I go out to dinner with a near stranger
we sit on the same side of the booth and
I think about how you're the only one who
knows how much I hate that

I drink a drink with ***** and lime and
***** and it almost makes me feel like
I know who I am when I'm with someone else

I don't think of you often but last night I did
I remembered how your arms are the
only place where I am not self-conscious

I lie next to him on my balcony and
there are a lot of stars above us but
I'm the only one who notices

he is thinking about what I look like naked and
I'm counting how many hours of sleep
I will get if he leaves before 2

there is not an absence of feeling,
just a different kind than I'm used to
he touches my hand and I smile in
a way that doesn't feel forced

I spend a day with a near stranger and realize
there is so much he does not know about me,
so much he doesn't care to

like how I got my nose pierced at 14 or
the amount of time I spend in the mirror each morning
picking myself into something I can carry only semi-confidently

he only learns I can't ride a bike when he asks if I want to
he has no idea that my blonde is shielding a deep brown or
when I got the freckle above my lip or
the inch long scar underneath my chin

he doesn't care and that's okay
when he leaves we say I miss you but
in a different way than I'm used to

it is not a pain swelling to be morphined
nor is it a pulling from the gut but instead
it is the ever temporary desire to fill the excess lonely

we say I miss you and still mean it but
it is not the missing that a body feels for
a phantom limb

I am with him now and probably will be again but
moving on doesn't mean I don't miss you
it only means I'm trying not to

just because I'm all right doesn't mean
I don't wonder how you are
I can still be happy with the existence of a quiet ache

but yes I do
miss you,
I will until the day I can sleep without having to count sheep
I will miss you even if there are no stars in the sky to remind me

I don't think of you but last night I did
the moon was too bright and
I was the only one
who noticed

Damnation to this drink
Shattered glass on the wall
Dulled senses no longer think
But I still hear her voice call

It echoes deep inside my head
And reality hits much too strong
When I know she is long dead
I want her, is that so wrong?

Damaged thoughts are to blame
Someone new in darkest lust
Using this woman in a game
Where I strip her of her trust

Do I use her all because of you?
Because she is your exact double
Oh this woe, what should I do?
Is this worth all this ****** trouble?

She sees beyond my deep scars
As you, beloved, once did
Still this bitterness still mars
All this madness I once hid

Can I escape my coming destiny?
Can the visions reflected be true?
To no longer feel pain and misery
How can this be if I am without you?

Feelings soon forgotten,
Had it not been for him,
Lips unlike before; fragile,
But the flutter all the same.

Playful, light glances,
Reveal much of the heart,
A renaissance began anew,
Inside the mind, body; start.

Awkward steps, a cold voice,
Washing over like the tide,
Left true to see a fleeting stance,
As they said their final goodbye.

Pure reflections of the face,
Left a smile to trail the sky,
The sun would whisper, clouds abound,
To dissipate among the stars.

The Performance

The curtain rises,
Swishing its many disguises,
Every face ever worn
Ever since you were born.

When audience's show
They sit down, stand up and go,
In and out of your life
Like your mother and wife.

The music is strange
Like your costume change,
One minute a rhapsody,
The next a parody.

I wish I could pretend
The dream could never end
But the boards you tread
Are only in my head.

A little more make-up perhaps
To hide the missed lines and gaps,
Such swagger and finesse
In your childhood sequined dress.

To whom are you playing?
The crowds that are beying?
Ignore them, my dear,
Dying is only a fear.

Critics can be cruel
To such a pretentious fool,
I can't always be my best
When sincere and undressed.

They'll never know
That you've fallen or how low,
Just be what you want to be
Because I know you are me.

The curtains shut,
The audience tut tut...
"Overacting!" they shout
As we try to get out,

But hey! I'll dream some more,
Life or death for the encore?
Artists don't have to conform,
But please heart......just perform.

© RJVHorton 2015

One look in those baby brown eyes
And in return a surprise
That perfect smile
The one I haven't seen for awhile

Long, curly hair, always a mess
No one here to impress
Just living like that
Cause life's too short and that's a fact

Now I've shed tears and I felt sorrow
Wondered if I'd make it till tomorrow
Held my breath and let my failures slip away

I've sat up in the middle of the night
Asking God to give me fight
Praying please please let me stay
Just one more day

There you were holding my hand
Trying hard to understand
What it is that's slowly killing me

I lay back hearing you cry
Asking Jesus, asking Him why
My baby girl she's been gone awhile
Pleading one time to see that old smile

Now I've shed tears, I feel your sorrow
I'm telling you to stay for tomorrow
Held your hand and let your darkness slip away

I'm sitting up in the middle of the night
Praying that you'll have more fight
Saying please, please, please let her stay
One more day, one more day

One last look in those big brown eyes
And much to my surprise
I catch a glimpse of that perfect smile

We're sitting up in the middle of the day
Watching all the pain slip away
Thanking God, He let us stay
One more day