your depression has been the evil stowaway that has been sleeping in your brain for years now
The hate in your head can be traced back to it
You've spent the last eighteen years trying to track its every move
You've performed countless operation on yourself trying to make yourself better trying to remove your depression
You would have thought you were van gogh trying to paint the perfect smile on your face because you know people say smiles can cure depression but i guess you just didn't try hard enough or maybe you should have ate yellow paint instead
But no matter how you decorate the ship it is still sinking

i guess some would say that its just easier to push the ones you love away, instead of sticking around and watching them leave you instead. but absence is absence and leaving hurts too, because either way someone’s being ripped away from you and i don’t think that dull ache ever truly goes away. we just grow numb to it, become unaware and pretend that breathing isn’t hard. even though it is. even though it kills you sometimes just to take a deep breath because shards of everything broken inside of you never truly go away, they just resemble into something else that you either love or hate and end up poking your lungs when you find someone new, letting you know “oh hey! this is scary!” but the point of this is to say, absence hurts like a ***** no matter how it hits you. and maybe its insensitive to say, but you need to appreciate the people you have right now because you never know when you will run out of what seems like an endless succession of tomorrow’s because everything does come to an end at some point. so please, with everything inside of me, im begging you, make the most out of today. tell everyone you love them, shout it as loud as you can, scream it. im not much of a person for saying i love you unless i truly mean it, but please, gather what’s inside of you and tell them. tell them before its too late, appreciate them, call them, text them, go hangout with them, hold them close because when you have a tomorrow that comes and you lose someone you’ve loved with every fiber of your being, that’s what ***** you up inside. it leaves you broken, so broken you can’t even fathom enough life inside of you to breathe for a while and so you become blue and you kind of fade away into the sky and you go away for a while, you vanish from all that you’ve known because when someone you love is ripped away and you’re forced to say goodbye, it’s kind of like hearing every “i love you” and “i hate you” all at once. it’s deafening, numbing, overwhelming and its not something you come back from easily. and i know it hurts how nothing is promised forever but sometimes there’s solace in that. because that means the bad won’t last forever, this darkness won’t surround you forever, these wounds will not bleed you dry forever. so please, hold onto the things close to you even closer. and love. love with everything you’ve got, love until it makes you ******* bleed and remember, you choose who you bleed for. so when you bleed yourself dry, i hope you can see it in you that it was worth it. i hope the person you bleed for also bleeds for you. i hope that that the person you love, loves you back just as much. i hope your heart heals, and more than anything, i hope you find it in you to love when there isn’t much left. love will save you if you let it. please, let it.

they say the grass grows greener on the other side
but I've been watering myself down day after day
counting calories, running on treadmills for hours,
you know it seems like the only thing I could eat without feeling guilty about myself is a small bowl of nothing
but even that would be too much.
and when I do eat, I eat so much that I'm too full to go on with the day
but that fullness can't fill up the empty void in my head that's supposed to be telling me to love myself
because how can I love myself when the only thing that's ever loved me was a hot pocket in the freezer
and how can I love myself when my dad says people who hurt themselves are crazy but then saw my scars and didn't apologize
and how could I love myself when I was the age of 16, the woman who gave birth to me told me depression is just a phase
and how can I love myself when the first boy I ever loved told me the only way to chase after his heart would have to be on a treadmill
and how am I supposed to love myself when people think that not eating all day is an accomplishment
but who knows maybe the grass is greener on the other side after all

sometimes all the lights seem to bright and everyone seems to be talking too loud
it's like all your lies are painted on the walls in the bedroom
my car is littered with all your empty apologies
sometimes it feels like you're all over me like my bedsheets or other times you're like a ton of bricks on my chest  
I seem to be avoiding empty hallways because it reminds me too much of you
you remind me all too much of unwanted homework
you're like a forgotten assignment, a zero I felt I just didn't deserve
when I was with you it's like a song was on repeat but I would keep missing my favorite part
you remind me of an old letter buried under the bottom of my mattress, just dying to be read
but the lights just seem so bright because now you're not around bringing everyone down

somehow all my poems turned into suicide notes  
sometimes I think death follows me everywhere
it's like the wind blows and surrounds me like a tornado and I'm being thrown in every direction and the wind will not stop until it has destroyed everything, including me
it's like my room is constantly on fire and I'm surrounded by smoke and I'm supposed to stop drop and roll into the grave
it's like your hands are over me and your suffocating me and I can't breathe
it's like a call for help but I'm in a room with deaf people
it's like I'm finally opening up and asking for help but everyone is mute
it's like no one can be sad just poetically sad
I can write on paper that I want to **** myself and people call it poetry
and all my suicide notes are being turned into poetry

