i’m beginning to realize
that i go into a situation
thinking things
are going to go
a certain way,
and i get my hopes up
and i pray that everything
will go according to plan,
but then later on
it’s brought to my attention
that God didn’t put me
in that place
to be blessed,
but to bless
someone else

and i guess it can get
a little disappointing,
because i start to feel
a little empty-handed,
but it’s also comforting
knowing that God is using me
because He knows
i’m strong enough
to do His work

here i am
sitting at my typewriter
as tears trickle down my cheeks
and i can hardly breathe
because i know it’s over
and that this isn’t just another
false ending
it’s really, truly over
and i hate that you had to hear my voice quiver
i just pray you’ll be happy
and that everything will work out for you
in the end
you are so special
you are so special
you are so special
i will miss you forever
but i don’t doubt that i’ll see you again
in that distant place
i know that all will be well
and we won’t think of the pain
or the hurt
or the fights
or the tears
we’ll just be thankful for all the goodness
that came from two hearts
being so vulnerable with each other
everything will be okay
i’ll be okay
please do not worry
you are good
i don’t blame you
i know i’ll be okay
i just wish i could’ve been okay
with you
this hurts so much
but it won’t hurt forever

goodbye

p.s. i forgive you

often, i picture us
holding hands and watching movies
sitting on benches beneath old oak trees
hearing your laugh throughout the day
and catching you smile
when you think i don't see

and all i can do is hope
that when you close your eyes
your mind is filled
with thoughts of me

you hurt me
you are the moon that controls
the tides of my eyes

you are a dark moon
with thousands of craters,
thousands of imperfections

i have imperfections too,
but the difference is:
i think you hate me while
i love you

i know i am young,
i know i am only seventeen,
but when i think of him
and his incandescent smile,
my heart swells and beats in time
with the cadence of his alluring words

his mind is like no other,
filled with such deep
and captivating thoughts
that flutter from place to place
like a moth, and like a moth
i am drawn to his brilliance

i long to hold his face in my hands
and trace his lips with my fingertips
and when i close my eyes
all i see is the way he looks at me,
as if i’m the one who paints
the summer evening sky

i know i am young,
i know i am only seventeen,
but i think i could spend
the rest of my life searching
and never find anything
nearly as beautiful as
the way he loves me

i wasn’t feeling okay

so i put on my overalls and went
outside 

to wander around my backyard,

trekking around in clunky rain boots

as i hummed and tried not to think
i like to write
 little notes

on the leaves that are now 

changing colors
and when i’m done

i let them
fall

so i can flatten them

beneath my heel

till the small words

are crinkled and no longer legible
amongst the dirt and grass
and so desperately,
i wish i could

let the thoughts in my head

fall
to the ground

so i could flatten
these
 pitiful feelings

beneath my heel

until they were no longer legible

amongst the hurt and hopefulness 

in my heart

there are
so many meadows
i have not
so many roads
i have not
so many mountains
i have not
so many songs
i have not
so many books
i have not
so many hearts
i have not

so many
i have not

so many
i have

so many
i forget
so many
i do not see

it's not about
ninety-nine cent cards
from the dollar store,
or milk chocolate
in the shape of a heart

it's not about
feeling bad for yourself
because you're single
or going out
to an expensive dinner

it's not about
how many bouquets
or "happy valentine's day"
text messages you receive

love is beautiful,
it is forbearing and selfless,
it is not bitter or rude,
it is modest and humble


so even if you think today
was created by hallmark
to sell more cards

why not show love
to someone
you care about?
or even to
a complete stranger

you don't have to have
a boyfriend or girlfriend
or husband or wife
or "significant other"
to celebrate today

because everyday
is a wonderful day
to love someone

your name is always
on the tip of my tongue
and if you
wrap me in a blanket
and place me by the fire,
in the flames
i'll see your smile,
but if i blink
it'll disappear
because our time
while full, was fleeting
and now you are just
dandelion seeds
in the summer breeze
that will land
in another yard
to make someone else's
wishes come true

