Deep blue
like an ocean
They draw me in....
And as if I'm in the ocean,
I can't seem to get out.
Or really even want to
even when I know I need to.
And the thing about those beautiful bright blues,
Is the history.
So much happiness
And so much pain
lie in their wake.
And I can't see past the horizon line.
But I know
It's bright...
But I know
it's stormy....
And in this moment,
staring into the depth,
I can't decide if I will stay afloat
blissfully
Or if I will drown
into the unseen.

Do you think of me?
Do you love me?
Do you want me?
Do you know what I love you
really means?
Because my curiosity
might just **** me.
I need to know.
and patience
is as hard for me
as sleep.

The flame had died from bright to dim,
A future changed from bright to grim.
Years spent through think and, thin.
Strong, yet weak, with broken feet,
A monstrous 5 foot is she.
Magically in majesty, she entrances me.
Of all the works of art, I've ever seen,
No one could ever, enlighten me like she.
Like motionless water, needing a splash,
Or a house of cards waiting for, collapse.

**-N.C.

So what is recovery?
Is it that tingle in your cheeks
When the corners of your mouth meet
Upwards.
Is it that sparkle in your eyes
Because they're no longer suffocated by your cries and you now have the potential to realise
You are strong.
Is it that glimpse of light, that for so long had been out of sight, that you cling onto tight, through fear
It's only temporary.
Is it rediscovering yourself, rebuilding your health and developing a new wealth
Of coping mechanisms.
Is it realigning the chemical imbalances in your brain, so you no longer feel insane, so there's not less pain
But a mind that can handle it.
Is it the glimpse in the mirror where you don't turn in horror but you greet and honour the person that you are.
Is it the fear, that's consumed you year by year, that's brought the end so near,
That starts to evaporate.
Is it eating a meal, and not having to feel like
You need to punish yourself.
Is it hearing voices, but no longer allowing them to dictate your choices,
Because they don't own you anymore.
Is it putting down the bottle, because you're fed up of the throttle
It had you in.
Is it the feeling when you finally win
Back your own heart and mind
When finally you look inside
And don't find
Darkness but light,
When the night no longer scares you
And the days you can finally pull through
Or is it simply a phase
A gaze at what could never be
For there is no clarity,
No prospect to be free
In chains and nooses
And scars and bars.
In bodies that fight to survive
Trapped inside a mind that fights to take our lives.

Some of us; shall never be undone
We fight a war;
That could Never be won.

Blades of grass shivered
As the fingers of the wind strum
A hum ever soft and hauntingly serene
Sweetest song my heart reluctantly would welcome

I stare into the minuscule expanse of land
The horizon does not exist far here...
But still my eyes would stretch
To see the obscured very clear

All alone save for the company of a lone tree
And the jovial chirps of annoying birds
On this island with very little space
Trying to find comfort in ill-arranged words

My eyes do see but my heart remains obstinate
Beauty of the universe would always invite
I could just jump and join in its merriment
But... I am just a tethered kite

I'd want to rise to the highest skies
To be one with the nature's song, composed and tuned
Alas bound to a string, I can only go so far
I am my own island,
                      *helpless and marooned...