words on paper.
it's simple.

but for some,
for me especially,
it's more
than words on paper.

it's feelings,
storytelling,
a way to express
your opinions

it's everything to me

so yeah,
it is words on paper
but it's more than that too.

i don't remember
when i gained consciousness.

i don't remember
when i started to
really feel things
and become a moody
teenager.

i don't remember
much of the years before high school.

just the key memories.

that kid that once asked
"why is that tree naked"
as the leaves started to fall
off of the tree.

my first true best friend
who once gifted me
a quartz crystal --
fake or not,
it  meant a lot.

the teacher i had
in grade four
who made books interesting
for the kids who got bored easy.

the last thing i remember
the most
from those years
would have to be my old house.

i haven't forgotten my last birthday there.

i turned ten,
i got presents the night before
and i saw my grandparents the next day.
i ate my favourite cake.
two big slices for turning double digits.

but the rest?
i hardly remember.

i don't remember my first concert.
i don't remember all the birthdays before ten.
i don't remember all the laughs.
i don't remember those forgotten
and special memories..

i want to.
but i can't.

they're just a blur now.

at home
head in my cell phone
staring at words
on a white background,
scrolling endlessly.

scroll.
          scroll.
                     scroll.

"just one more --
then ill sleep."
what lies!

i keep staring at
these words
that keep appearing..
love
       people
                  quiet
loud
        soul
                ­ left
time
        silence
                     felt
hurt
        ­ regret
                     sapphire
seldom

poem after poem.
i can't stop reading.
i can't stop writing either.

"just one more!
for real this time!
ill go to bed i swear"

12:11am
          12:13am
                    12:34am
   ­                           12:59am
                              ­          01:10am
                                               ­   02:33am

"ill go to sleep now.
i swear. just one more."

and it's dawn
all of a sudden --
the sun starts to rise.

and it's morning.
a new day,
but im still awake.
staring at the words on my cell phone.
reading one
after the other,
then the next.

i miss your gaze on me!
i miss your voice!
i miss your hair!
i miss the way you'd walk into a room like you owned the place!

i miss your stupid face.
it's so dumb!

because i didn't hurt you.

it's the other way around.

and im still recovering
from what you did.

why do i miss your stupid face?


... i don't know.
don't ask.

i miss it.
i miss you.
i miss us.
i just miss it all.

i know i shouldn't.

but i can't help it.

... i miss your stupid face.

don't push me.

i can't do it
for a reason.

im terrified.

i hate confrontation!

can't i just.. deal with it?
silently,
quietly,
as my heart
twists in pain,
my lungs
slowing down
every breath i take.

i can deal with that.

to keep us friends.

i don't want to lose you..

yes you may have
talked about me behind my back,
made fun of me to my face,
pointed out insecurities,
embarrassed to be infront of people i love,
hurt me physically --
not just emotionally.

but i can't lose you.

you're one of my closest friends.

even though
i know
it's all a fake.

you hate me.

i still can't
lose you.

my body won't let me.

there's this need --
in my heart..
wait.
no.
it's my soul.

my soul is the one
that has this
need..
it's oh so strong
and keeps returning.

there's this
deep ache
and craving
for the physical touch
in a way
i don't get everyday.

my soul
craves
to hold someone
in a way
thats indescribable.

my soul
craves
to be held
by someone
in a way
that makes me heal
from inside out.

it's not even
manageable anymore.

it's taking over me,
the feeling washes over
in red and blue --
craving more
and more
each time.

im stuck.

im right where you left me.

in that room,
where we once got too close
and it was like
time stopped...
just for us.

im right where you left me.

in that garden,
where we laughed too hard
and started to cry
and it was like
the world stopped spinning...
just for us.

im stuck in those moments.

the ones that silently mean
the world to me.

the ones i write about --
sometimes inbetween the lines.

hidden between the letters.

im stuck.

im right where you left me.