Maybe you do love me, maybe you're only half lies. Maybe there's a small part of you somewhere that sees me. as more than just a means-to get to the things you think you need. And maybe what little you give is all you have when it comes to love. Maybe, just maybe. But that's not enough.

You made me think that I was not enough- never even worthy of your insufficient love. You made me spend my whole life believing I was faulty, inadequate, broken. With everything you did- actions and words unspoken.

Not good enough, smart enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough. Not perfect enough to qualify by what was expected of us. And if I wasn't enough for you to love, someone else doing so would be undreamed of. To cut it short, you ****** me up. Now I have no idea who I am because-

You made me think that I was not enough- never even worthy of your insufficient love. You made me spend my whole life believing I should be hidden, stored upon the shelf. With everything you did- all your awful things kept to yourself.

I was the first you made, now I'm a mess you've made. If I believed you could change even now it'd be too late. The damage is done, neither of us has won. I didn't well enough serve your purpose and I'm still being punished for it.

I was promised my freedom for years and it was just a dream. Some constant reminder of my forced dependence you could dangle upon a string. All you wanted was to hold me back and all I wanted was to run free. Well I'm finally doing it without you, despite what you say I'm breaking through. For once in my life I'll be actually happy. Maybe for the rest of my life I'll figure out what it is to be me.

You made me think that I was not enough- never even worthy of your insufficient love. You would still make me think that I am faulty, inadequate, broken. With everything you do- actions and words unspoken.

No longer need I be scared of you, no longer shall I go through things no one should ever have to. You can't ever again make me feel like I'm not enough- because I don't care- I've found another source of comfort and love, and I wouldn't expect you to be there.

I hate you.
Almost as much as I love you.
I've been fantasizing about stabbing you in the legs the way I used to fantasize about kissing your face.
I thought that I had one person I could always count on,
I just knew you'd never betray me.
Guess I was wrong.

You broke my heart,
I want to break your spine.
You make the worst ex ever, and now you're mine.

I want to hurt you the way you hurt me.
I want to stuff glass into your arteries.
I want you to stop saying you're sorry.
I want you to invent a time machine,
So this'll never've happened.
So neither of us will've learned this lesson.

"Darling you're the world to me"
"My love, you make me so happy"
What an idiot I was to believe these things.
Now you've got me writing slam poetry
Because I figure it's better than murdering you-
And that little ***** you ****** too.

You were drunk!
You felt alone,
You were confused,
And guess who was right there to comfort you?
That's no excuse.
I sure hope going down on someone new,
Was worth throwing that rare and beautiful thing we had away.
I never knew someone could hurt me this way.
Oh and by the way, I hate you.

I don't miss you.
I miss being held really tight.
I don't miss you,
I miss having someone to sleep beside at night.

I don't miss you,
I miss being kissed sweetly.
I miss hearing someone say they love me.
I miss laughing together,
I miss arguing about who was funnier.
I miss being myself with someone else,
I miss having someone who knew me so well.
But I don't miss you.

I don't miss being ignored,
I don't miss wondering if I was truly yours,
I don't miss finding naked pictures of other girls,
I don't miss you acting so bored.
I don't miss your hurtful words,
I don't miss the broken oaths you swore.
I don't miss you.

I miss your deep blue eyes though,
They were so calming.
I miss you giving me the fluffier pillow,
A small gesture, but it wasn't wasted on me.
I miss your kisses on my forehead and nose.
I miss your laugh, your smile,
I cherished those.
I missed you singing to me,
Such a terrible voice- I found it so comforting.
I miss the hands that held mine,
I miss how our bodies intertwined,
I miss seeing the love in your eyes.
Maybe I do…

No. I can't miss you.
You don't miss me.
Being hung up on you would make me vulnerable, weak.
Something I can't allow myself to be.
That's how boys like you hurt girls like me.
I don't miss you, really
I miss who I thought you were,
not who you turned out to be.

Sharing headphones, secrets, and dreams. It's one of my favorite memories. Remember when we told each other everything? Every thought late at night, all the sounds beneath the bed that gave us a fright. I thought I'd always have you till the end. More than sister, you were my best friend.

Whispers beneath blankets in the back seat. That those days are gone I still cannot believe. You understood her hatred, we were each others' saviors. But now my favorite person is just a distant stranger, and that kills me. I lost you gradually, you faded till you were gone. And all of sudden, I realized I was all alone.

