I love you so much, that I think you’ll hate me
When I **** in trying to be helpful
Instead I get into **** that’s none of my business
When I hesitate to tell you something
I wait days, or till the last minute
And ******* the devil would be scared by your anger
You make me go higher, get stronger, be kinder
But...is it just because you expect me to?
I can’t breath, air too hot for my lungs
I feel anything but disgust at myself for being a mistake
I can’t see cuz of these tears
These ******* ******* tears
I love you so, so, so much
Yet, your love makes me afraid of you
Cuz I think I’ll never deserve it

Throat burns
From nothing but screams
Headaches
When working like a machine
Fingers curling for a barrel
Unknown if it be for *** or roulette
But I ain't no alcoholic
Not yet
For I just let my skin **** it in
Makin ****** Marie's look like papercuts

Heartless *****,
Got no soul to love

Heartless *****,
Parasite feeding in our skin

Heartless *****,
Don’t worry they do love something
That something is themselves

Heartless *****,
spiked their life bringer into a flaming can

Heartless *****,
watching the world from a cave.

Heartless *****,
sleeping with friends.
No benefits attached.

Heartless *****
doesn’t care if you like them

Heartless *****,
actually delighted they’re messed up

How about you keep you’re mouth sewed shut
and tear out your larynx.
Words from that useless hole are hollow.
Manipulation your mistress
Depression your *****
You take
  and abuse
    and lie.
Just chose one or the other you-

Heartless *****,
Stay quiet, behave.

Heartless *****,
do they even have a name?

Heartless *****,
It’s still beating in the trashcan, cold.
I am that Heartless *****

Goin down
Drowning out the sting
Salt water leaks
Burns like holy water
Not just from the cuts in my skin
In my spit
My eyes

Kept the straight jackets to make my masks
****** stitches, most favored gloss
Demonize pill popping even though it keeps the ******* behind the gates
Those ******* taste horrible with *****

Instead of getting **** faced to forget the artificial praise
Just throw em to the sea
Make sure it's the dead
Sleeping with the fishes and the girl I used to be

Better yet I’ll jump in hoping this is just a dream
Either its me dying in now or waking from vivid nothingness
But will it even be my own bed
His bed
Her bed
What the **** are these stains

Option 3: choking on thread and barfing up empty stomachs and swallowing my pride
Playing with fuckboys like a rejected barbie doll, a hallow head growing rhino horns
One hell of a drug
One hell of a *****
Pitchforks not hot enough to boil off plastic flesh

Next thing to bleach are the eyes
Can’t stand her disappointed eyes
My eyes
Hellbent *****
Reflecting vanity in broken glass
What the point for a window with no soul
Divine Frankiestien
That's  monster I’ve become

No

The monster they made me to be

1 2 3
That's all this to me
456
The number of times I try to go to sleep in one night
8 9 10
They say counting helps you fall asleep but just keeps me up
1 2 3
Let's try again

Silence

That’s what you wanted
Just accepted silence
Just desired crying
Just no more defience

So why the **** do you want my voice
The ironic song bird wedged down my throat
You just want to hear your name screamed out
Whimpered out
Begged

I’d say ******* but you’d take it the wrong way
That or it won’t even reach past my new blue gloss

You want me to speak up now? Well you’ll get it, yet don’t blame me if my voice goes hoarse. My eyes bleed tears of forgiveness when looking disgusting and captivating as I screech like a banshee . With snot dribbling down my chin. With split ends visible in my wooden mane. With eyes turned muddy the unplanned forecast for blood thirst and depression

Like how about I talk about those long nights at McDonald, or when you sung lullabies that implanted insomnia, or the icy touch of your frostbitten hands looking for warmth and all you found was me. How about those whispered words of , “ I really like you.” Cuz four words are worth so much more than three. Each held more meaning than the last as if they were your last breath as you plunged inside me with dagger-claws. Yet I loved it, ****** I loved it! I loved being your barbie doll.

But were they even true

Were all the nights we stared at one another with clamped together hands just the darkness in your coal eyes wanting my spark. My bite. Was it just so you could see if I could be yours. Only yours. I left so many scars on you and you to me, and you told me you loved them. Your fingers would trace my stories I engraved upon your temple. But none were proof enough of how you ****** my mind up with yourself. Made me worshiped like a false goddess undeserving of your praise and love and soul and eyes and ******* I’m back your your dead ******* eyes even when you blinked to show you lived.

You knew I never loved anyone before you. Never held hands before you. Never had any lips besides your cracked ones trying to imitate a desert to trick others of nothingness that you’d whisper only to me. Never told a man nor woman that they were my first of everything before you. I was a tiger lily and you a ****. And you took it all away you ******* hypocrite!

