He always felt the pressure, with eyes
that weighed life only through the mind;
though not too strong or sardonic; he
listened closely to her apologies to others
for life’s unrelenting random decisions;
but dead still fatalism was the only
logic that he allowed to approach

He should have known, her languid eyes
weighed life only through the heart;
though not so delicate, nor sympathies
hopelessly buried in allegory, she
laid the dead pennies upon his eyes
while blood became clear because she
said so

But she knew how to laugh, it was
as close as she would come to pretending
she didn’t care so much; it was because
of days spent drowning in her own futile
black and white world; seeing life only in
the light of kindness and the darkness of
shadows begging to lift their veil

He laughed but only in the past; he spent
more time asking what difference does
any of it make; she smiled patiently, if
there was anything she loved about him
it was that what he denied of himself
screamed in agony alone at night because
he knew he was the same as she was

I want to tell you what is happening in the culture

Our people are afraid
They do not know how they are going to die
But even more frightening is how they are going to live

What does it mean to live?

How do you live?

Are you aware of yourself?

We are very aware our own being
We have consciousness
But we can only see what is physical
We feel things
Anger
Joy
Pain
Jealousy
Fear

Let me see if I can explain it

I feel pain
So I exist
I cannot feel your pain
But I can imagine it
I fear for my children
therefore they are as real
as I perceive them to be
in the light of my anxiety
If I see you
is my conclusion clouded
by the mere fact of perception?
Would I know you better
had I never met you?
Would it be better
if I never knew you?
Because then
I could not describe you
and my silence
might be closer to the truth
leaving you as everyone else
but deviant
in terms of more or less
depending on your perceptions
of who you are
and how you should interact
If I experience you
do I know you?
Or do I only know you
as I affect you?
Can I tell another
about you?
Or will my perception
**** my objectivity?
Is it better not to experience
as a method of knowing?
Is it better
that I not verify who you are?
Instead only imagining
without the use of my senses?
Shall I close my eyes?
My ears?
My mind?
Can only a baby be objective?
Is pain the only objective feeling?
I knew pain at birth
But knew nothing else
What do I know now?
I know what makes me happy
I see what happens to others
I hope it doesn't happen to me
But I have little idea
in the point of all this
I know as much as I did the day I was born
Will you live in a better world
if you are not described
by me?
If I hear what you say
how can I know what you mean?
Are you being sincere?
Or calculated?
Are you understanding
what it is you say?
Am I understanding
what you say
when I cannot know
if you understand
what you say?
All I can know
is that you take up space
And that time has passed
But how can I know this?
I cannot occupy the same space
Though I heard your utterance
I am not waiting for it
It happened
And so time
has passed
as I know time to be
So there must be space
and time
Because I am affected
By time and space
And so I am
But are you?
Does A equal A?
It does if I don’t question
what I see
or what I hear
But if I speak
then you are lost
because I only perceive you
as an object
But do I know?

Do you see what I’m saying?
Maybe you can explain it to me
You came here and I’m the first person you encountered
If you leave after talking to me you may know everything you need to know
But I’m not the answer to any of your questions
I live here
For a while anyway
We believe lots of things about why we are here
We believe lots of things about what happens when we die
Do you die?
We do
And if we are good at anything it’s not thinking about dying
It is too overwhelming to think about
We are not good when things overwhelm us

People are born and they die
Born?
What does it mean to be born?
It means to come into existence
But you must come into existence from someone who already exists
And it is painful for them
And it will become more painful for them as it grows apart from its creator

People die as they expire
They die as they are killed
Dying is when your time is up
Being killed is when someone else takes your time
But we don’t know

Do you know fear?
We do
For ourselves
And our culture

What is our culture?

It can be many things
It can be the color of our skin
It can be the language we speak
It can be where we were born
But really it’s in the way we think
We start with our mother
Our Father
Our brother
Our sister

Then it becomes more
It becomes about where we belong

We hate being alone

We hate being alone

I can’t say that enough

Did you know we judge one another?

What does it mean to judge?

It means to decide who is worthy and who is not

How do we judge?

It doesn’t matter how we judge
We just do
We pick whatever it may be that makes us feel better
The color of their skin
The language that they speak
Where they were born
The way they think

But usually it is about our circumstances
We don’t like poor people
But it’s really because we want to believe they made themselves that way
It’s a superiority complex rooted in our desperation

It’s not good enough anymore to just eat and live in a hut
Yes, we want comfort
We don’t like to be too hot or too cold
We don’t like to feel hungry
We don’t like to be uncomfortable

Why is it so hard to be comfortable?

I don’t know
It just is
We have to work very hard to be comfortable
Not just for a day
But for our entire life

We love it when we don’t have to work so hard
But it’s not good enough not to work
We must go somewhere
A different place
A mountain
An ocean
A place with old buildings

Then there’s drugs

That is how we escape as we sit
Or stand

You see most people cannot change their minds
Not their opinions
Their minds
Not as they sit there
Something artificial must do it for them
Or they must wait a long time
But they have to want to change their minds
And they have to know how
But nobody teaches us very well
Some people act like they know how to teach us
But we have to do it ourselves

The strongest people we know are those who know they are going to die
Yew, we all know we’re going to die
But we are ok as long as we don’t know when
But when someone say’s when
Or soon
Then it’s on
That’s when you know you are alive
And it’s like being on a drug
Because your mind changes
And everyone is amazed by your strength
We can’t imagine knowing
We don’t want to know
The only way we can survive is to know we have a long life ahead of us

And yet we continue to struggle

Let me tell you what is happening in the culture

We cannot decide why we are here
We cannot decide how we got here
Did someone create us?
Or did we just happen?
Neither choice is easy to understand
Or accept
So we divide ourselves
But those who believe we were created have divided even further

It seems they want to be the chosen people

They want to be the ones who are the favorite of the creator

Why?

