Why is it
that every time
I believe in love
it spits in my face

How is it
that I trust
and I give
and I understand
and get no respect?

"I understand,
It's okay,
It's alright,
Just don't do it next time,
uh huh,
I believe you,
this time".

The skies are sad today,
the sun shows not its face
to welcome my flight into
its skies.

Grey clouds and wind,
most unwelcoming
as I make my journey
to the Northeast.

I can't escape my thoughts of you,
even on a plane,
as I fly away,
my future as muddled as the skies,
as ambiguous as a paper cup
in the midst of everyday humdrum.

I watch the people,
bags in hand,
headed to loved ones
in foreign lands,
and it calms me a bit to know,
that even though there will be snow,
and ice and cold and wet,
that there will always be a sunset,
another day put to rest,
another time,
another place,
another unforgettable face.

It hurts

to be in a world full of people
and still feel so alone

Friends and shallow conversation
lackluster meaning with a crave for more

I want substance
Depth

I want to pick up the phone
But I know I shouldn't

Fighting that pain in my stomach

I can't help it

I can't do this.

I need to get away.

I'm not sure 100% of the time.

I don't know what I want.

Impulses drive my decisions.

Impulse after impulse
like wave after wave of
Neverending small pulses of electric shock
Just enough to keep you on edge.

Tick, Tick, Boom. Tick, Tick, Boom.

Twitch Twitch

Eyes bloodshot,
No sleep.
No satisfaction. No happiness.
Bah humbug.
Only scrambling to fill the void.

Scrambling, trying to fix,
Trying to cope,
Trying not to disturb the delicate border of
Hurt.

Moving from one quick fix to the next.
Hurry, Hurry. Or you'll feel the pain.
Faster, move faster. Don't stop now or
It will ***** you again.

It'll catch your heels and make
You trip and fall
Skin your knees and hands.
Get up, now run.

Scrambled, Scrambled,
Brain tattered,
Scattered messages,
Mixed and garbled

A calm face. A calm expression.
Calm mannerisms. Completely
without symptoms.

Or so it seems.

Laying on the floor Lying in wake
Waiting for the Blank
that will not come

Can't find the words
that express my face
It's all inside this shell
of Blank_

Dictionary aiding the soul
but is burned in translation
A darkness that fufills the rose
and is Blank devestation.

To express
To create
To release
To share
To unburden
To Blank__.

The sour taste
of bitter company
Teeth clenched
Tongue held
to preserve the
somewhat peacful
lie of a setting

A good time
While stepping
around the eggshells
like a minefield
of emotional explosions

You know that one will explode
you just don't know when
Hoping, feeling guilty for the hope
that the explosion will avoid you
and fall onto someone else

The smell of dinner
sustained silence
small talk
strained smiles
Happy ******* Thanksgiving

Ambiguous sky so full of color:
Your rosy complexion mocks my pain,
Driving along a winding serrated edge,
waiting upon the precipice of disdain.

Disdain for all the wrong reasons,
dulled by the sense of an ache,
Riddled with unspoken treason,
wanting it all to change.

The seasons predictable in essence,
as is our merry-go-round,
With a circle change is impalpable,
It just ends where it begins,
In essence.

Fate thought a pliable substance,
no longer can be changed,
A hardened shell of circumstance,
a vivid truth guarding the way.

Though I can change my path,
the road to you is closed,
I cannot travel down it once more,
to be enveloped in your throes.

I cannot end this rhyme,
without saying something rash,
so I will end it here,
with an itch that will go unscratched.

Reaching
for the words to say
pulling them from
this black hole
of tempted misery

Tempted to call
hesitant to dial
closing the phone
in desperation

Writhing and twisting
with aches that persist
and **** with delicate intent

keys pressed to my fingers
my words flow out of me
into this medium of
electronic space

Not from my hand
do my words come from
but my mind, my pen
a useless old friend that
is neglected beside me

An overwhelming wave
of ocean sweeps over me
crashing in on my thoughts

On the cusp of a revelation!
the wave pulls back out to sea
lost in the translation of the water
mixing spitefully to muddle my
epiphany, my fleeting thought
lost in an ocean of feeling

One hand grasping onto the shore
gripping at the sandy surface
with nothing concrete to hold on to
Thrashing away while I dig myself
a hole in the sand that deepens
by the second

Digging my grave I weep,
the sand mixing with my hot tears
as they stream freely down my face
making mud

A muddy grave I am doomed
to lie in,
to be reduced to a pile of nothing
that gets washed away,
swept up in the
ocean of emotions

The pain that pricked
me so curiously...

Not an aching or a throb
but an all out assault
on my stomach
a nagging
a stab

An insistent ****
in my side
the side I cling to
when the pain is too much

The side you laid your hand on
to tell me it was going to be
okay

But 'okay' only suffices
for the mind
and does not ease the pain
caused by this thorn
in my side.

Its slippery surface denies me
the ability to pull it out,
and I have not the resources
or the will to remove it.

Somehow I've become accustomed
to this stabbing, unsettling sensation
and as a developing *******,
It seems that I like it there.

Like a friend when no one
is there to listen
the thorn is still at my side

Willing to listen
as it buries itself deeper
for a long chat

As a beloved growth
now a part of myself
if I ripped it out,
I too would perish.

Therefore, it lives with me,
in my side,
along side me
aiding me with grief
and providing a
bit of its own.

