you made me a cake from a box  
added the ingredients and mixed it all up
set the timer and watched to make sure it didn’t burn
took it out and let it cool
then covered it with bright pink icing
then scattered sprinkles on top
you made me something sweet
because you’re not

the vibrations in the room so heavy you can feel it in your pulse
sending vibes back and forth
when you’re sad I can feel it
when you want me I can sense it
when you’re angry I can breathe it
I could choke on the tension
suffocation taking my breath away

the front you put up can’t keep out the words you don’t wanna say
tell me you’re fine
I know you’re losing
tell me it’s easy I know it’s harder
you can swallow me whole with your energy
I’ve always swam in my feelings

I don’t want to get up anymore
I don’t want to leave my bed
Or my house
Or go to work
Or have to fake it
I’m so tired
I’m
So ******* tired all the time
It’s hard even being awake
I feel bad
I don’t see why mental health isn’t treated like any other type of illness

I wanna look exactly how I feel
expression in its truest form
I relate colors to my mood
I’m like an abstract painting with no caption underneath
I want to be so true to my feelings that when I’m feeling down
I turn the color blue

Can I tell you a secret?
About when I’m manic
I’m actually a very happy person
Sometimes
When I’m up
I am high
I will make you love me
Love me like you would die without me
I’ll make you laugh until your abdomen hurts
I’ll sing as loud as I can
and dance around you in bliss
You’ll be left wondering how
“I’m unlike anyone else you’ve ever met”
I’ve heard this so many times
each time it makes me sick
because you love a phony
and I’m the one getting played

what do you want from me?
I don’t even know where to begin
I don’t know which direction I’m in
It’s too messy in my head,
unlike my room
they always want and I have nothing to give
can’t you see I’m searching for a reason to live?
I’m still looking in the mirror to see where I’m at
It’s harder to see when it’s dark
But there’s beauty in the pain, like a masterpiece of art
I told you I’m a nightmare and you’re living in a dream

Sometimes I think I’ve got a grip
a handle on my feelings and this life
turns out I’m wrong and I don’t have a clue
I know it’s just going to be like this
so I’m trying to grow with my sadness
be friends and treat it as I would like someone else to treat me
aging is just watching the days go by and wondering where they went
just as fleeting as happiness
my habits help and hurt me
smoking too many cigarettes and getting higher than the clouds
just to float away like smoke stealing my breath
Life can be so good I want to hold on to it and scream at the top of my lungs how great it really is
but it all gets heavy and I drown in the burden of being a person in the universe
Giving my sadness a name and growing through it and with it
all the meds and deep breathing, the struggles I’ve been through
turn me into who I am going to be tomorrow