Kicked off computers,
Failed songs,
Drawing bees on arms,
Two sets of glasses,
Learning names,
Pulling out hair,
Confused by triangles,
Wearing white scarves,
Horror hangman,
Lighting techniques,
Stealing phones,
Trying to teach,
Laughing for no reason,
Creeping each other out,
Staying in late.

School - *"fuduckulous"

I'm tired, I think,
But a smile is enough,
Or a laugh,
Or a hug,
Or a single word,
And suddenly I could be,
Skipping to class,
With my eyes shining.

Waiting in the empty hours
The fading hours
When loneliness holds my hand
Hoping for different company
Or company at all

Waiting in the solitude
A multitude
Of memories haunt me
Draping themselves around my neck
And my thoughts

Waiting in the pointlessness
The uselessness
Of staying up later than planned
Praying for some purpose
To my dreams.

Waiting as I always do
Always knew
That I was in love with 1 AM
More than I ever was
Or ever could love you.

Once something starts moving,
It's hard to bring it to rest again -
One word can become a future,
Deflecting the course of truth.

Further and further we fly,
Off into the unknown,
Beyond knowledge and fear
Into some new light.

Or hint of a light,
That we wish we could see
clearly enough to know
We were going the right way.

Would it be so hard to open the door?
Would it be so difficult to let myself escape?
Would there be any loss in leaving this place?
Would I really mind if I could see again, rather than sitting here in the dark?
Would it make any difference to let my skin feel the warmth outside?
Would it be any worse if I was out there than if I stayed here?
How much would it hurt to accept the open air?
Would it hurt at all?
Maybe it would.
But I guess I'm getting desperate now.
So why not?

Five hundred days, I've written,
About whatever came to mind,
Or eye, or hand,
And some days I struggled,
To find new words, new truths,
New sights, new sounds,
New concepts or new ideas.

And sometimes I put it off,
(Like these words I write right now)
And said "I can do it tomorrow."
But I never want to give in,
For I refuse to admit I have run out of inspiration.

I never will.

Everyday I see new things,
From different angles,
Through different filters.

I will not run out of words,
For at least another half-millennium,
And by then, why stop there?

Hatred in his empty, staring eyes,
Thinks he's tough,
'Cause he always objectifies.

Anger sits between his brows,
Self-inflicted,
Brainless hurting, no-one laughing now.

Pointless venom drips across his tongue,
Waiting, bitter,
Until he's sure his bite has stung.

Sat in the dark
Where someone grabs my hand,
As I ask and plea for truth.

As I pray for some sign,
Some hint that I'm going the right way,
A warmth in my palm.

As I shake and hide,
Someone holds me tight and takes me away,
From some imagined eyes.

As I'm lead from fear,
I unzip my coat and let it fall,
And step outside.

As I walk through the dark,
I see a single star ahead,
And walk towards it,
Away,
Escape,
Free,
With a hand in mine.

Poetry is song
to the music of the mind,
to the drumbeat of the heart
and lungs.

Set firm and fast at first,
but lilting away
into distant dreaming descants,
infused with tears
and laughter of angels,
who do not know what they say,
or what it will mean.

Or chaotic
messes brought
Together
by
Lines and spaces
and pencil traces
In night coloured
leather-bound books
But not bound
to the page for longer than
a moment.

Poetry is song,
Played a thousand ways.

The blue of the day is muddied into grey,
Littered with smoky clouds,
Colour sapped from the world,
Reds and greens all become brown.

The sun runs out of steam,
Freewheeling into night,
Letting twilight take its hand,
And drag away the bright.

A brief hint of purple,
Before blue, navy and black,
Broken up with pinpricks,
Glistening, flickering back.

'We made it!' Comes the cry,
Our eyes flicker open as the sun rises,
The darkness finally gone,
The daylight growing.

We stretch,
Lifting our heads to look to the light,
Or frail arms and palms open,
Soaking in the warmth.

