i cry to feel emotion

to sympathize
to confirm my mortality
to express joy
to release bottled up
     hate, sadness, guilt

but the worst is when i cannot cry
i beg the tears to trickle down my face,
only for me to wipe them away

the absence of them
makes me feel like
my sentiments aren’t true
     they’re fraud, phony, insincere

if i can’t control or understand my own tears
why should i expect someone
to dry them for me?

because i can’t explain
why they’re present in one instance
and absent in the next