I feel like:
I'm yelling
at a brick wall
with my hand
over my mouth

As if I were
to remove my hand
that it would make a
difference

but it wouldn't

You still wouldn't hear.
You would continue to
talk AT me in that
condescending tone

arguing with you
is superfluous
you just think you're right
arguing logically
with an illogical person
is illogical

and when you are
backed into a corner
you yell
and then claim
to be hurt

in an effort to gain
an apology
UNWARANTED

You stomp your feet
and slam things down
on the counter
like a five year old child
and expect me
to take you seriously

And when you walk
into that door
and accuse me of
the stupidest things
then expect me not to
"get an attitude"
it ****** me off to no end

That's why I shut off,
Mother.
That's why I don't talk to you.
When I tell you to leave me alone
because

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

it means that I don't want to hurt you
by saying these things
and that I love you,
but I hate dealing with the way
you handle situations that you don't like.

It's not fair to the other person
because you
Barrel through their retaliations
with senseless *******
that only makes sense to you

and if no apology comes,
you obsess until you come up
with this ******* conclusion
that is over-thought
and entirely untrue

I'm not pregnant, you idiot.
And just because I don't want to talk to you
doesn't make whatever is wrong ABOUT you
and don't make it about you.
because you do. all the ******* time.

You still treat me like I'm ten years old
and you have this assured power over me
you want to take back the presents you bought me?
fine. do it. I'm not materialistic, so all it proves is your
pettiness.

I wish you could hear the malice dripping in your tone
aimed specifically just to hurt me
thanks, Mom.
I appreciate it on my BREAK.
But it's not a break with you
******* at me 24/7.

I can't wait to go back to school and
be stressed out there instead.
At least I don't have to worry about
hostility when I'm in my own room.

And by the way, learn how to knock.

I just want to hold your hand
and walk among the tall grasses and weeds
to that place that you took me before
while the wind blows up against our bodies
and we breathe and step forward in unison

The tall grasses swishing, brushing against our legs
activity of those around us humming in the background
children laughing in the pool,
birds calling to each other in the air,
the sloshing of the water against the embankment

And I look to you and all I see are those sea green eyes
Crystal blue on some days, mossy green the next
And I lose myself,
melting in those dazzling pearls of intimacy
When you look at me with them,
it feels like you see into my soul
knowing every part of me all at once

Then I look away, blushing
because your gaze is so penetrating
that I have no way to respond
without seeming foolish
because you have struck me speechless

All my feelings for you reflected
in the red glow of my cheeks,
I cannot hide from your gaze.
No. Not from you.

As you pull me on, hand in tow,
I feel like I could float like this forever
suspended in time and space,
the world outside melting away
as we dance without music

Your smile embedding itself onto my face
cozying up for a long stay,
my face starts to ache from the muscles of my mouth
not being able to relax,
but I cannot stop smiling

As you clear the ground
I watch you carefully brush away
possible bumps and uncomfortable seats
and motion for me to sit next to you
on the spot of ground you have cleared for me

I plop myself down serenely
My body folding into yours,
your arm wrapped around my shoulder
My head resting on your chest

Peaceful dreams come over me
and as we harmonize
the water becomes a bay
and the spot we have taken up becomes the dock
and as we sit upon the dock of the bay,
we watch the small ripples,
assuming they have a tide,
roll away into one another.

We sit on the dock of the bay
and waste time

Trying to find the words
that will mend the hurt
To smooth the pain
to render wisdom
and understanding
into a soft salve
to rub onto
the open wound

Wincing
as you turn away
reaching out for you
but recieving
a single,
over the shoulder
glance
and a slight wave

as my stomach
tightens into knots,
several bound together,
squeezing the life out of me
the vivacious thing that once
made me as colorful as an
Andy Warhol print

Smiling with joy
twisting with sadness
oh what a tangled
Massive
web we weave

Wish that you could be here,
I'm having a bad day
the walls are closing in on me
it seems that they will

Stay

In bed, no sleep at all,
The things at night
that crawl and crawl

GO AWAY

you crazy ****,
I'm stressed
and I can't deal with it

Why won't this darkness leave me be...
It has to, right? Eventually?

Darkness, Darkness, go away,
come again...
wait, no, please don't come back.

This ache it has no reason,
no rhythm to the beat
it keeps winding me in circles
and I'm losing all my

Heat

up a bowl of that spaghetti,
left over from last night,
sit and cry away your fears
away from their sight.

Why? I feel like I'm on
a sick merry-go-round,
'Please sir, I want off now,
I can't see the ground'

'Spinning is all that I am good for,
if you want off dear,
well, I must implore...'

'Implore me to what?'
so scared and alone,
suddenly I hear a telephone

'Pick it up' says the man who's a blur,
'It could only be good news it could only be...'
'Sir? Sir?!?'

The ride is going faster,
I cannot go on,
I think I may be fainting,
'It's not that easy, hon'

'What? Hello!! Please help and stop
this crazy ride before I hurl'

The man laughs cruelly
as I twirl, and twirl and twirl

My tears slapping at my face
ricocheted off my cheeks
the horses are all staring
my knees are getting weak.

Holding to the pole,
I fall down on my knees,
Why do I have to do this,
I just want one last meal

Please make me better,
I hate this right now
Please make me
me again

'That I cannot allow,
See what I'm here for
is to keep you stuck,
rolling around
in the dirt and the muck.
To keep you off-balance,
it is my sworn duty,
it is my regret
for you are a beauty.

'You might have been nice
to marry, but my advice
is that you just sit tight
while the merry-go
Runs,
and maybe your sentence
will be expunged'.

