you're not supposed to be this mean
to the person that you love
you aren't supposed to be so
passive-aggressive
who hurt you
when your heart was still growing?
it was not me i was not born

My hands were sweaty and my stomach practiced summersaults
I wished for my body to fall into a black hole of space and time;
until this was all just a memory. I longed to be flooded with relief
I don't remember how we said hello, or if she asked how I was
Her lips were ruby red.
She once told me Sunday's were for band t-shirts and your boyfriend's sweats
I used to provide the latter
Now I don't focus on who does
She spoke a lot, I smoked a lot
She hasn't grown up much between our years of separation
Did I expect her to? Do I really mind that she hasn't?
She's still the same, she'll always be mine
In a parallel universe I'm waking up next to her
Butterflies bursting from my stomach as she pulls a Fleetwood Mac t-shirt over her head.
As I said goodbye all I was thinking was 'who the **** listens to Jethro Tull anymore?'

you're every lump in my throat that i swallow down
in December you're an abandoned seaside town
you're the ghost who loves her reflection to be cast on my wall
i'm still waiting for you to be nothing at all

i'm the unknown number in the middle of the night
i'm in the eyes of a boy who you're thinking just might
make you feel the way both of us once did
i want to be a shadow beside you and forever i'll live

do you still think it was real what we felt
or are you embarrassed by its very occurance?
do you accept it as victory or defeat?
did you kiss anybody on new years eve?
you must type my number into your phone
wanting to hit call but then you don't
or are there pages of words written for me
that break you a little to know i'll never read?
if you can't sleep at night what the **** do you do?
do you wonder if we both have an intamacy issue?
was it depression or was it just me?
drawing lines and measuring distances so we couldn't be real
if i told you right now that i am sorry
i don't know if you'd respond 'me too' or 'don't bother'
i used to know you inside out
now i have no new memories to store in my head
it's funny how i worried about breaking your heart
and completely forgot that i had my own to tear apart
still no amount of jager makes me tell you i miss you
so either i don't or i'm still the coward you fell in love with

i think i dream about you, sometimes i don't remember
when i wake i can feel your presence,
like you crept into my bedroom
when i was still asleep
dug your hands into my chest
to see if i still breathe
when you felt a beating
you didn't wait around
to hear it still unsteady and skipping

so i wonder - does your smile do that to another heart now?

every so often
when the streetlights disappear from the motorway
stars appear in a sky far from the city
i found one and hoping it was still alive
i wished for you, you, you
until i saw my reflection in the car window
and wondered what kind of God
would ever grant a wish like that

i am learning that love is all around
intertwined in every aspect of life
like falling asleep
and how it is incomplete
unless your name is lit up behind my eyelids
or when a child falls
running to a mother's arms
crying because he never made it and still got hurt

terrible things happen in this world
and the universe watches me decide
1. i wish i had never met you
2. right now i want to tell you
3. all i want is to ******* forget you

when i think about you now it's mostly physical
i struggle to remember conversations we might have had,
when you complained about your job i would reassure you
you made jokes repeatedly yet i never found you funny
you would teach me about the constellations
but not in a romantic way
more a 'why don't you know this already, are you dumb?' way
you never spoke about how you found your brother's body
when you were younger, you never asked how it felt to lose a mother
it was through knowing you that i now understand comfortable silence
today i live two streets down from you
i'm older and i wonder if you'd recognise me
now that i'm as broken as you were

you're still studying but the only part
that you really like
is having the title 'grad student'
to help you avoid the nine to five

you think you could get out of this town
if in the morning you find a way out of bed
you can't decide if you love the girl infront of you
or the one that is still in your head

mood swings become your personality
you used to think you were losing your mind
if you have no direction or purpose you know
you'll be the very one that they will never find