Because we are afraid

The most difficult thing it seems for a human is to believe in equality
This means you are the same as everyone else
But it matters that we are not
We want to be special
We write books about it
We sing songs about it
We pray about it

The only way to be equal is to believe the same thing
If you do not believe as does another then you are not equal
Or so it seems
You are different
Yet the creator remains silent

So we believe Shamans

Wise men from India

People who reject the ways of money

Or at least those who appear to reject money

And yet they need money too

But there is something new to consider
You
You have not been included in our consciousness
We wondered about you
But you are not a part of our beginning or how we end as a species
We think we are all there is

But that is no longer true

So what does it mean?

That is what is going on with the culture
The search for meaning
Is there more than to live
To love our children
To love another human being
Is there more to it than that?

Do you know?

You see we are not very interesting
Unless fear means something to you
Unless you enjoy watching people do things that make no sense
Unless you enjoy cruelty
Unless you enjoy greed
Unless you enjoy lies
Unless you enjoy conflict

Then we are a very interesting species

But we cannot tell you how to live

Because we don't know how

We don't know how to live or how to die

So we wait for an answer

Do you have one?

It may just be watching Joe Cocker screaming about getting help from his friends

Maybe you should talk to someone else

I always liked to touch the bottom
And just lay there
Silent
Calm
Detached
Here I could be me

The prism blurred the air above
And the silhouettes of life
Distant
Strange
Confusing
I was unable to clearly see

But soon it was time to leave
My solitary but temporal bliss
Resigned
Hurried
Bursting
A moment as only a moment can be

It delivers
A crushing blow
Yet it feels
Nothing
It renders
The final verdict
With numbing callousness
It senses
No pain
It knows
No guilt
It experiences
No empathy
Instead
It is lifeless
A tool
Awaiting direction
From the killer
The one who decides
While it sits
Ever silent
Never wavering
Not knowing
Its fate
Or its victim
Or why
It could be anyone
MLK
JFK
A little girl
It cares not
Like a caterpillar
It waits
For transformation
For motion
And then
Impact
Destroying
Dreams
Hopes
Lives
Creating
Fear
Hate
Worry
It lives
A life
Singularly focused
On death
Poised
Then delivering
Death
Of a life
Remorseless
In its travels
Stochastic
Random
Chaotic
In its delivery
The executioner
Without a hood
Without a conscience
Without feeling
Without anything
Resembling humanity
Only inevitable death
Just like life

The flower is in full bloom
With exotic allure
Covering its true self
What it is I’m not really sure
I’ve lost my mind
As I want to possess
It is a calling
That a man cannot suppress
But the memory
Of a bleeding heart
And stained hands
Reveals love is more than art
Mi querida are you a rose
Or a daffodil?
Must I live with thorns
Or is your soul tranquil?
I stare into the painting
And touch your wild colors
Can you hold yourself in the moment
Or will you collapse like all the others?
Why do you want me
To be your lover?
Why do you show me a mirror
And hide behind my fantasy’s cover?
You cannot be a rose
If you are not
And even so
How do you know what I want?
Should you even try
To bring me near?
When the petals fall
Will the thorns appear?
Only you know the truth
Of who you are
I can only love
Someone who can share a scar
Don’t be what I want
Be who you are
Love will die
In soil we cannot share
Let the petals fall
And we will gather them together
Because we know they will
They cannot stay forever

Only God knows all our wrongs
But though arrows point at our souls
The whispers of the lamb dull his vengeance
A man has to die before he lives forever
While parades remind us of his courage
Some stand still thinking only of progress
Train tracks laid across holy ground
Desperate men laid to rest
They ask if evil killed each other
Or did we also sacrifice the saints?
They made peace with their destiny
A story they never thought to question
Right can never observe wrong blithely
And those whose spirits keep watch
Silently shed their hopes for the truth
Because history is still written by man

I wish I would have told her
After they buried her it meant nothing
That’s what I wanted to say
To think of heaven
A glorious beginning
Without carrying pottery on your head
Or living under tin roofs
It was all buried now
The doubts
Your body
Your face
The color of your skin
The measures of small minded men
The one’s that somehow made you count too
But the time has arrived
No more moral dilemmas
No more fences to jump
No more lights flashing behind you
No more of the things you fear
Now it’s like watching a sunset
Or staring silently into my eyes
Not knowing what to say
But knowing how you feel
It’s what I wanted to say
That’s what I was thinking
Ten years from now
Or twenty
On a day called too late
Too late to ease her mind
It was hard for me to believe
I wanted her so badly
Yet she only knew sorrow
I could only see beauty
She could only see flaws
She was so unhappy
If I had only known
I would have talked to her
A stranger one day
A friend the next
I would have told her
A vision one day
My lover the next
Instead I suffered too
Because the woman who was so unsure
Didn’t know she didn’t have to wait for love
She didn’t have to die to find it
It was here all along
If she only knew

Is it to make more of the man
If he rides in the back of a jeep
Not drawing attention to himself
He thinks solely with the wind
And the sounds beneath his feet

He wondered as she walked by
Would a poor woman reject him
She didn’t smile at his gaze
She wanted more than that
He was judged by the street

He wanted to buy her a dress
Any color, with shoes to match
Would she want to wear it
Or would she only remember
She did not own a silk sheet

She smiled only to be polite
She gathered leaves for her drink
She knew how not to grind them
He told her they would be served
But the wheel that rolled was fleet

She wanted someone who knew
Only her name and a cross awaits
He couldn’t believe her calm
She did not care for attention
Their worlds could never meet

She offered to pray for him
She said empathy is not love
She had lived the real all her life
Still she admired the loud bird
Who sat humbly in an old jeep

I know a gift when I see one
And that’s what you are to me
There's nothing that you want
Except eyes that only your scars can see

Neither one of us expect to love again
It’s as if we never knew how
We know one another
Yet our hearts only see strangers now

I can see you
But I can no longer speak
I once made you laugh
So why do I feel so weak?

It’s sad to think of never again
We build walls we never lower
We blame the future on our past
Our affection is a princess locked in a tower

I can see you
But I can no longer speak
I once made you laugh
So why do I feel so weak?