I can't stay here
I really can't,
so I jump

This thought that refuses to leave
an unwanted raging lunatic
tearing at my soul

You are a bug
eating at my flesh
and you refuse to die
I squash you
I burn you
I spray you
and yet
I cannot sleep

Because  I know somehow
somewhere,
you will find your way back to me
and ruin my life all over again.

Daemon,
Purring animal that aids my hand
Coursing through my blood as
I attempt to dominate the page
with blank ink:

No pencil,
No tape-recorder,
No pen,
It is going,
It is going...

You cruel temptress
Who mocks me on a whim
or insatiable creativity,
that imagination
that explodes with vibrant imagery
when your back is turned
and the camera is off.

Scrambling like a father
urging their child to
"Do It Again"
Forced to beg the imagination
to allow me into its folds,
on my knees in utter
curious desperation:

No *genius am I,
but to be with you,
I seek.

Wild poets stylizing
beating the drum that must be heard:
Call from the depths that ancient heart beat,
Fill that genie ***: a word.

Snaking, Smoking, Slithering,
abundant with passionate lashing,
Tongue in cheek, match the beat,
Feed our hungry hatchling.

Unnerved by the dogged inaccuracies
Plagued by the sources that know,
Round about they seek the truth:
No further they must go.

To create a straight and narrow path
Out of the circle you must come,
Raised a glass anew,
Darkness must be overcome.

Nay, Nay, Nay, Nay
Faith is naught with you,
Belief comes from a higher power,
It is not your job to rescue:
For I am not lost.

On the hill where our *father lies,
Under a breadth of dew,
he lays there and he testifies
that he saw the King of the Jews.

Find the beat again,
Is it there, Charlie?
Do you hear it in your soul?
Rattling the cages of time,
you seem so very controlled
and you still have
a very long way to climb.

I am holding something,
this thing inside my hands:
It's soft, it's molded,
and it's melting
like little grains of sand
Struck by lightning
and turned into glass

Happiness blazes but
it never can last

It breaks so easily
so, fragile, so pure
with the slightest tink
its fate is ensured

Carrying it ever so carefully
as if it were gold,

Love: a golden love so pure
That my hands,
my tainted hands would surely
stain its beautiful luster

I try to keep it in my palms,
but the liquid just seeps through
It seems to have a consciousness
and I feel its feelings, its pain,
its gloom

I'm trying not to hurt it
as it hisses and burns
my hands

Scalding them as the liquid
screams in terror
that it has been altered,
tainted, unpurified

It hisses that I'm burning it
as it burns me in return
We understand each other's pain
but rendering assistance
is just too much to take

The blisters on my hands
The mangled skin,
the tears
hissing as they fall into
the molten, golden liquid
turning it a dark shade of
blue:now a puddle on the floor

Tears that stain my face, Trickle their way
down my cheek and neck,
Resting on my palpatating delapedated *****

Mending the cracks and sealing the wounds.
They stare, wonder, speculate,
let them.

Hot gazes, a flash in the pan,
A gaze to distract, to dispell
to intoxicate, to forget.
A shallow drop in a dry well of tears
Emotions like a cloud over the well,
Grey and ominous with the promise of rain

Rain rain go away,
Come again some other day,
Some other day when you won't see,
This shadow of my former me.
Tears trickle past my heart,
leaving a trail from begining to end
from my eye to my stomach.

Glistening paint that covers the holes
But does not fill them.

My stomach touched by the tears has an adverse reaction,
Does flips and kicks that would make an acrobat jealous to the core
my chest heaving with sobs of wretched,
sobering gasps of shocked air

I can't do this. I need to stop the self-destruction.
I need to regroup, regain control, and stop.
The clouds shake and thunder rumbles,
threatening to release their heavy load.

Rumble, wave after wave,
a crack of lightning,
a release, a temporary reprieve
then a following panic, confusion
as I realize I'm IN the well.
the well is not a well of tears,
but an endless wall of brick crushing me
as a constricting snake,
slowly feeding off of my life until I am no more.
As I awaken, I trace my index finger lightly across the stains,
those stains that stain my pillow, and drip black,
burning ink on my heart.

Oh what those tears could heal and tear that
I might be torn in half and sewn up again
one final time
to let it be finished.

And then I made a conscious
Decision
to eat my pain to fill the void
Friends don't matter
Expression devoid
of the emotion
that I thought I had
an invitation?
None to be had

Not for me
and it always
Has to be
Me. to initiate
a line of invitation
to communicate
or else I don't go
I don't get to see

the real colors of
the friends that I thought
I had next to me
I see that time is of the essence
essentially,
I am the only one left

I can hang out with my guy
and the shadows that haunt
me at night when I sleep

My guy's amazing,
but other than he
Who do I have?
Nothing but a ridiculous
Boundary
that I cannot seem to cross
They've drawn the line
and laugh at the loss

Friends, ones that I thought I had
I'm screaming,
they whisper that it's all in my head

Fate it seems

Controls the motion
As I glance your direction
You smile
I smile


My body seems to
Gravitate into your orbit
As it pulls me so irresistably
into the spin that brings me
closer to you

As your arms reach out
Our fingertips brush
My breath stops
Time stops

Looking up
into those eyes
that are the color of
the waves in the ocean

Feeling the radiance of warmth
provided by your smile,
your gaze,
your arms
your hands