And soon our faces are filled,
With joyous colour,
Vibrant yellows, purples, reds,
All screaming with the excitement of a new day.

We hear the buzzing of insects,
Filling our hearts with hope,
That this year we will pass on,
The wonder of life again.

And every one of us smiles,
When we see children playing amongst us,
When we see new birth,
We cannot help but turn to the sun to say:
*Thank you

Numbers flying,
Filling my head,
When digits aren't the answer,
But words instead,
When randomness is ordered,
And certainty is dead,
When structure is creative,
And poems left unsaid,
Because numbers are not lifeless,
They're just waiting to be read.

A whisper runs down my cheek
The touch of a single breath
A shimmering trail of pain it leaves
Upon my weary flesh.

A story falls from my cheek
Of fear and loss and empty cries
Its language is jumbled, its voice is weak
But tells still of evil and lies.

An ending fell to the floor from my cheek
Soaked in to my foundation
Faded now, no one hears it speak
Of my heart's lonely starvation.

I met you today,
With you I am complete,
Relaxed,
Free.

I've been waiting so long,
But finally you're here,
And I'm happy,
Content,
Comfortable,
Me.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more
Than manners.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more,
Than it can be.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more,
Than the thousand fades,
And dull shades,
Of the sky,
Since my last smile.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more,
Than the comfort of home,
In a thunderstorm,
When I'm afraid,
But still just safe enough.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more,
Than years of running from truth,
Down darker pathways,
Leading to darker corners,
With no way out,
And not a shimmer of light,
Only to turn around,
And find a hand to hold.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more,
Than heartfelt moments,
Of inner musings,
With no relevance,
But still vitally important,
At least right now,
And enough to remind each other,
That we both care.

Sometimes,
Thank you means more,
Than unashamed tears,
Of relief or sorrow,
And everything in between,
That fall onto the shoulders,
Of whoever's arms,
I find myself in.

Sometimes,
Thank you can never be enough,
But most often,
That's when you don't need to hear it.

Am I no more than a stone in your shoe?
To be flicked away like empty wrappers,
Or used up batteries,

Am I used up?
Have I fulfilled my purpose?
My merit in your mind hit zero,
And plunged into resentment.

Is there no reason to keep me around?
Am I too much trouble?
Two genders too many for you?
Or is it just that you can't stand that I'm her friend too?

She does not belong to you,
So stop acting like me being near her,
Is going to hurt her.

But I guess it's too late now.

Perhaps I'm too young to understand,
Perhaps I'm a hipster,
Or a rebel,
Or an idiot,
Perhaps I see things from the wrong angle,
Perhaps I've been lead astray by propaganda,
Perhaps I'm just causing trouble,
Perhaps I'm insecure,
Or angry,
Or foolish,
Perhaps I get in the way,
Perhaps I don't think about the consequences,
Perhaps I make bad calls,
Perhaps what I say makes no sense,
Perhaps everything I stand up for is false and invalid,

But you know what?
I couldn't care less.

This place speaks in ink,
In pixel-perfect scrawls,
Drafts are in the past,
Replaced by a backspace
Key in a keyboard that plays songs
In words not sound.

Inspiration has no value,
Unless it makes you rich,
Who writes for fun?
No marks, no grades, for wasting away
Hours on crafting power,
Into words.

The language we've learnt,
Is disposable, recyclable,
Play-the-game cheatable,
Not truth but jumping through hopes,
No reward for moving forward,
Creativity by method.

Following some random impulse,
We bought and shared a piece of bread,
I had no reason to be there, or even close,
I'd already left once and come back,
What kept me from home, I can't say,
But my reward for illogical action,
A brighter night, a simpler night.

The world around,
Is filled with shadows,
With judging eyes,
And crushing hands.

I cower away,
And keep myself,
To myself,
Until it hurts too much.

And the darkness calls,
Corners me,
Drives me from truth,
Into lies for the sake of others.

