Dear Lord please,
I know I haven't been the most devout lately-
But I still do pray, to beg aid of Thee.
My pastor said You promise to never give us more than we can handle,
But this is too much.
I want some bit of relief, just a little touch.
My old favorite teacher can't stand me and its reflecting in my grades.
I thought this year would be easier- that's what I'd heard people say,
That was the general rule.
But this year is killing me.
My grades are slipping,
Mind deteriorating,
Sanity drifting...
Lord please help me with school.

My parents are yelling all the time,
At me or each other.
They accuse me of every crime-
Innocent or guilty, they don't care.
So long as I don't cause problems, do everything perfectly, and be sure to maintain my hair.
I begin to wonder if I'd be better off with my estranged narcissistic mother...
My friends hate me.
I'm not exaggerating, just stating facts simply.
They spread rumors and snicker behind my back,
About the apparent virtues and wisdom I lack.
They tell lies, make assumptions, and bully me to tears.
I feel a piece of me die every time I choose to ignore their sneers.
I don't have nice friends, I don't loving family.
Lord, please help people not to hate me.

Then there's this last thing, this weigh on my mind.
The knowledge of this burden, is only a friend's and mine.
I cannot tell my family or jeering friends,
Or even my sweet beloved boyfriend.
I don't know what to do-
Please don't let my fears come true.
The stress, the hatred, the failure, the depression- its killing me.
Lord, please preserve me and save me from suffocating.
So this is me, begging for undeserved salvation again.
Amen.

I'd hate to think you're the reason for his perfect smile. If you keep going on like this, I can't help but cry. He was so perfect- please don't ruin him. If you let this all go, we could just pretend. Oh, my dear, you used to be my best friend. Now you just like use my sweet friend. The poor guy, taken in by overly-made up eyes. You're obvious. But so delirious, if you think I've given up, just because you think you've won. You are terribly wrong- we'll just blame your low IQ. I'd hate to be anything like you.

I just can't look at you, without seeing all the things you put me through. That's just not what good friends do. You know I'm just too good for you.

You don't get to see me cry. I'm doing my best not to be betrayed by telltale eyes. Don't try to make me feel bad for my feelings. I'm not the one involved in deceitful dealings. I trusted you with my secrets, should've known you'd never keep them. Oh, lost *****. You won't hear from me much more. Everyone is taking my side, and I'll watch all your shallow friendships die. I hope they were worth seeing me cry. So kiss your reputation goodbye as you kiss him. Enjoy it, I won't see it happen again.

When you feel bad, I'll be ever so glad. Cuz, oh, you don't deserve to make me this sad. Any normal person'd feel like dirt. But you love seeing others hurt. Enjoy your victory. I'll cover up I'm so unhappy.

I just can't look at you, without seeing all the things you put me through. That's just not what good friends do. You know he's just too good for you. I know he'll figure that out soon.

Don't try and make them pick sides- cuz they already picked me. You're alone, dear, don't you see? You are your very worst enemy.

You said this was the end forever.
You promised me this would be better.
You swore you wouldn't become a stranger.
Before you left you kissed me twice and the second time you lingered.

But in all the days since,
I've not gotten a single look, a word, a kiss.
You've replaced me with an empty distance.
I wish you would've said yes when I asked if I'd be missed.

You held me to make the panic attacks go away.
You sat down beside me when I begged for a few more minutes you'd stay.
You said leaving me wasn't easy-
But now I'm dead to you today.

You said this wasn't the end.
That even though you were leaving you'd be back again.
That even if I wasn't yours I could still be your best friend.
I should've known your words were just pretend.

Her peers would've pronounced her
"Fat, stupid, ugly.
Useless, annoying, crazy."
Her parents would claim she was
"Immature, lazy, and meek.
Troubled, moping, and weak."
Her ex would say she seemed
"Desperate, lonely, and sad." He'd say that since he dumped her she'd gone half mad.
Her friends may've told you she was
"Broken, scared, depressed-" well I think you could guess at the rest.
Her therapist said she wasn't doing very well.
Then the doctors sighed there was no more they could do to help.
Her angel said she came too soon to his loving arms, but know that now she is safe far from all harm.

Who I am, that doesn't matter. I've told you my name before but you wouldn't remember. You don't care and I don't blame you. If your friends saw someone as alone as me they'd avoid them too.