Feeling
for the first time
since we parted
safe

Nothing can hurt me
as you hold me
I feel no pain
No remorse
as you soothe away
my fears

Only the most subtle
of motions
You know me so well--
as your hand moves
in circular motions on my back

You whisper
the words I need to hear

From you
They mean everything

Rejuvinating my senses
my awareness
my sense of life
Color returning
to my world of grey

The world returns to me
now in three dimensions
Reality, not so harsh
but with a tint of understanding

You complete my sanity
Knowing who I am
not through holding your hand
but through
how you help me percieve
to see

Taking the blindfold off
and stepping into the
blinding light
of clarity and sharp vivid
pictures

Picturing myself
with you
is what keeps me
grounded until
I see your
face again

At your will
a bend to your word
twisting and turning
all the while unheard

Silent and mindful
Slipping so sure
to fall and fall over
the timing absurd

Rendered a puppet
whose movements secure
grotesquely twist
and move all the more

Tangled and Twisted
Arms all bound up
Hands tied and jilted
Time to back up

Moving my legs
but they do not move
the control you have
is not willing to soothe

The heady headway you
seem to have had
Haven't I given enough
that I have?

Tug me this way
Sway me that
Pull me up
Push me down

This motion I can't control
I watch as you drown me
Outside of my body
as you **** me slowly

Watching as I softly fade
Cheeks flush
Tick
Tick...

How is it
that whenever I'm sure that you're the one
that you run in the opposite direction

How is it
that you always seem apologetic,
and I believe you,
but the actions never support the claim

How is it
that when I call on you to talk to me
for five minutes
you can't find the time

And yet you say you love me.

How is it
that I pour my heart and soul out
for you, and you understand me
but you break me afterwards

How is it
that I am so happy
when I am with you
and never want to leave
but the moment I go
reality comes crashing in
How is it
that every time I try to trust you
my face is the one
that ends up stained with tears

And yet I still love you.

How is it
that we keep coming 'round
to this same ****** circle
and don't get anywhere faster

How is it
that my heart beats only for you
and yet I feel
like I have been thrown
naked onto the street

And yet you say you love me

How is it
I can feel it in my very core
that what you say is true
and yet your actions
make it not so

How is it
that I progress and mature
and you have done nothing
but back peddle
in my absence

How is it
that I can take this
and still love you
more than my heart can bear

How is it
that I dote so heavily on you
and would end my life
to save yours
and still feel
the cold burn of inconsistency

I wave hello to myself
reluctantly, expectantly
but my image turns its back
Walking away
as I reach out for it
it shakes its head

I call out to it
it walks faster
Two steps away
Beside myself
with lonliness

A shadow of my former self
a dark, hollow shell
of what I remember to be

My hands unfamiliar
as I lay me down
on unfamiliar ground

The unfamiliar feel
of my palpatating *****
in my chest
the sensation of the air
grazing my body wistfully
carelessly unaware of
my state

Me

Hey You!
I turn to see my reflection
glaring at me, feiry and
passionate

It's not about you
Try looking outside of your
own scope and
listening, watching, feeling
other people's
emotions, thoughts, sensations

And maybe you'll understand
And I will return to you
and I will be able to become proud
of the individual
We
will be

And with that
I blink
and I am gone
and then engulfed
in a silence so complete
that silence itself shudders

Recklessly abandoned in your gaze
as you turn it back to me
As I am wrapped up in
a woven dream of intimacy

The cloth smoothing over my skin
like the scented oils that
bathe me in an intoxicating smell
of deep golden ecstacy

Moving close
so close
to the cliff of temptation
So hopelessly drawn to
the edge

I know once I step closer
I'm sure to fall in

Abating my senses
Tantalizing my mind

Teetering on the edge
Rocking on my heels
on the precipice
in my mind

Biting my lip as
I close my eyes
and Jump

It used to be that when you were gone

I felt the pain
the tug of your presence missed
through the tips of my fingers

to my eyes
to my heart
to my toes
to my bones that ached
like the dull ache of a healing
broken piece of your body

My whole self
was thrown into this
wild abandon
A flurry of disjointed
waves of emotion
that never ceased
to sting and ****

Into the cold
without a coat
my feet bare
on the wet,
freezing ground

As I hug myself
there is no one around
to see, to feel,
people are present
but no one is there

They walk by with
selective sight
tunnel vision focusing
on what they must
not see,

Anything
to avert eye contact
with the freak
whose feelings
are difficult to comprehend.

I feel lost without you
sometimes.
At others I feel liberated.
Those are the times
that I do things
that I should regret,
but don't.

I refuse to regret anything
that makes me who I am
at this moment.

However,
Sometimes,
I wish I would learn
from my own messy mistakes.

Falling
for the wrong guy
is kind of my specialty.

If you would like advice
on the subject,
I'll be writing a book.

No, I won't.
Books take too long,
That's why I resort
to verse

That boy,
that man rather
I like him.
It is that plain to me.
To him, I'm not so certain.

But this turmoil in me
from you
causes me to pause.

and think.

It's too hard to have hope
when you can't see through the fog,
When you turn around:
you can't see anything at all

It's too hard to burn a candle
in the cold and slanted rain,
There are too many raindrops
and only one flame

It's too hard to see you crying
when I can't stand the pain,
there's too much hurt inside me
the feelings that you've slain

Indescribably infallible

a vault of secrets kept gaurd by the walls of my memory
a picture of innocence sustained by the secrets that are inside

A Pandora's box of gross testimony
shaded in by the lines of worry on my face
a small undisturbed box of calamity and fear

Unguided and unaided,
My own decisions staring me in the face,
Unsure if my own self can sustain,
let alone stand the problems of the world.

