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430 · Sep 2015
My greatest fear
When I was a baby,
My greatest fear,
Was my twin sister's teeth.

When I was a toddler,
My greatest fear,
Was tripping and falling down.

When I was four,
My greatest fear,
Was losing my teddy dog.

When I was six,
My greatest fear,
Was losing the friends I'd got.

When I was seven,
My greatest fear,
Was getting my times tables wrong.

When I was eight,
My greatest fear,
Was my best friend feeling bad.

When I was nine,
My greatest fear,
Was going to my best friend's house.

When I was ten,
My greatest fear,
Was that he'd go to the same high school.

When I was eleven,
My greatest fear,
Was the people who were bigger than me.

When I was twelve,
My greatest fear,
Was my best friend.

When I was thirteen,
My greatest fear,
Was telling my best friend no.

When I was fourteen,
My greatest fear,
Was that now I'd be alone.

When I was fifteen,
My greatest fear,
Was losing my girlfriend.

Now I'm sixteen,
My greatest fear,
Is being forced to be the myself,
That everyone believes,
But me.
429 · May 2015
There is no poem today
There is no poem today
Because my heart is unsteady
There is no poem today
Because the words might make me cry
There is no poem today
Because it wouldn't make a difference
There is no poem today
Because my soul is trying to hide
There is no poem today
Because I don't want to share my thoughts
There is no poem today
429 · Oct 2016
Dreamless Sky
Yearning heart held down,
Trapped soul -
Pulled relentlessly to ground.
But now body follows spirit
And my freedom flight is found.

Between fractured clouds,
Frozen stars
Are shattered as I stare,
Painting dances on the moonlight,
Twisting circles in the air.

Rush of endless sky,
Empty sky
Above the chains of life -
Swirling winds now bind me
To the solitude of height.

And far from here the Earth
Has stopped.
And silenced every mind,
For in these precious moments,
God has visited mankind.
428 · May 2016
Smiling things
I sit at my laptop,
A strange sense of purpose,
As my fingers hit the keys,
And for once I feel as if I could write of simple things,
Smiling things:

The music in my ears,
Sending me into dance,
Singing along to words I hardly known,
Written for someone else but still mine in this moment,
And without fear I let the sound rock my whole body,
Filling my lungs so deep they burst.

The flowers in the field,
Some child in the sky flicking a paint brush of bright yellow,
Sending shining drops across the green.
How the wind ripples through them,
A wave of some forgotten tide that loved the land too much.

The stories in my head,
Faces I don't recognise but will love before long,
Places I've never seen but feel like home,
Air I can't breathe that keeps me alive,
Universes flowing like rivers from my mind.
425 · May 2016
Stop for a second
The wind runs through the trees,
The world lets out a sigh.

A whisper frees my bones,
Leaves me calm and quiet.

Everything stops for a second when the wind stops,
Holding onto its breath.

A perfect silence only broken,
When a bird calls out again.
425 · Feb 2017
One way
What are a few tears
But water on my cheeks
When they are shed in exchange
For her eyes?

What does it matter
If I crush myself
If another's heart could be
Saved from pain?

Why wouldn't I
Let myself down
To lift her from the night
To love.
422 · Apr 2016
Burst of spring
Feeling the sun on my face
As I bathe by my window
As I bask in the first burst of spring.
Though beyond those glass panes,
A biting chill dances in the breeze.
I watch and drift in the heat
My eyes do not wish
To gaze on at the light
I have missed for the months in the dark.
All I want is to feel
The sun on my face
That reminds me I'm still alive.
419 · Aug 2016
Run the horizon
It rose beneath our feet,
A rock, a testament to days we lost,
It trembled with our hearts,
And shook us free from selfish dreams,
To fix our eyes above,
Below,
Around,
Outside ourselves,
To care about the colour of the sky,
Or the way grass smells in the morning,
Or the intricate patterns in an insect's wing,
And our horizon grew,
And fell out from our grasp,
And ran towards the sun,
Which began to rise in the mornings,
Set in the evenings,
And every so often,
Mingle with the structures of our own hands,
And we began to sing,
And dance,
And whisper sweet nothings,
And hush our hatred,
For want of innate love - that we'd forgotten how to find.
419 · Mar 2016
tick...tick...tick
A tapping, almost regular.
Close enough to even space between each,
tick tick tick
of some broken clock.

