I wish I was a writer, I really do.
But the story escapes me, out of my hands
All I can feel is this melancholy lump
It’s growing inside, blocking all creativity.
My mind goes numb as my fingers forget
How to type, hands forgetting the hold of a pen.
A sleepy haze roles over me, just as I sit,
Ready to release a budding story inside of me.
It all sounds wrong, words can’t shape
the images in my head, can’t contextualize
Different concepts from within.
And the longer I sit, the more words
I try to form, the story leaks, it oozes
out of my soul, evaporating before I can catch
Even a drop, a simple word in my diary.
Journals stack up pages with pages all empty.
The fire I once felt for the written word, turns to apathy.
I have no stories to tell, not anymore,
as this melancholia seeps into every pore.
It is all that I am, all that I know.
It pulls me down, begging for sleep,
Begging to not feel anything.
Every creative cell has stopped growing,
Slowly dying as this lackluster grey blankets everything.
All I can feel now, is a deep loss, as if I’ve lost
Everyone single person I love, I’m in mourning
At a funeral, that only exists inside of me.
As I forget how to sleep when it’s really needed,
But stuck in nightmares once I finally cede to it.
More dreams go to waste, as my creative endeavours,
They get locked away. I can’t find a way out,
Find the right tool to dig out hope.
My treasure trove of wonder and curiosity,
It’s lost forever, nowhere to be seen.
I wish I was a writer, with endless stories to share.
I wish I was a writer with creativity to spare.
Instead the only thing flowing from my fingertips,
Is the very despair I am trying to be rid.
Instead all I can share, all I can spread
Is this melancholy feeling inside my head.

How do you decide?
Decide what to do,
What the future holds for you?
I don’t understand, one goal,
One goal that somehow
Supersedes them all.

How do you choose?
When passion flows through you,
For not just one, nor two,
But many life paths, careers,
It all means something to you?

I feel lost, thinking of the future.
I’m floating by, trying to find,
Something that could spark
More than mere interest,
Something that could captivate,
Hypnotize me for long enough.

Because you see, I flit from one
Passion to the next, one minute
I am drawing, the next sewing,
The next it’s animals I love,
Or how about teaching children?

And I sit here empty, not sure
Which path to take, which goal
To make, to work towards,
Because right now, I’m in
The inbetween, no job,
Not in school, what do I do?

But the reality is, I’m trying to find
That one magic passion,
That somehow works with my
Disable body, since almost everything,
I find it all exhausting.
And my mind is spinning circles,
A dog chasing its tail.

Why can’t I do it all?
Why can’t I just enjoy life, enjoy
All of the things it brings,
And take my time, because I’m
So tired, of trying to figure it all out.
Tired of planning, I’ve never been
Too good at planning, when there’s
So many things occupying my mind,
So many things that I desire.

But even then, even then, if I could find
A goal to work towards, a dream job
For right now, well that takes work
And it takes time, because it
Turns out it’s all a ladder that
We all have to climb and being disabled,
Well I feel left behind, not sure
How to move forward when
I also have to go up, and going
Up has always been so draining.

I must work now, to somehow
Get somewhere I would rather be,
But what do you do when most jobs
Require me to be on my feet,
With my level of experience,
And education, limiting me?
It’s like I have to hurt myself
In order to hopefully some day,
Live a better life, I guess that’s why
So many say, ‘suffer now, and
You’ll get your reward later’

I tried university, tried college,
But you see, being disabled,
Has made them  difficult for me.
At least, in the ways that I was pursuing.
And now I’m stuck, trying to find my way,
How to get out of this rut, this mess,
All around me while being limited
By my own body, when I’m so used
To trying so hard to keep up
With the rest of them, charging
At how much money they can earn.

Money, it always comes back to money.
And money stresses me out,
Makes me more sick, gives me more
Pain that I would ever like to be in.
Well, apparently, money is
Supposed to be the solution.

Not so easy when the job market is crap,
I didn’t come from money, so I had to
Start off with nothing, and make my own way.
But where do you start, when
All your ‘now’ prospects seem
Rather lackluster and all you can do
Is prepare for a future.