There is nothing you have to do
No promises
No midnight calls
Just let it be me when the time is right
Why does it seem like leaving you alone is best?
I’m not going to repeat all his lines
It just makes it seem like someone else's night

I can see you
But I can no longer speak
I once made you laugh
So why do I feel so weak?

Like a rock
Watching the water fall
I can only lay
Like the sand
Watching the ocean surge
I can only erode
Like an island
Watching a hurricane approach
I can only survive
Like a building
Watching the earth move
I can only hope
Like a tree
Waiting for the gale
I can only bend
Like a bank
Watching the river overflow
I can only stand
Like a forest
Watching the fire
I can only burn
Like a deer
Watching a tiger run
I can only die
Like a slave
Watching the whip
I can only bleed
Like a problem
With only bad choices
I can only lose
Like a baby
Without a mother
I can only cry
Like a Father
Without his children
I can only wait

I know more about your pictures than I do about you
I don’t care if it makes me weird
It was the only way I could be close to you until I get over
The things we both feared

You weren’t the prettiest girl I’d ever seen
But you were the most alive
You don’t have any money or care about tomorrow
It’s a life so different than mine

Every time I look I know it’s how you used to be
That’s because time has already passed for me
And the days that make you happy today
Are the ones that once made me happy to see

I keep forgetting if it was once or just a dream I have
The past can seem so real
But not as real as what you can’t wait to feel again
Even if it’s from a picture you must steal

Greenbelts, old clothes and earrings love the rain
Make-up never runs when it’s really you
Nothing matters most of all the rules
There is time for smiles tomorrow is for pain

Every time I look I know it’s how you used to be
That’s because time has already passed for me
And the days that make you happy today
Are the ones that once made me happy to see

I want to wash your hair with the night air
Soft light that does not burn
You can close your eyes again
My fingers are stars massaging the moon

I want to bathe your skin with light of day
Hot light to soften your pain
You can lay your head next to me
My fingers are reflections of a warm tide

I want to cool your pores with the forest air
A soft breeze rippling beads of sweat
You can watch the leaves fall all around
My fingers are trees dropping them on you

I want my heart to feel the love of yours
A whisper that only I can hear
You can let your blood mix with mine
My fingers will draw pictures with our color

It has been written,
That the Tao that is spoken
Is not the eternal Tao

And yet,
Their tongues dig deep
Into the field of my soul they plow

And so,

How can I find you God?
Your people block my way
The path to salvation
Seems so far away

Help them my God
They know not what they do
Your words they wield
But are they God or are you?

How can I know you God?
When they are so sure
Spoiling your simple message
It no longer seems pure

Help me my God
I cannot see you
Only their dilated eyes
Blocking my view

I am confused my God
You send them to me
Irrational and weak
Destroying all you can be

Where are you my God?
Tell them they are wrong
Only reading the notes
And not hearing the song

Am I lost oh God?
Because they say it so?
Wandering the wilderness
Which way should I go?

Believe in me God
My instincts so clear
Walking through the fire
I sense you are near

Send the message my God
Show them the way
Leave me alone
There command I cannot obey

You are my God
In you I trust
Take me as I am
Only you are just

Teach me God
To see your word
Give me your grace
However undeserved

I feel your image my God
In my emotional depth
Open my eyes to heaven
And show me it's breadth

Is it possible my God
To speak your word
Distorted by man's own image
Can it truly be heard?

When we meet, my God
I will bow in sorrow
For the failures of my mind
With hope for tomorrow

When I need a break
There’s a place I like to go
Sometimes it’s just the water
Sometimes the islands show

It reminds me of us
How we aren’t always there
I’m never sure where we stand
Or if we even care

Things change
Things I used to touch
What always was is now not so much
When I see a lake run dry
I realize what money can’t buy
Yeah things change
Things change

I wonder where life may lead
I have no money
I have no home
There's no place to plant a seed

Is it about being alone
On an island of sand?
Is it as simple
As needing to hold someone’s hand?

Things change
Things I used to touch
What always was is now not so much
When I see a lake run dry
I realize what money can’t buy
Yeah things change
Things change

Maybe this is all there is
It seems we still can laugh
We can take one night
And forget about the past

They say, "embrace change"
But sometimes it's not to be
We don’t care about tomorrow
Or is that just me?

Things change
Things I used to touch
What always was is now not so much
When I see a lake run dry
I realize what money can’t buy
Yeah things change
Things change

You pushed me away
After all of that
It was perfect
Your lips were ready
Then your fears made the decision
You were only a reflection of the past

You couldn’t tell the difference
I was the right one
But it was too perfect
Now your body aches
You know you made a mistake
You could only think how long it would last

I tried too hard
I thought of it before we met
I wanted it to be perfect
Now you're gone
My pleading eyes left your ears ringing
Why did you end our love so fast?

Falling from heaven
We never believe
Nobody's perfect
Especially not love
Even though for a moment I had you
The gap between faith and doubt is vast

I feel ironic
I want to be a free thinker
But I believe in order
Anarchy is the same as fascism
I feel fear
I want to be an activist
But I don't want to lose my job
Protest doesn't pay the bills
I feel agnostic
I don't know how to believe
But I pray everyday
God is something I can't question
I feel love
I want it so badly
But though I know how to be alone
I hope it forces itself on me

I want you to walk with me
I can't tell you where
But where we are today
Is tomorrow's memory to share

Life changed when we were born
We survived that first moment
Now we look for our home
But change never relieves it's torment

I saw eyes change green to blue
When skies changed blue to green
But storms should not make us afraid
Because love lives somewhere in between

I want you to walk with me
I don't know why except that it is true
But what my heart knows my darling
Is life may change but never my love for you

There was a time when I would play
Today was the same as yesterday
The news was read by a man named Cronkite
With my Dad we listened in the panel room light
I wondered if war was wrong; or was it right?

What could I ever know
Except what the TV might show
Was it what a preacher might preach
Or what a general might teach
The canon of a ghost a father and a son?
Or flags flying high above a smoking gun?