You just didn't come back one day, it was as simple as that to leave. I know why you did it but I hope you still miss me. Cuz I miss you, I always do. When I hear the songs you got me into, when I'm alone and I just wanna be near you. Oh. Why'd you have to go? And leave me all alone.

I hate, oh I hate, that its awkward now between us. She's driven us both away with the petty things she does- but she still pulled us away from each other. Thanks for that, mother. Oh, my sister, my old best friend, I beg of you, come back again. Cuz I need you so. Oh why'd you go? And why'd I do the same? Just about three years later and neither of us is to blame.

Our silent understanding, we could tell what the other was thinking, without even speaking. One look, and we knew. If I had one wish, I'd wish I never lost you. I knew every time you left you'd be back soon, you'd never leave me alone.

Until one day, few months, a couple years, you didn't come home. I was in denial, soon you'd be back, then you'd laugh at me for doubting and give me your brightest smile. Silly child. It was for more than just a little while.

I hate, you should know I hate, that its awkward now between us. She's pushed us away with hate but she still pulled us away from each other. Thanks so much for that, mother. Oh, my sister, my old best friend, I beg of you, come back again. Cuz I, I need you so. Oh why'd you have to go?

Lately you just look at me- like I'm the worst.
And that ***** cuz the only approval I ever wanted was yours.
All I do lately is make you so angry,
So come on please tell me, what am I missing?
Did I just forget something?
Or have I ****** up everything?
Oh, I hate when you're mad at me.
It doesn't lose it's affect because you're angry perpetually.
Trying so hard to please,
I'm begging you for mercy.
Your "dead to me" looks hurt enough to **** me.
You know you've done some bad things too.
Much worse than me, and I still love you.

When I asked for you not to be so disappointed in me,
You just laughed bitterly.
I must pay a million times over for one tiny slip, a lapse, a small sin.
When I said I was on the edge you called me a liar- again.

I swear to God I'm trying.
May he strike me if I'm lying.
Today I didn't even want to come home.
I'm working myself to the bone-
And for nothing.
What have I done to make you distrust me so?
Maybe I could make you stop hating me if I could know-
Why?
Was there ever so desperate a soul as I?
Groveling over the smallest faults on my knees.
Doing everything I can to make you forgive me-
For whatever I've done.
The flames of your distaste burns hotter than the sun.
Sorry I'm a disappointment.
All those awful things you said, I'll just assume you didn't mean it.

The word is tainted. A word that means love, for someone there to defend. It's an honor from above. Yet for you it's a weapon. For your defense, not mine. So you can smile for the public and stab me from behind. Meaning eternal love and tenderness. Not meant for such hatred and excuses. I am a tool for your use, and its too easy for you to cover up your abuse. I hear you were supposed to nourish, not see how secretly you could watch me perish. You should've shown me support, but you preferred to break my heart-
So mother dear please listen. I'll take up some of your time for myself and then. You'll maybe understand-why this is happenin. Don't make yourself the victim, for we both know that is not who you really are. You've been the center of attention. But this time I won't let you go that far


Did you ever love me?-Didn't think so.
Society would say I'm just being dramatic, and it's absolutely horrific, for me to talk like this. Well for once, yes just this once I'd like an opinion. I would like all to see how you've really been. Disillusionment's a *****.

Melancholy lullabies.
New expression in your eyes.
Sad and lonely,
Soft and lovely-
Somehow at the same time.

Comforting as acid rain,
You can see me feel your pain.
Hush now love, put those away.
Find your strength it's here to stay.

Melancholy lullabies.
Now you cut off all your ties.
Skipping meals like they were stones.
Hearing madness in your tone.

Finding hope in new-found ways.
Smiling while you feel the pain.
Words so soft you cannot hear.
Chin up darling, I am here.

I can't take this.
There's no point to my existence.
Useless.

Did you think I was kidding when I said I wanted to die?
And you thought it was due to some silly guy.
No. It's more than that.
No matter what I do I just drive everyone away and make them mad.
So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment and thorn in your side.
I'm sorry for all the times I let you down and when I lied.

I'm sorry if you're sad when I'm gone but trust me, soon you'll be relieved.

You say the world is flooded and you can't breathe.
And you lost your oxygen tank so now you're drowning.
Well that's okay, just hold onto me.
I'll pull your head up above the sea.
I'll introduce you to the breeze.
I'll teach you how to swim.
And most important,
I'll help you breathe without him.