But lies hurt too,
And they darken the mind,
Pull it apart with cruel confusion,
Until it's too late.

Don't be a shadow,
Don't make us lie,
Let us be ourselves,
And shine.

Dear God, mother and father,
You created every part of me, blessed me with a soul,
Filled my heart with love, the world with colour,
Gave me freedom to make my own way.

Mother, I do not understand why I was forged within this body,
Why a girl would be placed within this shell,
But you have made me unique
And allowed me to feel true liberty.

Mother, you surrounded me with love,
With people who accept me as your daughter.
Thank you for them, and support them,
As they try to understand.

I am sorry, Father, for the times I did not trust,
When I believed my being was a punishment,
For when I failed to see your light,
And saw only shadows instead.

Thank you, Father, that you were always there,
And your hand kept me from falling too far.

Keep me safe from those who would harm me with words,
Let their hatred be drowned out by love,
Protect me from those who would hurt me,
Let their anger be calmed.

Thank you, Father, that I know I am safe here,
Please stay close to people like me who aren't safe,
And give them a place, somewhere to escape,
Somewhere to live without fear.

Mother, I pray for the future of this world,
When irrational hatred has faded away,
But for those already cut down by hate,
Bring comfort to their families and all who stand with them.

Mother, I ask that their legacy be one of change,
That their deaths be the last, so that eventually,
We will have no need of mourning.

Bring understanding,
Bring compassion,
Bring empathy,
Bring change,
In the hearts of those who judge without reason.

Mother, your love has no limits,
It reaches beyond all earthly barriers,
Past these walls we build to separate.

Each of us is equal and beautiful in your eyes,
So help us to see the beauty in others,
And in ourselves,
Guide us, Lord, to a world where all stand together in love.

Thank you Lord, my mother and father.

Amen

I started out,
Young and free,
I saw the world's simplicity,
I played with my trains,
And my sister's dolls,
As my naïve self had not yet been told,
"These are for girls,"
"These are for boys,"
"Don't play with her's, these are your toys,"
And as I grew up,
Movies were seen,
And we made up games of what we saw on the screen,
No one, not once,
Noticed when I chose,
To play the characters who wore pretty clothes,
I was an odd mix,
Though nobody saw,
That this was just the start, so much else left in store.
Then STOP.
...
This bit's hard to tell,
It filled me with tears and sent me to hell.
Cruel fate decided,
To bring into view,
The one who caused more pain than I was due,
For six long years,
I looped and cycled,
Through pain, fear, regret and downright suicidal,
I stopped sleeping,
For fear of my dreams,
And reality began bursting its seams,
At the end of those years,
I prepared for the end,
I readied the way for me to descend,
Then STOP.
...
A message that saved,
To which I owe the rest of my days,
I started piano,
Remembered to write,
Made a film which turned out alright,
Played in a band,
For a year or two,
Visited Paris with the musical crew,
A girl I met there,
Became a best friend,
And showed me a website which helped me no end,
Then after a slip up,
We became more,
Now someone else for me to care for,
She persuaded me,
To try and write a book,
In a single month, with any luck,
Then three days later,
She ended our bond,
Breaking us up in music room one,
It knocked me off balance,
Shaked me up a bit,
But a few weeks later, my first real hit,
A poem a day,
I pledged to produce,
And through regular words began to deduce,
More of myself,
Revealed over time,
Mostly with rhythm, rarely rhyme,
Then another girl,
Came into the mix,
Didn't last long as the hurt wouldn't fix,
Then something happened,
I didn't really think,
In trying to help I made our hearts sink,
Then STOP.
...
I realised at last,
That there was more to me than I'd said in the past,
A second soul,
Of female design,
Is living inside this heart of mine,
My best friend then,
Gave her a name,
And so, to the world, I introduced May,
To my surprise,
I faced little resistance,
At least until I went the full distance,
I revealed to some,
Hid from others,
But worst of all, telling my father and mother,
One particular friend,
Supported, not judged,
And the friendship we had soon became love,
Of course there was,
More to it than that,
But I could talk for hours about her and "Hold Back",
Exams and revision,
Stole away my days,
All of the time started running away,
Then they were done,
And summer came,
They're finally here, those lazy days,
I'll be honest,
My life hasn't been great,
But I've got though it all and I can deal with hate,
So bring it on!
Let's add another page,
To the book which details my thoughts at each age.

