Mother doesn't want a frantic beauty

So I've been thinking.
I love you.

Okay but you all really expect me to go to school from the age of six all the way to 23 and then just jump into a full time job like hello?

You've got me feeling
Some sort of
Something.

I haven't felt
The way that I feel about you
In awhile

It makes me happy
And scared
And it fills me with
Hope
And
Eagerness.

And I love it.

So thank you

I am
Experiencing
This
Phenomena

Where I am ready and willing and
Safe

I feel the capacity
Within me
To move forward
To pursue
To advance

Simultaneously
I watch myself
Dream for tears to fall.

To feel
To express
To experience
The loss that has felt
Far too safe
In the pit
Of my stomach.

See my face,
But listen for the voice that begs to be
Set
Free.

Did you know
My love
That I am doing quite well?

Did you know
My love
That I am punishing myself?

Did you know
My love
That I am quite unwell?

Did you know
My love
That the sight of you
Causes me
To bleed?

Did you know?
My love?
Did you know?

This love for you
Is floating above me

No chance
Of me
Pulling it
Back
Down

As I allow
My heavy arms
To lay rest by my side
You puppeteer
Them up
Around you

my god aren't you
lovely

You can't always
Move on
From trauma.

Sometimes
You simply
Build up
Tougher
Walls.

Please send good thoughts my way
Today is a hard one

I suppose
I don't write
As others do.

But you see,
My work is from within.
Real
Raw
Riddled with bits and pieces of
Myself.

"You're so ******* ****"
After she got done ****** me.

"Hey you up?"
4am from a man working at the liquor store I frequent.

"If you weren’t such an *** tonight I would’ve liked to cuddle with you"
A bartender at my regular bar.

"Hey I'm not complaining. You can beat my *** anytime."
An uber driver after I jokingly said I would beat him up. He was a retired police officer.

"Come on. You never even gave me a chance!"
A close friend of 3 years who was upset that I started dating someone else and not him. He didn't talk to me for over 2 years after.

"Seems like you're taking whoever's available at this point."
My manager after I disclosed to her a **** that happened to me days prior.

"Come on, can't I just get a hug?"
A stranger in a bar.

"What? What what's wrong? Come on."
A man in a bar when I wouldn't drop the fact that he had just stuck his hand on my **** and between my legs.

"Well you have to be careful that you're not flirting or being too nice to men."
My father after I told him about an uncomfortable situation with a bartender hitting on me.

Do not call me babe.
Don't call me dear
Honey
Sweetie
Love
Do not touch me.

I am not
For
You.

We're going to be
Okay.
We
Will
Be
O
K

Just breathe
My dear.

Breathe
Breathe
Breathe

Let me
Help you
Grow

Allow me to
Swim within your gaze
And
Lay rest upon your lips

I've found that
I don't seem to mind
This book I'm trapped in
Anymore.

Each turn of the page
May be out of my control.

New chapters often
Surprise me.

But I choose the way
The reader
Feels
Me.

And the end of the story
Welcomes me.

Don't want to
Be loved
Just want to
Make love

Death
Doesn't seem
So bad
When you're
Killing me
With those
Eyes

Is
Anything
About
Me
Anymore?

She's
Just
So
Lovely

Waking up
Can be
Terrifying
When reality
Is chasing
You down

Disappointment
Floods over me
As I
Look
Upon
Myself

Here
I'm not
Here
I'm not
Here
I'm not

I am much more frightened
When I feel
Nothing
At all

Than when I feel
Everything
At once.

Listen.

I know you're moving on.
You have every right to be and it's none of my business anymore because
//we're not together//
Anymore.

I never cared in the past.
//I've never felt sick.//
I've never lost sleep.
//I've never lost all feeling.//
When previous
Exs
Moved on.

But you were the first.
Of everything.

To me
You were my everything.

First real love //First real ****// First real heartbreak //First real loss//

You
Were
My
First

And it feels like
Everything
And
Nothing

Now you're gone.

And I crave that connection
//And I ******* hate it//
And I fear it
//And I search for it//

But

Without you

All of life
Is
Make-believe.

"Like what are we I don't understand because you're still here calling me love but you're not?"

//I’m sorry I shouldn’t call you love I guess that was habit.//

"But I love you"

I just wish I could cry.
And scream.
And yell.
And throw up.
And shake
Uncontrollably
Until I
Vacate
My
Own
Body.

Because you've touched
Every inch of it.

These hands have memorized the way you move. My feet, giddy to see you. Eyes flash open each morning to yours.
And my lips.
They want to come home.

But
You're
Moving
On.

I suppose so am I but

This is the first time
I've had
Trouble
Letting
Go.

Her kisses are on
Other people's necks now.

So I guess I'll just ******* die.

Missing you
In
Silent
Sobs
And
Shakes.

I am doing
Well.

Learning to
Love
Myself.

Spending time
With
Me.