Dear daddy, you said not to give away my whole heart. But it's a little too late, I loved him right from the start, from that very first date. I know you're worried about your baby girl. And you think I'm too good for every boy in this world. He'll never be good enough in your fatherly eyes, even if he's just shy of perfect, in mine.

No matter who comes along, I know you loved me first. Yeah daddy don't worry, I'll always be your little girl.
You say when you held me in the hospital you cried "She's so beautiful!" And from that first moment, we've been inseparable. Dad. You've been here to hold me through the good and bad. When mother made cry, you dried my tears. When I got scared of the dark, you calmed my fears.

You said I was the Wingnut that held your life together. I don't think I could've asked for a much better father. To teach me about the world. No matter who comes along, I know you loved me first. Yeah, I'm still your little girl.

No boy will ever change that- yeah he'd fail if he tried. You've been the one who's always here by my side.

When one day he comes to the front porch to you and mom. I hope you remember what I said in this very song. When he asks for my hand, you tell him yes but to remember he's not the first man, to've lived, to love me. You were first yeah weren't you daddy? Tell him that even though he's come along to take your baby girl, no matter what happens, you can still say you loved me first. See I gave away all of my heart. There's a place for him, for mom and my brother, and especially for you, the first man to ever hold me in his arms. So don't worry, cuz dad he makes me happy, he swore he'll never hurt me- and I believe him completely. He's not come to take me away, he's come to join me from this to the end of my days. And when I inevitably come home I'll still say "I've found the love of my life and he's lovely, but I know you loved me first. Yeah daddy don't worry, I'll always be Your Little Girl."

I love you.
But not in the way it's been rumored that the both of us tend to do.
I love you because you're always there for me.
I love you because when I crash and burn you tell me it'll work out perfectly, just wait and see.
I love you the way I loved my sister before she went away.
I love you the way I would've loved my mother if she'd cared for me in any way.
I don't love you the way I was cruelly fated to love he who hurt you.
I love you the way children do;
Innocently,
Because you're the only one who truly understands me.
When I'm crying,
When I feel like dying,
You tell me I'm strong enough and that I deserve to be happy,
And that you love me.

I always heard your first kiss is magical and it'll take your breath away. Mine was confusing because your lips were there and I hadn't had time to process, I was just thinking "what did he say?"
I'm sorry I was so shocked by what was happening I pulled away. I had no idea what was going on, and it actually didn't last very long. The truth is, it was awkward as hell. But it was you, so in a way it was magical as well. I want you to know I'm glad my first kiss was you, maybe we'll get it right on kiss number two.

Maybe the pain on the outside is easier to deal with,
Because we know how to fix it.
Cold water for a burn and an ice pack for a bruise,
A bandage for a cut and kisses for little boo-boos,
Cough medicine for a cold and casts for broken bones.
Insides are harder though-
What's the cure for feeling alone?
Maybe I hurt my outsides because I know I can fix those.
But when it comes to all the awful things I feel inside, I've no clue.
And I can tell neither do you.
You think I'm mad because I make slits in my skin.
Well at least I know how to heal them.

Christianity:
Love everybody, no matter what;
If they're homosexual or even a ****,
It doesn't matter what life they lead.
Help your fellow man if he's in need,
You really needn't add to your growing greed.
Jesus said the most important thing in the world is love,
And that we should be kind to others even if they're not kind to us.
We've all sinned and we're all equal in God's eyes,
So mistakes of someone's past are no excuse for us to despise.
We know we are all children of The Lord,
So we should love every last person in this world.

Bigotry**:
If they're different, they're evil.
If it scares me, it's from the devil.
If I feel uncomfortable about something done by my fellow men,
Then surely it must be a sin.
Always judge, always be intolerant.
I think I'm moral, but I'm just ignorant.

I dreamt I was being consumed by the sea,
Everyone watched and the only person who didn't care was me.
I dreamt my life ended in the sea,
And for some reason that made me happy.

I may put this poem up again someday but for now I've taken it down because the person I wrote it about found it and used it to mock me and showed it to others so they could laugh in my face.

Being almost 18 is like purgatory,
Or at least it is for me.
A state of in between-
I hate being a teen.

Almost old enough to live on your own,
But there's school and no money so where would you go?
Not wanted at either house, you're already alone.
There's the screaming and throwing things with good intent,
Or the house you could never go back to again.

That's why it's purgatory.
Stuck in between and living though I'm not here, not really.
My soul is on a ten- year vacation, I hope it comes back well.
Maybe this isn't purgatory, maybe it's more like hell.