I saw a man with a loaded gun
Pointing at the temple of another one
But they were far away from me
Then I saw the barrel of a rifle
And a flower planted by a disciple
He said blessed are the peacemakers
But so too a man who lays down his life

I thought about a carpenter
A soldier and a gardener
The gospel rang in my ear
So too the flag I hold dear
And as I tilled the soil
My blood began to boil
For I have become a sinner
Who has no King but Caesar

Where did the little boy go
Who believed in good and not evil
Now he sees hate without reason
And love lost without a season
As he walks in the desert sand
A soldier and a prophet await
For what is man without fear
Or faith without scars in his hand?

Did you think I was going to fall in love with you just like that?
That's right
I just snapped my finger in your face
You need so much more than your pretty face
So what if I stared at you for a bit
Do you have anything to add to that?
I'm not talking about make-up
I'm not talking about playing hard to get
I'm not talking about thinking about making me feel lucky
You need to feel lucky
Have you ever?
You should try it sometime
You might learn something about yourself
And the world around you

The rows of corn were straight as history is long
The farmer knew he had chosen soiled hands
Or was it a blessing
The morning sun always waited for his signal
Nature waits for those who care for the land

The wood desk was smooth as glass
A hand-carved wooden hand pointed north
Or was it to God
It had been mounted upon a wall
He took it down to find the place of his souls birth

The old boots were as cracked as his voice
He kissed his father hoping to see him again
Or was it faith
Tomorrows long day would wait a little longer
For the night knew his tears would say when

If the Earth should vanish by our own hand
If the book was erased without a memory
If all of life stopped without a trace
Would God still remember me?
Is this what I really believe?
A God who is everlasting?
Can I turn the other cheek?
When will my anger begin fasting?

From the mountain tops
I see the valley of oppression
It fills with our tears
As we drown in man's obsession
But does God need man?
Or to plant a garden on a stone?
Must we **** everyone
Who will be first to atone?

The emotions of man
Invisible to the eye
Controlling our every action
Only our soul knows why
I saw him on the corner
Did I turn the wrong cheek?
Inside my heart I already know
Grace was made because I am weak

Truth as a form of reality for humans
Is revealed or in what we discover
In both, we find what we know
Is controlled by emotional desire
There is a truth or an outcome
That we insist must always be so
Even if the truth we have found
Conflicts with all that we know

From the limits of our imagination
God is a metaphor of anthropomorphism
An assertion as to his nature including gender
Is to place God into a man-made prison
He is beyond the limits of reality
If reality is perception and experience
But if reality is truth then God is reality
And only he knows the hour of deliverance

Creation, purpose and the history of mankind
Each of us could only describe it as a fairytale
And yet to describe God with certainty
Is to limit the possibilities of the metaphysical
Our concept of time and purpose is only relative
Yet we arrogantly believe we can change his nature
And so too it is better not to say anything at all
Than to describe our birth by the hand of the creator

And so we answer questions by singing of the wind
Abdicating all knowledge to nature to justify our sin
And though we know the cause of all suffering is desire
It is not true that all desire is wicked if he planted it within
The more we desire to become a part of the spiritual world
The more we give away the scraps of our enslavement
Enlightenment is said to be found by impoverishing oneself
But who can walk barefoot on the hot pavement?

Love is deepest in a parents love for their child
Or our first love or in the love of an animal
And what is life except devotion to those you love
And to those who depend upon you to be rational
Do not compromise what is wise and good to belong
You have the strength to be alone if you know how to love
For it is without expectation that love is true
And even a wanderer can know what this is made of

Do not command someone to believe as you do
You cannot make them arrive at the same place
Neither in time or where your body may lay
If their origin of birth did not have the same grace
To believe that you alone are the holder of truth
Is to separate yourself from the divinity of the flame
To restrict enlightenment to the narrows of predominance
Is to declare that you alone are the target of your souls aim

Philosophy, reliant upon the development of our soul
Married to truth and curiosity as to our origins, not unyielding
To any new fact that might present itself to you
Is there anything more than what is good and revealing?
But if the world insists that you wear your cross
Then tell them you would die so that others can live
And to God alone you render your fruits for judgment
For the ledger kept is the mark of those who can forgive  

A belief in a dualistic world is to say evil is separate from good
It is as powerful as good and the creator allowed this to happen
If we say that the creator is only good, then what of evil?
Is it the absence of good or is it a war with our own reflection?
Must we assert our goodness or our own evil devices of destruction?
We cannot wait for good to destroy evil or so history has proven
Yet men stand in front of horses and hoses when death has failed
Having made their peace, they wait, for the hour to be chosen

It is our task if good is the passive nature of a benevolent absent God
But if we are made in his image then is he made of good and evil?
If the good in God is also ours, we know of it but who will summon it?
We must take it upon ourselves to steel ourselves upon the anvil
But if our nature is such that the absence of good makes powerful evil
Then is it evil alone that can save us from the very nature we possess
That is why we concern ourselves with such notions as a just war
And wait until the day when there is nothing left except to confess

The more assurance I hear from you the less that I am
I will not say, “This is truth so repent now or perish forever”
Humility is the admission of all that we do not know
But the depth of ignorance it too vast to be called only a river
If humility is to be rejected then your aim falls below the sunset
You have compared yourself to a horizon that will never be found
You have accepted that what lies beyond is of no consequence
Because what matters is that you stand upon your own holy ground

I hardly know myself much less why I am this way
I believe I have a soul, defined as unseen consciousness
But which story of long ago was witnessed by honest men?
I can only hope that I will survive after my body perishes
I will never tell you how to live because I cannot live my own
I will never judge you for your beliefs, only if you hurt someone
There is no contrary opinion that should result in physical conflict
For in the end, what can I prove except that peace has come undone

If I am so insecure that I must destroy all who disagree
Then it is I who should  be destroyed for my weakness of spirit
There is too much temptation to place money above the individual
And too much desperation to steal what they cannot inherit
But as I choose to walk with the pride of knowing my place
And the honor of allowing all who come to sit in front of me
I have found that behind the multitudes there is a place of rest
And it is a place where good and evil can both finally agree