Strange to think that we’re told to
Live each and every day like
It’s the last one we may ever live,
When we have to spend our beginnings
Stuck in preparing, deciding, and striving
For a future, so hard to make,
When all you started with was
A journal to write in.

I just want to live now,
I want to live everyday,
I want to spend more time
Cultivating all this passion inside
Of me, it’s bursting inside of me.

But there’s this rut, this anxiety,
This fear, of having to build a life,
No, a career. So that I can live
In the future, instead of now,
So that hopefully, we can get by,
Scrape by, by the skins of our teeth.

Tired of working crap jobs,
That I don’t really like, where we’re
Unappreciated, and paid to barely live.
Overworked, underpaid, I’m in so much pain.
My body, can’t stand in this pain,
But that’s all I can do is stand.
In pain, at a cash register,
Or making drinks, no consideration,
Of the struggle it is of being disabled.

Because we all have to able.
Able to stand, to push, to work
Your ***** off, until there’s nothing left,
You’ve given all you’ve got, and then
Some. Soul *******, career bent,
Work too hard, to fit in.
You got to be a workaholic to fit in.

Well I can’t keep up with that pace,
And I see it wearing people thin,
People that have more strength,
More drive than I ever did.
How are we supposed to live,
When you have to work to live,
And, in turn, live to work.
It’s extremely exhausting.

All of this jumbles inside me,
I can’t breathe, can’t decide,
How I’m supposed to live my life
When everything screams
On all sides, that I’m supposed to be
Running, supposed to be rushing,
And that all seems so wrong.

I just want to live a life that has meaning.
Something meaningful to me, that I can
Actually enjoy each moment as it passes
Us all by, I don’t want to rush life
Before it all ends, I’m so tired
Of trying to run in this ‘rat race’
It’s not a race, I need a slower pace.
I demand a slower place.
No more running, no more racing,
It’s time to live in the now,
No fear.

It’s in moments like these,
Where all it would take is saying I love you.
Yet I’m all choked up,
Trying to express to you in special words
What you mean to me.
All I want is to make some grand speech
Just like in the movies,
Expressing to you how it seems that
My heart beats faster and slower
At the same time, how I can feel you
In every nerve of my body.
And maybe that’s overdone,
Maybe it’s cliché;
But these are the words I’d like to say.
Yet when you’re here, right in front of me
And my chance is finally here,
My tongue ties up,
My thoughts too fast for my mouth.
Although I've seen that sometimes
Simplicity is better than dressed up words,
Maybe this ‘I love you’
Is all I really need.
I hope that you can see in my eyes
How much you mean to me,
Feel it in my hand as I press
Mine against yours.
I love you.

You don’t need to try so hard.
You can wear the clothes you want.
Do whatever you please,
Express yourself the way you know how.
You can wear those heels
Just because you love them.
Your true friends will accept you
And all your little quirks.
It’s time to let it go,
Let go of all your fears of judgement.
Stop caring what people think of you,
It’s none of your business anyways.
You are who are for a reason.
You’re crazy, eclectic,
A miss independent and a little rebellious.
You like to defy the norms of society
So why aren’t you doing it?
Let go of all those rules and make your own.
You’ve always stood for the outcasts,
Paving your own path,
Cutting the trees blocking your way.
Why care now about fitting in
When you’re a shining gem?
You were born to lead, to conquer.
This is your destiny, you’ve always worn
Your individuality just like a badge.
Don’t become submissive,
Stop looking for approval,
You won’t find it anywhere
But inside of yourself.
It’s the self-acceptance that comes first,
There’s no better friend than you.
Go on, look in the mirror.
Remember, you better like who you are,
That is the person you’ll be stuck with
For the rest of your life.
Enjoy all the strangeness,
All the weird parts of your personality.
There’s no refunds, no exchanges.
You are who you are and that
Is perfection; no matter what anyone says.
Accept who you are now,
Accept all the growth to come.
You can accomplish even your
Wildest dreams, those shooting stars.
It’s time to just be,
Time to stop leaning on societies
Ideals and march on out
With head held up high.
Self acceptance is all you need.