I'm just the girl crying in the stairwell. With secrets and stories to tell. But I'd rather be away from you and your judgmental eyes, that's why I came here where I won't listen to your lies. No more. I've lost all hope, my only cure.

I'm so miserable, you find that pitiable. But it's not your problem so you needn't be bothered- with it. I am different than you, and that's scary. You don't know how to handle that so you choose to shun me. I'm not judgmental, I'm not fake, and I don't care what you and your stupid friends think. That's so odd isn't it? That someone should just wanna be herself? But look where that got her, she's here in the stairwell crying all by herself.

What more can you even take?
******* for making me feel like a mistake.
I would still give you everything-
If you just wouldn't take all of it away.
I wish I didn't still care so much about you.

Maybe, maybe you don't love me,
But you could still care?
You no longer want me,
But when I'm hurt you could still be there.
No. That's silly.
I'm sorry, I know you don't love me,
And I shouldn't love you.

You couldn't have hurt me so much when I was hopeless-
When I had nothing to lose.
******* for showing me what it was to feel bliss,
And then to feel worthless and used.
I hate that even now I need you.

You made me happy, you made me pathetic.
******* for hurting me,
Just know you'll regret it.
Because you always do.
It's a cycle, I know you.
What's most messed up is I want you to come back again-
Want to give you another chance.

I remember when you held my broken pieces in those cold hands of yours,
Let's try again and maybe the pain will stop before my heart does.
My fleeting uncaring weak dear love.
No. Not mine.
But I'm yours.
Forever yours,

You really aren't understanding me at all.
So let's pretend it was my leg that was broken instead of my head and my heart.
I've crafted a metaphor-
In hopes you'll understand me better.

I broke my leg and it's quite terrible.
But you still expect me to walk, even though I'm unable.
What is wrong with me?!
I should be able to walk, to run, to not be so helpless and needy.
Even toddlers can walk so why can't I?!
It's easy, you think I just need to try.
I am trying-
But you think I'm lying.
I'm walking on the leg that hurts so much,
To try to please you.
Doing permanent damage and still failing.
Every now and again completely falling to the ground flailing.
Oh not this again!
Get up!
Stop faking!
You're fine!
Walking is easy!!
It needs time to heal, it needs care and time.
I'm acting so overdramatic- it's really a crime.
I'm a disappointment.
I should be better than this.
I should be able to walk-
But my leg is broken and trying to walk on it is just making it worse.

It's been five months.
It hurts to even write that, more than my flowery words can describe.
Such a long time,
Yet it feels like yesterday that you were mine.
I've been lying.
For five months I've been telling them I'm over it. Over you.
I was lying to myself too.

The truth, dear, is that it still hurts just as much right now as the moment when you said you didn't love me.
God, I remember it perfectly.
And secretly, even more pathetically, I still love you as much as I did then,
And as I did five months in.

I thought it would help if I hated you,
But that's exhausting.
I thought I needed time alone,
I made myself lonely so I could be whole on my own.
I thought I needed to move on,
I've done that, like I ought.
My darling, he's sweet, and smart, he makes me laugh, why is it not enough?
He's good but we'll never be in love.
I thought I just needed time.
But it's been five months.

Pretty angel don't follow me to hell.
I'm a sinner caught under your spell.
If you dare move a step I'll let go-
But if you stay in place I'll implode.

You kissed my forehead,
Imprinting the feel of your lips onto my brain.
You kissed my stomach,
And gave it butterflies.
You kissed my lips,
With yours ever full of lies.
You kissed the lids of my eyes,
And I saw our future together.
You kissed my neck,
And I craved you.
You kissed my hand,
Though you usually held it.
Last time you did this you kissed me goodbye,
This time you didn't even smile.
That's how I knew you meant it,
And that this time it was permanent.

You know, it's kind of *******.
The people who say "Just talk to me when it's bad and you want to end it"
That those are the last people you'd want to tell.
You love them and you don't want them to worry.
Why should they too feel my hell?
They needn't be upset anymore by me.
You know they'd help because they love you.
But you don't ever want them sad and concerned just because you can't deal with things since you love them too.
I guess that's irony.

So there's this thing.
There's this hell of a thing that's been bothering me.
And as I write this out I don't know whether when (if) you read it,
It will make you sad and distant or you'll just grab my hand and call me silly.