Each beat pulls my mind,
searching for a rhythm to match
the pulse of my unsteady soul.

tick tick tick... tick-tick
...tick tick tick
Confusing, yet constant,
and still my heart tries to keep time.

tick-tick-tick...tick...tick

Until time is nothing,
Minutes and seconds are meaningless
when that last tick sounds.
416 · Feb 2015
The Parts of Me [3]
Why didn't I stop him?
Was there a way?
Or was he too ****** up in the head to listen?
Did he not realise that what he did was wrong?
Did he not understand that seven years later I would still hate myself?
Could he not, just for a moment, have stopped and thought about me?
No?
Then why the **** should I care about him?
What is it about me that means, not only do I forgive him, but I want to help him as well?
Why did I become the cold-hearted *******?
How did that happen?
Where did he take my happiness?
Because he talks so much **** I don't know what to believe anymore.
How can he live with himself?
I certainly can't, but he just keeps ******* up as many lives as he can.
I'd keep going,
But he isn't worth it,
He just took every part of my mind,
And reversed my joy.

I'm done.
416 · Oct 2015
Gloves
The palms of my hands,
Caught all my tears,
And the tiring skin,
Betrays my fears.

You alone,
May know my skin,
Though my gloves,
Are beckoning.

Hold them then,
And feel me shake,
Don't let me think,
While I lie awake.

I'll let you guide me,
And let you trace,
The footsteps I,
Could never face.

Please pull me free,
With your perfect touch,
And show me how,
To be in love.
413 · Jan 2017
Tiny legs
A fly drops to my hand as I write
I notice but don't register enough to
obstruct the flow of my words.
It sits until I move it, waiting, lazy,
It just barely flies, tired from cold,
And I return to the page.
413 · Dec 2016
Confused night
Time belongs to night,
The future to the dark,
Between the moon and stars,
Our lives are in shade,
Disordered and cluttered,
We don't know where to start,
Caught in frozen waters,
No direction, eyes too weak,
Lights drop into the puddles,
And fizzle out with no more,
Than an unseen ripple.
My whole insides curl
As I lock eyes on her face,
See her fear - her panicked breathing,
Her shaking head.
I reach forward for her
But cringe back in myself
Separate mind from body
As I touch her hair
My snarl is not mine,
Nor the words -
Such bitterness is scripted
And crushing to say,
To play this part twists my soul
Into the shape
Of what broke me first.
411 · Jun 2016
Shadow logic
The night is too dark,
Its shadows hide so many,
But I love it still
411 · Apr 2017
Dear, Controller
I could be a machine
Built by thousands of men
Staring at clipboards,
Statistics and spreadsheets
And another thousand
Staring at my chest.

I could be a lab-rat
Bred to play a game
I can only lose
While they laugh,
Joke and decide what
I can't do.

I could be a slave
Kept captive by stolen choices
Shocked into submission
By charged metal round my neck
Yet when I break down they're
Shocked by my weakness.

I could be a number
Manipulated to fit the
Wishes of our rich,
Powerful 'leaders'
Leading me against my
Wishes.

But I am a woman,
Not held or kept or built or lead,
Not confined to the blueprint
Of a designer in an office,
I am a woman
And I will be free
410 · Jul 2016
Squirrels' chase
They scurry across a slender branch,
Dripping under their weight,
But only for a second,
For they are nimble,
And soon another branch stages their chase.