Today was my birthday.
So why am I not feeling okay?
I'm legally an adult today and that's exciting right?
I'll be able to tell once I stop crying.

Today celebrates me being alive, I shouldn't wish to be dead.
Maybe it's because it didn't feel special.
A few half-hearted "happy birthday"s and that's all.
Or maybe it's because I'm off my meds.

I wish that I was a better artist so I could draw the evil images behind my eyelids.
I wish I could see why I've been denied happiness.
I wish I wasn't so plain.
I wish I were a better poet,
so I could write my pain.
And spin something beautiful from it.
I wish I believed in wishing,
I wish I'd found hope in something-
Anything.
But most of all, I wish you would see that I'm trying.

I've told you a million times I believe in your dreams-
But not in the ones that haunt you in your sleep.
Those silly premonitions you truly believe,
I swear will be the death of me.
You awoke inside me a glowing flame,
And then for my strong feelings you put me to shame.
You broke my heart over a misunderstanding.
And it leaves me wondering-
Did you ever really care for me?

I'm jealous of your skinny jeans.
They hug you tighter than I do and they spend all day with you.
They feel places of your body I've never felt
And know your contours better than I do.
I'm jealous of your skinny jeans.

Oh dear brother, please don't lecture me. With the best intentions, but you're so naïve. You don't know, how far you are from the truth. I bet you believe, every lie she told you. I'm not your enemy, I'm not the bad guy here. So please out of respect, won't you lend me your ear? What reason could you have to not trust, these words I say? I'm sure her lies got in the way.

Oh dear brother, please don't lecture me. With your best intentions, but you're so naïve.  I bet you believe, every lie she fed you. I'm not your enemy, I'm not the villain here. So please out of respect, won't you lend me your ear? What reason could you have to not trust, these words I say? I'm sure her lies got in the way. Well listen up and hear the truth in my voice. You and I have just been her pawns without a choice. Happiness is just the path we yearned for. I'm not playing her game anymore- cuz I
Want my own life. I'll live it just fine, on my own. And this will be the best example I've ever known, of too much control.

He's fire-
With flames ever soaring,
My heart they're engulfing-
Destroy everything around.
He burns me away
And I love the pain.
I scream and the fire swallows it down.
He devours me whole
And scorches my soul.
God it hurts-
But I want more.

You're the rain.
I ride out your storms
Because inside I'm torn
On whether or not I should stay.
When it burns and I'm all dried out and alone
You send me a shower of love and of home.
Sometimes you trickle down softly,
So comforting,
But sometimes you leave me with a drought
and I'm prone to fire.
When you're gone too long I build my funeral pyre.

I love the rain but I'm enchanted by flames.
One soothes and washes away the pain,
The other will **** me-
I'm sure of this.
But the burning is such awful bliss.

Turn me to ash and I'll smile as I fade away into nothing,
Yet I complain to you that I'm drowning.
This is what I wanted.
To be quenched.
But I'm a pyro and I'm making a habit of it.

God bring me a storm and I'll dance in it.
Love, rain once again and I'll get my hair wet.
Because I don't need fire, it's dangerous.
But I love the rain for all its nourishment.

He wrote about a girl who was perfect.
With the whitest smile and flowing brown hair,
Eyes like diamonds she looked lovely no matter what she'd wear.
Everything went her way-
she didn't know what it was to have a bad day.

When I read that I knew I wasn't perfect,
More broken than he thought.
When I struggled to hold back the tears in my eyes
he just smiled and continued to talk.
He knew I was broken.
He'd have known if I never told him.
He once looked me in the eyes and told me he knew I wasn't joking-
when I said I couldn't stand the pain.
So how couldn't he see?
When he was standing right in front of me?
I told him I was an ugly crier.
He told me I was a liar.
So beautiful, so oblivious, so mild.
When my life was falling apart he was the only one who could make me smile.

You bit my lips,
Then traced them with your fingertips.
You left me speechless.

You pierced my skin,
Like breaking in,
Straight through my defenses,
You made me helpless.

You ripped out my eyes, so I couldn't see.
I became blind so I could choose to believe
That you could choose to suffer loyalty,
That you were actually looking at me.

And you numbed my brain,
My thoughts entangled,
My sense disabled
It felt like a migraine.

I covered my ears,
From your words I couldn't bear to hear.
You were bored by my tears.
I once held you dear.
You were becoming my worst fear.

