People have aesthetic childhoods.
With parents that understand and cuddle them when lightning strikes.
I remember the teddy bears in my bed,
and how they smelt of mum and dad,
how I would hold Odettes ear with my finger and thumb,
my head ducked under cover in fear of an alien tickling my toes.
But now the teddies are placed high up on a shelf
away from me, out of reach.

When I realise the ear isn't in my hands,
I look around and see the dust at my feet,l like I'm down at the bottom,
I look up,
my family are at the top
and the red cord of family love bounding us together is thin, and I fear we are soon to have a disconnect again,
When I make it to the third or fourth level
I see their faces grinning with pride
at their daughter succeeding and waking up before noon,
and I say something funny to lighten the mood,
but I tumble lower by one or two
depending on how fake the laugh I hear was.

I sit in the gravel and wonder.
I don't understand why I can't touch them anymore because I'm like my mum,
we're both alike,
and I'm like my dad,
we're also alike,
but I feel lost on a planet when I meet their eyes,
like I'm somewhere I shouldn't be,
I wallow in the dust for days, until I feel
them prodding me with a stick from the top shelf,
asking me when I'll finally reach the top.
Telling me that I'm seventeen now and that I used to be on the sixth shelf when I was sixteen.
How I used to do so well with my homework,
and I would get great grades,
but now I get dark stains around my eyes,
and a tearstained face,
but from their great  height, they can't see my shoulders shaking,
they just see me carrying my baggage,
too heavy for my small frame to handle.

I force my way up the mountain,
until I see their faces,
they smile and I tumble right back down.
I feel like screaming;
LOOK AT ME!
I AM HERE!
I EXIST!
I AM ON MY PLANE,
AND YOU ARE ON YOURS!
but however hard I do scream,
the wind picks it up and carries it away,
and all they hear is;
'Look at me, I'm on your plane!"

They smile.
I tumble three.

If you could
be anything or
anyone
in the world-
Why wouldn't you be
you?

Choose gratitude over regret,
Before the time ticks away.

So throw off the bow lines,
Sail away from safe harbor.
Catch trade winds in your sails.
EXPLORE, DREAM, DISCOVER..!!

clutching my crumbling holy relic,
that trace of her final kiss
still rippling across addicted lips,
rise to find shelter,
move it safe from noise and smoke

stumbling through shadows,
like uneven, forgotten lumber
patching gut shot with used bandages
the faded, drunken hymns of heart flung sadness
hang along Cahuenga Avenue, old and overplayed
wilted spider silk across a concrete violin

each parking meter my next crutch,
arguing with stoic streetlights,
giving their cold flicker that same
blood stained sermon,
self same pity, worn and overused

from edge of a coin I’ll scratch out her name,
from a nightman’s club the darkness can fall,
from the corner of my eye she’ll melt away,
from the skin of my teeth I’ll feel the dawn crack
and learn, again,
to crawl

Listening to you talk about someone else
Like a stab in the chest ripping all the way down
In the car after dinner,
With a ****** gaping hole,
That you couldn't see, but I felt all the same.

You were smiling and I was smiling too.
You said she was great and you met her dad by chance, and it was the best one in a long time.
I giggled childishly
And let the wound fester and ooze,
You didn't even notice.

I saw it in your eyes,
It was a love,
And it was different than ours.

When you dropped me off,
I felt guilty and nauseous.
It’s not your responsibility to cradle my ego,
To be my romance.
You told me you loved me and you'd see me soon,
You'd see her tomorrow,
Filling the wound with rocks before attempting to sew it up,
Or at least, it felt like it.