You keep telling me you'll love me "forever and always" but just now you admitted you might not.
You've validated my fear that you may someday find someone more beautiful, less crazy, more hot.
And he or she might be all of the wonderful things that you deserve that I am not.

What if we break up again and you don't take me back?
What if you find someone who has all the things I lack?
What if one day you realize you don't love me anymore?
You're already sometimes unsure.

I feel stupid for being so certain about us when you can't be.
I get so scared that one day you won't want me.

Well even if you aren't sure of how you'll feel in ten years, I am.
Even when it's hell being with you, God knows it will always beat not having you.
I just hope you figure it out.
I wish you could say you want me forever starting right now.

My thoughts frizz and sizzle away incoherently
Killed too soon by my anxiety.
You asked what's wrong with me
And thought I was exaggerating when I said everything.

Write. Write it down- make it rhyme.
That'll clear my mind
Stop the darkness from clawing it's way outside.
Make a list- that's what she makes me do.
Make lists for everything from weekly chores to properly cleaning each room.
Lists lists lists lists lists.
I can't take this.

Anxiety. That's something wrong with me.
Why right now I'm crying in fetal position shaking violently.
Introversion. I'm scared of my own voice- though I've been taught it's a voice that's wrong and insignificant-
I'm scared of it.
Weakness. I can't stand up for myself
Protect myself from this awful hell.
I can't be good enough.
Never good enough.

It hurt so much when you said I should hate you.
Cuz that's the problem, I still care so much about you.
You're an idiot, you're selfish,
You say I'm stupid but you're the one who's foolish.
You said you were terrified-
That things would change, that you'd hurt me.
Well now you can't look me in the eyes,
Ever since you said we weren't something that's lasting.
I asked what I did, what made you so unhappy?
You used the old cliché "Babe, it's not you, it's surely just me."

I'm getting better at coping with this ******* but it just keeps piling on.
I'm stuck here singing the same old song-
About how I've been wronged.
About how I've suffered.
About all the things I've lost both to enemies and to lovers.
If I reach out to anyone, those I loved and depend on will surely leave me.
But if I keep it inside, I know I'll lose myself completely.
I guess what I'm saying, is I'm all alone-
And I hate that feeling.
I've lost touch with reality!

Hate, love, love-hate,
Basically it's all the same.
Doesn't matter what they say, they'll all hurt you anyway.
I may sound like a broken record,
But I'm just a broken heart.
I feel like I'm bleeding out,
It's only good for my art.

I had just one who loved me,
And who always treated me kindly.
But he sealed our fate with infidelity.
Oh remove my heart please!
For I tire of it's melancholy beat.

One, *two,
I love you.
Three, four,
You made me love you more.
Five, six,
You **** at faithfulness.
Seven, eight,
I'm filled with hurt and hate.
Nine, ten,
I just wanna be yours again.

I woke up this morning thinking I was okay.
But then I remembered and now once again there are tears streaking my face.

Play me a song, my love.
Pick up your guitar.
I think I've got the lyrics thus far.
Play me a tune, darling.
Make it soft and sweet- for me.
I know you like to play fast but for once let's take it slow. Oh oh.

I didn't fall in love with you the first time you made me moan softly into your chest.
Stupid boy, I didn't fall in love with you when you touched my *******.
These physical sensations would mean nothing me,
Were they not with the one I love so truly.

You must understand that in my mind love and *** are connected.

I think I fell in love with you gradually,
It didn't happen so quickly for me.
It started when I saw how sweetly you blushed and stammered when asking me to be yours,
Then continued when you said I was the most beautiful girl in the world.

Darling, I don't just love you for the good times,
It's not been solely through bliss that you've become mine.
When everything seems to go to hell,
You hold my hand and make me well.

When I've hated you-
Threatened to slap the face I now caress,
I swear I still loved you nonetheless.

I know your scars are gone, but you can see them still. No matter what I do, I'm sure you always will. But I'll still hold your hand, and tell you I'm right here. I'll never leave, I won't desert you dear. If you hold me close, I won't ask for more. I'll stay by your side, for rich or for poor.

I promise I'll be here to tell you you're beautiful when you wanna see yourself bleed. Because I love you so much, you're all I'll ever need. I've always seen past the lies, I can see the sadness in your sweet grey eyes. And that face you make when you're in pain, as though to say "Its alright, I'm just not okay". Well I'm here now, so you can rest easy. I swear you'll never be caused any pain by me. You say the past is in the past but I can tell you still feel it deep down within. Well now I'm here to make sure it won't bother you again.