My heart you hurt worst of all.
The pain was often dull, but it dragged on and on.

If you find peace, give me a map.
Cuz I'm looking, can't find my way back. If you reach love, remember me still. I'll let you go if you're more loved there- I promise, I will.

Just don't forget me. I could never forget you. Don't feel badly, I know you thought it's what you had to do. You weren't selfish, just self-preserving. I'd no idea you were unhappy, only now am I learning.

You taught him to love again, and you taught me to trust again. I more than loved you, you were my best friend. Now you're teaching us what it is, to lose again. Thanks for the lesson, I think I've learned by now. Nothing is constant, the ground beneath me's shuffling. And I try to mend my heart but it's crumbling. Without you, I can't reach you.

You hurt me,
I forgave you.

I was forced to go,
You took me back.

You weren't very faithful,
I forgot it.

I cried because you broke my heart,
And seeing that broke yours.

You left and treated me like ****,
I took you back because we both don't like being alone.

I had moved on,
Because you told me to.

You showered me with love and affection,
I hoped this time it wouldn't be temporary.

I was cautious at first,
You got me not to be.

You said this time would be different (you always did),
I believed you (I always do).

You treated me like I was unimportant,
That was okay, I'm used to it.

I gave you everything I had,
You were happy to take it.

You used me,
I accepted it because you made the bad thoughts go away.

I put myself through hell to make you happy,
You said I was being clingy.

You were hurting inside,
So I comforted you.

I needed a hug,
You needed your space.

You became distant,
I felt alone.

Every fraction of my life fell apart,
And you jumped ship like a coward.

You were cold and uncaring,
I cried myself to sleep.

I was going to surprise you for our one year anniversary,
You beat me to it by abandoning me.

She said she wanted to be treated like a goddess-
So I praised her mind, her humor, her beauty.
Yet she wasn't happy.

I offered her my love, my time, gifts, and acceptance
But she was unimpressed by it.  

Head bent I worshipped her body
And she wanted more.
I wished to give her everything-
I was so devoted to her.

I tried to write what she meant to me- explain how I'd be lost without her.
Still my words didn't seem to matter.

She wanted to be treated like a goddess.
She wanted sacrifice and pain.
So she ripped out my heart
And spat out my name.

I hear couples say "No I love you more"
Back and forth
Like its the cutest thing,
But it's so heartbreaking.

I love you enough to let you treat me poorly because you don't love me more.
Acknowledging that some has to "love you more" means that person loses.
Because you'll give what you will but they're all in on this.
"I love you more" means the same as
"You love me less"
Isn't that horrible?

You show me no sympathy,
But still you love me.
In your way you do-
Not the same as I love you.

I'd give you anything.
I love you more-
So you can hurt me.
Maybe I want more from you.

I stay up all night to hold you because you shake from the nightmares in your sleep.
But you look bored when I'm sitting here crying.
"I love you more" isn't romantic- it's a tragedy.

You don't look at me the way I look at you.
Your eyes say "affection"
And mine say "I'm devoted to you".
Love always seems to hurt more for one person.

If I run away will you run away with me?
Oh, if I run away will you run away with me?
We could go to California, or up to New York City.
I don't care, just come along with me.
We could take a train, a boat, a car, or a limo.
So long as where I go you'll go.
We could go by helicopter, bike, steamboat, or horse.
We'll go south or north...
I don't care.
So long as you're there.

Yeah, if I run away will you run away with me?
Let's escape our troubles, you know we've got too many,
But I've got a way out, don't you dare tell anybody!
I'm running away- I'll be gone before the moon.
Say goodbye to my family, I won't be seeing them soon.
Oh, sweetheart, I know our love is new.
But I think this could be it and I'm getting outta here with you!

Oh, if I run away will you run away with me?
Won't pack my purses, or my fancy shoes.
There's just one I need to take and that'd be you.
Take my hand, we'll be there shortly.
Let me rest against your shoulder,
Together let's grow older,
Forever's not so long with you baby.

Come run away with me.
My parents hate you...
But lately they hate me too!
So let's get on out of this place,
I need a new start.
I can write poetry and you can play your guitar.

Readers of this poem may call me a narcissist,
But I wish to list the positives.
In a life full of negatives-
God knows I need them.

I stopped cutting,
It's been hard but I did it.
I wish I could say I'm proud of me,
Because I'm the only one who's noticed.

