when shall i learn that a line must be drawn
for the sake of my sanity
how can i accept my own demise due to my service of others?
i must wash my hands clean of the guilt i possess
for i harm no one as greatly as myself

i swim in oceans of my misery and drown in pools of my sorrow
terror fills my lungs and breaks away at the tissue in them

¨careful!¨ i scream
i cannot allow myself to fall victim to my own mind
the racing and pumping of my thoughts breaking down the barriers i have built
there is nothing left to protect my self-esteem
no armed guards to stop the negativity in its tracks
no brick wall to block the sadness from reaching me

dangerous. is the only world i can use to describe my thoughts
a battlefield of mines bursting with anger
sticks of dynamite, disguised as flowers to lure and destroy
the question is, who are they meant to hurt?

are they meant to agitate me further to turn my back on myself?
refusing the possibility that happiness can be found?
or are they meant to bring pain to others?
to keep me in control of the opinions and decisions of my peers?
does she aim to help or control?

perhaps, my mind is losing track of what i was thinking
allowing me room to doubt myself
is my mind trying to convince me that i am the parasite in the lives of others,
feeding off of their souls
i believe she is right
to tell me that i do things in order to gain
she tells me, that i do not wish to help, only to hurt

i understand now that i am up against myself
left up to my own devices
no one is under obligation to assist me in battling my demons
i will struggle and fight, until my last breath
to let my own mind defeat me, is to allow defeat inside of my own fortress

i will never be unarmed again

the rose, scented and floating across from me
its thorns were prominent and sharp
a means of protection for the delicate creature
red pigment screamed to the sun
wishing to meet the sun´s eyes
the petals stretched and reached with the leaves

he stayed perched up in the skin
blinding those who got too near to him
the sun never took notice of the bleak rose
he was busy shining for the world around,
drying children off as they played in the cold ocean waves
deepening the nutmeg color in the skin of those who let him

so the rose whined, and reached endlessly for what she could never grasp
and the sun continued to do his job, never realizing the fulfillment he would've had,
if only he took a chance

when he looks into your soul and professes his love, let him speak.
when he strokes your hair and calls you beautiful, let him speak.
when he looks at you with warms eyes and asks if you need anything, let him speak.

when the chorus of screams rains down on you, let it pour.
when your shoes wont slip on and the rain is destroying your psyche, let it tear away the pain he caused.
when the tears burn through your pores, let them cleanse your heart.

when youre pacing around the chilled night, let the cold sink into your bones. when his name flashes through your phone screen, let it ring until it dies. when the voices of your friends pick up and send you into a state of panic, let yourself remember their true love for you.

when the warmth of the mazda warms the tips of your fingers, let the hurt set in.
when your tears turn into uncontrollable sobs, let your peace be in the arms of your friends.
when you feel like the world is spinning off of its axis, let yourself breath.

when you feel the safety of anothers home, let your heart sink into the pillows.
when your body gives into the feeling of floating amongst clouds, let your mind escape the inevitable destruction.
when your friends begin patching wounds with stitches, let them help you.

when the anger becomes too much to bare, let yourself write this poem.
when your universe plummets to its knees before you, let yourself feel.
when you remember all the ones before, let yourself learn.

when you remember what he did, let yourself remember that you are worthy, you are incredible, you are beautiful and you will be loved.

clinging onto reality
dont want to be lost
if i am, ill never find my way back
never want to lose myself again,
already so lost
cant find anything to help me

maybe reality isnt the best idea
ill try and leave it behind, after all
if i am alone ill think of you and get tangled in my thoughts
lost from reality

i am so unbelievably angry with you
youve got everyone convinced that you are the most beautiful and kind soul the universe has ever spawned
but i know the truth
i know the truth about you
i know that you used to hit me out of anger you refused to control
i remember you sprawled out on the floor screaming of death
i remember when you prepared yourself for the end
and said it was all for me
you said it was all for me
then why am i so angry with you?

i smiled in the face of death. who does he think he is to scare me? i knew his intentions and instead, i reached out and intertwined my fingers with his. the black dust and coal rubbed off on my skin and i felt the friction gaining energy. he looked into my already stone eyes and tried again to get me to fear him. ¨oh death,¨ i chuckled. ¨you cant ever scare me, because im not running from you anymore.¨

i am just thinking about the fact that you really don't fall in love with people
you're in love with chasing the next elevation
worried about feeling warm skin against yours
the calmness of another heartbeat to focus on
instead of numbing your pain with healing
you've chosen a battle you're only going to lose