You asked why I think you're so great. Because you're sweet and you're funny and you make me feel like it'll be okay. You say that's nothing, and you only treat me the way I deserve. Well I just want you to know, I'm so happy to be yours.

It's too late now, the damage is done.
A deal has been won,
My heart for your soul.

I can't make you keep loving me.
I can't keep you from leaving.
I can't keep my heart from breaking,
Or convince you I'm worth keeping.

I'll probably always be this clingy.
I know you hate that I'm so needy.
But it doesn't matter anymore cuz you don't want me.

You can deny it if you wish.
But I knew something was amiss,
Since that first time you dodged my waiting lips.
I wish I could make it all better, that I wasn't like this.

Doesn't matter anymore.
I have no new places on my body for you to explore.
Take my heart with you as away you soar.
I'll be still here, always your girl.

You stand me up, you let me down.
So you and her, can **** around.
You know I love you but that's not what this is about.
I just want her out.

She's a *****, oh she's controlling.
And when she's around you are so rude to me.
Oh best friend, stop this nonsense please.
You are acting, like such a baby.

You think you two are meant to be,
Just cuz you were both cheated on-
Oh please!
Why don't you see?
She's no good for you,
Take it from me.
She will break your heart, when she leaves.
Your second-rate lover.
Oh silly boy, you couldn't love her.

She is stupid, and you're naive.
To think that girl could make you happy.
I know you,
You know me too.
You tell me you're fine but is that the truth?

I can't watch this,
I won't allow it.
You're being stupid.
Oh this is *******.

You and I,
We always fight,
But not like that-
It isn't right
How she hurts you.
She is so cruel.

She thinks I'm jealous,
When I see you two kiss.
When all I'm thinkin is "What a *****"
You don't deserve to be hurt like this.

You stay home so she can yell.
I'm at a party with our friends when she tells you 'go to hell'.
Oh well, well.
These are more than just lovers' quarrels,
What do you see in that girl?
I hate her.
I hate her.
Oh.

When this is over, I'll still be your friend.
I'll put you back together (again).

You count the days.
For pride, for shame.
Since you last ran that sharp edge across your skin,
In abandonment of everything.
Each time you stop you promise you'll never do it again.
Ten days, well that's something.

It's obviously eating you inside.
I want you to be able to say you stopped with pride.
Two weeks since the last time.
You're addicted to slicing yourself and that's the crime-
Hurting someone so lovely.
She doesn't deserve it, trust me.

One month since you last cut into yourself.
Tell me, does the counting help?

Fifty days since you dug into your skin.
Then you're back to zero once again.

What is this feeling? You came crashing in. Are you a blessing, or my ******? I wanna give you a lap dance, I wanna give you cute kisses. I wanna be your *****, I wanna be your misses. Won't you buy me flowers? I wanna hold your hand. I love being your girl, and you are my man. You are so gentle, and baby you're so sweet. I can't believe, you're so good to me. I love to nuzzle close, when you hold me tight. We lay under the stars, and we talk all night.

You say praying is useless, and we disagree on this. And you say there's no point in wishing, but I wished for you. You were so nervous, but my wish came true.

I had never thought, I had never dreamed, that there'd be someone so perfect, and all for me. I loved how you got when I called you ****. You are my love, I will hold you closely.

Today a friend asked how I was.
I said I don't know,
Because I don't.
When I can't take any more,
I shut it all down.
Emotions good or bad in me cannot be found.
When I can't take it anymore,
I don't.
So I don't know how I am.
I was probably bad if I chose to do this again.
Maybe things have been better recently,
I can't risk it though.

And all that I wish I could say,
I'll keep inside so you won't see.
Cuz when I'm hurt I tend to push others away.
I know that it's not healthy.
But I do it anyway.
Why'd you ever choose, to love me?

You need to get stronger on your own.*
How?
Even body builders need a spotter.
Someone to take the pressure off when the weight just gets to be too much and threatens to crush them.
Help me, please, I can't hold my own anymore and every second I'm doing all I can to keep from letting my strained fingers slip.
But I can't bear this much alone, and when I inevitably let it fall upon me don't ask why I was so weak.