no word is strong
yet gentle enough
to convey what i feel
for you

you hold so much back
while i pour out my heart

i want to go back
and live in the moments
when you looked at me
with loving eyes

now all i see
is pain radiating
from your careful soul

all i’ve done
is stolen a couple beats from your heart
and left you in an ocean of guilt
for breaking mine

tighten your tanned arm around my waist
put your thumb inside my bottom lip
tell me how pretty i look in a dress
even more with it on the floor
and with a sun-dripping smile
i will bloom beneath the ripened lust
that seeps from your secret gaze
like a blazing hillside of orange poppies
shifting towards you in the soft wind
waiting to be crushed

my heart doesn’t feel things the same way it used to. i feel so… that feeling you get when you take a photo with someone you don’t know very well and you’re unsure if you should put an arm around them or not. i used to FEEL EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE, now i just feel… stagnant. no tragedy, no infatuation, i’m over you, i’m moving on, i’m not drowning in any sea of emotion. i’m stranded in an apathetic desert. i need SOMETHING. ANYTHING. captivate me, break my heart, i don’t like this silence

give me something to write about.

i’ve never known
something so fragile

i hold whatever this is
(you and i)
carefully,
with both hands

like glass,
it could shatter

the pieces
scattered

while i tiptoe
around the sharp fragments

trying to not let them
hurt me

like snow,
it melts

when the sun
comes up

to heat
the ground

and every time
i wish it’d stay

i hope my heart
will not become
like broken glass

i hope,
unlike snow
on a warm winter day,
you will decide
to never leave me

i cry to feel emotion

to sympathize
to confirm my mortality
to express joy
to release bottled up
     hate, sadness, guilt

but the worst is when i cannot cry
i beg the tears to trickle down my face,
only for me to wipe them away

the absence of them
makes me feel like
my sentiments aren’t true
     they’re fraud, phony, insincere

if i can’t control or understand my own tears
why should i expect someone
to dry them for me?

because i can’t explain
why they’re present in one instance
and absent in the next

i want to be
where you are

in your city
with the lights blurring past
as we ride in the car
going somewhere, anywhere
to your favorite restaurants
or to a concert of a band we both love
it really doesn't matter
as long as i'm with you

i want to hold your hand
and smell the scent
of your cologne
to se you smile back at me
to hear your laugh
to hear our laughs combine
and create a song
all of its own

i want to be
where my heart is:
with you.

sometimes i think about
how you woke up this morning
and brushed your teeth

i wonder how you like your coffee,
and if you read the newspaper

why am i wasting my time
letting all these people
that don't really matter
break my heart

when you're out there somewhere,
living your life
and wondering where i am

i know you're out there
and you're waiting for me too

i wish i could peel up the floorboards
and lie beneath them
there i could hide in still silence,
but it still wouldn’t be completely
silent because i cannot leave my
mind behind

i couldn’t tell you what i’m thinking'
even if i wanted to
i thought that i had words for
everything, that i could always find
refuge in my ability to arrange
letters into feeling

i can’t

this emotion is a lightning bolt
and i am a bare tree alone
in a barren field

'what’s the difference between
thinking and feeling? how do you
know if it’s coming from the
head or the heart?

i love good cries,
loud sobs that soak your pillow
the kinds that come at the end
of a perfect book

you’re gasping for air
as droplets of salt water
trickle down your cheeks
into the corners of your mouth
as your chest raises and falls
and your vision is blurred
by the tears

but your mind is so clear
and your every thought
in that moment
feels so meaningful
and important and right

it feels okay to just
let it all out
it makes you feel like
you are free

you're asleep and i'm sad
wanted to stay up all night
and talk with you
about your day
and why the sky is blue

everything is so easy with us
our words flow back and forth steadily
like the gliding of a ship
atop a calm sea

when i feel broken
you mend me with your words
when i have nothing to say
you effortlessly occupy the silence

