im not sunshine and rainbows.
im not little miss smiley --
im not the quiet kid
you think you know.

im not whoever is in
that little messed up head of yours.

im human,
im talkative,
im sad sometimes,
other times im really happy...

i can dress how i want
and when i want.

i do not have to
adhere
to your standards.

at all.

i can be who i want,
and you can't change that
because im not who you envisioned --
im just me.
and im allowed to be.

im trying so hard
not to hurt you
or burden you.

i don't want to cause you
unessacary stress
or extra anxiety
worrying about me --
and if im okay.

when im not.

but i say i am
just because
trying so hard
not to be
a
burden.

first days of the month
are scary.

it's a fresh new start..
again.

its a time
and reason
to make a good impression
on the new month.

what new goals do you have?
what new affirmations are you telling yourself?
how many books are you going to read?
how many words are you going to write?
are you really going to start working out?

because you always say
that you will
and you never do.

you're lying to yourself.

that's why the first
of every month..
is scary.

a new
and fresh start.

again.

love is a tricky thing to navigate.
to find the right people --
your people.

the ones who love you
for you,
and love you
endlessly.

it's not always easy to find,
you might not have a group
of some
like others.
but a few is enough --
more than.

you just need a little bit of love
in your life,
and you can find it
anywhere you go.

tell me why
i cant seem to find
a distraction
for my mess of a head.

tell me why
i cant seem to find
an antidote for my tears
that never stop flowing
out of my baby blue eyes.

tell me why nothing ever works.
not one smile can change my mood.
not even sleep can help.

theres nothing that works --
and i crave for something to,
but it never does.

not one antidote,
not one solution,
not one medication.

it's too loud.

every thought
stop talking, you're weird
in my head
they don't listen
increases volume
louder. louder.
by the second.

it's getting too loud.
too much.

am i too much?

different shades of blue
represent different things to me.

that beautiful baby blue
that you see
on those instax polaroid cameras
reminds me of concerts,
my friends,
and the colour of sweetness.

the bright blue sky --
it's such a gorgeous shade
one that reminds me
that the world is
a massive place
and there's plenty to explore.

that deep navy tone,
one that's usually found
in the night sky
or those dark wash jeans --
the ones shoved in the back of your dresser.

that particular shade
reminds me of loneliness.

im not quite sure why,
but the night sky is a big place,
home to more stars than we can count.

it must feel lonely up there --
dark,
with no one around.

the sky really is the limit up there.