I am strong.
I am a strong, independent
And confident young woman.
These are words that are hard
To tell myself;
To look in the mirror and
Convince myself that I am worthy
Of the life that I've been given.
I guess depression does that to you.
Suddenly all that confidence
I had grown up with,
The spirit I had,
It’s all gone, disappeared.
The hardest part is I don’t know why,
I don’t know what created this circle,
This awful self-loathing.
I don’t want to hate myself,
There are definitely things  
I do love about myself.
Yet there’s this voice in my head,
Telling me otherwise,
That these things aren't as great
As they appear to be.
I want to believe good
Things about myself,
To look in the mirror
And see that I’m beautiful.

This is the struggle I've been living with.
A cycle I’m learning to fight.
Being able to wake up in the morning
With a smile on my face,
Ready to face the new day.
Battling these demons is hard
But I know I’m not alone;
And in times of need I know
Where to turn, who to call.
Now, I've gotten to the point
Where I can handle this
On my own, my own small mantra
“You are a strong, confident and
Independent young woman,”
Actually has an impact now.
In times of need, I can say these
Words to myself,
And feel calm, I can feel them,
Those words taking over,
I am all that I speak.
I am strong.

I want to be free, free to fly
Through the night sky as my spirit drifts
Through the wind; My body an entity
In which holds no bonds to the laws
Of gravity or physics.
My particles free, as I experience what
It’s like to glide like an eagle,
Soaring past the sun.
An owl floating in the moonlight.
I want to explore mountain peaks
Without fear of the air density changing,
No thoughts gone to freezing.
I wonder what it would be like to
Experience the ocean depths
Without needing to breath,
Without needing oxygen.
I want to be free to run through
Empty fields full of wild flowers and
Weeds, soaking up the sun
Just like a morning glory.
I want to live in the natural
And terrifying beauty of this world;
Absorbing it’s radiance,
Free from technology.
Lying under a tree,
Watching the sun beams
Filtering through the leaves.
As a peace I've never had fills me.
Free from obligation.
Free from all the negativity.
I want to be an extension of nature
As we nurture one another.
I just want to be free.
Free to walk along a rivers edge
As the sky reflects on the water’s surface.
Taking in all this beauty
And being one with it;
Feeling completely serene.

Inside my heart, deep within a well
A treasure chest of peace resides.
There for me when it seems
Like there’s nothing left to break.
After all the layers of my soul
Feel shattered, are weak.
Calming me even when
I’m deep in anxiety.

A broken mess touching this
Treasure chest buried deep within
Restoring a strength I thought lost,
Pushing me to take a new step,
To keep pressing forward,
Giving me a reason to smile,
To never give up
When all seems lost.

A treasure chest of hope,
There to put me on my feet
When it seems I've lost my way,
Can’t find an open door.
Giving me a light to look for
In the dark mess surrounding,
This maze I’m trapped in,
These endless tunnels blinding.

A treasure chest of joy
Stitching back the pieces of my heart,
Giving me a hand to wipe these tears
That stream down my face.
Unlocking laughter that burbles
Without reason or cause,
Simply because I can be happy
In spite of all the road blocks.

A treasure chest of determination
Daring me to run at those
Obstacles and overcome them.
Giving me a bounce back in my step.
The answers I need,
That were always inside of me
And the will to seek
The ones that are missing.

Unlock my inner treasure chest
And you will find a force
To be reckoned with.
An independent soul
With a heart to pursue life
With arms wide open
And a strength to accomplish
Even her wildest dreams.

Bring me back to you,
So that I may see you.
Grace me with your presence
So that I can confess to you.
Admitting this love that I've kept
Hidden for so long
That walls have crept up
And now you are gone.

Pining away, I wait for you,
Slowly pulling apart
This fortress around my heart,
Brick by brick
So that when you do
Come back, you will see.
The guards have left,
The sentries gone.

Bring me back to you
And you will see that
It’s finally just you and I.
I promise I do love you.
There’s never been any doubt.
I tried to be platonic
But that was bound to fail.
You just walked away.

I hope you feel me
In your heart, ready
To open up to you.
Ready to open the doors.
I’m afraid to show you
But more so to lose you.
I know you’ll leave for real
If I don’t open my heart to you.

Be warned now, it’s dark
Under all the brightness
That fills the top layers
Of my soul. Buried deep,
Dark secrets never told
Fears.
Anxiety.
Depression.