I haven't disobeyed my parents by driving others in my car.
And I've been good and my boyfriend and I haven't gone very far.
That's about it,
Other than that I'm failing and I feel like ****.

The sadistic little cherub.
Inflicting painful love.
He isn't sensible, he isn't kind.
He doesn't care- for heart or mind.
He flies on fluffy angelic wings.
And golden arrows he absently flings.
He hits his target every time.
To make a sane man's pain sublime.
Into the hearts of unsuspecting victims.
He pierces and then watches
them.
Falling in with reckless loves.
Fools and martyrs they become.
And all for a baby angel's fun.

I know he'll never make me happy.
He'll never make me laugh until I can't breathe.
He'll never get past the walls I've built up to protect a heart that's been broken already.
I'll never truly love him.

But that's okay; tolerable.
Because he'll also never hurt me.
He'll never make me happy but I don't care.
As long as he never makes me miserable.

Within a month you told me "Baby I love you so". You were the first boy who ever told me that, this you know. And this won't be the first time, and before I waste another line, I've got to tell you no. And you know why, cuz you're insane and clingy and I'm a waste of your time. Time to be disillusioned darling, cuz you're way too needy!-And I'm pleading- let me go.

So this is how I'm telling you to move on. I wrote you another ****** song. And I know, that it was really ******, so cold and mean of me, to say it to you this way. But I won't regret a single word I say. So move on. Trust me you'll feel better when I'm gone.

You think I'm so sweet, your perfect sugarplum. Well babe how can that be true when all I do is make you glum? You want to hold me tight but you make me want to punch you every single night. Oh thank God, you'll never be mine.

So this is how I'm telling you to move on with your life. I wrote you a ****** song so you'd listen up this time. And I know, that it was so **** ******, so cold of me, to put it to you this way. But I won't regret a single thing I've said today. Just move on. Trust me you'll feel better when I'm gone.

So take a word of advice, I won't sugarcoat it or say it nice. You really gonna make tell you twice? To move on!

You don't love me, don't be absurd. You think you're the only one who was ever hurt? You're so selfish, so ******* demanding. You asked too much of me so I'm telling you I'm done. Forever! I wipe my hands of you as friend or as lover. To tell you the truth, I never wanted either.

And now I'm telling you, to move, the ****, on. Yeah all I did was write you a really ****** song.
And I know, that it was really ******, so cold and mean of me, to tell you in this way. But you're annoying as hell, dumb and whiney as well. You think I'm nice, but just hear my last advice: leave me alone. Bye-bye, you'll be better once you move on. Yeah leave me alone.

Dark souls.
Eyes half closed-
A melody from the river.
Whispered softly,
The tune comes to me,
And I shiver.

The doves asleep tonight,
The devil owns this night.
Sing this song for the trodden.
For we refuse to be forgotten.

Sometimes I sit in my room and try to cry quietly.
Because that way no one will hear me.
I try to be silent with my tears,
because someone knowing how weak I am seems to be my biggest fear.
But there's also a part of me that wishes they would.
Then maybe someone would care, and help, and make me feel understood.
But since that's so unlikely,
I'll keeping crying quietly,
Hoping no one will notice me.

I know you're right here in my arms-
Yet I feel you slipping away.
We fight again but this time
You don't try to make me stay.

You told me to leave,
Leave, leave you.
As if you thought I ever could.
You want me to go, go on without you,
Like you really thought I would.
And what hurts the most is that you didn't try to deny it when I said,
You'd let me go so easily?
Be gone and to you be dead.
And you didn't seem to care when I told you how badly, you'd hurt me.
And you didn't try to say sorry.
Guess you don't need me-
Won't stop me from leaving.
You seem to be done,
And to think, I love you like I've never loved anyone.

I know I'm needy,
But I just wanted you to need me.
I feel like we've fallen apart,
And I'm losing the other half of my heart.

There was a time he was crazy about me.
There was one time he called me pretty.
I think back then I often thought about him.
That was the time when I could call him my friend.

Once (long ago) he used to hold my hand.
Was long ago he could call himself my man.
There was a time when I was sad he left me.
My first romance, I was so naive.
I let a stupid boy mistreat me.

Back when he could crush my self-esteem
In his bony hands.
There was a time when we were happy together-
Before I knew I should be treated better.
I'm so glad that now I understand.

Think of it now, he never gave me a compliment.
Because he stopped being attracted to me (I don't get it).
He wasn't kind,
He was never truly mine.

