I was always afraid of leaving
thinking that I would lose the parts of me willing to love again,

as if I had forgotten my heart was mine, still beating in my chest

to afraid of what I would become if I was alone or without you

like I thought that my brilliance was only because of you or something
and that it wasn't actually more of a reflection of myself back to me

I had forgotten I am my own
I am enough

to love again is inevitable
because I myself, am irrevocably going to be loved

you
make me want to say things
I swore I'd never tell again

how is it possible to be a person on the days that leave you feeling empty?

why doesn't that count as a good reason for a sick day at work
or a reason to take a break from life
responsibilities
until your soul feels better
or at least a little normal again

how can I be expected to be a mother, a friend, a coworker, anything
when my insides are bending and breaking and my brain is unable to connect the dots

when my hands won't work
and my legs don't feel strong enough to hold my weight
and my mouth forgot how to speak

how can I be a person
when I've forgotten that I'm even alive?

I am physically ill from the abuse that my heart has taken from breaking

my muscles ache from shaking
due to the constant chill of being hollow

fuzzy thoughts like nothingness run through my head

an eternal longing for this something
something
I don't even know what

this poem, these words, these thoughts are all nothing

just black text on a web page

maybe they are my need to be heard
my need to be loved
at the same time this ache to be hated

the same way I hate myself

I have decided that forever is going to feel like this

just me, walking around day to day
on the outside looking okay
but secretly dealing with this constant twist in my guts and a gaping hole in my heart

maybe it's my soul digging it's way out of my shell

desperately trying to get out to find another body to dive into

one much more deserving than myself
who can love this girl who everyone finds beautiful
except she doesn't even see that

some days it's easy to feel good
like I'm starting fresh, starting over, starting a new
the feeling of freedom washes over me and I am born all over again
but just as quickly as those electric feelings start,
they end
and I am left with an emptiness in my stomach
an irreplaceable longing for love

when I start to think how I'm back to nothing
I swell up with panic and excitement all at once
like a whirlwind of emotion
wrecklessly tossed into one tiny person

I want to love myself more than anyone else
I give my all to others and never to me who deserves that kind of compassion also
so much so that I don't feel complete without belonging to someone

I forget that I wasn't always two people
I used to just be me
navigating my life on my own time
with no regard for anyone but myself
and I remember feeling so happy about that then
that I don't understand why I can't find that happiness in my solitude now

inside of me I have always carried all I ever needed
I have just forgotten how to pull out those pieces to put my heart back in place
.

the microwave dings and my dinner is done
I pull out a plastic bowl filled with what once was
frozen spaghetti
for one
I remember thinking before
anyone who resulted to eating frozen dinners was sad
settling
hoping for something better

these days all I see
is freedom to do what I please
and happiness in being alone