You can see it all.
All these parts of me that
Makes me whole.
Just as long as you
Are a part of this puzzle.
Without you, I’m incomplete
A mess of pieces,
Never whole.

I feel like I’m beginning to suffocate,
Or maybe it’s that I've forgotten how to breath;
Never getting the relief, never getting the release
That my soul craves, that my mind needs.
Trapped in this wormhole way of thinking,
My emotions ******* the life out of me.

People surround me, lending a shoulder
Or wise words to help me through,
Telling me I have someone to turn to
When I feel like I’m drowning,
I can’t swim on my own.
Yet I still feel so alone.

You see, I feel like a burden to you.
I know you have your own troubles
To go through; without me, adding more.
This is the reason for my silence,
The reason I may seem so reserved.
And if you don’t ask, I won’t tell.

The truth is I can’t go through this alone.
But I don’t know how to voice this inner turmoil.
I can’t even explain what’s wrong.
How can I ask for help when I can’t give you
The root of the problem, the reason for
This depression, this anxiety?

Feeling incredibly alone again,

Even amidst all these people

That surround me, on the daily.

Lost inside myself, unable

To make simple connections;

Feeling alienated when I try

To escape this head of mine

Yet the world seems strange

Beyond my own thought clouds,

Outside of myself. A stranger

In my own skin. How do I

Even begin to feel that

The natural world around me,

Is truly a place I can be and

Living by myself in my own

Imagination, is not a safe

Place to sleep? Will I ever

Figure it out? How to be

At home, be at peace

With all these people

That surround me?

Questions swirling in

My brain, trying to make

Sense of this nest I created,

My supposed happy place.

Yet, I find it hard to believe

That I can be happy there,

Inside this shell. I just want

To feel normal in all that

Is tangible, instead of lost,

Alienated and alone.

You are the day and I am the night.
Two polar opposites
Trying to force a connection
Even though our energy
Naturally pushes us apart.

Trying to change each other,
To create that perfect fit.
Not realizing the toll
Our forceful natures
Have taken on each other.

Like two solid trees
We’re set in our ways, unmoving;
How do we even communicate?
Seeing this now, I realize
That it’s time to leave.

This relationship, it’s unhealthy.
I won’t try to change you anymore.
And all we ever do is fight.
I’m exhausted from trying
To force whatever this is.

So this is goodbye; I’m sorry  
For the trouble this has been,
For the pain I may have caused.
Because one new truth remains.
Now I’m the day and you are the night.

Driving down magic road
I think of all the possibilities
Of a world like Narnia existing;
Where animals could talk
Telling me of the mermaids
That swam in the sea.

My dad and I are just driving
Along the back roads, yet
Oddly, I find it inspiring.
The same old fields and forests
Seem to be the same as
The ones surrounding my house.

Yet these ones hold tales
Of creatures only heard of
In fiction. I can see them,
Elves that live in trees
And those trees with
Spirits of their own.

They whisper to me,
Spinning tales of a dark magic
Placed upon them by an evil overlord.
Their pleas have reached human ears.
I’m told that troops have been
Formed, readying for war.

But the story is cut short
As my dad takes a new road
And I find myself back at home
Wondering of tree spirits and curses
Wondering what will become of
The creatures of the forest.

Wishing I could live in a fairytale land
Where singing my feelings
Would be a common feat;
Dancing through the streets,
Meeting my soul mate
Knowing that we were forever.

Feeling enchanted and believing
In magic; these are the things
My heart sincerely desires.
I don’t want to settle for the mundane
Seemingly normal life,
That everyone robotically lives.

I want to traverse the ocean,
Experiencing the wonders
Of art and ancient civilizations.
I want to believe in pixies.
Believing the stories of gypsies
That traveled spewing tales of magic.

I want to live on Middle Earth
Where there are many types of “human”
Including the one I grew up to be.
I want to be an elf that lives forever
And is exceptionally good at archery;
With a dwarf for a best friend.

I want to believe in Greek gods
With their magic and the powers
They hold in everything.
My heart longs for so much more.
I’m afraid that this world
Won’t be able to offer it to me.