No matter how perfectly they fit,
No matter how evenly I tighten them,
Something is always different,
Slightly,
It never quite matches up,
I always prefer my right boot.

Over their shoulders,
Round their waist,
On their heads,
Painted faces,
Badges, flags, banners,
On display,
Unashamed,
And even in the air,
Resting on the breeze,
Confetti proclaims our song,
Our word,
Our anthem:
Love is love

Opinions formed on popular belief,
Uninformed campaigns,
Self-destructive protests,
An anger born from hatred that won't fade,
Right intentions fall prey to tricksters,
Success assumed too soon,
Life boiled down to laws that need to change,
But people are set in firmer stone,
And even when their petty arguments and outrage
Is chipped away, they cling on to their rock,
Judgement, greed, distorted views,
Cling like limpets to a ship's hull,
And shallow words barely nudge at their shells,
Our minds are set too soon,
Stubbornness fills us like concrete,
Holding back generations.

Those nights,
they replay on the cassette tape
that runs through my plastic heart.

And as I listen I am pulling
until the memories
are ripped and torn apart.

And what is left gets put together
in the wrong order
and gets tangled around my veins.

Until not a single second means anything,
but sadness, tears
and confusion still remain.

And now just a single sound
is looped again
and again in darker shades.

So I'll listen to my old screams
and wait for the new ones (on a compact disc) to form.

Trudging through life,
In the midst of the storm,
Wading through water,
In wearing-out boots,
Grateful at least,
That my feet for now,
Are dry,
But knowing soon,
The water will rise,
Too high,
And I'll feel the cold,
Cling to my skin.

But then,
A smile, a splash,
Or something,
Will distract my thoughts,
Away from self-pity,
To the eyes of my friends,
And the never-fading,
Joy that can be found,
In them,
Even if they can't see it,
Themselves.

A suggestion of a flutter in the frail fibres of a feather,
Hanging from a whispered web of thread,
Is it breeze that disturbs the stillness?
Or perhaps the breath is that of a fantasty,
Ambitions painted on some hazy eyes,
Or songs woven in slumber,
Catching in the curves of a charm,
Gently nudging their way into reality,
For long enough to start the softest of ripples,
In a handmade dreamcatcher.

Oh! For those blissful days,
When all seemed fair and true,
When nothing died or perished,
And belief came without proof.

The destructive nature,
Of mankind's hungry mind,
Would be gone forever more,
Hatred would be confined.

Despair would never grow,
Fear completely crushed,
Pain ignored without effort,
Doubt finally hushed.

The sky would shine like rubies,
As the disk of bright gold sets,
The grass and trees made of emerald,
As all worries I could forget.

For a year I have slaved,
As slave to my pen,
Or to my words,
Message
And form.

But not as an obedient servant.

I struggle,
Grapple with my master,
My monster.
To break from tra-
-dition.
To scream -  I AM NOT A MACHINE!

I do not write out of necessity,
Though at times,
Perhaps I feel I must.

No, I write with a purpose,
Far beyond keeping up appearances,
Or challenge,
Or obligation.

I write with the soul,
My sole purpose,
To speak truth from me,
To you,
In the most elegant,
Precise,
Graceful,
Way this language will allow,
My overactive mind,
To create.

And how far I've come!
What truths I have fashioned from,
Simple things,
Birds, trees, computer screens,
All inspiration to me.

But each time I picked up,
That pen or that laptop,
I opened another door,
Another chamber,
Another corridor of my mind.

And in searching for effect,
Or metaphors or riddles,
Found more meaning than could be,
Conceived by a thousand scholars.