My shoulders alone cannot bear the burden,
But I have already accepted the responsibility
So I must carry the weight and imperceptable sadness
of others so that they may flourish in place of me,
so that they may blossom while  Iwither away into
age that is beyond my years.

Quietly, in solitude, silence, packed full of secrets that
threaten to tear from inside me like a demented child from a womb,
with claws so sharp as designed to rip me open and bleed out my sympathies.

Getting quieter now as I back away into the corner that I have reserved for myself,
A somber face with the perilous, treacherous things of my past and the past of others contained in a box inside my heart.
A ticking time bomb.

I am on the edge of what I think is reality
Somewhere between a suspended state
of illusion, and the backlash
of shattering, sobering, breathtaking truth

It's on the tip of my tongue
and I can taste the faint, sweet, dull
sensation that
I think is the sugar coating

I have to break past it,
see past it,
taste past it
Like the black coffee
beneath the layers
of milky sugar and cream

To somehow break it apart
seperate the black, bitter, reflective surface
from it's murky counterparts

Banging on a one way mirror
I can see myself
but what lies on the other side
is a hidden,
mass of intimacy
hiding and masked

masked, as the taste of sugar masks the
bitterness of my coffee
as I drink and ponder
the wonders of my universe
and why I am able to type these words
and yet not have any grasp
on whether or not they are real
if I am real
...

I think therefore I am.
Descartes put it simply,
but my thoughts are the only thing
that can be proven to be real in any sense
because they exist without me
because: in essence, I am defined by what I record
and I record my thoughts

So, the mask unravels
the thoughts unfurl
the mysteries of the universe tumble
intangible to this being who
believes she exists
on the brink of reality

It starts as a drop.
One single drop.
It spreads over the heated
Surface multiplying into many.

Before you can control it
Before you have a chance to
Stop the reaction
It goes without your permission,
The catalyst sparked.

The heat fuels it,
The oil flavors it,
The salt encourages,
And it bubbles.

Turn down the heat?
Not yet.
Let it simmer,
Be patient,
So it builds.

Just let it be,
Watching it won't help
The focus,
Until it boils.

Snap and release,
Relax and let ease
Into the boil,
Into the heat.

Plump and soften,
Ripe to eat.

I lean back
against your chest
warmth spreading through me
as I feel your arms pull me
closer to you

I feel myself melting into you
Folding into the crevices
until we become
One being
One soul
One love

Shake it all up
and put it in a jar
and maybe then
it won't get as far

Down
deep into me
these feelings
that I try to bleed out
naturally

through my tears
salt-ridden and ragged
This thing is eating through me
like putrid little maggots

It's like an acid
eating away
at all of the love,
rot and decay

I'm not me
anymore can't you see?
I'm an empty shell
that you see on TV

Smiling

I fake it
like all the others
saying hello to you
not talking to my mother

Because out of everyone
I talk to
she would know
she would get a clue
to the fact that
I seem to be different than
I used to

Be,
To be or not
to be merely in existence
suspended in space
the gravity is affecting me
pulling at my face

Pulling it down
into this permanent
frown
I can't look up and I can't
look down
at the ground
at my feet
that don't feel sound

I wobble,
and I can't stand straight,
there's a film in my eyes
and a limp in my gait

I'm ill
I don't know the disease
but what's even more sad:
I don't know the cure

Never know

how much I need until
I get just what I want

And I never know what
I want until it's
already gone

Never knew that
it was you
til you knocked on
my door

Had no idea
Didn't have a clue
that it was you I was
looking for

Then before I realized
what had happened
You had disappeared

Now what a shame
What a cryin' shame
for me to realize
so late

But that is fate
Baby that is fate
that's how it plays your game

My mind is a current of wave after wave of jumbled thoughts and mumbled words
Not knowing how to interpret, how to cope, how to breathe.

Breathe.

I Must Breathe.

Can't breathe, for there is no breath, no air to **** into my lungs, the harsh sting of water filling my lungs as I drown in my own misunderstanding. Pain and fear bind my hands and I cannot disentangle them.

My feet feel like lead a weight pulling my body down into the dark depths of the deep black abyss where my eyes that have seen little thus far, can see nothing.

Your words hold no weight, no substaniality in this impartial harsh reality of suffocation.

Gasping for air, swallowing more water...the world around me slipping away as my mind frees itself feeling lighter than the rest of my body.

floating, falling apart from the inside out, freedom on the one hand, and a saving grace on the other. both tied behind my back as i look up towards the impossible glimmering surface of the reality i cannot return to.
Help me ******. I can't do this. I can't handle this alone. Pull me out.
Rescue me. Be my hero.

I'm saying something about nothing
or is it the other way around?
Am I staring at the ceiling
or gazing at the ground?

Round and round in circles
is all I ever go
My schedule ever changing,
and I don't know how to

SEW

Back up the pieces
The ones that I have lost,
Maybe there's a line:
One that I have crossed.

Maybe I did nothing
but something's what I've done
I'll never know until I stop
and I can't stop
because I have to

MOP

Up all the slices
of a life I left behind,
I think I might be crazy
But I'm not out of my

MIND

Your manners,
Do your chores,
Catch up on that homework,
Patch up all your wars

Never ending,
Always going,
It's not even
slowing down,
I think I'm gonna

HURL

My cares unto the world,
I just don't give a **** anymore

I'm saying nothing about something,
or is it the other way around?

