I vainly sought in him a cure to the same pain he caused.
we would raise our arguments like sitting ducks just to to knock them down with reasons of logic or luck of love
Some things cannot be undone, people say we are meant for each other, but is it truly so
Maybe just a comfortable phase but will anything grow?
He whispered that there was only me, I believed all that he breathed in my ear, he pulled me in close, closer than anyone before..
I think I hate him now, a bit more every day but I've not given up yet- I want him to stay.
I wonder.. how do you fight jealously
How do you make it stop it’s constant hunger inside you.
Skin so soft that it doesn't seem real, in so deep I can’t keep it concealed
but
The doubt is consuming, the wall inside me was well-built and unyielding, my heart left too crippled from past abusers to possibly endure anymore pain
So if this love fails it will destroy everything in its wake.
I become enraged from time to time when the little green bug called jealously feeds away inside of me
Love has taken control, the knowledge that i let “love” dismantle the wall,
that i spent years building and reinforcing
brick by ******* brick, piece by ******* piece
i let him gradually demolish it and now i am powerless and susceptible and now he has me by the heartstrings and he holds me in his greedy palms.
I even pray to God, I tell him that i would do anything
anything just to take back control.

You give and give until they pull everything out of you and leave you empty

In this battle for the freedom of our souls some may think
Maybe I should've let go long ago
From being kings and queens, Chiefs and Pharaohs
To ******* in the cotton fields
To slaves being whipped and forgotten
We were stolen.
Stripped from our homes and looted of our gold.
Fast forward
Now we are doctors, lawyers, professors
But Don't tell me the cotton fields have recovered from our tears
Our sweat seeps deep into the souls of America
So Don't tell me the cotton fields have recovered from our blood.
Fast forward
"All are equal before the law and are entitled without any discrimination to equal protection of the law."
They tell us equality is coming.
That it is here.
Then let you wait holding your breath
Suffocating.
Black boy shot and killed for walking down the street
Black boy whipped and beaten for looking master in the eye
Tell me are you still holding your breath?
Still suffocating
Still waiting for the keys to our chains
Fast forward
Black lives matter
All roads torn down, we've paved new paths  
Stripped from our houses so we built homes
Lotted for our gold but we are golden
Black is hard to get rid of, that annoying stain that stays to long
Black is rough and tough
Black is solid in luring ways
But
Black lives won't matter until we love our own people
Black lives won't. matter. to. them. because you've called that girl a "*** or Thot"
Black lives won't matter until we stop the black on black blood splatter
For black lives to matter...
We must empower each other
Standing together the ground will break recognizing he whose tears, sweat and blood upon which it was built
So take one look at our past
Because this will be the last

Imagine falling out of a window or getting in a car crash, break some bones, get a few stitches, scrape some skin
You'll get a cast, few bandages and anesthetic
Now Imagine cancer, a tumorous mass maybe somewhere in your brain or lungs.. not even noticeable to you let alone those around you then some day there's a huge 8 pound mass right in your cerebellum...
Fact of the matter is your body has produced this and it is actually trying too **** you
That is what depression is like
Depression isn't a sudden disaster
You go through your whole life thinking your okay maybe this feeling is just apart of getting  older till one day you wake up and you wish you hadn't.
All you've got is the Oxytocin blues and an appetite for Ritalin
****** to be able to face people and Prozac to make it through the day.
Now can you imagine finding a cure too all the ailments of life, all the hypothetical and real problems.. something even Xanex, opiates or hallucinogens will never allow you really feel.
The essence of another dancing throughout your mind, seeing significance in life even if not yours but that of another.
when you find someone who makes you understand the definition of these words, when you find the one person you can't get out of your mind after taking pill after pill desperately trying to forget them, when you look at someone and can't see a flaw, when your with someone that makes you feel so much all at once that you have to stop and try to remember the last time you've actually been that happy or laughed that hard and can't think of another single moment like the one your in..
You've found your cure.
Some of us don't

Sometimes I just want to end it all
just open my veins, let it all pour out,
so I can rest, finally pull myself out of this mess
I'm suffering a pain that nobody should go through,
My sanity is gone and my mind's a disgrace,
I've given up a hundred times,
but I'm still here..
time to swallow my hypocrisy
I hate myself for the things I've done
Expectations of me exist
They are like a cancerous cyst
I hate myself sometimes for being who I am
Life just seems grim