I found something far more precious,
Far more elusive,
Than any moment of awe,
Or wonder,
Or disbelief.

I found myself,
And I continue to find myself,
And it is my only wish,
That through this pen,
These words,
Message,
And form,
I could help someone else do the same.

This is my breakout:
The jailbird has lost her chains
She will not stay in her cage
For one more day.

This is our breakout:
The lady's not in the lake
She's fighting blade to blade
To make her own way.

I wish I could say this will be easy
I wish I didn't have to talk
I wish I could say things will get better
But they won't be 'til rights are rights for all.

The sky turned a grey shade of yellow
And the trees bent to the breath of the gods
The air screamed, as bark ached
And splintered and fell.

Rain turned to bullets, ricocheting from windows to ground
Secure became vulnerable
Heat became anger
Our sanctuary turned against us
We cowered and marvelled
At the power intent on our destruction
And took pictures of impending demise.

A cold sunrise,
Frozen sky,
Shatters in my eye.

Clouded breaths,
Crystallised motion,
Melted by emotion.

Our dreams span years,
Our hope lives for ages,
But a single look away,
And they are gone.

Our words are chosen,
Precise in their subtleties,
Yet so easily forgotten,
Now they are gone.

Our friendships are grown,
Constructed over time,
But connections cut,
The strings now gone.

Our lives are built,
Each on different foundations,
Slowly they crumble,
Until all evidence is gone.

Death is not the end
As long as memories live
Your story remains

How can I be there,
When not a single feather grows on my back?
And my lungs are not strong enough?
I cannot fly nor swim,
Such a distance without wings nor gills.

To me the stars seem closer,
As if travelling across light-years and back,
Would be quicker than to cross the ocean.
After all, neither can see the other,
But we both gaze at those distant lights.

Were I to fly or swim to meet her,
What would I say?
What would she say?
Perhaps it would not matter,
After all, for the first time,
We could marvel at the universe from the same angle.

And words would not be important.

I am host to another soul,
Separate and happier indeed,
Without her I don't think I'd be quite whole,
But I'm not sure where all of this leads.

May, are you me or just trapped inside?
Do you feel the same way I do?
Do you hate or pity me or can't you decide?
Should I have realised sooner I was restraining you?

Please don't blame yourself for what you didn't know,
I was hidden well, my voice came from below,
I was lonely, yes, and trapped within,
The empty forest I lived in,
But it wasn't your fault, I don't think, no.

I may not be you but we are sharing this mind,
And I think I feel the same way you do,
I don't hate or pity you, if you weren't here I know I'd die,
And it's not your fault, I hid away from you

Together, tell me it will be alright.
*Together, I know we can win this fight.
And don't ever doubt that I'll be here with you.

Am I strong enough?
Could I end everything I fought for?
Just for one last glorious,
Stab at the person I was,
The person I came to be,
The person I could never be but,
Taunted me so,
Close but sep-
-arated from reality,
Too perfect,
Too believable. No!

I could never be them,
How could I?
With my past as it is,
Tainted with betrayal,
Infused with fear,
Pain a part of my very core,
No.

I could never be them,
Never like any other,
My mind split like it was,
Never meant to be together in the first place,
All them around me never,
Understood. Never,
Tried to understand.  Never,
Changed, always the same.
No.

I could never be them.

I cannot comprehend how anyone
could be willing to destroy life
for no more than fear
for nothing greater than revenge
and less, unfounded hatred.
That anyone could even try
to shatter the future of children,
teenagers and parents alike
twists the mind.

I cannot comprehend how it must feel
to lose a child, friend or brother so quickly
with no warning and no chance
of escape from the crush of
uncompromising grief.
How to deal with the brutality
of a barbaric assault on
dignity and humanity with
nothing even close to closure.

I cannot comprehend how quickly
cheers turned to fear to nothing.
It hurts all the more
because we cannot say "Why?"
For fear of the silence.