Their claws scratch at bark,
Frantic as they descend to the bank,
Muffled by the earth as two grey tails
disappear into the undergrowth,
And all that remains:
The simmering summer breeze.
408 · Sep 2015
Confused noises
Blasting bass in my right ear,
A broken headphone to my left,
Vaguely the sounds of an old hamster wheel,
And a clanking, broken filter,
Disconnect the music,
Pull it apart,
And tie it round my heart.
405 · Mar 2015
Darkness
Undisputed,
Never challenged,
Constant victor,
Over my divided mind,
Always leading back,
To the same sorry state,
Of denying myself,
Happiness and trust,
Like they would hurt more,
Than my self-torturing brain,
That closes me off,
Locks me in a perfect prison,
With walls of fear and indecision,
That crush me slowly,
From within,
Until I bleed,
My soul onto a page,
And create a new me on a blank screen.
405 · Oct 2014
Dear, You
Leave me be,
I never felt anything for you,
Nothing close to what I feel for her now.
You believe you own me?
Well back off,
I belong to one, and one alone.
She actually cares
She actually listens
So don't think for a second you can compete with her.
You can call me 'traitor'
You can accuse me of heartbreak,
Betrayal and cruelty are words that do not cross my mind.
Leave me be
Let me love
This is to a girl at school, enough said
403 · Aug 2017
Chrysalis
I used to keep myself out of sight
Shadows became friends far warmer than light
The outside world saw no more than a shell
While inside I was growing and preparing myself

Slowly I let the sun touch my skin
Allowing more eyes to look in
And see my heart beat freely
So I could begin becoming me

I broke through the walls, but not alone
People around me at every milestone
They held my hands and pulled me out
With their help I ended the blackout

Now a new life takes its place
As a new smile dances across my face
I stretch out my new wings so they can dry
So that one day - I can learn to fly
402 · Apr 2016
Bobby pins
You've been tying me up,
With the ribbon in your hair,
And the bobby pins going straight through my heart.

I've been trying to copy your style,
But my curls go everywhere,
And it wouldn't wouldn't suit the colour of my eyes.

You've been telling me,
Don't worry about what they see,
Just wear it how you want,
But lately,
They've been telling me,
There's someone else they want me to be,
And it's not who I am now.

I've been basing my look off you,
Since I fell in love with your smile,
And the colour of my makeup is your fault.

But I know that sometime,
I'm going have to work out my own style,
And what I want the world to make of me.

Now, I've become obsessed,
With the way that you dress,
And how you walk,
And the way you move when you're talking to me.

How, how can you say,
That this is not the way?
When like this I smile,
And like this I feel I could finally be free.
401 · Jan 2017
Nachos
My body reminds me of its own
Hatred for itself
A searing pain spreading up
From between my legs
And burning up my chest
Screaming within my lungs
And tightening every muscle
Almost to spasm.
Tearing me away from
Even the slightest smile
And dragging the corners of my lips
Downwards
Further
And my mind is:
Red, dark, sharp, frantic
Angry at life.
I beg it to stray but
Material distractions
Are weak.
401 · Sep 2015
When the lightning came
When the lightning came,
I sat alone,
Hugged tight to my guitar.

When the lightning came,
I played alone,
And let the music drown the rain.

When the lighting came,
I sang alone,
Wrapped my throat in warm words.

When the lightning came,
I found alone,
The softest selfish lullaby.

When the lightning came,
I was alone,
Only if I fell silent.
400 · Feb 2015
I know
I can't see the thread that pulls me,
But I know where it leads,
I can't hear the hound that hunts me,
But I know when it feeds,
I can't feel the heart within me,
But I know how it bleeds,
I can't smell the fear around me,
But I can tell when it leaves,
I can't taste the poison on my-
Wait!
You've been in this circle for too long,
Stop following the path you know and move towards uncharted territory,
Follow me,
Trust me and I will trust you,
Take my hand,
And together we will escape this mess.


My time in here took its toll,
But not enough to ****,
And with you, my dear, there's no other choice,
But to love and trust your will.
399 · Jun 2017
Love Wins Everyday
Hate always seems to be on the attack,
But if it had won,
It would not need to.
When we say "Love always wins",
We forget that love has already won,
We are defending the victory.

We are the guardians of a stronghold
Built without walls.
We are the keepers of a fort
Protecting hope.
We are the torchbearers
Keeping the flame burning.

Yes, love has been driven out of some hearts,
Yes, dark has descended on some corners of this world,
But the billions of hearts beating for truth
Far outweigh even hearts of stone
Love has won,
So let's keep singing,
Let's keep dancing,
And win again everyday.
398 · Mar 2016
Deadline
Another deadline ends
in me dead along the line,
hanging from the line,
that kept me alive.