A quiet girl standing behind the bar
With the questions in her hand
A soulful face with no expression
She knows more than we understand

Her mind adorned by color
She hangs the pictures on her body
Framed by soft skin
She doesn’t care if we see

It’s not how life is
It's what it can be
The girl who painted her body
Lives her life so free

Riding on her own green carpet
From the world where she lives
In a land of concrete and steel
Her life is about what she gives

For a moment she smiles
If only so slightly
She is listening to all of us
But controls her own destiny

It’s not how life is
It’s what it can be
The girl who colored her body
Living life so peacefully

I wonder if I could ever do it
And paint my body with my mind
I come from a destructive world
There are no answers for me to find
As I stand so close to her
I can see her inner beauty
I could never be like her
I already gave my soul away for free

Everyday when the sun settles down
She risks her life on the street
You would never know she was here
Except if you were lucky to meet

It’s not how life is
It’s what it can be
The girl with her life on her body
She is telling us to come and see

The only thing that touched you
Were my eyes
As your life neared mine
The pain of separation
Was borne
By my arms
My hands
My mind
My heart
Pain born of silence
My voice
Trapped
Within the fear
Of rejection
Yet I could not look away
And for a moment
My life
Became a vision
The only thing that mattered
Were what my eyes saw
In you
As I watched
You walked
As I watched
You breathed
As I watched
You left
The only thing that mattered
Was your pain
Hidden
Behind your smile
But did you notice?
My mind... pacing
My heart... racing
My life... changing
The only thing you noticed
Were my eyes touching you
Was that not enough?
Or did you need my voice?
My arms?
My hands?
My heart?
My life?
To believe you are beautiful?*


Copyright 2011. All Rights Reserved. Mark Lecuona

Oceans morning moon winking, at
sea gate keys rusted pleasures,
opening loves barnacled secrets, clutched
by tentacles intertwined forever silted

Rocks carved by crashing waves,
shadowing moments before instants, of
loves memory building sand castles
in the rain guided by passing masts

What could be drove her into the surf;
it was never the man as he was,
but what her heart told her was waiting
beyond rip tides and winds that didn’t care

Morning after’s had to wait for dawn,
nights alone knew that mornings alone
felt the same; but the hold of a ship at sea
at least carried her memory with him

Birds picking the lustfully heaving waters
at midnight, dodgy flowers in a stormy garden,
she could only wonder about such things,
while he could only wait for the night before

The wash behind drew life near, expectant;
she could feel the life in his wake, including
her own; but he knew what she could not
believe; this bow longs for her port

OH GOD NO!
NO NO NO!

I want to love her
But she does not walk the streets
She does not walk with my enemy
I would share her with desperate men
If it meant we could be civilized

I thought about lies
And killing another man
I thought about the holy ghost
Does it live in this land?

She wants to be angry about how we treat her
But it is so
It is so because we are not like her
We are mean
Because that is how we were made
We know what our gifts are

NO GOD NO!

Why is my gift violence?
Why is my gift fear?
That is why I’m still alive
That is why men fear me

ME!

Why God?
I fear you
But men fear me

He believes
He is chosen
Allah praise be unto him
And my rifle sights him in

Let me lay next to her
An exotic dark eyed beauty
From another land
From the land I walk
Her face is covered
And it is who she is that makes us crazy
Crazier than gold
Crazier than oil
Crazier than rare earth
She is the only one that can soften a killers heart
A stranger
A strange woman
Because she is strong enough to love an assassin
Strong enough to love a man about to die
Because she is a woman
And she knows why we are angry
She wants to lay next to anger
Only anger can reach her
Even though she is soft enough to care
Soft enough to care about war
And the men who must die
They die for the flag
She dies for their heart

NO GOD NO!

She prayed all night
Help me Lord
Help me love these men
Help me love their sword

The bullet passes through her
From me to him
And he accepts death
Because she gave him life
She loved the bullet
Loved it because it was life
The way life is
Death
Death on the way
Reaching around love
Flying through love
From hate to love to hate
And she watched it as it approached
And she stopped to allow it to pass
Pass through her heart
To soften my hatred
She never blinked
As we shared her before death
She shared the killer
She shared the victim
She stared at us both
She asked if we wanted the bullet
Did we want the bullet to be us

NO GOD NO!

How can I love her?
She is stronger than me
Yet I am the killer
When will I cry?
Her tears became mine
As she took her clothes off
Naked as the world stands
Truth
She said **** me instead of him
**** me she said
Because I’m dead already
This is not my world
It is a world of anger
A world of desperate men
Who cannot love each other
Or me
So **** me
**** me now

NO GOD NO!
NO!
NO!
NO!

Listening for the sun, pretty ballerinas waiting
Glasses full of ice but what of their hearts; are
they still hoping or is it just sadness escaping?

Reality or mere existence, it’s hard to know how to live
Solitary women making their lips sing, but would the
stars remember what tomorrow can never forgive?

There was nothing I could say
Walking inside a fish bowl
You can’t hear the light
But what we choose to see
Is either the prism of what is right
Or the shadow of what is wrong

Listening for the sun, desperate men burning
Eyes full of passion but what of their hearts;
are they still hoping or is it a memory forgetting?

Reality or mere existence, it's hard not to think of it
Solitary men making their voices heard; but would
meaning choose which candle would finally be lit?

There was nothing I could say
Walking inside a fish bowl
You can’t hear the light
But what we choose to see
Is either the prism of what is right
Or the shadow of what is wrong

What blood that would flow inside of us
melted from twin peaks before our birth
could ever turn us against our own?

The reflections come from our eyes
And within them are his revealed words

What heart that hears its companions
in harmony with its own voice would
ever silence itself and deny its purpose?

Each white light brightening the green
Drawing us nearer to the season

What braided rope would willingly
unravel until each thread has become
so weakened it cannot love another?