This world seems broken
Beyond the ability to repair.
It’s too scientific.
I’m afraid that all the magic
That is left, is just that;
Empty fairytales.

Living without you; it’s inconceivable.
Yet here I am, all alone and you’re gone.
Life passes me by now,
In my comatose state, shocked
At how you left me.
You promised me forever.
That death would be the one to separate us.
Sealed with a ring and a signed contract;
This love seemed so real, at least to me.
It still is as strong as ever.
But I guess that doesn't matter now,
Now that you've seen what life
Would be like with me;
That you no longer had the freedom
To do as you pleased.
They warned me not to rush.
Warned me that love
At first sight, wasn't strong enough
To hold two people together.
I guess Shakespeare lied to me.

Images swirl around in my head
As I try to conjure up one that'll stick.
To many thoughts roaming around
To make heads or tales of separate ideas;
It feels as though I have nothing left to write.

Pondering what I could do,
To make sense of the mess in my brain.
A change in scenery, new paint
In which to create a new world.
Yet even then, I find my block
Not only to be in writing
But in every form I use to create things.

What is left to do, yet sit and wait?
With pen at hand and paper near,
I hope that soon, the words will form;
That sentence after sentence a story will unfold.
With stroke of pencil, a picture will form.

Here I am walking down the street,
With crowds of people jostling about me,
All of them with umbrellas at hand.
Yet, I am thankful for the rain
Disguising the tears streaming down my face.
So nobody can see what’s going on inside.
Sympathetic looks I receive from random passers-by
But no one even reaches out.
No one tries to help.

Under the downpour that masks my face
You would see a broken heart.
Innocence lost with nothing gained;
What is this world coming to?
Promises cracked at the seams,
With lies given to glue our hopes back together.
With this dented society, it seems to be
Nothing pure, will I ever see.  

Broken at birth, our perception warped.
Will I ever glimpse something genuine and true?
Something that has not been changed
By the culture of today;
A something built on uniqueness and strength?
Without a care of who is watching.
Not a thought gone to judging.

I dream that one day all will live in harmony.
But I guess that good cannot be truly seen
Without a few bad things happening,
So we can finally appreciate the good.
So we can learn how to love,
Those small gifts given to us;
Like the smile of a passing stranger
Or a glimpse of the sun when it’s storming.

Still walking in the downpour of rain
But finally learning how to appreciate,
That even though the world is filled with evil,
There will always be some good
Hidden in all this darkness.
Even though my vision is fragmented,
One day I will be able to see
All the good that is around me.

I'm looking towards the future,
I'm leaving the past behind.
It's time to stop dwelling
On what could have been
And see what could be mine.
Time to take the paintbrush
And make myself
A new horizon to gaze upon.
Time to take charge,
To take the lead.
This is my life to live
And live it I shall.
Leaving the past behind
With the future in my eyes.

Feeling a little hopeless again;
Lost in depressing thoughts
Of the brokenness of this world.
Yet all I can do is sit here,
Feeling sorry for myself
Instead of taking a leap,
Trying to make a change.
What can I even do?
I'm just an insignificant girl
Who lives in a fairy land.
What to do besides let
The world pass me by
As I try my best to stay sane
When all that surrounds me
Is complete and utter insanity.
Can I take a stand?
Can I be brave and join the madness?
I guess all I can do is try.
You never know how much
One seemingly insignificant girl
Can do in a big world.

I just want you to know that I love you.
Despite everything going on here,
And I know I haven’t really shown;
But it’s true, I really do.
I love you.

How many times will I have to say it?
When will you finally believe me?

Again, I know I haven’t done much,
To prove to you, that I'm not lying.
I'm not that affectionate,
So it’s hard to show it;
I love you.

Will you believe me now?
Now that I've said those three words?

Out loud, I've shouted.
Words I thought I would
Never be able to say.
I hope you believe me now;
I love you.

I see you;
I see you in every little detail
Of the sky, of the trees,
Of the land, and of the seas.
You make yourself known to me
In books and through people.
I see you
And you are beautiful.
Beautiful in that way
That is strong and fierce,
Yet, also, kind and sweet.
You are beautiful in the sense
That you are lovable and to be feared,
All at the same time.
I see you and you give me a peace
That I have never had before.
In the midst of all this turmoil
I see you and I feel calm.
I see you;
And that is enough.