you fill this gap inside me
in a way that makes me forget
i was ever incomplete

i'd tell you all of this,
but you're asleep

i can’t describe the feelings i get
the day after a rainstorm
or when the sun sets early
in the winter

happiness and sadness
are easy to recognize,
but sometimes i have emotions
that i cannot identify

like how i feel
about you

i want to know you at 3am
or on a wednesday afternoon

to know your dreams,
to be your thoughts
and explore the other side
of your crescent moon

maybe i just like
the mystery of you,
but i'm hoping you like
the mystery of me, too

there are good types
of feeling small

like when you're in a big city
with tall buildings
and throngs of strangers
surrounding you,
painted with possibility

or when you're wrapped up
in someone's arms
and that person
feels so massive
and you feel so little
and protected
and safe

but this sensation
of small,
this feeling of
insignificance,
like an ant
that could be squished
and no one would care

is not
a good feeling

(as) i’ve begun to learn
who you are, and how (deep)
your soul is,
(as) i’ve begun to notice
how perfect you are for me,
each hour i long for (the) moment
where i may finally be by your side

like the blueness of the (ocean is) constant,
so are the thoughts (between) each second
that possess your name

i cannot think of a world
where an (us) does not exist
because i’ve become (so) attached
to the idea of always being yours

(is) it bad? is it good?
that (my) heart is forever set on you?
sometimes it’s difficult to tell

i (love) days like today
when the sun is out
and my mind is clear like the sky,
i just wish you were here
to enjoy it

i will wait however long it takes
(for) that day to come
because i’ve never known anyone
as breathtaking as (you)

you fell in love with
late nights and soft kisses,
holding hands,
phone calls ending in
“i love you more.”

you fell in love with
someone knowing you
as well as you know yourself,
being seen when you
thought you were invisible,
comfortableness

you fell in love with
sparking short fights and
make up “i love you”s,
silent car rides and
quiet understandings

but you did not
fall in love
with me

one day
it will be easy to breathe
my lungs will inhale flowers
and honey
it will be second nature
like riding a bicycle
like tying a shoe
like swallowing a pill
and i will hold on
tightly and
with shaking hands
until then

when i'm sitting alone at night
     in the quietness of my large and aging house
i hear so many noises i'm oblivious to
     during the daylight

the clicks of the air conditioning
     switching on and off,
the creaking of the floors and walls,
     the subtle squeaking the fan makes
in the living room

it's as if my house is sighing
     it's sighing at me
disappointed in me
     he asks why i don't notice him
during the day
     why i only notice him late at night
when i'm lonely
     and there are no other noises
to entertain my ears

i tell him that i'll try to listen more closely
     in the morning, but then i fall asleep
and i wake up and i do not remember
     what i promised my sweet house
so he continues to sigh all day long
     hoping that at some point
even if it's late at night when i'm lonely
     and there is no other noises
to entertain my ears
     i will notice him again

if only for a little while

ask me who my favorite artists are
ask me what my favorite season is
as me were my favorite memories lie

ask me where i’d love to go,
what i’d love to see,
why i cut my hair the way i do,
who i desire to be

i want you
to ask me these things
because perhaps
my answers will make you
fall in love with me

i surely fell in love with you
whilst you were listing off
your favorites

if you look up, you will see
the bright-eyed and
the wide-mouthed—
the interesting, the casual, the adored
glistening in the warm night
peered at through microscopes and
telescopes and stethoscopes
far and far away

we are so desperate to be close
close and close and
close enough to see the blemishes
the scarring and the peeling
effaced by obvious and biased inner-commentary
they’re just not as red or sore as mine
perhaps they were formed under
a different kind of sun

what does the unfamiliar heart say?
does it sound at all like mine?
will i ever escape the sloppy grasp of dullness?
will the world swallow me whole?
if i count the days on both hands
on toes, on eyelashes—
if i only eat green things and
read tattered books and
pretend that i don’t mind—will i ever
break the mirror?
will i find seven years of good luck
between the jagged edges?