As we think once again of a baby
We offer the plank from within our eyes

What family would dishonor itself solely
to preserve the desires of each person
over the strength in the love of the many?

*So we may cross the divide between us
Upon the path we have laid for forgiveness

What can a reflection be to itself
Or a falling leaf apart from its mother?
She did not know the answer
She could only scratch her heart until it bled
Like eyes watching lovers that fall but never set

Pilings choking under rising tides
But not high enough to relieve their burden
A wax candle waiting for the torture of the flame
She could only watch knowing its life was short
Soon to join the memories she could never forget

By her rosary she knew somewhere was a blessing
By her cross she knew she was still saved
The stars that had chosen those who would look
Lit the path as she returned to the night sky
As her heart asked if life was only about regret

He taught me how not to hurt anyone
And not to trade in his name
For my ambitions are not his for blame

He taught me about the quiet air all around
And how what I could not see
Would be the life breathing inside of me

He taught me how not to love war
And why those are blessed
Who tell us only peace feathers their nest

He taught me about the sounds we hear
And how man would discover
That wood and steel could speak of a lover

He taught me to accept all human difference
And to know of his presence
For what I do not understand is his providence

He taught me that what is holy is the ground
And that all who walk are seeds
Planted for those who follow to fill their needs

He taught me that my children are my life
And that time passing is to know
That they will fill the river that my age made low

He taught me that his word is our bond
And though life itself may lie
It was his promise that we would never die

My face, like a wax figure
The party, a parade of curiosity
Laughing at what they will never remember
Unless someone plays the fool
I hide behind my bravado
An invention, a fabricated symmetry
But a hint of oddity remains
A strange sort of allure, fierce
Stronger than life itself
For life itself is no longer enough
Not like it once was
Every feast devoured
Weakness or strength, digested
But my eyes are not vacant
I understand my effect on you
My face, unaware of itself
Alone, without a mirror that reminds
The longer I forget
It’s flaws of no concern
Because that couldn’t be it
You smiled long enough to see
The lines that run together
And the blood rushing to fill them
I was naked once again
I knew it would happen
Civility, the weakness of morals
You wanted me to guess correctly
Were you afraid of God or of yourself
I made it easy for you by walking away
Neither thinking poorly of me for an indiscretion
Or drenched by the deluge of sin
I could not help myself
But if you could just tell me the answer
I will know why I waited for so long

The last time I actually forgave someone
I felt like Jesus or something
Until that precise moment
I realized I was good for nothing
Why was it so important to me?
I knew what the book said
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you
But I acted like the words had never been read
Trust becomes bigger than all of us
It's a hard thing when you learn about a lie
What's worse is how they don't like who you are
It was no longer about another guy
I don't get all this stuff about change
I was who I was the first night we spoke
Then the moment we shared wasn't good enough
I became a fish flopping in a boat
Why couldn't I stay in the river?
That's where she found me
It's not like I asked to be different
But it became her life to always disagree
I think I should treat a girl like everyone else
That way she knows what's real
Then she can decide if I'm the one for her
Maybe she'll understand how I really feel
I saw a picture the other day
Of an earthy girl and her man
They seemed happy with each other
Just like the first day their love began
She knows how I felt back then
She knows how I feel now
It took an awful long time
To get over a broken vow
It's not that I even loved her that much
I just thought I'd never understand women
I can't say that I do now
But I've learned they need to be forgiven

Lo que los ojos de una mujer pueden decir
Es más de lo que un hombre podría decir
Pero lo que sus oídos fingen escuchar
Es más doloroso que el silencio de su boca
Porque el sueño un día también crecerá en silencio
Y volverá al silencio de sus ojos para preguntarle a su corazón
¿Por qué me miró mientras dormía tranquilamente?
Porque mi vida es atormentada como un lobo aullando a la noche

I walked towards you from a vanishing life
With every intention of adorning my loneliness
With you
I held you in my arms and found within your body
Every desire that I felt alone at night
Without you
I asked you why you let me in when you said no before
And you told me that finally your fearful mind
Got out of the way
You had the aura of availability yet I could never be sure
Your smile had no message to tell
It had no feeling to convey
Now as you gasp at my boldness
You realize how fantasy explodes on contact
And submission becomes real
You failed to see in my exposed eye
How I would ravage you until you were exhausted
Your virtue my last meal
And as the lonely enter a new world
Of reckless abandon and no restraint
Will we remember
That even as I made you bloom
The leaves may scatter soon on the pavement
Because every love has its Fall

I saw beautiful homes and lawns
Lined by frowning gutters and awnings
I saw broken lattice and falling fences
During a mornings smiling dawning

Sometimes it seems what money can’t buy
Lives where there’s no money at all
Until the cold chill arrives
And the leaves begin to fall

Living on the tracks with no place to go
I lived on one side
And then the other
Living on the tracks with no place to go
What I found was what I didn’t know

I’m not sure what it is I believe
I just want what’s best for my kids
But the real world is on the other side
I wonder if they could live on the skids

I left home because I just couldn’t cope
Now I’m alone and I feel the same
I’ve learned more about myself
And those who have no name

Living on the tracks with no place to go
I lived on one side
And then the other
Living on the tracks with no place to go
What I found was what I didn’t know

Every small child wants someone to love
We’re the ones who make them feel small
They want to smile even with a broken toy
Don’t cover them when the leaves begin to fall

Stringing beads of discontent, dangling
Every color of the spectrum, strangling
Over shallow waters of ignorance
Where the children choose to wade
Rather than deep waters where shadows are made

Remove it from our sight
Remove it from our sight
Why are we bound by the things we hate?
Remove it from our sight

Blank faces with no souls, staring
We describe them instead of caring
In time we will know what they were saying
What memory we choose is what stayed
What we refuse to abandon is the image we made

Concrete setting in our souls
Filling the crevices and the holes
Enough we say of this way of being
Give me the pain of knowing and seeing

Grace is in how you forgive yourself
We removed it to see for ourselves
We had to know this time
Why the price was already paid
For children not knowing why they were made

Remove it from our sight
Remove it from our sight
Why are we bound by the things we hate?
Remove it from our sight

Western man is not a Stupa
To observe architecture is not to be
Even if you know why it was built that way
Or what it means

The iconography symbolizes our differences
Rotating to the East where the morning sun is seen

Relics of the death of desire walk freely inside

It’s shape

Earth
Water
Fire
Air
Space

The purified elements

Unknown to those who watch the sun set
And to those who remain trapped in their desire

And so

Do you **** or do you love?
Can you be both or neither?
Can you suffer without desire?
Can you desire and not suffer?
Can you love suffering and hate desire?
Will you die by desire
Will you live by suffering?

