You would think having little pieces of them everywhere would be a comfort
A reminder that they never truly leave you
But instead of a comforting hand on your shoulder
It’s a cold haunting feeling of what you lost
Of who is gone
Because the comfort of ghosts
Is no comfort at all

There’s more than one way to die
Little pieces of me die every time a loved one leaves
Every time a friend betrays me
Every time a dream is crushed
Every time I am hurt
Every time someone dies
I may still be alive
But pieces of me rot away
Slowly each day

I am not without my sins
But neither are you
We both have scars
We both have caused harm
But I admit that I have slashed
While you say that you slipped
I defend you in front of peers
As you drag my name through the mud
I kneel before you asking for a truce
And you spit in my face

I see you
I see you as the leaves in the trees
I see you in the dew on the breeze
I see you as the smell of coffee in the morning
As the bees that buzz when I’m gardening

I see you as only I can see you
You are there laughing with me in my late nights
You are there talking to me in the early morning
You are there when I am talking about my delights
You are there when I am mourning

You will never see me in the same light
You will never see me as the flowers in the spring
You will never see me as rainbow after a midday storm
You will never see me as all the joy I bring
You will never see me as the hot chocolate that keeps you warm

Because you will never see me as I see you
And I will never mean as much to you
As you do to me
And that’s how we will always be

Me and you could never be us
If we had been different people, maybe
But I am still me and you are still you
But then again the attraction was between me and you not him and her
And I know it was my fault
That makes sense
There is no I in us, after all
But I still think about if you weren’t you and I wasn’t me.

I would stop hating myself if you asked
My body would stop being a crime if you kissed it
My thoughts kind thinking about your eyes
My heart not a burden if you filled it
My brain not toxic when filled with your memories
My skin healed if you touched it
My soul repaired with your love
Your voice is a melody
Your very presence is my remedy

I can't breathe
This darkness is consuming me
I can't breathe
I am drowning in my misery
I can't breathe
I am blind in this void
I can't breathe
I am being pulled under by something
I cannot avoid

I hate the phrase
“You are only given what you can handle”
It negates everyone who has drowned in their pain
Everyone who is told they will burn for who they are
Everyone who was traumatized as a child
Everyone who has lost people to their demons
Everyone who has burned bridges to protect others
Everyone who goes through hell to keep fighting
You may be “only given what you can handle”
But you shouldn’t have to handle that

I can’t date men now
You took
I am scared of them touching me
And took
Their anger terrifies me
And took
What if they don’t listen
And took
What if they don’t ask
And took
What if they haunt me
And took
As your hands do

Do you ever feel like all you are is the sum of everything that ever happened to you?
All that I am is
My mother’s anger multiplied
My father’s pain cubed
My sister’s sadness squared
My grandpa’s emptiness added to my grandma’s spite
My grandmother’s love has to have my grandfather’s hate subtracted.
My happiness is divided by everyone who has left.

Tick tick
Life’s moving so fast
It’s making me motion sick
Tock tock
Why does my heart feel like a rock
Tick tick
I’m home
but homesick
Tock tock
Why can’t I turn back the clock

I mourn the person that is lost
The young mind i will never be again
But I know she is best
Encased in the coffin of time
No longer exposed to the harsh light of reality
Forever happy
Kept in the memories of the past

I am a liar
I lie everyday with the makeup I put on my face
With the prescription pills I take
I lie with the smile I keep in place
with my coping mechanisms that I use till I break
And with every turn
I feel my heart burn
Because all of this
Is a lie