pulsating underneath my tingling human flesh
trillions of red blood cells dancing and swaying
simmering underneath my dreary basset hound eye bags
flaming fire and desire born out of my own need for sleep
shaking are my cold and violent hands
while my body pouts that it does not get its way

if my physical manifestation were free
it would spend a million dollars on things it doesn’t need
if my legs broke out of their rightful imprisonment
they would dance until they were drenched in a sticky humid sweat

chains bound my wrists to prevent my imminent collapse
from the rush of a mind blowing high i did not endorse
i will sit in silence on the edge of my seat and wait
for the rollercoaster ride from hell to end

Do you promise?
Do I have to promise?
Why can’t you just promise me?
Why can’t I promise you?

Compounding compromise after compromise
Plunge unto the same mold and lose our eyes
Lose our ability to realize
I drift to you because you aren’t me
You don’t complete me but you don’t deplete me

After-surge, recharge
Electricity in your touch
A culmination of all you’ve ever felt, been through

And I fall harder through the floorboards of my arrogance
When your fingers fuse with the heartstrings
Reminding me without words
You’re easy to move around and I swim through you

Converge and compromise
God, I think your fingers should melt me down
Oh, they make some of my favorite sounds
Fusing with the heartstrings
Reminding me without words
That feeling is you
Do you promise I can have it too?

Compounding compromise after compromise
We pour unto the same mold
And lose our eyes
We didn’t need them anyway
I’m not me, you’re not even you
Release myself into the wild and swallow you
All we can be, drowning on the same wave
Holding hands to stay in parallel motion
Amidst all the commotion
Without eyes I can say I wouldn’t want it any other way
Converge and compromise with you

Order 90---
I am hesitant to get my tray.
I sit down, open the box
And breathe in fumes of decay.

You are greasy, thick, and full of fat---
Everything that disgusts me.

My body hates you.
My taste buds love you.
My stomach can't stand you.
I have to get rid of you.

I hover over the water
Seeing my reflection.

White porcelain haunts me
As I take a deep breath...

And let the sickness consume me.

I’ll be your crime scene
Break down the front door for me
Handle me with delicacy
Put on your gloves and touch me softly

Take me to the courtroom
Swear on your life for me
The truth and nothing but the truth
My heart’s waiting on the table

I love you more than anything

it is difficult
to live at the mercy of life
swinging mood to mood
craving some stability
to maybe make things alright.

I am a walking corpse---
A living dead girl.
It feels good to rot.

When I look in the mirror,
I enjoy the hollow figure.
It feels good to rot.

Some people don't like it.
Often, they fight it.
But for me---
It feels good to rot.

I feel alive when I'm dying.
I promise I'm not lying.
It feels good to rot.

every morning i wake up
i am 18, and an adult
constantly fishing for good results
in the steps that i take

everyone morning i wake up
i wish i were 9, and a child
so i would never have to worry
about whether or not i am worthy

tell me---
how can it be
that the world is so big
and yet i feel so small.

White Lily takes her white knuckles to bed
After sweet Lily spends the day locked inside her own head
Little Lily just likes to feel a little silly --
Intoxicated by the weight of words she never even said

Past, present and future
Shoot through the floor
Tying knots around her wrists and
White Lily takes her white knuckles to bed.

pack your bags and perch yourself
on the highest of stakes
overlooking the city and her scape
looking down you may find
that someone has taken up their charcoal pencil
only to draw cruel frowns
on the faces of those who claimed to love you
but never mind the unpredictable pathos of the mind
half a million miles away
the sun will threaten to blind
until the day that it dies
and who it catches in the snares of its rays
are left up to the fingers of fate
happy accidents, lucky misfortunes
they’re all just rocks on the path
that led you to today

a beautiful day
melting cotton candy sky
i wondered how i
ever wanted suicide
i am at peace with my life.

violently happy

i am with you

frightfully in love

i am with you

excitably childlike

i am with you

and lifelessly i lie in your bed limp and bloodied with my self inflected wounds

you shake me to wake me

but inside and outside there’s nothing but the red moon

it runs in the family---
emptiness of the heart
that swallows you up
like black ooze from the depths sticking to your limbs.

it runs in the family---
emotional fragility
resembling a crying child
who never learned how to not get her way.

it runs in the family---
emotional volatility
extreme highs and lows
like a rollercoaster ride from hell.

i can't run from my family---
it'll always be here
deep inside
a curse by blood.