So I jump on a plane! at seven o eight. And I try to make sense of actin insane. I don't know what you've done to me, but it just feels right. Baby I'll be yours, by the end of the night.  And I'm followin you! half across the world just to tell you I'll be your favorite girl! if you'll just take my hand. You could be my only man. Baby please take this chance- for me to follow you. To the ends of this earth! But please don't let me find you, staying with her.  Don't let it be true! What else can I do? So I'm comin to tell you, that Baby I Love You Too!

I sit here and remember the good times. All our laughs and smiles. Your sweet face, fills this place. And suddenly, I'm not so alone.

Forever and always, you stood there and you swore to me. It was not a lie, oh I believe you baby. What I've heard of you, well that just can't be true! God I'm done if that's your will. It would be just so crazy, to think you'd treat me that way. Or am I crazy for believing you still?

But I-I've been, fallin in love, while you were fallin for her. And I can feel you slipping, right through my fingers and into the arms of another girl.

So I'm on the plane tonight at eight. Trying to convince myself, everything's okay. And that you'll be waiting, waitin at the gate. Waitin alone. Just, to see my face! I want to be, your only girl! Baby come back with me, don't bother with her!

Few minutes too late! is the way it always goes. Baby, what are you doing? Thought I was the one you chose! First! So then why are you with her?!

So I'm on the plane at ten fifty-eight. Trying to convince myself, everything's okay. And I can't expect you to wait, wait faithfully for me. All I wanted was to be, your only girl! Baby come back to me, don't bother with her!

I know beggars can't be choosers and lovers can't be liars. I raced back to you, defying the miles. But I got a great surprise, to see the detachment in your eyes. I cannot bear to see her there, where I once stood. And I would take it all back, if only I could. I miss you more than you could ever know, and I think of you showing off to impress me whenever I see the snow. Cuz that when I started to know, where this thing could go. But now there's no hope. So I'm letting you go.

Show to me the man who has never been sad and I will pity him. For to never feel loss, you'll've never had anything great to lose. To've never cried is to've never loved. If you were never rejected, you never cared enough to reach, try, and fail.

My eyes have always been this dark but have they always been this dead?
Can't you see my demons are holding me hostage from their base inside my head?
You're killing me by doing what you think is best.
This may be an overreaction but you're the catalyst.

I act off-putting so no one will get close enough to hurt me.
Who have I become?
I think I was naturally sweet and cheery.

Sure I'm upset, I feel hated and used.
But don't be confused-
I don't wish to die.
What a waste of a wish, and on a wretch such as I.
If I had a wish I wouldn't use it for death.
If I had a wish it wouldn't be for this to be my last breath.
If I could wish and that wish could come true,
I think I'd wish everyone could be as good to me as you.

I sing myself ballads,
And cry o'er your letters.
You said this would be better,
Did you forget what we had?

Lovesick, delirious.
I'm thinking of us,
All of that love
That there once was.

Dear, you've forgotten me.
Stranger, you loved me.

Every word out my mouth is a cry for help.
"Oh someone please save me from this hell!"
Or at least bring me a ladder so I'll be able to break free of this mental cell.
When it's too late, I know what they'll say.
I know what they'll say because I hear the like every single day.
"Maybe she did cry out but I didn't hear her,"
You didn't see the words written on my mirror?
"I guess didn't see that the warning signs were all there."
Maybe that's because you didn't care.
No one hears over the façade my fake smile and mirthless laugh blare.
If you just bothered to look a little closer or pay attention you'd see.
You'd see that I'm dead inside and that's not even something I'm trying all that hard to hide.
Can you really not see I'm unhappy?
Did you believe I was joking when I said I wished to die?
Did I really do so well in covering up the million cuts on my thigh?
Every night did you not hear me cry?
I told you but you chose not to listen.
So don't act like you didn't know I was broken.

I didn't just want you for your perfect body. Your sweet light eyes are just as lovely. And your laugh is so adorable. And if you thought your looks were all I had loved- well that'd be horrible. I love the way you smell, I love the way you hold me when you know I'm not doing well. You don't ask questions, just tell me it will be okay. I hope you know that makes my day.

Getting all dolled up- for a night, of disappointments. Painting a smile on your lips, wearing your best dress- trying oh so hard so no one you're depressed. The girl with the pretty smile, and the bloodshot eyes- so red cuz she's been crying all night. But you'd never know it. Cuz she'd never show it.