Without desire
You cannot love

Without suffering
You cannot feel

Are you afraid of pain?
Is pain life or death?

Do you understand the things you say?
Or what you wish to be?

The mountaintop is so lonely
It causes pain in those who need you

Yet

You

Avoid

Suffering

Is this life?
To eliminate
Desire?

Will you dig
Until you cannot see the sun or the stars?

What did you prove when you became immune

To passion?

Is it
the way
to end
all desire?

To end
all need?

To end
all experience?

To end
all feeling?

To end
all touching?

To end
all wanting?

To end
all expectation

In you?

I cannot end desire

Or suffering

Because
I cannot end life

Can you?

I talked to my boy because he thought life as a toy,
but now he knows it’s a painting, and
what his mind will employ, to dodge every ploy,
are the colors of his own making, but
what only he felt was spoken while he knelt,
for what he believed was in waiting, and
what would never melt where the cards are dealt
would be the assurance time was saving

He had to decide who spoke truth and who lied,
but the colors he mixed already knew, it
was as if the one who died and the one who cried
were mixed in time for something true, even
if what was breaking was what was awakening,
for what is a man if not his own hue, but
only his own making can dream as he is sleeping
before the morning when he became new

I can't treat you like the rest of my life
What it takes to pick myself up
Is not the kind of strength you want from me
I don't really fall down anyway
I think about it all night
And fit you in between work and a dream

It's really not that deep
But I committed to white water rapids
I have to see this one through

I can't treat you like a paycheck
I know I need it but sometimes I want to quit
It's not the real world anyway
Even though you said it might as well be
I keep thinking if I can write a check
Then our problems won't really be

It's actually very deep
Things move slow this far down
I'm still hoping you'll see this one through

Why is the moon
So close to our hearts?
While the hot sun
Burns love before it starts
We can look
Into lunar eyes
While the solar winds
Carry our goodbyes
Does the moon love us
Because we return its gaze?
Does the sun remain bitter
Because we close our eyes to its rays?
The moon guides our lonely night
An audience to our dreams
While the sun awakens our delusions
And reveals all our schemes
It knows
Unforgiving in its intensity
It knows
It offers us no pity
So we run to our lover
At night as it smiles
Soothing our tired eyes
Understanding all our trials
The sun... a solitary sight
Dominates our horizon
The furnace of life
It does not embrace or wisen
Though we walk with a chill
And beg for a warm heart
It seems distant
I always feel apart
Tonight I will await
The understanding moon
Though you reflect the scolding sun
It is you who makes me swoon

This will never happen
I’m tired of waiting
A dream is exhausting
Yeah that’s what she said

She knows
The future
Because she knows my past

You won’t be a man
And you will never be
Unless you set me free
Yeah that’s what she said

She knows
The future
Because she knows my past

She reached me
She did it so easily
She made me want to love her
It’s not just her beauty
It’s how she understands a man
She loves being a woman
And she let me be me
She did it without even trying

But she knows
She knows what will happen
She sees the look on my face
It’s not here
It’s not with her
It’s somewhere
But it’s not here

She’s a prophet
She’s a prophet
She’s a prophet
She’s a prophet

You don’t have to love it
You don’t have to hate it
Just know something about it

Don’t be ignorant
Don’t be belligerent
Just be intelligent

You don’t have to buy it
You don’t have to sell it
Just know something about it

Some things have already happened
I’m not the one who can take it back
Some people like to put it one way
Others talk about it like it’s fact

You don’t have to become it
You don’t have to agree with it
Just know something about it

Don’t be judgmental
Don’t be prejudicial
Just be spiritual

You don’t have to make dark of it
You don’t have to make light of it
Just know something about it

There’s more missing than we care to admit
We hear things then hang the phone up slowly
If you are choosing which bridge you must cross
The decision to change your nature is for you only

Why are we digging up graves
And picking their forgotten pockets?
We want to bring them up
And wear a dead man’s locket

A doomed ship brings comfort
At least they died in history
To a man who has nothing
It’s better than anonymity

How you gonna die
When you don’t know how to live?
What’s the point of fighting
When we all forget to give?

A man only see his color
And still he points a finger
A woman sees her *******
And still wants a man’s power

They only want what you got
Or they want to see you fail
Either way that’s how it is
Just don’t ask them for bail

Who wants to **** a man
For the sins of their father?
Who wants to silence your mind
Because freedom can’t be bothered?

Forty years ago they sang of Green Berets
And being on the Eve of Destruction
Now it's the same thing and I can't believe
How can we suffer so long and keep passing it on?