to exist as a reflection
is to not exist at all
there are lonely, dark purple heavens
waiting for you to sever your longing gaze
to stop lying to yourself
to hop onto the back of the cow
and begin living somewhere beyond the moon—
to realize, with closed eyes
you belong to the sky

sitting across from you
at the white kitchen table
or cross-legged on my side of the bed
is someone hollow.
not as sweet as a fig. not as dead
as the inside of a black rotting trunk
but close. i do not hold beautiful things
like a terracotta vase. inside my head
is a seam ripper that splits everything
down the middle. sometimes
you are standing in front of the bright window,
glowing like a saint. sometimes
i let you fall into an algae-lined pool
that i will not pay to have cleaned.
everything is floating within me.
i haven’t figured out
how to anchor this stuff down.

no one ever taught me how

you only tell me
how you feel
late at night
when you’re in bed
and your eyes
are blurred with sleep

i think it’s because
you feel more
hidden at night,
you wrap the darkness
around you like a blanket,
you find comfort
in the stars
and the quiet opacity

just be sure to love me
in the morning

i don't want a rarity
a full moon that only floats
in your midnight sky
once a month

nighttime feels so open,
you shout things
you'd never whisper
in the daylight
and let go of the fear
that surfaces with the sun

i think i'll break all your clocks
at twelve in the morning
to immortalize
our candid midnights,
so that your worries
will never rise

it will tear away
your skin
     gnaw on
your bones
     and set your
soul aflame

this hatred
     inside of you
will spread
     until you are
consumed
     in a fiery rage
that should've been
     extinguished
at its first spark

     who will
come along
     and save you?

who will
     smother
          your soul?

i love you
i love you
i love you
and i’ll never stop loving you,
i couldn’t even if i tried

you’ve taken all of me,
scrubbed the dirt from my flesh
and replaced it with rose petals
and i love you, i love you, i love you

thank you for making me feel beautiful
for the first time in a long time

i should be glad
that you've moved on

that someone has filled
the spaces inside of you
i left vacant

that someone
will make you happy
in ways that i couldn't

that you're no longer
tormented by the aching
that i will never be yours

but i'm not
because i had a box
beneath my bed
in the shape of a heart
where yours was stored

i checked it today
and all that was left
was a note that read
"i now belong to someone else."

i never have to trim my nails
because of the anxiety that
has made itself at home
in the pit of my stomach

while tapping my feet,
i watch the clock slowly tick
and the breath in my lungs feels
thick and coated with doubt

but soon,
my time will come
and my eager feet
will carry me to a place where
hope fills my lungs and
i'll breathe with ease

because eventually,
everything is going
to work itself out

everything
will always be okay in the end
if you allow it to be

this feeling of ecstasy,
it blooms inside of me

sparks like fireworks
spread throughout my limbs
my hands quiver
and my heart quickens

i want to run
through endless fields
and shout into the emptiness

because all of the sudden,
i am not invisible

maybe i don't eat
because i want my skin
to be transparent
i want people to see me
for who i truly am
i hope to one day
wither away
until i am nothing,
until i am just a pile of bones


                                                                ­                        maybe then
                                                            ­                            you'll notice me

you are bright eyes
masking gray storm clouds
in your mind
and a heart too big
for the cavity of sadness
that confines it

and you are a bird
trying so desperately
to keep flying
in the pouring rain

♦ ♦

i am the hands
that long to caress your gentle face
and an autumn breeze
seeking to whisk away
your worries

and i am just a girl
praying for a thunderstorm
so that you may have
endless clear skies

i do not speak your name
i cannot even whisper it
instead, i hide it in my dreams
under my sheets
beneath a sky that sees all
but does not burn my skin
do you ever wonder
what the moon is thinking?
does she gaze down solemnly and see
a fading opus
or a symphony simply tightening its strings
for the final act?
do you think it makes her sad
to see the greens replaced
with soot and plaster
the seas rising to meet her
with an apocalyptic kiss?
the falling tide
the slow recession
reminds me that
she keeps our secrets
but i think it breaks her heart