You knew before I could even say wait. And I loved you for it, I still fuckning love you for it cuz I am a *****. My heart never beats when you aren’t around. I never needed to speak, you were the source of my puppeteer voice I used when other’s worried about something.

Yet now you want me to tell you lies. Tell you who hurt me

‘You’

Tell you who used me

‘You’
Tell you who ******* broke me down to a sniveling, worthless pile of ash

‘You’

But instead of telling what was reality I played within your almond flavored fantasies and blamed everyone but you. For no, never you.You, you, you, you, you. Rigamortus won’t stop my hands from grabbing your shirt as I slowly sank to the ninth level of hell.

BECAUSE IT WAS YOU GOD ******* ****** MAN
YOU DID THIS TO ME
I WAS AN AURORA SUNSHINE YET YOU ****** ME DRY
TILL ALL THAT WAS LEFT WERE MONOTONE CLOUDS
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SHOVED YOUR HAND INSIDE ME
AND REPLACED ORGANS WITH STUFFING

YOU DID IT
YOU DID IT
YOU DID IT
YOU DID IT

You're the reason
I slit my throat
******* my vocal cords.
Sewn shut my lips
It's no surprise I was thrown away
Like a broken doll

It's funny you see?
When you're choking you should see the irony
Ain't I the one that needs to hush up

I deal with my emotions like a deck of cards

Cut them in half
Pull the pieces apart
Seperate them in groups
And throw them at others
I won't know if they'll get a hand
Or maybe a fist
All i know they are playing a game
None will win

They see me as the woman that's in control
The leader
The couragous
The strong

But the leading also need to folloe
The couragous knows fear
The strong can fall to their knees

They see me as a woman that's in control
When really only my friends keep me in one piece

Mr. Aliby
Where were you last night

Oh Mr. Aliby
You thought you were air tight

Oh, but you forgot one lil thing
I ain't your toy
I am my own being

Mr. Aliby
Where were you last night

Oh Mr. Aliby
You've been caught red-handed tonight.

Thought you were clean
And that you'd get away
But the thing is tonight is your last day so say bye bye

Mr. Aliby
Where were you last night

Oh Mr.Abily
Now you are mine

Now I know I like guys
I know I only have a relationship with one
But that doesn't stop me from feeling something
Something that a heterosexual shouldn't feel
I know I am a female both of my *** and my gender
And that's all I'll be seen and all I will be
But that doesn't stop me from feeling something
Something that a cis girl shouldn't feel
But if these are true and Who am I
Am I wrong of who I know I am?

I saw a ray of sunshine
She sung to me like I was the sun
Nestled within her arms of Autumn yet to chill
Sweet scent of lavender and mint as she exhaled
Silver strands of silk
Morning dew kisses
Her heartbeat still in my head
All I ever had needed

I saw a ray of sunshine
She seemed colder today
Yet the smile is what pushed me to rise
Higher, Higher
Until I needed to come back to their earth
So, we forgot the pain she felt
Ignored the way she griped my hand
The warmth still there
Still strong
It would be better in no time, right?

I saw a ray of sunshine
She slept at the cusp of the summer noon
Mouth wide open
Ready to say I was hers
That no one would ever be able to take me away
Alas, she said nothing
And yet, I understood

She broke a promise
Maybe once or twice
But it is forgiven
For the second was only the wind whispering to me
She wouldn't of known
The way she sighed sent chills down my back

I saw a ray of sunshine this morning
But it's not her
To be fair, I can still smell the lavender and mint
I can still hear her voice
Her heart
But this was not her
The arms that held our autumn dropped all the leaves
Dew dried from the drought
Yet they were all soaked from the salty rain

I remember when she was gone
The clouds must of taken her away
Not out of cruelty
Only to take away the ignored pain
I'm sorry for moving on
Before I could tell her that she was MY sun

Alas, she had already known
This always helps me stop
Remembering
That I was actually the light
She, the one who guided the way

I am me and no one else
I am strong and weak
I am courageous and afraid
I tell the truth and lie
After all I'm only human

But I am NOT only human
I am me and no one else

Deep inside you know
Everyone else can't see it
Possession of a monster in you
Repression is only one of its forms
Else you would of kicked its *** by now
Steals away your passion
Stalls your creative mind to a halt
Inside your heart you know
Only you can truly **** it
No one else should be bothered to know

When I'm departed
Leave not the scars of my scars
Upon your eyes nor brain

When I'm departed
Forget not the way my hair reminded thou of a lion's mane
Nor how eyes of winter bark is of the lamb