This poem goes in circles,
but to this poem I am

BOUND

To end up somewhere
Where I feel that I belong,
It's just so hard to trust these days
when you just seem

WRONG

Is what I seem to be
Every single time I speak,
They always tell me what to do
And never twice to

THINK

I'm saying nothing about something
Switch it around and you will see:

Even though they call me
"normal"
I will only
be able
To be

ME

Haunting me in snow motion,
All on the breeze that set me free,
Floating, Drifting, Flipping, Twirling
All of my kinetic energy

Brings me to my knees
Taunting me, there's
no way to know if it's
Testing me,
I shouldn't be scared...
Should I be scared?

A Whiff of Candlelight,
Sulfur Burning in the Night--
The Shift in Shadows--Slight,
The Will of the Flicker
Getting Thicker and Thicker
Makes Me Start to--
Waver
Take that
Tumble
No Use
Aiming
Start Proclaiming
Your Name in
Reclaiming
the Energy
that Washes Over
Me--the
Potential,
The Reverie--
It's Potent--
It's Haunting Me.

It has been raining
For so long that
I have grown accustomed
To the sound of
Sloshing puddles
Being tossed around
By the traffic outside
My window.

Inside my bedroom,
Laying in the pitch black
With nothing but a
bright, white screen
In front of me,
Squinting as I listen
To the motors and
The sloshing puddles
Trying not to think
Of you.

Even breathing
Next to me,
The sky lightening and
Illuminating the tapestry
Over my window that
Mildly mutes the sound
Of the sloshing and
The motors as I lay
Trying not to think
Of you.

Facing the edge,
A corner of the covers
Covering me,
I feel exposed
And not because
I'm naked and the blanket
Doesn't cover.

The shadow breathes
Sighing next to me and
Rolls over taking more
Of the warmth with it.
And I'm cold.
Not because of the covers
Or because I'm naked.

I need you.

The motor sounds and
Sloshing puddles are outside
My window and if I focus hard
Enough I won't cry as I try
Not to think
About you.

The gentle gesture
of a kangaroo eating
out of the palms of your hands
cupped just so,
hands beneath just holding
your hands there
trusting you to offer
a favorite treat.

I look over at you.
The look of adoration
stuns me.

It's not that I'm surprised,
It's more that you look at me
like I'm a wonder, an enigma,
Some precious strange thing
to be protected
and loved
and cherished.

A moment captured in time
You lean up behind me and
the picture is done and we
move on.

You are my gentle love,
the honey in my gaze,
the caramel apple of my eye
the happy ending of my days.

Your sweetest company
a mystery unfolded,
an adventure enfolded
into laced fingers
and bodies
folded
skin against skin.

I give myself a cheery wave,
I deserve a good start at least.
This time is more confident, knowing, loved.

This time
The reflection stays and basks
in the warmth of the love reflected.
The smile is calm, accepting and comfortable.

What once was a shell
has cascaded as it rolled down the hill
gained momentum,
picking things up along the way,
gaining speed and ******* soaring.

Shell no longer, my bounty is full
and I couldn't be more grateful.
My insides are starting to match
my expectations of my outsides again
which feels good.
More than that--I feel like myself.

Heya friend!
I call to my reflection.
Her eyes crinkle and she smiles
throwing the peace sign,
Then she gives me a serious look
and points to our heart
and mouths:

"Protect It,
But Don't Waste Your Potential.
Go Love. Be Loved. Be Love."

She turns to go,
But over her shoulder she turns
and says:

"By the way, I'm proud of you.
I'm proud to reflect who you have become.
You deserve all the happiness life can bring
and all the sadness that sharpens the joy.
Now the goal is to experience everything,
Take it all in,
Don't take any of it for granted
and worship life.
Love and worship really living."

My reflection doesn't leave me,
Even when things are rough these days,
I have learned a lot in days numbered, years, decades,
I can't reclaim my youth
but I can avoid its mistakes for my own sake.

This world is scary enough right now,
People sowing the hatred that snuffs out light
That breaks the glass of shops and places of prayer
and homes of people
who just want to be able to live their best lives,
my hopes for the future dwindle low
but my candle still burns,
and with a thousand candles
and two thousand feet
and ten thousand fingers raised
maybe someone will see
maybe it will cause change?

What will it take?
I hope violence isn't the answer.
I have a family to raise.
A life to live.
In the community I want to make friends in.
I don't want this,
But I have to be a good example
To the generations who come and will
Need. Good. Examples.

I feed my reflection positivity now.
I feed my reflection ferocity and the willingness to speak up.
I feed my reflection hope with motivation to enact change.
I feed my reflection the willingness to accept flaws.
I feed my reflection patience to understand others' perspectives.

A few things have changed though.
We hardened up a little bit.
Around the block a little bit.
I don't put up with narcissist *******,
I handle myself with decorum but push me
and I bite back,
Verbally. Don't talk to me
as if you already know me

I have friends and you friend
are not a friend so go back to
Your friends, this conversation
Is at an end.

What feminine people go through
while you can come out stronger,
it takes a lot of tumbling to get that
gem nice and shiny.

Starting a new chapter,
Me.
I think we've made good choices so far
that led us here.
There are some weird bumps ahead,
But I think with the support of partners
and loves and lovers and friends
We will help each other get through this
Fighting when we have to,
Leaning on each other,
And never forgetting what we're fighting for.

