There are a million different ways to feel,
Pain and fear, before you start to heal.

Sometimes it comes all at once—
A punch to the gut, a kick to your shin.

Other times it’s like a haunting echo,
Nibbling in the depths of your mind — a soft bellow.

Late at night when you toss and turn,
It creeps upon you with a slow, aching burn.

If too much catches you by surprise—
You burst fast and bright, like fireworks against the night sky.

Try to control it and it fancies a little dance with you,
Little contractions to keep you on your toes—
slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.

Never mind the anxiety you try to hide,
That feeling between Fear and Pain,
It is Agony, but you can call it any other name.

We share words
You and I
Jokingly, mischievously and viciously.

We talk
You and I
Our conversation a dance.

This is what we have
You and I
We can never have more.

And that,
Is all.

Every Saturday it is the same
Every Saturday I sit
I stare at the ticking hands and wait
No need to tell me I've been tamed

As the seconds pass
I watch my reflection in the glass
It is a wonder, I think
That I still look the same as the second before that passed

Yet inside I know a little more has died
Each tick brings me one step closer
To where you have gone
To a place of peace and sound.

And one day, many years from now
Someone will sit and wait,
Looking at the face that is at once theirs and not
And remember the hour of my passing,
Just as I sit and wait and remember yours.

Before I turn old and grey,
And begin to fade away,
Hold on to me tight
So I won’t slip away into the night.

So I didn’t turn out in your image
I can’t sing I can’t dance
I can barely put a tune together
On the ***** stashed away
I have tried and failed
Again and again
Like a broken tape recorder
Echoing in a desolate house
I have become
A tattoo you can’t scratch out

I can’t read the stars
I can’t see the future
What I can read is what is in front of me
What I can see is this moment
All I can be is me

It’s a riddle to some
It is to me I admit
It sneaks up to me as I lay down
My head on my pillow
My brows furrow
Thoughts burrowing deep.

This is the fear,
The unseen,
The uncertainty, for all I know, may win,
Clawing it’s way up my spine.
I shut my eyes then snap them open
To remind myself I’m still alive.

I can’t wait
But I also can’t stop
The feeling of dread
That bundles and grows
As the minutes drop
One by one like lead.

When does it begin?
Or better yet, end?
When will it come?
When will it go?
It’s one of life’s riddles -
I just don’t know.

So I lie in bed and wait...
The ticking of the clock my only mate.