Let my words
continue to carry beyond this page
and into my veins
for purpose, for clarity, for understanding
of how lovely the days have become
now that I've found you
Let my words, on this page
entwine in our veins
and my worries slowly disappear
now that Ive found you
                 I wrote of you once before we met of how my words would blossom and expand and touch the sky just for you
how I would have a million different combinations of letters and words..
a thousand ways, just to tell the world how I feel about you
so here I am
affection felt, feelings bared
Love is suicide
Hyperventilation, Cardiac arrest
I am crippled by the absence of your warmth when you're not around
Struggling to be free, Whilst chained to the ground
Love is passion
desire fueled, velvet kisses
moaning pleasure, telling sighs
firmly pressed, flawless motion
sweaty bliss, drops of lust
stained flesh with satin fervor
Love is the hope 20 years from now
I'll still be writing of you under the night sky whilst admiring the moon after we finally calmed our son's nerves down about his first day of school in the morning
Love is idiotic
Its so much easier to push someone away, than to let yourself become vulnerable
To give them the power to hurt you.
Showing your true feelings is relinquishing all your power.
Trusting someone to not take advantage of your weaknesses.
And that, is an absolutely ridiculous act
Once weakness is spoted, it is used and abused, untill you are just a quivering mess lying on the floor, wondering how you ever let yourself get into such a situation.
love is in its whole all of these things
and I love you

forgive me but the pain I feel is inexplicable
i don't even think you would understand
forgive me if when I'm gone you'll miss the way my fingers
traced lines on your skin
forgive me if when I'm gone you'll miss the way my lips made you feel
I wish I could describe
but it's difficult to describe depression to someone who’s never been there
because it’s not sadness, I know sadness. but this..
it’s that cold absence of feeling—that really hollowed-out feeling
but with you, I was the person I wanted to be
please forgive me if when I'm gone you'll miss the sound of my voice
but I promise soon you will forget the sound of my voice and the feel of my touch
as I did yours
I drank my way out of every memory and I pretended nothing hurt until it didn't
so forgive me
perhaps we'll meet again when I'm better for you

most days i sleep my mornings away
sleep the deep feeling of my pain away  
running away from my depression into the comfort of nothingness
no sweet dreams
no beautiful nightmares
just a wide oblivion  
but today.. this morning
I woke to a wonderful sunrise and pain so strong
everything I've kept suppressed
I felt every ounce of pain shooting throughout my body
through every nerve  
I felt like i was drowning
imagine three hundred pounds of held back emotions.. no longer just pain
Throw me into the ocean
sinking
suffocating
swarming me
i can't breathe anymore

life constantly being faced with false pretenses of emotions
is it crush or are you just lonely and in a rush
do you really like her or do you like the idea of her
the idea of love
that someone can love you,
it gives you this high that you simply can't deny
but you see the hidden cause of her being oh so vain
see a path full of pain,
see the growth of her insecurity
how she was left with so much passion but no sense compassion
some say she will bring herself down in flames
but would it not be a fire so beautiful, that they themselves will be drawn in because she is the devils spawn, she brings you to sin but every time she knocks, you can't help but let her in
because those nights where you felt so hallow inside,
she was there
when she isn't there all your thoughts sound the same,
your mind is only ever running in circles
you're desperately trying to rake up all the thoughts that are sharp and loud far into the back of your mind
then you wait..
wait for them to become something
less,
less then a murmur
before you gain the urge, to pick up the pen and give your thoughts life
but ha.
you won't because it scares you more than life itself
giving her life again
after trying to destroy her
she can never love you again
your muse
why must inspiration manifests itself
in a female form, igniting creativity
she is a flame inside you
flickering,
teasing,
caressing,
smoldering.
teetering on the edge of imagination.
and you are a painter
decorating canvases with words
of her
your words are endless
knowing no bounds
she is your cruel inspiration
she is the fuel that keeps you feeling
the smile on your face
the pain in your heart
the hello that never comes
the inevitable goodbye

I am open-minded and complex
I wonder about my future
I hear the ocean kiss the shore
I see the sun die every night for the moon to live
I want freedom
I am open-minded and complex
I pretend to be happy and content
I feel like a mother holding her baby for the first time
I touch every star in the nights sky
I worry I will get everything I dream of but will even be unhappy then
I cry over my fallen angel
I am open-minded and complex
I understand forgiveness
I say la ilaha illallah wa muhammadar rasulullah
I dream of blissful memories with her
I try to make her proud
I hope she is watching over me
I am open-minded and complex