There's no community spirit
when community needs spirits
to keep people in good spirit,
rather than smiles.

Why am I future planning
when my whole future is planning
for the next day to start planning
my life?
396 · Jan 2016
Distraction
Are you listening?
Or are my words,
No more than ripples,
That fade too fast,
Into confusion.

Are you watching?
Or does what I do,
Mean no more than whispers,
On a breeze too strong,
Carrying them away.

Am I worth anything to you?
Or just another distraction?
395 · Jan 2017
Une Baguette
Following some random impulse,
We bought and shared a piece of bread,
I had no reason to be there, or even close,
I'd already left once and come back,
What kept me from home, I can't say,
But my reward for illogical action,
A brighter night, a simpler night.
394 · Feb 2016
Take it all
Take the pieces of my broken heart,
If you want them,
Take each tear-drop as I fall apart,
If you want them,
Take all the words I wrote to you,
If you want them,
Take the songs I sang for you,
If you want them,
Because though I know you cannot belong with me,
I give everything I have to you,
And I hope that will at least make you smile,
Just once
For K
394 · Dec 2014
The Last Goodbye
The briefest of conversations,
The most serious tone in her voice,
As she explained the end was here.

I listened, helpless, as she told me,
That I wasn't worth it,
That she didn't feel the same as before.

I watched as she stood to leave,
Avoiding my eyes,
Picking up her bag to walk out of my life.

I told her to wait, a final, desperate attempt,
I told her I'd do anything,
She said: "I don't think there's anything you can do."

And with that, the best two months of my life,
Came to a bitter end,
With tears, regrets and despair in control of me.

The hardest part is not that she's gone,
It's that I can't bring myself to hate her,
I still love her.

But I guess that wasn't enough.

Farewell, you who showed me how to smile,
Be happy,
If I can't do that for you, I hope someone else can.
I couldn't quite bring myself to write this until now.
Goodbye and thank you, though you probably won't read this.
394 · Jun 2015
Endless sky
The sky seems endless on summer days,
And the setting sun takes its time to sleep.
The stars seem brighter on summer nights,
But only with you laying next to me.

I dream a whisper in your ear,
And silences hand in hand,
I wish a glance between our eyes,
Our gazes locking longer than planned.

The dry, sun-baked grass is our bed,
To sleep on with our smiles,
And lips hardly move to whisper the words,
That I'd say to you despite the miles.
394 · Mar 2016
Freeze-frame
Frozen white falling,
Clings stubbornly to trees,
A border, a blank accent,
Winter's substitute for leaves.

The pencil lines of branches,
Faint enough to be erased,
The ground off-white whitewash,
The sky a mix of greys.

The world seems hushed and silent
But for flakes cascading down,
A still, a frame, a picture,
Of a dull sub-urban town.
394 · Jun 2017
A Multitude of Memories
Waiting in the empty hours
The fading hours
When loneliness holds my hand
Hoping for different company
Or company at all

Waiting in the solitude
A multitude
Of memories haunt me
Draping themselves around my neck
And my thoughts

Waiting in the pointlessness
The uselessness
Of staying up later than planned
Praying for some purpose
To my dreams.

Waiting as I always do
Always knew
That I was in love with 1 AM
More than I ever was
Or ever could love you.
390 · Apr 2015
Poem infused
Singing along,
As I have done so many times,
But today I forget,
To agree with the lyrics,
And find myself,
Lost,
Lost in the music,
Instead of words,
Singing to the tune of another's song,
The words of a poem,
Infused with melody,
And dancing through my mind,
In spontaneous truth,
And then,
Lost,
Lost from my memory,
Gone as quickly as conceived,
And try as I might,
Cannot be recovered onto paper,
Lost.
390 · Dec 2016
FTHC 1988
With the ears still ringing, the lights come up,
And the crowd shuffles drunk to the doors,
The haze and blare of the show is gone,
replaced with cigarette smoke
and chatter.

And as the last few stumble out into the fresh winter air,
each with their throat stinging from
singing too hard,
that moment is shared.

They all hold the memories of a few hours,
Where nothing mattered but
honest angry songs and
having fun.

And in an hour, perhaps they'll all have headaches
or collapse, shattered wrecks on the streets,
but not one will regret that shared
moment of defiance.