If I will it,
Will it?
Mold it into the shape of kisses,
Send it on the Winter wind,
Will whatever it wishes.

Stop in time,
The snowflaked memories of my mind,
Zoom in past the reflection of the sign
That we passed and then doubled back.

Wind up Wind down,
Rise up, Slow up,
Follow the tug,
Follow the pocket square,
Dressed to the nines,
Am proud to be with ya.

Zoom back out,
Push through unshoveled snow
Push through the front door
Push into my arms
Pushed against the wall.

Stop in time,
This moment is perfect,
Nothing could change it,
No way to frame it,
Remember it hard,
Recall every detail:
His smile, his beard, his coattails,
The bits of snow left on his coat still--
because the moment he saw me we were On.

The feel of his coat against my skin,
Breathing in the smell of him,
Then we tasted
Each other so close under the covers
We made it
About each other and for one another
Our bond reached out and shook us
And there was nothing to say when it took us
We both knew
You knew what I knew
We both knew.

Now when I send tiptoe kisses
You feel them.
When you send me your embrace
I feel that too.
I can hear you in my heart and it sings back
Whistles back a callback or two.

We only have time.
We have memories to align
With our presence,
Stamp our mark.

The energy of us
Leaves an imprint
Like ghost tiptoe kisses
And ghost long embraces
Ghost hearing your voice
and the timbre and warmth
Just as present.

I couldn't be happier
Except
If I could will it,
I would will it--
So that we don't have to sustain on
Ghost tiptoe kisses
and ghost long embraces
Anymore.

I found today
I scraped my knee--
Hadn't realized it had
started to bleed--
The cut was shallow but the
blood flowed slick,
and stained the shade
of my lipstick.

I try my best,
It's all we can do,
Messy as being a
Human is,
We all have faults--
We all have sins.

The song of laughter
Brings us in,
The tears of loss
cement us--
and it's all the
strangeness
weirdness
quiet
In between
that makes us
whole
Makes us
Seen.

I see you.
I see it in you.
The beauty and
the heartache. The mess
and the intention,
The skill and the folly,
The breakdown and the
Refinishing.
I see it in you.

I wouldn't change who you are
for anything.
You could never be anyone else
and I wouldn't want you to be.

That's what he said to me.
My love, my hope, my fluidity.

There is a stillness
In the deepest
part of the night
When everyone
has gone to sleep:
even the cat.
I can hear her
dreaming
in the silence.

Stretched out paw
She reaches out,
Knowing she's safe.
Knowing she's loved.
Knowing she will
Never be abandoned.

I changed to get here
Under the heavy blanket
of eleven thousand nights
of stars.

Did you see what they saw?

Why do you think it's red?

The silk I drape you with,
I forged in heat,
In fire. Blisters,
Boiling flesh
Give way to
Soft hands
&
timeless debts.

I will never stop
Struggling,
Reaching
Working
For Humanity
to be able to
Live Abundantly.
Live Fully.

Be in the Moment--
Wish I could erase the fear--
Bombs in the building next door,
Where the next meal will come from,
Medicine shortage,
Families torn apart,
Lives gone in seconds,
Contaminated water.

When someone reaches their
Hand out in a gesture of faith,
Of hope, of desperation,
Meet them with kindness.
Meet them with warmth.
Even when you don't have a thing to give
in material, it is immaterial
To offer a slice of the humanity
We have all been gifted.

Not all of us are safe,
Or have the comfort of love,
And many have been abandoned
By family, by society, by anyone
that feels
it is hard to look at someone
that you find pity for.

Look. That is where you will find
the deepest expression of humanity.

It's in the purrs.
It's in the exaltation
of the burden.
My people struggle.
But we have *******
Been. Through. It.
Let me take it on.
We know how to
*******. Thrive.
In. Struggle.

I swim with weights.
I have trained for this.
You wanna go toe to toe?
Let's ******* dance.

I'm meant to hold your hand--
the way it curls over mine with
such a tenderness that's enough
to make me smile and leak tears
onto the bundled scarf.

The wind sweeps them away,
I blink up at you and know
the warmth your smile pours--
liquid amber honey that
holds me steady in your gaze,
and yet--
this is a new place.

We have been here for days,
Rushing around on trains
and buses
and cabs
and subways
to all the places humanity treasures--
and I want to experience every moment
with You.

The culture in new places
always feels like a theoretical
until it's experienced...like an outline,
a sketch, a diagram even--
but diagrams don't reflect
the life in your eyes when
you quietly whisper a pun
while the tour guide is guiding
and I have to cover my mouth
or risk the ire of a librarian stare
from whomever might be offended
by a little burst of joy being born.

It started raining on the cobblestone
as we were walking to brunch,
but you brought an umbrella and
sheltered us from being soaked as
some less fortunates skittered through
the streets like animals seeking shelter...
but we are in no rush;
We enjoy the rain, the sound, the smell,
as it melts the scene that should be
painted in watercolor.

I don't imagine I would--
Or even that I could
forget all the little things.
I collect them like seashells or
shiny little rocks, and I
put them in my pockets and they
lift me up as if they weren't little
rocks at all but balloons
not letting my feet
ever touch the ground
floating forever
in this love we've found.

I go out of my way
to make people laugh
Because
people
went out
of their way
to make me cry.

I Will Combat
belligerent
ignorance
Every. *******. Time.
In My Way.

Saying Nothing
Encourages the
choking vines
to thrive,
nurturing Silence.