i just need to step out for a minute
to bring back my body
to bring back my mind
time just needs to stop for a minute
and then everything will be fine
i just need a minute.

for a minute, i can breathe.
for a minute, i can think.
for a minute, i can feel.

after a minute, where do i go?
what if everything isn't fine?

time stops for no one.
get back in line.

drenched in the hollow moonless night

i see your gaze in the southern stairs of the distant stars

wildfire pulsating and impaling through my chilling heart



gracefully float in flight beneath the flashing lights

reach and touch my aching bony hands

gently lifting and entangling as we dance



pull me in closer towards the balustraded balcony  

dip me eternally into the starry night

while the world coats us onto its glossy acrylic canvas in admiration

forged into her skin
are bruises branded bright blue
she wept from the pain
like blood seeping from a knife
when will it all be over

You are my sunshine---
My only sunshine.
But even my sunshine,
Can't take this darkness away.

It's embedded deep inside my brain,
And I never learned any other way.
It is impossible to love darkness away.
It finds a way to always stay.

Even if love cannot cure sickness,
Perhaps it might joy you to witness
The bright smile on my face;
The result of your sunshine's grace.

drowning, drowning

7 stories high and i am drowning

the wind in my hair and the ledge

narrow, chipping

drowning

i am drowning

the sea of bodies gather

flesh screaming

rippled echoes pelting my ears

drowning

i slip

and i am drowning

drowning

Since I have met you,
My heart has gotten so full.
Please, don't let it burst.

cake, once soft fluffy and sweet, now covered in my own *****

i muster the strength to reach out with my sickly hands towards the flimsy paper towels to clean up my rotting mess

my aching body stumbles across the kitchen floor made of nightmares

no evidence is left to show at the scene except for that which resides in me

Anything at all, anything at all, is your friend
Brooding mind is a bending skull
Cry it out, cry it out, let it go
Don’t let yourself forget to know
Everything, everything, is your friend
Forgo your lies, forgive yourself
Grieving the death of myself
Celebrating the rebirth of someone else

I love you the way I love myself
I love you the way I love myself
I love you the way I love myself

taking life into my own hands and watching it slip through my fingers down the drain into the scene of someone else’s crime, broadcasted on television -- breaking news, from my shame to yours! now who is guilty?

burdened with illness, burdened that i should be michelangelo

shall i be caesar among men, living and breathing and creating superiority

shining sun gleaming moon glistening constellation, never dull

the void of the heart weighs us down yet shouldn’t nothing account for something

the dying beg to be watered and fed

the dying beg to be something

please, let us be something

I have done it again.
One hour in every ten.
I haunt myself---

I am who I have always been.
Pale skin and bone
Heavy feet, sunken throne.

Cursed crown;
A dream to meet
A nightmare to know.

Self-flagellation
Is an art, like everything else.  
I do it more than well.

I do it because I have to.
I do it so you do not.
Maybe I am a prisoner

Of my own mind.
Fine.
Let me be mine.

I am out of this world---
I do not expect you to understand.
The mutilation

Of the self.
Of the mind.
Of the body.

It is not kind.
It is not sweet.
It is not lovely.

But even when I unshackle my chains
You must know
It still haunts me.

the ghost of a dead dog lives inside my heart
when alive he grossly tore me apart
i tried to pull out his claws and teeth
maybe then he wouldn’t be so mean

it became apparent he needed to have his way
and his concubine i admittedly stayed
my body lie cold covered in teeth marks
his bite was infinitely worse than his bark

what he did to me i will never forget
i lived my life under a constant threat
now that he’s gone all i have left is fear
that one day again his presence may be here

my heart is cold and empty
and the dead body of a dog lies on the floor
when alive it thrashed and tore
and ripped open the flesh of anybody everybody
and me

i plied open his mouth
withstanding the sinking of teeth
i tried to pull out his claws
so that he wouldn’t be so mean
to me

he ripped away
and had his way
and i lie, covered cold in teeth marks
his bite was infinitely worse than his bark
i see

i close my eyes i cant forget
that night and brutal threat
even though he’s gone
i live my life in fear
when will the fog be clear?

Dead end!
Hands in the dirt
What did you find?

Throw out your clues
Stop wasting your time
On a world made of plastic and lies

Shooting the daffodil
The pleasure is all mine
Bang, bang!
And shouldn’t it die?

Bang, bang!
Above and below
From the sky to the Earth
What are you willing to sacrifice?