I think eight is my lucky number
eight lies all within eight months
or maybe eight is my unlucky number
it feels like I've been surrounded by your negativity for eight straight years
being around you was like playing Russian roulette with a loaded gun
if I made one wrong move or said one wrong word it would trigger you to **** us both
I had to tip toe around the sleeping monster for years  
for years I had to fake so many smiles to please you
all your problems were also my problems if you got knocked down the next thing I knew I was right beside you
it seems like I was bleeding more than you it's like I was a bruise that never seemed to fade
one day I knew I was done with these games I knew I had to take control of the gun and wake the monster
it's like I unleashed a herd of buffalos because who knew I wanted to be my own person
you would have thought you were a magician pulling all your tricks on me to try and win me over
you played nice and showered me with empty apologies
then you turned cold and let the ice freeze over your heart
you threw hateful words in my direction trying to hit me with every sharp dagger
you played *****, tossing rocks at my window when all I wanted was a break
you would have thought that I would have broke under all the pressure you put on me over these years
even though it seems I'm free of your deadly habits I sometimes still feel a tight pull in my chest of all your lies your fed to me trying to take over me
never would I think that eight months  later I'm still afraid to turn corners because I think you might be there

I count the scars on my stomach
twelve
reasons why you left me
I made myself such a beautiful home out of you
do you remember when my home burnt down?
if I think hard enough I can still feel the way I did that day
the scars feel like open flesh I can feel the heat against my skin and nothing matters anymore
I turned to alcohol and razors because I don't know if I'm trying to numb the pain or end myself all together
people say "don't **** yourself over a boy because he will bring another girl to your funeral"
it's funny because that other girl was there the whole time
my life is like a walking funeral I keep seeing strangers crying everywhere
but maybe I'm the one who's actually crying
I look into the mirror and I don't even recognize myself
maybe I'm the stranger who keeps crying maybe that's why I hear hushed voices everywhere I turn
no one wants to talk to the sad girl, not even you
I keep seeing black everywhere i try to open my eyes and it's like I'm opening them into an endless black hole
there's black everywhere there's black around you too
maybe the black swallowed you and that's why you left me
or maybe there's more than twelve reason why you left me or was I simply just counting scars?

sometimes I think about how this time last year I drew you from memory every time I closed my eyes
but if you asked me to draw you now I would forget how to pick up a pencil

suddenly my poems stopped rhyming and I stopped counting my stanzas
and suddenly you stop calling
suddenly the marks on my wrists aren't scars anymore, they're open wounds
suddenly the world is crumpling around me and I'm afraid to touch you I'm so afraid you'll slip right between my fingers
suddenly you're gone so fast I don't know if I just imagined you
suddenly they aren't 2 am thoughts anymore they are all the time thoughts
and suddenly all my poems aren't love poems anymore

they call it self harm like you are the one hurting yourself. I can tell you that six months ago I was not the one carving hate into my skin. but people don't want to hear that. people don't want to hear that my skin has been razor free for half a year because that would mean razors have touched it. I know this because I told my best friend about my hobby and they are not my best friend anymore. people only want to be friends with survivors. no one wants to be around long sleeves regardless of the weather. no one wants to be around a rain cloud on a sunny day. no one wants to go on a drive with you if you always end up at the same bridge. you have to learn how to be your own best friend. you have to learn to put the razor down. you have to learn how to love yourself. you have to learn that scars heal and people change. six months ago I did not know this. I've learned I've changed and so can you.

I think I've gone mad
I only wear my seatbelt on days you call and you haven't called in months
I keep running my hands over things you've touched because I just want to be closer to you
but my bedsheets smell too much like you so I sleep on the floor
the last time I was in the coffee shop you loved I bought two instead of one
I know you're sleeping better now without me tracing your skin like I'm reading braille
I know I should stop calling but your voicemail seems to be my favorite song
sometimes I have dreams where I throw myself off cliffs just to see if you would catch me
other times I pay someone to **** me just to see if you would cry
I seem to be seeing you on the back of every milk carton
every amber alert I hear your name
somehow every time I speak the only words I can say are come back
I know you've said you're sorry and I know I wanted to say stay but my mouth just said I'm fine
I'm not fine because I know I've gone mad

you can't explain to someone how it's always raining
you know how hard it's poured for the last year
only you know how many times you've fallen and the water is ankle deep
don't you dare try to explain to someone who is only sunshine that you're drowning
the water is everywhere and they never knew you didn't know how to swim
don't bother telling them
they couldn't ever understand
people keep telling you to stand up they repeat it over again and again
stand up they say it's not that deep
but only you know how the water has built up inside you and only a cut can relieve the pressure
but you're five months clean and you just have to battle the ocean waves which are stronger than you
one day you might be stronger than the raging waves but as of tonight you are not
so I'd learn how to swim if I were you

I just ran a red light and I thought of you. but you always liked green lights better didn't you? you were always go go go. you never wanted to stop always on the move. do you remember when I needed to stop and I just needed a break? do you remember when you kept going, dragging me alone behind you. I remember vividly you taking me along for the ride. but I remember crystal clear when you didn't yield for me. you had to go you said, life doesn't stop for anyone. just like I didn't stop at the red light but I did stop when the other car hit me. I stopped when you left me all alone. it hurts and i miss you. I just needed a break I just needed time to think time to slow down and come to a complete stop. I tried to be like you and never stop but sometimes life is just too much and sometimes you run red lights because your mind is full of a boy who didn't stop long enough to love you back. but you always liked green lights better.