I heal hearts--
Ignorance took
a running start
to push over
My resolve.

Rip up the page,
Start again.
Another person
Stopped Listening.

I go out of my way
to brighten someone's day
Shared Laughs,
Shared Smiles.

How
Someone
Made You Feel--
That
Is what
You remember.

Do I need to
Be Remembered?
I would like to be.

But
If I have only
ever touched
your life
Once
I hope
You Remember
How
I made you feel.

The gilded age watching over
The laughs echoing from the stage,
The lights dancing as they turn the page
Transition to the next game, checkmate.

I've been here the whole time
We've been discussing the Bidet
And the cult following they accrued
A total of thirty followers ensued
Enough to make a documentary.

A burgundy suit all picked out
For a wedding in June to Jess and...Jess,
All ready in a chic black dress,
All the suggestions flow and go and know
And the audience rings with participation
With suggestions--with bait.

Hook line and sinker, baby,
Knock it out for the win,
Come on roll us the dice
And spin us some sin.

Back through the tunnel,
Lights through a funnel,
Guiding the way, pushing away,
Away from King's Theatre
Away from the laughs,
Away from Sam and Sam and
Jacob and Jeremy's spats,
Away from Lou and Kimia too,
Vic is left on the stage shrugging,
Away from them too.
Giavani, a ******* queen,
And Shutup! Kurt needs to say something...
I love you all and to thine self be true
There will be nothing like this performance ever again,
And that memory is thanks to you.

It was a sparkler,
Alone in the night,
With our laughter we held it alight,
It burned for longer,
Longer than eight nights,
The oil from the latkes
a bubbling, browned delight.

A moment in time,
A moment of laughter,
A moment of silence before the disaster,
A time and a place and a place for the memories,
Don't underestimate the time you spent here.
Remember everything you can and hold it dear.
Cherish the improvisation,
The luck, the dice, the trolls, the rights,
Let it all simmer,
Take it to a boil
Under these spotlights.

There's the wait,
That constant ache,
Moving forward through
The gate,
Your hand in mine,
Let time unwind,
As long as I'm with you
All that's left is the climb--

Up the steps, one by one,
Screams are heard,
the nerves have begun--
But you look at me
and squeeze my hand
I'll try not to make you have
to catch me
Because with that look--
I can barely stand.

You liquefy my core
and it radiates like
the waves of screams
like the parabolas
All stuck together
Laid with track
It's our turn soon.

The turnstiles whir
My stomach stirs,
We both have palms
slick with sweat
But we're here.
We're on this adventure
Together.

So our held hands
Lead us past the back,
Past the middle,
The front seats.
The very front seats.
The first to fall.
And we sit.
And I lean into you
with tears in my eyes
from fear and excitement
and feverish, crazy love
and those clicks start
and the carts budge
Forward
And Forward Again.

And by the time we're
At
The
Top---
There is this feeling of teetering
On the
Edge
Of the Abyss
And you're staring at the only
THING
You can stare at and it isn't
DOWN
It's each other. It's
taking solace
in the ultimate fact
that even in our fear
attempting to face it
Together
we're impenetrable.

Our screams
Are of joy
and excitement
and love
and adventure
and life.

And then it rolls
to a stop,
The air break hiss,
looking at each other
with smirks
and knowing
we're getting
Right back in that **** line
and Going Again.

While the withered page sets down its weary head,
and the children have all been tucked in bed,
The heart of the writer sings fair & true,
Its melody sweet & pure & new.

It's as if it started snowing rainbows
Down fifth avenue,
Or flooding yarn *****
with cats just out of view.

Zoom out of the scene with the kid at the zoo,
Who's seen a lion for the first time and a flamingo too,
To the lovers just a synapse away from saying
Those words people always imagine lovers saying...
But is that the beginning of the story, or the end?

Finding the beginning of the chapter is easy,
Who knows when they end?
Are we the authors?
The painters to fill in history with color?

Raise a glass to our hotel sushi picnic,
Ugly gingham curtains and squeaky old chairs,
To the look in your eye when I first held your stare.
I held my breath, you know.
Maybe you didn't.
You do now.

Even if it was snowing rainbows,
Even if it was raining from the sidewalk,
Even if it was blowing ***** of yarn down the road,
I couldn't take my eyes off of you.

Let's defy time
and space
and physics
and just be together.

I know we haven't
Quite met in person--
But--
I. Miss. You.
Because
You're Missing
From Me.

I'm trying to turn the
Page
But this one here is
Blank
And I need you to write the
Next Installment
It's You and Me, Babe:
Let's Go On
Our Adventures
and Paint the World in
Our Love.

The Faintest Hint of Your Touch
The Softest Echo of Your Voice
The Gaze in Your Eye

When you tell me
that you love me--
I can see it and feel it and I
Can't even describe the way it touches
Every Part of Me
and Radiates like a
Pulse
and all the Colors dive into
Waves that Recirculate and
Rebound and
Ricochet

Here I am--
I found you,
and I'm so *******
Glad
that I did.

Taking myself through these paces,
Boom-Go, and we're off to the races,
Caught up in liminal spaces,
Will we or won't we
When or when not
Your touch at that spot...

Boom-Goes all of my exterior defenses,
Put a power wash on all my senses,
Raw and alive
Back again in five
No way satisfied...

Boom-An--huh~
The flush to my face
the moment has taste--
**** through
My teeth--I need air,
I swallow at your stare~
Maybe I don't need air.