She fixes her hair with the hand of an artist, she's the brushed-off girl, the boys have never kissed.

She's got scars on her wrist, can't see her own loveliness. Only sees it in others, she hopes she'll never become her mother. She's so kind but I swear she's half blind, with the way she sees herself. I see how broken she is and I try all I can to help. Cuz I know her hell. I've been there and it's a scary place. It leaves you with that awful taste.

Darling, I just wanted to tell you you're beautiful. Despite the funhouse mirrors and the hurtful people. You've got your battle scars and they look great on you. I know the feeling, I'm right there with you.

You know I don't even cry anymore. For I have no more tears to stain the floor. In this hell you call a home. It's too bad what you've become. Were you ever sane? No one will a soul could ever act this way. And it's not okay- the way you treat the helpless things you've made. If it was your goal to break me, well good job- I'm broken. I just pray you won't do the same to them. For they still have their spirits. So please don't destroy it. They can be your golden ones, and I'll be the scapegoat. Just swear they won't go through what I did. I can already see it begin. If you had a soul you'd let me go. If you have a heart, you would just skip this part. We should both know how this will end, you drive me more away with each hateful message you send.

I've been staring at you all day, my lonely little scar;
The first I ever made on myself,
And the deepest by far.
I made you two nights ago with tears running down my eyes.
I made you when I didn't care whether I was dead or alive.
Lonely awful cut on my thigh;
Now you've collected some friends and you add up to five.
You're my secret.
If anyone ever sees you I'll be on suicide watch, again.
I made you because I'm weak,
And I am too afraid of my own voice to even speak-
In my defense.
And I cannot alone bear all my inner demons.
I guess that's why I cut you out some friends.
See, my parents say I'm normal-
Like they don't know I'm crazy.
My old boyfriend said I'd be okay-
But he was one of the main ones to hurt me.
**** it all, I just want to be happy.
Momma says I'm lazy,
And daddy's not so worried about me,
Cuz they don't know the half of it.
I am ever just trying so hard to please them.
Why would I tell them they've got such a ****** up kid?
I watched my blood trickle down like rain,
And it took my mind off the pain.
I made my outsides match my insides.
Little slice in my skin, why do you think I made you somewhere I could hide?
Would it help anyone at all if I admit I'm not better?
Is it still a cry for help if it's just a whisper?
Or if I don't tell anyone?
They can't ever know what I've done.
So I'll write it in a poem,
So I'll never need to tell them.
And I promise it'll be one of the worst things I've ever written,
Cuz for once I don't feel this in words, just raw emotion.
Lonely little scar,
No one can know but I'm falling apart.

She ****** you up.
He did the same to me.
Just promise we won't do it to each other.

If I could write you better poetry,
You would hear the sweetest lyrics from me.
But my words never can compare to you,
They're a poor reflection of my sweet muse.

Dear child don't cry, don't waste your tears on me. It was enough to have your love, I can do without your sympathy. Just live on, and learn from my memory. I wanted better things for you- dreams you could go out and do. Just do this last thing for me, just promise you'll be happy.

They said I can't save the world but I don't need to, it would be enough just to protect you. I tried and I tried, but it was all in vain. I spared you some, but not all, of my pain.

Dear child don't cry, don't waste your tears on me. It was enough to have your love, I can go without your sympathy. Just live on, and learn from my misery. I had hoped for a better life for you- that maybe you could make it through, somehow. I fear it's getting too late now. No matter what, my angel, just make this promise unto me, that you will be happy. Don't go through it sad like I did, don't ever be afraid to be a kid. For it's a privilege- I never got. In spite of how you're raised, in spite of all the pain. Remember, no matter what, I love you, my sweet child.

Even though I chose to leave you all alone, know I will find solace in a new home. And that I'm so sorry- for ever leaving. I was only doing what was best for me, but I won't forget you, no matter where I am I could never stop missing my precious baby. If there were an easy way to see you I'd do it, if I could hold you in my arms we'd get through this. But I don't think that's possible anymore. In your sweet heart all my love will pour. Depression hurts but this hurts more.

