This dirt under my
Fingernails is from crawling out
Of holes that Life
Threw me into.

Well... at times I jumped in
Without help.
The point is
I know how to get out.

I'll teach you; here, take
My hand. I might even let
You have the whole arm.
But know:

The moment you try to
Pull me down for a quick fix
Of company and comfort, I'm
Letting go.

Life is more than holes.
More than self-pity.
The sun never searches for
A cold face to kiss.

it's 10:37 pm
and i find my self
apologizing
for something I hated
you for an hour ago.
I'm apologizing
for you. yet you
think you did no harm.

it was 8:09 pm
and I was fuming, angry
and would never forgive you.
I was on edge of hating
you and never forgiving you
ever. I was yelling and crying
and you had no clue.

it was 6:12 pm
when you called us off. saying
we were never a thing and
would never be in the future.
it hurt in waves, drowning in pain
after each rush. I fell for someone
as self centered as you.
I hated you.

it was 11:11 am
and I was no longer
wishing for you because I finally
got you. you whispered things
I only dreamed of hearing. I
thought I was falling for you.

dancer of the clouds,
ink of dream,
as if the sky, hushed
and utterly forlorn,
turned a pirouette.

One bad thing after another,
Why try to change it?
Self-destruction begins to smother
The emotions inside.
Might do something I'll regret,
But what does it matter?
My life isn't over yet.
This series of misfortune
Will continue forever.
So I'll drink this whole bottle, but
Still happiness comes never.
So I'll pop all these pills, and maybe
Some lust might fulfill
What I'm missing inside.
All this at my own will
Because I don't want to know better.
Stone-cold heart in a locked cage,
I will never let anyone in.
Self-destruction is my hobby.
Self-pity is my sin.

I have a journal filled with quotes and poems
ones that strike me with emotion
and take my breath away in the moment that I see them.
A thought that excites me is that maybe one day
someone will have a journal like me
and my poems will grace their pages
and be written in someone else's script.
I'd like to leave my mark on the world somehow
so maybe this will be my chance.

Why am I bitter?
All the silence trapped in my brain
“I’m not in the mood”
Somehow, I always seem not to be
Why did you leave?
With the walls I painted teal for you
The I love you’s were never heard
And the joy, was never to be felt
Did it ever mean something to you?
Or was it just a dream, hallucinations
A vivid memory

Being held by you
Trapped in your arms
As warm as a blanket
Was all I ever longed for
Like a memories of me as a child
Of never belonging to a playground
Never scraping my knee
But always, my heart

The distance between us
It’s always haunting me
Chasing me down
Pinning my fingers to the map
To the line of oceans
Deserts
Continents
The walls I have painted for you
Are now, pebble grey
Without you
Every shade of grey is conquering
Everything around me turned to grey
Even the books, even the sky.