He was terrible and I never knew
But I used to think that it was okay,
There was a time he hurt me with the things he'd say.
A long time ago he wasted my time,
Yet I accepted his every crime.
That was in another life, before I met you.

Having the same old conversations but adding nothing new. You've had enough of me and I'm ******* done with you. We just fight and you cry and I feel like the bad guy- then we start again. I don't even remember when we were friends.

You get so off track and I try to pull you back. But then you act all sad, and it makes me feel bad. Settle down, why can't you just calm down? What can I do to make you come around? You're spiraling out of control. You're not making any sense, you know. If I'm more a hindrance than a help I'll have to let you go. On your own.

I'm gonna punch you in the face if you won't shut up. Dude, I've had enough. Yeah you know we've been having the same old conversations and adding nothing new. You're getting fed up with me and I'm so **** tired of you.

Say it again, I know you'll say it again. You'll tell me you love me, you think maybe this time it will mean something. But you're way off, you're so illusioned and scoff- when I tell you your empty declarations don't mean a thing- to me.

You're so extreme, you're just a male drama queen. You drink and drive to risk your life, then brush me off and tell me you're fine. You're a danger to yourself and everyone around you. I don't know how to react when you're in these moods. Shut up. Just let me think. I don't know if I can pull you back, when you're reaching for the brink. I can't stop you if you're determined to sink. There's only so much I can do, before I'll be forced to give up on you. I'm trying so **** hard to save you but you're making it impossible. I can't fix you on my own, you give me no help at all.

Despite what you think you're a pretty smart guy
But you're so dumb sometimes.
Why is it you see yourself in such a negative light?
Don't you know I love you?
Shouldn't the depth of my devotion be enough proof-
That you're nothing less than totally devine?
Silly self-reproaching boy, I'll be sure you never feel imperfect so long as you're mine.
I'll make you love you,
Like I do.

They're right, it's me.
I'm my own worst enemy.
It's all my fault- I'm the problem,
Or at least the root of all of them.
If I could just live up to their expectations they wouldn't treat me this way.
If I weren't so needy someone would want to stay.
I was being selfish trying to run away.
No they're right, they're right.
If only I could sink into the night...
I'll never have anyone.
Never succeed at anything.
I'm a failure and a ****-up and that's all I'll ever be.
It was wrong of me to blame them,
It's probably just me being crazy again.
I'll never be free
Because I can't support myself financially-
In this ******* economy no one is hiring.
Losing this life will mean nothing to me,
It's not mine after all- no, not really.
It's theirs.
They make my decisions, decide where I go.
Dictate how I should appear and who I should know.
Change my hair and style and wear warm-weather clothes so the scars do not show.
Please don't be mad at me for letting it go
A girl can't survive deprived of hope and alone.

There's a first time for everything.
First love-
First kiss,
First real relationship.
First time I knew you were looking right through me.
First time I doubted you,
First time I questioned the motives for the things you do.
First moment I suspected you didn't love me.
(First time you proved that theory)
First time I knew you thought I was inferior to thee.
First time you yelled at me.
First time you touched me and it wasn't lovingly.
First time you pulled away from a kiss and then wouldn't look me in the eyes.
First time I knew some of what you said would still be just lies.
First time I could see myself building a life with another person.
First time I loved freely without needing permission.
First time I thought you were different.
First time I realized you were just like the rest of them.
Remember the first time you got so afraid I was going to leave?
First time you made me cry, first of oh so many.
First time you hugged me.
First time you spoke without love or sincerity.
First time you said you missed me.
Our first, and our last, anniversary.
First time I prayed for a cardiectamy.
First time you told me I wasn't special or smart.
First time someone ever broke my heart.

Ever since I first nervously stuttered out "I think I love you" to you in my car almost a year ago it's been easier for me.
I never said that to anyone,
the man before you never heard it.
I wouldn't even say it to my own family.
But I felt safe saying it to you
I love you I love you I love you too

It just rolled of my tongue.
You're such a dork- I love you
I told you all the time so you'd never forget-
You can be pretty forgetful.
I told you I did when I was sad and you just held me and let me cry.
I told you when I saw it in your eyes,
I said it when you made me laugh and smile,
When you were hurting and just needed to feel love for awhile.
I'd whisper it to you like a secret,
Or yell it so all the world could hear it.

I reminded you every night before you fell asleep,
Or whenever I had to leave.
I said it seriously, a promise.
You'll always have a place in my heart, never forget this.