They said I couldn't save the world but I didn't need to, it would've been enough just to save you. I wish I could have. I beg you not to resent me, I'll have my thoughts for all eternity-to make me feel bad, to keep me company. I wish I couldn't given you a better goodbye, I know it's not very nice but I guess when you hear this it will just have to suffice. Someday, maybe many years from today, we may get to be together again and I will say:

I couldn't save the world, and I left unable to save you. I regret any times you missed me, I hope I never lost your love or needed too much sympathy. I'm so very sorry- for ever leaving. I did what was best for me; I wasn't being selfish, I was just surviving. It was something I felt I had to do. Know I missed you every moment of every day. Now I hope you'll let me hold you once again, come what may. And I hope you never forgot too, that I'll always love you.

Would you still love me if I were illiterate?
Would you still love me if I were a *****?
Would you still love me if I were much different?
Do you still love me anymore?

Yeah would you still love me if I went insane?
Would you love better me if I weren't such a pain?
Would you still love me if I got fat as a hippo?
Would you still kiss me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes?

Would you still love me if I went off my meds?
Would you try to help me on the days I can't get out of bed?
When my heart feels to heavy to let my lungs breathe,
Would you still tell me that you love me?

You'd only miss me because it's what you're supposed to do.
You'd miss me because you wouldn't remember that all I can do is **** up and hurt you.
All the times I've made you cry, how could you forget?
You'd just remember the good, to you that would be it.
I can only hurt you when I'm here because I'm a terrible person.
And I'd hurt you if I leave because you'd just remember the good parts- against all rightful reason.
I'm flawed and selfish and evil and that's not okay.
But if I left so I could spare you you wouldn't remember it that way.
Either way I'll hurt you and that's not fair.
It's a lose-lose situation and all I can see is that I leave only tears and ruins everywhere.
Would it help or hurt if I left a note?
Would it be something to comfort you or a reminder I felt this way long enough to sit down calmly and think about what I wrote?
I see no solution,
Like division by zero.
I'll only be speeding up the process of losing and ruining you if I do choose to go.
It's not your fault it's mine.
I know that now and that's why I'll be leaving you behind.

You're my source of love, my only source of light.
But I know one day you'll **** me and you know that's not right.
Too hot to the touch,
Too distant to feel your love.

There's a faint heat bearing down on my heart,
And I know as I get closer you wait to tear my world apart.
You give life just as easily as pain.
Your core contradictions, are driving me insane.

The greater you are, the more dangerous you'll be.
The more likely to consume a soul like me.

It may seem odd but the darkness makes me smile, and when one day it consumes me- maybe I'll be happy awhile. If the pain would stop I could stop shuffling along- miserably. Waiting for my past to come and take me. The future is even more dreary. Just thinking of going on makes me much too weary.

I am numb. I heard what she said but my mind went dumb. Was I shocked my worst fears had come true? Shouldn't I have been sad my life was in pieces and there was nothing I could do? Everything I'd worked for, everything I'd loved- this was my only constant and now it's all torn up.

I've been told we're never given more we can handle but this is too much for me. I can't even show emotion when my heart is breaking. I've never had it easy, and I've never been happy. I guess I just don't expect those things. But I had ONE thing, just one. That was kept sacred, one single source of love. Now that's gone too and I'm too ****** up- to react. It seems every time I try to get up life knocks me onto my back.

I can feel the ground collapsing beneath my feet. But I'll stay perfectly still, don't move, don't scream. Just stand there and try to breathe.

And ****, I can feel my brain as it's breaking. And it's a march through hell- every single moment I spend waking. Don't look to some suspicious cause for what's killed me- for we all know by now that it's my stupid life that ails me. I'm on the brink of giving up, what's a life without love? Condescend to the rest of us- and share your secret of what's enough.

What if everything about my life is a waste of time? Why try to thrive if I won't survive? If you want to try and save me just bear with me as I scream. Broken sobs to match broken dreams, I can feel myself lose my grip on everything. My body's just slowly collapsing. I only sleep so much because the only place I find peace is in my dreams. If it's all a waste of time, why suffer through a life, that can't bring me happiness? I'm getting so **** tired of this.

I do not fear death, only the uncertainty of what the end brings.
I do not fear pain, I've become nearly accustomed to anything.
I only fear life, having to keep going on this way.
I fear continuing-
for what I'm doing can't be living anyway.
I believe there's a heaven, I believe there's a hell.
I'm not sure if what the end brings for me will be of any help.
Maybe it is just an end.
No more pain, no more joy,
no more enemies, and no more friends.
A nothingness.
An emptiness.
Sounds peaceful, if only shy of bliss.