When I am departed
Even as you burn down the corpses’ temporary sanctuary with hellfire to allow me the will to fly
Even as you hear the crackling of marrowed fuel
As I am laid from dust to dust to the sky

Do not forget my words
Do not forget my unspoken lyrics
My voice may be gone but the memory
The letters of my life paint the history
Of who I was
Let these pages live on
Even as they yellow like dying grass
For only then, when they are dust as well
Only then, will I be gone

Our window is an ever changing frame
Left to its own devices
It never moves from its placement in our old home
Yet never shattered once
On good days, nothing but the ticking clock is disturbed
Those days of silly arguments we forgot
The moment the ice cream man begun his serenade
On bad days grey inkblots would erase that baby blue
Forcing cabin fever down our throats
At the loss of movie night
Yet there are the nights you sit alone, lost in the races
Between short lives of the rain cloud's children
Nights where you join the portrait's current mood
Our window is an ever changing frame
Capturing each moment of our existence
Replacing your trace

Open me up as my pages are still being written

Tales of happiness and sorrow
Rises and falls
Love and loss
It is all give and take

But also, it is a tale that no one can copy even if it ends short of a happy ending

For this is my story
My life summerized in one book

See me
You can't see air
Yet you breathe it in your lungs

Feel me
You can't detect your skin
Yet you know it's there

Hear me
Like you can't here the whistle
Yet the dog still howl in pain

Why can't you sense me
I'm right in front of you
You look at me,  no
You only look through
You can't feel my heart beating even as it pounds chest
And when I scream you only hear
Silence

I am here
I am real
I can breathe
I can speak
I exist

Yet you... don't know me

Are you the queen of hearts
A human filled with anger at everything and more so herself
One who disposes those who makes mistakes
Much like herself
Just so she knows no one will ever try to hurt her
But she’s already doin that

Are you the white rabbit
Who constantly checks the clock in their hand
Tick tock tick tock
Soothing the fear filled heart
Must not be late
Must never be late
And runs away from the real world
Where the party awaits

Or are you the Mad Hatter
One who gets high of his poison
The thing he says keeps the sadness away
That sanity is outdated and overrated
After the mad kinda people are the best to befriend

Well, by now, you should probably know that if you labeled yourself as a character from a fantasy world
You are already mad.

For I'll give you a Cheshire grin
Twisting words like vines
To make you think of me as friend or foe
And disappear within the background
Never letting you see past my facade
My smirk the last thing you’ll see from me

But truly dear children
We are all Alice
Lost in her mind and her soul
Falling through the looking glass for our vanity made us try to look the part
Try and label ourselves and everyone else: Queen, coward, addict, puppeteer

If that's your wish
I won't impose on your story
Your little wonderland
But know it was you who made your title

The static wraps itself around
my throat like silver wires
Beating on themselves to force
out a ****** tune
Simply to write a score
To scorn my troubled mind
Scorching my self hate
on the dotted line

For truly pain is a watermark
none can hide away
on this marred canvas that is I.
Stained and plastered
in confused brush strokes of youth.
As if to truly define
the meaningless
The adoration
for something I'd never feel.

No, no veins weren't drained in
vain of life and
left to wilt on the window sill

yet still I'd claw into myself
and search for a world I can
Capture on film
To have a choice whether to
corrupt or delete
Or drown itself in whiskey
and car horns

Reverberating it's cords
And their fingertips
Across fifty shades of cracks
Guiding my hands
Clearing my mind
Starting once more

I am a piece of work
Incomplete

I wish to hold your hand in a feather light grip

A dream of butterfly kisses on each others cheeks

A want to hear " I really like you" from your lips

After all, four words are worth more than just three

But even though I may still only be your friend, your laughter and smiles directed at me still makes my heart skip a beat

When I see you after a long time I want to just wrap my arms around you and give you a tight hug, but I feel such joy from just a high five

And when ypu compliment me on my art, my writing, my being me? Oh how I wish I could tell you how I feel without the anxiety sewing shut my lips

That's why when we say goodbye, I'll still think " I really like you." As a friend...

And something much more

I walk this road
Unpaved, Unknown
That only I could see
So many paths that twist and turn
But only wish to guide me
Where do I go
What is the right path
Will I find my ending
That does not matter
I am my own map
My own sun in the west
And moon in the east
I walk this road
And no one will ever mislead me

"Tis better to love and loss, than never to of loved at all"

But you cannot just sweep the flooding feelings of lonliness on your soul from trying to consume you

You cannot act as if you never cared for a person more than you have ever yourself

You cannot forget the butterfly kisses or true words filled with love directed towards you and them

Tis better to have loved and loss, then never to have loved at all?

No

that's why I'm afraid to be with you