you hold on to a bottle
the way you used to hold on to dreams
you sip and sip until your head starts swaying
and everything is not as it seems

you're on medication for the first time
and when it travels through your body you feel alive
"just one more pill" turns into a million others
the addiction kicks in, you depend on it to thrive

you sit alone in your room
and you sob and let your thoughts strangle you
you could choose to die or live; the world wouldn't care
no one could know exactly what you do

you kiss the mouths of ***** strangers
and let them touch you everywhere
you know this play is meaningless
but you're so hollow inside, you don't care

you're broken and you're lost
so far from home, you don't know who you are
but have you forgotten to look up at night
and see that what comes out from darkness are the stars?

my mind is a painter, thinking of colors in the form of stories and scenes
thinking about the brightest of city lights  
streets teeming with foreign language
people passing by with stories i'll never know
silent seas along the coastlines
mountains towering above us, old and wise
cabins in the forest with little firesides  
trains full of strangers to fall in love with
airports with people, greetings and goodbyes
postcard-perfect towns and friendly rivers
neighborhoods showered with pretty autumn leaves...

these are the stories painted in my head, the stories i'd love to paint with my own hands.
the places i'd love to see when i'm alone in my bedroom, the stories i want to see for myself.
and sometimes, i fear i'll never reach these works of art,
but with a brush and some paint, what's impossible?

The flying colors struggle to break free
But they're caged in my body because my mind tells them that
They'll only be seen as black and white
In this world painted by other artists
With better shades, different hues
The most fierce of red and enchanting of blues

And what am I to them?

I'm merely faded greens, dying yellows
The color of flowers that die come winter
Colors used and blended a million times over.

Because I was once a color that was never quite right
And I changed myself, mixed myself up
I threw myself around palettes like I was worth nothing
And now I don't know what I am.

My old friend, you've done it again.

You turn the lights out when I can finally see,
You stain my fingers with ink you use to write me letters so cruel,
You scream at me deafening words of hatred,
You let tears flow from my eyes without a sense of pity,
You point out my wrongs the way you like to pick the prettiest flowers,
You push me into the smouldering flames then you're in awe of the way I glow,
You slit me with a blade and watch the blood flow, you say it's as beautiful as waves dancing.  
And you do it, over and over again.

Believe me, I wish I could let you go.

I try to run away in the dead of night
To get rid of you, to forget you

You never seem to leave.
You follow me like shadows on asphalt,
You leave your traces in my favorite blouses,
You vandalize my bedroom walls,
You lurk in the corners I confine myself to,
You're in each window I pass by,
You hide under the sheets I sleep in,
Your sobs echo through my ears in the middle of the night,
You're in the mirrors I look away from,
You're in me.

You are me.

Tonight, I’d love to sleep
But the world screams again
Pointlessly, I try to weigh myself down on the sheets
But the chaos carries me away so often

Then it begins, the fire in my soul
I feel it fuel me then consume me
It ignites flames, illuminated and whole
But burns to ashes the nice things I used to be

And tonight, I don’t want to answer the phone
My heart says yes, my thoughts say no
I’ll keep to myself in the dark, please leave me alone
Turn the lights out but please don’t go.

I used to see the world in black and white,
A heart so tender, foolish fright,
My thoughts locked me in, I was afraid to dance,
Until you came, wild dreams and all.

You strut through sidewalks full of pretense and ambition,
Ink stained hands, wondrous eyes, smoke in the night,
I'll never forget your glimmering mind, devilish flare,
A prince who lost himself in city lights.

The pages of who you are were torn and faded,
I saw you pale in the dark, tears flowing from self-hatred,
Then the next second, arrogant and charming, you ran along,
Far from the way I tried to mend you.

I came too close to your flames,
You crept into my side at midnight then disappeared before dawn,
You drowned me with you then fought to bring us back to the surface
And tore me into pieces just as you did to yourself.

But through you, I've learned to see,
I'm illuminated with your visions, I sing your delirious songs,
Your colors poured into the scars on my skin,
But I've also learned how it feels to be alone at night.

I hate to admit I need you, I don't want you to leave anymore.
I circle back, dying to understand who you are,
You're alive in my eyes, the most beautiful but deadly of stars,
Yet the longer I gaze at you, I am blinded by the light.

It comes in waves
From the shore, your eyes look heavenward
The wind blows through the hollowness
The water comes in, creeping between your toes
As you don't know what is to come.

It comes in waves
At times, it is calm, cloudy skies and the breeze anew
Wisps of foam form the prettiest of shapes
The ocean is a calm mirror, reflecting the universe
It is silent, all is alright.

It comes in waves
The currents get stronger at times
The sunlight burns your skin so slightly
You move left and right, struggling to stand still
But it's enough to get by...

But the waters are unpredictable.

It comes in waves
Suddenly, huge tides arise
Colossal monsters of blue gliding towards you

You did not see them coming.

Your feet are buried beneath the dense sand
The day is darkness so sudden, no salvation in sight
You try to run, but instead you are fallen
Watching the tidal waves topple over you,
Consuming you,
Suffocating you,
Drowning you.

And there's no escaping.