A night of standing up and believing we don't have to
let the miserable world get to us.

An evening together, and for no purpose, and for only one reason:
Music.
387 · Nov 2015
Shadows make us lie
The world around,
Is filled with shadows,
With judging eyes,
And crushing hands.

I cower away,
And keep myself,
To myself,
Until it hurts too much.

And the darkness calls,
Corners me,
Drives me from truth,
Into lies for the sake of others.

But lies hurt too,
And they darken the mind,
Pull it apart with cruel confusion,
Until it's too late.

Don't be a shadow,
Don't make us lie,
Let us be ourselves,
And shine.
Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance, in memory of all those killed by hate crime, discrimination and suicide in the transgender community.

We don't want to lie about who we are, we want to be who we are.
Society makes us afraid to do that - let's change that.
387 · Apr 2015
More to her
Waiting in the afternoon
For her sun to rise.
Imagining those Texan sunbeams
Across her waking Texan eyes.

And hearing her voice,
Her laughter glows,
Warming me from the soul out,
The life in me, reborn, grows.

And crossing the ocean,
Strings of care,
Intertwined with worry,
When the other's not there.

And losing connection,
At the worst time,
When exchanged words are brightest,
Interference steals rhythm and rhyme.

And wishing her goodnight,
Whoever tires first,
Never wishes to admit it,
As we treasure every word.

And the most precious gemstone,
Couldn't half compare,
With the chill that rocked my heart,
As I drew her perfect stare.

And falling into sleep,
Smiling as I do,
As my dreams are filled always,
With the beauty that is you.
387 · Oct 2014
That day (Part 3)
She starts to cry,
I know exactly why,
But there's nothing I can do to help.

Her eyes look down,
To hide her frown?
Or to hide from my reaction she fears?

I can't see past her hair,
But I hear her despair,
As she pours out the depths of her soul.

How to respond,
To such a sad song,
That leaves me with no comforting words?

Tell her it'll all be fine?
She'll know that's a lie,
An easy escape from facing facts.

Nothing I say,
Or price I pay,
Will change the events of the past.

So all I can do,
Is tell her the truth,
And make a commitment of trust.

And try to repay,
Her trust on that day,
With a secret I kept in my heart.

The time she saved,
Quite by mistake,
A weak, blackened and crumbling life.

Finally I feel,
It's time to reveal,
How she rescued me from that box in the cupboard.

It can't help much,
But maybe enough,
That she'll realise what she's worth.

And in holding my hand,
Completely unplanned,
You made me happier than I've ever been.

But three words meant more,
Words I'd never heard before,
Spoken by another to me with honesty.

And I know that they,
Were hard for you to say,
After all that others have put you through.

"I trust you"
385 · Jan 2016
Marionette/Rubato
By the will of sleep's hand,
Dark evenings,
nights,
mornings,
Are a stage for the unwilling.

No mask will hide me,
My face brittle enough,
To serve as my glass-eyed martyr,
While blurred strings bind my wrists,
Lift my limbs to work.

Taught harsh by taut strings,
To pose in progression,
To dance to tunes the shadow sings,
And turn and twist and paint his expression.

But break now with dawn, my wires!
Release now your hold,
Let me wake and walk and dance alone,
To my own tune,
In my time.
382 · Sep 2016
Scratch the Tomb
I am the words on a tomb
Escaping my end
I am a crack in the room
That I won’t leave again
I’m a mistake in the womb
Afraid to repent
I am delaying the inevitable

I am the salt in the wound
That messed with your head
I am the already doomed
Who won’t go to bed
I am the coal consumed
To dispose of the dead
I am delaying the inevitable

And I don’t know why I’m clinging on
So hard that my fingers are raw and bleeding
And I don’t know how I’m keeping on
Going when my life signs are no longer reading
But I’m desperate to ruin the rest of my life
That’s already rubble and dust
So I’m oiling my electrics and recharging my joints
So the short-circuits can run through the rust