I smiled whenever you said it.
But then you said you just didn't.
And now I'm afraid that I'll say it again, let it slip.
Every time I say "Goodbye," I start to finish it with "love you.", but that's not my place.
You don't want to hear that, I'll try harder next time to not let those damning words escape.

In my favorite movie they say that "love and hate are two horns on the same goat" and I never got that until I loved you.
Because I don't just love you, sometimes I hate you a little bit too.
Sometimes you make me so **** mad I could scream and throw things at your head.
But most of the time I just wanna cuddle close and kiss you instead.
Sometimes you're so judgmental with such a closed mind.
Even though you're usually pretty accepting and oh so kind.
Sometimes you have this awful superiority complex.
But usually I'm the one who is telling you you're the best.
Sometimes you're closed off, selfish and mean.
But most of the time your honest love and laughter is my favorite thing.
It would be an understatement to say we don't always see eye-to-eye.
But at the end of the day I think you're lovely and I'm glad you're all mine.
You see, hating you and the thought of us ruining what we have fills me with fear.
But my God it is so worth loving you,
my dear.

It's one in the morning.
And I am not sleeping.
While everyone else is cozy and dreaming-
I am tossing and turning.
Fuming and yearning.
For your touch,
For your taste,
To hold your hand,
Look at your face.
I should go to bed,
I should get you out of my head.
But I can't.
Because it's 1:30,
And you still haven't spoken to me,
Not in weeks.
Just to be clear,
I want this to be the last thing I ever write about the first man I held so dear.
I want to not think about you anymore,
I'll move on with my life and you'll move on with yours.

I dreamt of monsters with eyes like two open wounds.
They had long bone-white claws meant for wreaking havoc and doom.
They came in hoards-
Creeping right toward my door.
But I did not fear them.
Because as I turned I knew I was a beast far worse than any of my demons.

There's this girl I see a lot.
We don't talk much, maybe just a few remarks occasionally.

I'm ******* her.
I don't give her any credit.
Why should I when no one else is going to?
God but she's a wreck.
Sure she can paint on all the expensive makeup and bright smiles she wants but I know.

I see her.  
That pretty white smile beneath her plump pink lips- fake.
The ***** cries herself to sleep most nights.
So weak.

Half the time I see her she's trying to fix herself and the other half she's crying because she can't.
What a mess.
I should just reach through the glass and end her.

Why hold on?
If what little we had- is already gone?
I was told to make a list, of all of your rights and wrongs.
If you came out ahead,
We should work for what we have.
If you were still in the red,
Then our relationship was dead.
But you came out precisely even,
And I'm unsure of that meaning.
So I don't know,
Where our love is meant to go.
But I do know you want a fresh start,
And I don't know if it matters to you anymore that you leaving would break my fragile heart.
If you're just waiting for this to end please just tell me now,
And spare me the extra pain of holding on to someone who is already gone.
But just know I'd do anything to make us work,
I really don't care about your insecurities and all your little quirks.

Dear Lord please,
I know I haven't been the most devout lately-
But I still do pray, to beg aid of Thee.
My pastor said You promise to never give us more than we can handle,
But this is too much.
I want some bit of relief, just a little touch.
My old favorite teacher can't stand me and its reflecting in my grades.
I thought this year would be easier- that's what I'd heard people say,
That was the general rule.
But this year is killing me.
My grades are slipping,
Mind deteriorating,
Sanity drifting...
Lord please help me with school.

My parents are yelling all the time,
At me or each other.
They accuse me of every crime-
Innocent or guilty, they don't care.
So long as I don't cause problems, do everything perfectly, and be sure to maintain my hair.
I begin to wonder if I'd be better off with my estranged narcissistic mother...
My friends hate me.
I'm not exaggerating, just stating facts simply.
They spread rumors and snicker behind my back,
About the apparent virtues and wisdom I lack.
They tell lies, make assumptions, and bully me to tears.
I feel a piece of me die every time I choose to ignore their sneers.
I don't have nice friends, I don't loving family.
Lord, please help people not to hate me.

Then there's this last thing, this weigh on my mind.
The knowledge of this burden, is only a friend's and mine.
I cannot tell my family or jeering friends,
Or even my sweet beloved boyfriend.
I don't know what to do-
Please don't let my fears come true.
The stress, the hatred, the failure, the depression- its killing me.
Lord, please preserve me and save me from suffocating.
So this is me, begging for undeserved salvation again.
Amen.