I never met a man who talked so freely
Like a man who can’t be found
We hear the voices from the wilderness
Tearing the fabric of which we were bound

I know people who hate me
Because I won’t hate the one’s they do
They say I’m the problem
And the world will be better when I die too

I wonder where I can live without all the noise
Maybe one room is all I need
Just some candles and book from long ago
Then I can relax instead of bleed

I’m ready to lose all my money
I’ve already picked out my street corner
It’s just a matter of time before you see me
Then you can drive by and throw me a quarter

I wonder if I could really do it
Live in the rain and cold outside of churches
I wonder if the President would take me in
Guess I’ll sleep under newspapers printed with his speeches

It seems everything that mattered happened long ago
I still cry when I hear songs of my childhood
I can't find a new memory to take their place
Maybe when I die I'll see them before they light the wood

Wake me up when my dreams have come true
But not until yours have had their chance
I’ve learned to live while I sleep
You can have the day's next cheap romance

I remember when you were spring in my arms
When we were close we knew why our eyes came together
But what was shelter for my soul fell to my bare feet
The nails dug into my heart and so did the stormy weather

What was once a free life is now a guilty existence
You said look into my heart and I’m trying to think that way
I thought I would know by now how to feel about love
But there is a shadow made without light that won’t go away

Why are we wasting away
We can’t sleep
We are so suspicious
All we do is weep
We can’t make a life
Our sadness is too deep
I need a reason for me to stay

I can’t beg or be angry any more than you can my love
The rest of the world can’t see inside our closed windows
We need to find out how much we want for our own life
We can hurt each other or try to make light without shadows

I always was the lucky one
You said I had a guardian angel
But what I thought was a cool breeze
Was only her flying away

Why are we wasting away
We can’t sleep
We are so suspicious
All we do is weep
We can’t make a life
Our sadness is so deep
Give me a reason to stay

You forgive everyone
but you can’t love them
stop forgiving me
live with me
be my equal

Did you forgive someone
for begging
for being poor
do you understand
or do you make yourself feel better

Are you the one
do you stand on the mountaintop
then tell us
is what you see greater than failure
what else could we learn from the past
how else would we really know
is that what you see
or do you need the distance between us?

I don’t want to be forgiven
I want to be understood
can you see the callousness of my mind
the weariness of my heart
the pride that overcomes shame
yes I know myself
do you know yourself enough to know me?

Have you run from your conscience?
You are a half-breed believer
You do not know where you belong
You cannot decide
Who is right and who is wrong

Find the human being inside you
That is where you will begin
It is the easy road
And the right one
It will help you carry the load

Whether cheap robes and scarves
And a beaten brow
Or summer dresses
And a Kentucky wide-brim
The truth cares not who it caresses

You could not decide what to believe
So believe in me
And what I tell you today
Is that you need no one
Except that from which you ran away

It is a simple life
If you will only let it
You need not shout
For no sincerity can be heard above a whisper
Forget anything except your place
In the lives of your children
And your parents
For your need not want for more
What praise is beyond fleeting?
What words are not forgotten?
But what love does not last?
Only that which you pursue
It is in the heart that you can touch
With your life
And your own blood
That is what will last
As will humility that is genuine
And honesty
For though these things are as spare
As arrogance is intemperate
You will feel what is meant by life
Wheat fields bent by the breezes
Softness that will gently comfort
Those who you love
And quietly conquer
Those who do not suffer your need
For their approval

I wonder if this is how it will end
“Yeah, I remember him”
What more can it be anyway
Just to fit into someone’s life
Even if you didn’t talk for years

Everybody is already there
We’re just playing out the hand now
Somebody new doesn’t stand a chance
They can’t compete with the past
I’m already a made man

If I can stand you for a week
Then that’s a close to love as I get
You can’t suffocate me
That’s why I got rid of the pillows
We’ll lay flat long enough to breathe

What I say is what I think
But the way I turn at any time
Depends on the way time looks at me
I will always consider your feelings
But I’m going to push my personality far

I’m looking for another door
Different than the one I came through
An entrance awaits on the other side
But is it leaving or just passing by
It depends how big the thought is

You finally did what I no longer care about
That’s what twenty years on does to you
I could borrow more money than I’ve made
Somebody trusts me that much
Or is it a trap like when you said I love you?

Don’t ask me to wish you luck with all your money
You spent your time pretending but who’s kidding who
Now you walk away into the sunset that you finally noticed
Justified by the praise of people who want to be just like you

What echoes in my mind is rejection of the message
There are shadows upon my future as if it even exists
The weather is not a summer breeze but a still day
There is no reassurance for a man who resists

But what did they learn from your gift of callous focus?
Ruining people’s lives was just something you had to do
It didn’t matter because the enterprise was your mistress
You tried to hide it but she was all that was inside you

I thought it was creating a need where there was none
Or impressing someone who wished they had an office
But the ink that couldn’t be recycled recorded a past I hate
I wonder if the man who threw it away has clinched fists

Who would relish in destroying a working man’s pride
Where are you when he has to tell his family he’s lost
How hard can life be when they laugh at all your jokes
Except the ones who know your warmth will turn to frost

A vacation without rain isn’t too much to ask is it?
But how do rapids form waiting for someone like me
I’m willing to stand under the falling tears of heaven
I won’t ask nature to be something it wasn’t  meant to be

You have to learn to say thank you but not really mean it
Every pleasantry has a price like every dollar paid is a loss
His wife waits for him to come home knowing his mind won’t
But the old wine is the dividend from him being the boss

I wanted to be everything you have ever dreamed about
But you didn’t know you had to live with another man’s ambition
I wonder if we could move to a small town and leave it all behind
I just want you to believe in me and not someone else’s vision

I wonder about beautiful people
They gather together
And stand
And move
Switching perspectives
Always smiling
Unless they’re not
Then they leave
Then they do it again
And they say what they say
And nothing changes
But their view
Of one another
Not so much their opinion
But their angle
Because people don’t change
They just move

They act out their part
But is it who they are?
Or who they think they should be?
Really they are just desperate
To stand somewhere important
They breathe a sigh of relief when something intelligent is said
Or witty
Because it confirms their standing
And yet it’s so silly
Because what does it matter
To be amongst people
Or to be alone?
It’s all the same
Unless you are trying to get laid

I’ve never learned a thing at a party
Except that I hate them now
I don’t want to be the life of the party
I’d rather people not remember me at all
Except for maybe one thing that I said
One small thing
That was so profound that I could not utter another sentence
Because what would be the point?
Each additional word drowns the previous one into irrelevance
Because then they can’t think about what you said
Instead they must continue to listen
Then they forget
And then where are you?
Standing next to beautiful people
Who one day won't be so beautiful
Unless they shed themselves of these things
Standing next to beautiful people
Who one day won’t be so beautiful
Unless they shed themselves of these things