I will keep going long after I’m dead
I will keep coming back after the memories are gone from my head
So visit grave and you’ll hear my laugh
‘Cause under the dirt I’m alive
381 · Dec 2015
Cry for help
I cry,
I will cry,
Because I need to,
Because I'm hurting,
And there's nothing I can do,
To stop the pain,
There's no one to who will listen,
No way to be noticed,
No hope for change,
Each year a trek through,
Cruel brambles cutting my skin,
Thick mud slowing my steps,
A thousand stings and insect bites,
All to get back,
To right where I started,
And start over,
And start crying again,
So I'm sorry if I sound desperate,
If I sound needy or pathetic or weak,
But I am,
I am so desperate,
For just one,
Hint of progress.
380 · May 2015
No coming back
The hearts of the dead,
Beat, broken, in perfect time,
Until forgotten.
379 · Oct 2014
Sigh
Relief
Release
Content
Happy
Safe
Relaxed
Free
Accepting
Frustrat­ed


Final
378 · Dec 2016
Rooftops and rivers
Upon the hills this morn
a soft mist lingers
the haze broken only where
sunlight shines harshly on rooftops
and rivers.

A border of trees between our
clear skies and the gentle smoke
across the valley
here the air takes nothing away
from the beauty around.

Sheep graze, heads down
never pausing to look
unlike the birds, who take in all
they can with tiny beads
of eyes.

The clouds are moving fast today
in utter stillness they run
across my view until they are
gone. Or I lose
patience.
375 · Mar 2016
Tenebrae
Sat in the dark
Where someone grabs my hand,
As I ask and plea for truth.

As I pray for some sign,
Some hint that I'm going the right way,
A warmth in my palm.

As I shake and hide,
Someone holds me tight and takes me away,
From some imagined eyes.

As I'm lead from fear,
I unzip my coat and let it fall,
And step outside.

As I walk through the dark,
I see a single star ahead,
And walk towards it,
Away,
Escape,
Free,
With a hand in mine.
374 · Jan 2016
A whisper on my cheek
A whisper runs down my cheek
The touch of a single breath
A shimmering trail of pain it leaves
Upon my weary flesh.

A story falls from my cheek
Of fear and loss and empty cries
Its language is jumbled, its voice is weak
But tells still of evil and lies.

An ending fell to the floor from my cheek
Soaked in to my foundation
Faded now, no one hears it speak
Of my heart's lonely starvation.
374 · Jan 2015
In light of the fact [Edit]
In light of the fact I know you hate me,
Please refrain from your stupid game,
You've made it clear through years of torture,
That disgust runs through your every vein.

In light of the fact you know I'm lonely,
Please stop reminding me every day,
I don't need you to show me a new path,
If it's alright with you I'll just stay.

In light of the fact I've heard your crying,
Don't think I believe your act,
I'm fully aware that you feel emotion,
I was there the day you cracked.

In light of the fact you wish I'd die,
I might decide to do just that,
Would it make you feel so much better?
If my heart's line was finally flat?

In light of the fact I'm sick of lies,
Could you please stop going on and on?
If only you understood quite how hard it is,
To live when your trust is gone.

In light of the fact I've had enough,
Maybe you could leave me alone?
If you let me get on with my crumbling life,
I'll let you get on with your own.
374 · Oct 2015
More than manners
Sometimes,
Thank you means more
Than manners.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more,
Than it can be.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more,
Than the thousand fades,
And dull shades,
Of the sky,
Since my last smile.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more,
Than the comfort of home,
In a thunderstorm,
When I'm afraid,
But still just safe enough.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more,
Than years of running from truth,
Down darker pathways,
Leading to darker corners,
With no way out,
And not a shimmer of light,
Only to turn around,
And find a hand to hold.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more,
Than heartfelt moments,
Of inner musings,
With no relevance,
But still vitally important,
At least right now,
And enough to remind each other,
That we both care.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more,
Than unashamed tears,
Of relief or sorrow,
And everything in between,
That fall onto the shoulders,
Of whoever's arms,
I find myself in.

Sometimes,
Thank you can never be enough,
But most often,
That's when you don't need to hear it.
374 · Oct 2015
Lucy and Rachel
I met you today,
With you I am complete,
Relaxed,
Free.

I've been waiting so long,
But finally you're here,
And I'm happy,
Content,
Comfortable,
Me.
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