There’s something I need to say,
Simply put, I want you.
Tormented by dreams,
No longer just in my sleep;
But I find myself drifting,
Dreaming of you as I lay
Awake on my bed,
Staring into the light above me.
It’s as if nothing else exists.
Only you do.

But it’s irrational,
These dreams that encompass me.
You see, I barely know you.
Yet you’ve got me enchanted.
Captured in the way you talk,
The way you carry yourself.
I could go on about these things
I perceive of you.

Are these things even real?
I'm afraid that I'm only
Infatuated by your mystery.
I've only ever seen
What everyone else see’s;
The person you choose
To share with the world.
For all I know, you wear a mask.
Pretend to be something
That your not.
And then I’d be a fool.

Yet I can't seem to stop myself,
From this day dreaming.
You forever press against my mind.
I've gotten carried away;
Started to craft a you
In which I can enjoy.

But what happens when
The veil is removed?
Once I finally get to know you?
Disappointment.
And what then?
Dreams popped like soap bubbles.
What if you remain obscure?
Should I take this chance?
Or should I run away?

Love at first sight;
Many believe it to be irrefutable.
Yet I find it to be unreasonable.
How can one just know that
A person they've only just seen
Be the person that they’re
Destined to be with?
It seems to me that
that would simply be infatuation.
Aren’t they only falling in love
With someone’s appearance?

Yet here I am,
Having just met you
A short while ago;
Claiming that I couldn't
Bear to live without you.
All I want is to make you mine.
Terrified of the person you may be;
Frightened by the idea of rejection.
After all, I am a skeptic
Of my own emotions.
Afraid to eat my words,
Yet, also, to prove myself right.
What would you say if you knew?

Get out of here, you evil ghosts.
You hide within me, telling me dark lies.
You make me fear the unknown,
Despair over the simplest of things.

You dark spirits, you hold me back.
My full potential hidden,
Within the darkness you fill me with.
Lost without the light you've taken.

Fear; you seep into my heart,
Clog up my mind,
So that I cannot think clearly,
Make decisions freely.

Where is my strength when needed most?
Where is the boldness that I used to hold?

All I see around me is grey.
An endless haze covers my eyes.
I don’t know where to go,
So I'm left turning circles.

Numbness pours into my bones,
Sleep completely evades me
So that there is no escaping
These endless tunnels in my mind.

Haunted; the life has left my eyes.
The darkness seeps in,
Leaving me completely blind;
There’s no where left to hide.

A Shoulder to cry on,
Open arms to run too,
This is someone
Who truly loves you.
They might be a stranger,
But they'll always care;
Standing by your side,
No matter how they fair.

Weakest one, innocent soul,
I will keep you safe,
Try to keep you whole.
Hide your heart,
So as not to break,
Life as you know,
One can easily take.

Fighting the war
So you would not have to.
Fire in their eyes,
Mud on their shoes;
They are soldiers,
Who are struggling for you.

*Remember this, my dear,
You are not alone,
There is nothing to fear.
Keep your eyes bright,
So that you can see,
The beautiful sight
Of how the world could be.

I sit here waiting, biding my time
Hoping and wishing
That my chance won’t pass me by
To take hold of my destiny
To escape this prison of mine

Just waiting for the time to pass
The fortune to change
To take my chance
And leave this place

I’m stuck in a small world
Where everyone knows everyone
Yet, in my small world
They all watch you, they judge you
I seek the freedom of the real world
The one where I can find who I’m meant to be
Just can’t wait to escape this small world.

Can’t wait till I’m free
When I can fly on my own
Without a thought or a worry
Of what someone else
Might think of me

I long to escape to run free
With no more eyes watching me
Judging me, no more images
Of what they measure me to be

I’m stuck in a small world
Where everyone knows everyone
Yet, in my small world
They all watch you, they judge you
I seek the freedom of the real world
The one where I can find who I'm meant to be
Just can’t wait to escape this small world.

No more images of what they measure me to be
I’ll no longer be stuck in my small world
I’ll spread my wings and be free
Saying goodbye to my small world